transparent.....

when i am going through a trial, not a court trial, but a trial in life, i often find it hard to be around people.  i feel like my peers expect me to be a certain way.  a smile on my face (you know that over the gum forced looks like it hurts smile), a boisterous laugh that starts in my gut and escapes my mouth and a somewhat skewed sense of humor.  when i am not feeling joyous and happy and attempt to fake those emotions well i just come across as transparent. 

i was recently reminded of this transparency.  i was at a big birthday bash and a friend of mine, who is going through a trial of her own, was attempting to put on this front, she was speaking matter of factly and emotionless.  she was doing a fine job of it, but for those who have gone through what she is going through it was easy to tell that it wasn't how she was really feeling.  please understand, that i am not faulting, bashing or criticizing her in any way, i just understand where she is at.  throughout the evening, she disappeared, come to find out she left stating i didn't realize how hard it was going to be to be around people.

i had this same experience a year ago on the 4th of July.  my dad had invited me to go to a party with him.  so here is a little history, my dad has had virtually the same group of friends my whole life, they have watched me grow up, but i rarely get the opportunity to visit with them as an adult.  at the time, my divorce was officially final, i had officially moved out of mom's into my own place, and was truly starting over.  so back to the invite, i declined.  i didn't want to have to answer, "so heather, what's new in your life?"  there isn't a truthful abbreviated answer.  this answer required at least 15 solid minutes of explaining...
i am officially divorced, i live in a shit hole but it is cheap and i can afford it, blah, blah, blah. 
it would have been easier to write up my latest bio, print it off and hand it out like a bulletin, titled The Latest and Greatest.
the problem with having to answer that question truthfully is that after i am done, i get a look.  that look of i'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this.  it is full of sadness and often times understanding because too many people go through this.  here is the deal, i chose to be in the situation and then i chose to leave.  so maybe the look could be good for you.

i am guilty of this look.  i don't want to see people i know have to go through trials.  i try to catch myself but i am not successful very often.  i'm not sure why i don't like getting that look when i do it myself, but i do.  i wonder if it is possible to feel empathic towards someone's situation and not give the look?  hmmm...