closure: the act of closing. the bringing of an end. conclusion. something closing or shutting.
the day my divorce was final i felt failure. i had promised before my family, my friends, God and myself that i would do whatever it takes. i was committing my life to another human being. i would always be by my husband's side until i leave this earth. i failed. now i am standing humbly in front of a judge who is asking "is the information being presented accurate and in accordance to your agreement?" the song jagged little pill comes to mind as i swallowed hard and replied yes. i had anticipated this day to be a day of relief. instead i felt shameful, embarassed, and sadness. how could i have failed at this?
that final day of my union was supposed to have been my closure. so why does it feel like the door is still cracked? is it because there is still a lot of anger, hurt feelings, and distrust? since my ex and i have never had a relationship of open communication there are many, many things that have never been talked about and probably never will. is it because we have children together so our lives are always going to be connected? i am not sure but my "closure" hasn't really come, at least i don't feel like it has come. i am not saying that i think there is more that could've been done, or that i want to reunite with my ex. i am simply saying that the final minute of being married and then the next minute when i wasn't didn't bring me closure.
when it comes to human relationships, this word closure has got me thinking, is there really closure? when a couple is breaking up and they talk it all through until both parties know that the efforts to mend the relationship are futile and then decide to end it, do they feel closure? does a family whose daughter has been murdered and the mother is sitting in one of a row of plastic chairs at the execution feel closure when the murderer has taken their final breath? do the families of 911 feel closure knowing that Osama is no longer walking this earth? when a loved one is terminally ill and they leave this earth does the family feel closure knowing that there is no more pain and suffering?
i had always thought that ending a chapter of ones life that is painful or hard would bring a sense of peace and relief. the more i live, experience and view the less i am convinced of this. well maybe i should clarify this just a bit, there comes peace and relief but it isn't as soon as i thought it would be. i can be rather impatient sometimes, and this is an area where patience is key.
this word closure was brought up again with a relationship of mine. my friend M.E. had decided that we lived too far apart and that pursuing a relationship wasn't in the cards right now. this was hard to hear because i think i am a forever optimist and although it is inconvenient i didn't think it was impossible. anyway, the day after his decision it was like nothing ever happened, like the conversation hadn't happened and we were communicating like before. a month goes by and although we aren't physically seeing each other, we talk everyday, banter back and forth, have meaningful conversations, and share our lives with each other.
as i am writing this i am hesitating. do i continue on sharing with how things are with M.E.? am i ready to be that vulnerable when i still don't understand? is the hesitation a warning to stop? it is funny how my fingers are refusing to continue, they are just hovering over the keys frozen, unable to make contact. maybe it is because the emotions are still so raw and new. maybe it is because i am uncomfortable with the situation and don't want to be judged. or maybe it is just that if i actually put it down and read it i will see what an idiot i am being and have to face myself. or maybe it is this, if i continue to write about my "relationship" with M.E. and get to the part about "closure", the conversation we had about "the brigning of an end" it will really be done.
closure, a word that confuses me when it comes to human relationships. i am not sure if there really is closure for ones heart. our hearts leave the door ajar, seemingly unwilling to let go.
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