82 reasons...

12:01 on a monday morning in october. 

i am awake in my bed, impatiently awaiting sleep.  i have been lying here in the dark for the past couple of hours hoping that the dream fairy will come by, but she hasn't.  i can't place my finger on the reason for my sleeplessness.  i have a sneaky suspicion that it might be a compilation of several culprits. 

one of those being that i am in that time of the year when my life turned around.  if you read page one and page two, previous posts, you will know what i am referring to.  maybe, just maybe my over active brain is refusing sleep because it is reliving those two days.  it is difficult to look back on.  i still find it strange that i, heather marie, lived that.  i suppose instead of reliving it i should be focusing on how far i've come and grown, but as i am typing these words i am focusing on the events that occurred.  are you thinking emotional cutter?  you might be right this time.  maybe to continue my growth i need to go further into day two...play out the rest of this day, three years ago? 

i have typically liked this time of year.  the colors, the smells, the corn mazes and pumpkins.  i've never liked the actual dressing up in costume part, but the rest of october celebrations i have liked.  since 2008 i seem to have subconsciously shied away, pulled back, and be reserved about the festivities that surround october.  i pulled out our decorations, yes i am huge decorator of expertly executed paper crafts made by my children, and noticed that the dates on the back of the creations all said 2008.  was that really the last time that we made crafts?  did i invest the time in 2008 to distract my kids that their dad wasn't at home, the first time he physically wasn't home every day?  we did make new crafts this year and i proudly displayed them.  could this be a sign that i am truly finding peace?  can i really place that much weight on a craft?

this day in 2008, was the longest day i have ever known or lived.  long in the sense that i was awake for many hours.  that my emotions were all over the map; fear, anxiety, disappointment, shame, love, gratitude...i am sure the list could continue, but i think you get the point.  that i was the recipient of the greatest love and support i have ever known.  that as one relationship was unraveling at lightening speed  several were solidifying to concrete, secure and life long.  the level of exhaustion that i endured that day was and still is mind blowing to me. 

yes, i think this is one of the culprits that has robbed me of a sound nights sleep. 

another being that it has been three years and i am alone in my bed.  new bed i will have you, but nonetheless alone.  there is no warm body next to me just a stack of books, a couple of notepads of varying sizes, two kinds of pens and my laptop.  i have yet, this is not for a lack of trying, found another to fill the space next to me.  there is a part of this revelation that terrifies me, will my bed always be empty?   i don't want to settle, but am i being too picky?  am i purposely choosing to invest time in fellas that will ultimately go nowhere because i am afraid of committing myself to someone else again?  are you still thinking emotional cutter?  well again, you might be right, this time.

in previous posts i have shared my dabbling in dating.  although i can find humor in the process and hopefully relate it in an entertaining fashion, i wonder if i am being too picky?  if i look back on things my disqualifiers seem to be superficial; too short, he wore a pink shirt with buttons, came on too strong, didn't like his voice, horrible teeth, ugly hair, seemed to care too much about possessions, weird outfit (dress shoes, jeans, short sleeve underarmour shirt...huh? why?), lives too far away, too put together, stuttered, too hairy, too many kids (if we got together i would be overwhelmed), too old.  so these aren't from the same person, but really heather?  i believe there was a friends episode and i want to say it was chandler who was dating and he had 82 reasons why the gal just wasn't the right gal.  anyone see that?  my sis or duedue would know exactly what i am referring to and who the actual character was, me not so much. 

am i afraid because i thought i had it all figured out the first time around and it all fell apart?  how is it that i could have spent all that time with an individual and been so wrong?  is it possible to actually trust my instincts and my gut and be successful?  i have bounced this idea off of my "morality barometer" (she knows who she is) and she has a very different take on my negative outlook.  i wonder how she knows that?  do i really view myself so differently from the people who know the true me? 

yes, this is another culprit that is making my head spin and depriving me of sleep.

i feel fragile tonight.  maybe you call it morning.  whatever it is night...morning... the feeling is still the same; fragile, small, insignificant.  there is a fair amount of fear and uncertainty surrounding me.  it is unsettling.  i don't like feeling this way, but i suppose we all have down days.  hopefully i will wake refreshed even with fewer hours of rest. 

good night.