flick...or tie them up...

do you discipline because you don't like your child's actions?

or

do you discipline because your child's action is wrong?

this was an interesting series of questions brought up by the pastor during my parenting class the other night.  i have sat on this for a couple of days.  reviewed my notes that i took during class.  my notes after these two questions says there is a distinct difference.  figure it out! on my paper it is underlined twice.  since the questions haven't left my brain they must've made an impression.

like i said i think these are interesting questions.  i think for myself i do both.  i know there are times, sometimes more often than not, when i want the action to stop because i am flat out annoyed.  when in reality my kids aren't doing anything dangerous or naughty i am just at the end of my rope for the day.  maybe i am having my womanly cycle (ladies i know we don't like this thrown in our faces, but listen i am definitely affected by it and my patience, tolerance, what-have-you is less for that week.), maybe i didn't sleep well the night before, maybe i just have a lot of adult issues swirling in my head that are taxing me.  who knows what the reason might be, but i know that my patience level isn't always stellar.

when my kids are being disrespectful, purposefully naughty or partaking in a dangerous activity then their behavior warrants discipline.  the question that keeps getting brought up during class is when will we learn about acceptable Christian forms of discipline?  i haven't read that far into the book yet, but i might have some issues with what is said.  i am only speculating but there are many forms of discipline that i just don't agree with and have never used.  i will give you some background about why...

i have shared some of this before and many of you already know this.  my son has a disorder.  upon discovery i jumped in with two feet and got him all the help that was available.  i also read everything that was available to me.  i am forever indebted to the professionals who spent countless hours working with him and giving me tools and knowledge to help him.  one of these professionals came to our house to do some specialized work with our family to teach us how to help him in his own environment.  she made one of the most impactful statements regarding children that i have never forgotten and it is always in the forefront of my brain.

it had to do with behavior.  not specific to the type of disorder my son has, but behavior of all children.  spefically in regards to impulse versus logic.  basically she said that children are impulsive.  they live on a sliding scale with impulsivity at one end and logic at the other.  as they age and mature they slide farther away from impulsive moving towards logic.  so while they are toddlers they are almost all impulse.  although you may have told them the expectation and the rule a thousand times, they lack the maturity to logically navigate their world.  now fast forward to teen years and our children have slid past the half way mark on their way towards logic first then impulse.  i don't have teens yet, but i am getting closer and i think it will be hard to remember that their brains are still developing, and although they will have much more logical sense than they did as toddlers there is still a strong impulsivity to their decision making. 

we have to keep in mind that there are plenty of adults that react to their world very impulsively, they do however have the maturity to logically process their world, they are just idiots.  no i'm kidding. no i'm not.  yes i am.  i guess what i am getting at is that we, as parents, have high expectations that our young children should have the brain maturity to logically make good choices, because we have told them a thousand times and they should just know by now.  i think either we forget or we just didn't realize that our expectation is beyond age appropriate decision making.  however, with all that knowledge i know this, kids aren't stupid.  they do what works.  so finding that fine line can be challenging for parents.

ok i want to end this with a funny from class.  before class started we, i will keep the ladies identity private but you should know there were three of us, were talking about a dinner incident:

child is drinking from their milk cup like a dog and licking the milk.  here is the transaction between the mother and child.

mom 1: stop that!
child: still lapping milk
mom 1: stop that! followed by a flick to the head
child: still lapping milk
mom 1: stop it!  followed by more flicking
child: still lapping milk
mom 1: then you don't get a drink, removes drink.

by now myself and mom 2 are laughing at the dinner fiasco.  mom 2 says to mom 1, "i don't think that is how you dazzle your child through the love of Jesus."  now all three of us are laughing like hyenas.  mom 1 says, "this always happens.  he is wiggly and disruptive and dinner is always a nightmare."  i suggested that maybe the flicking isn't working and she should try tying him to his chair. again we are laughing like hyenas.  the three of us decided that flicking is not dazzling, but tying them up is.  as we were vocalizing our decision a parenting team came in.  they both said, "we are flickers."  this made us laugh hysterically.  in all seriousness neither way is dazzling.

so i think recognizing that there is definitely a distinction between disciplining because we don't like it or because they are truly being naughty, will help me take a moment before blurting corrections.  again i am just speculating, but maybe.