throughout my life i have watched families jump tremendous hurdles brought on by death, divorce, health issues, financial ruin and a whole host of other issues. as an adult i am able to better understand logically why these things happen, but my heart still does not understand. i do believe in God. i think that He gives us what we can handle, and that things happen for a reason, but sometimes i wonder if this was really in the master plan? recently, we had a client whose husband died, but several months earlier her daughter was murdered. i wonder was she really meant to have so much grief? what is she supposed to be learning from these horrors?
as a child i was not able to fully comprehend illness, death, divorce or money problems, it was beyond my scope of reasoning. i was told, "these are adult issues, you don't have to worry about adult issues." there are times when i wish i was still a child and someone would say to me, "heather, you don't have to worry about this it is an adult issue."
a few years back a dear friend of mine was towards the end of her second round of chemotherapy to fight her breast cancer. just as her treatment was wrapping up she learned that she had developed another form of cancer that was caused by the treatment to cure her breast cancer, she now needed a bone marrow transplant. this was devastating news and it brought back the memories of my mom's battle with breast cancer. i was 14 when she was diagnosed, i remember that day like it was yesterday. my sister and i had come home from school, we lived at 1719 94th Dr., a split level home with a two tone teal kitchen that mom had purposely painted that color. she sat us down on the couch in the living room and said, "girls i have cancer. i'm not going to die. everything is going to be ok." i do not remember another word being said, i believed she would be ok and didn't question it. when my friend told me about her need to have a transplant i remember thinking, "when is someone going to tell me everything is going to be ok?"
there is a blog that i read I Hear Your Laugh Like a Serenade. it is written by a high school friend, whose husband passed away unexpectedly. every time, i really mean every time, i read it i weep. her journey is raw and candid. she does not hold back, she puts it all out there. i admire her bravery and wish i was that courageous.
in my own life, i have been through divorce, addiction, affairs, and financial issues, but all of it has given me the opportunity to better understand myself. was all of this in God's master plan? i think so. i know i would not be where i am at today without facing those hurdles,without being given the opportunity to examine myself. i am thankful for the opportunity.
i try hard not to question why do i have to go through this? or why is this happening to someone i love? but i do find myself stuck in that quagmire of WHY? i don't think that this reflects on my lack of faith, rather it is human nature. i often find it hard to trust without all the answers, without the back story, without knowing how it is all going to turn out, but in the end once i've exhausted myself in the struggle, i hand it over.
if i could learn to hand it over sooner i might be able to lessen the worry lines in my face, sleep sounder, slow down the aging process a little, savor more moments instead of trying to figure them out, have a little more inner peace. maybe this comes with age? who knows, but i am sure i will find out.
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