a perfect friday afternoon....

as many of you know i am a reader.  i read on average a book a week.  i have been known to stay up all night because i am so engrossed in what i am reading.  it took me just under a week to read the Twilight series and i read Eclipse in one sitting all 600+ pages.  that was a really long day hunkered down in my chair.  i actually took some tylenol before going to bed that night i was so stiff from sitting in one position all day.  i am reader who needs my environment to be fairly quiet.  i am easily distracted and i never want to miss out on something, so a quiet room works well for me, but i got to do one of my favorite things, read, at one of my favorite places this weekend, the beach.

on friday afternoon i made my way to Deception Pass.  i was meeting matt to go camping for the night.  i got there before he did so i went to west beach.  by this time in the afternoon the sun was hanging low in the sky, the tide was coming in, the beach was fairly quiet in terms of other people.  it was a perfect place to cop a squat, catch the final rays of the day and lose myself in an intriguing story.

although friday was a beautifully warm gorgeous day the temperature was dropping.  lucky for me it is soccer season so the back of my rig looks like i am making a run to the goodwill, but really it is just all the gear one needs to stay warm at the frigid soccer fields.  so i grabbed my blankets, hat, scarf, gloves, a snack, phone, sunglasses, and my book.  i found the perfect patch of sandy beach with a log big enough to rest against and started to assemble my nest. 

first you lay out one blanket on the sand, but leave it big enough to wrap over your legs.  put on my gloves, scarf, hat and jacket, then wrap the other blanket around my waist to cover up my legs.  upon sitting you must wiggle your tush back and forth to create an indention that hugs the rear.  lean against the log, pick up book and begin to lose oneself.

i was in absolute heaven.  the sound of the waves crashing on the shore.  followed by the rocks being dragged on top of one another as the wave returns to the ocean.  a token bird here and there, i would love to say singing, but it was more like squawking.  the other people on the beach were fairly quiet as they walked by.  i took a few pictures to remember how glorious of an afternoon it was. 

although i sat there for a couple of hours the time did not drag, in fact i was so involved in my book i didn't notice that matt had arrived.  he sat next to me on the log and i didn't look up.  this is the sign of a good book. or maybe it is a sign that i can really block out my surroundings and i should give meditating another try.  whatever the sign is, it didn't take me too long to notice that he was there, i smelled him first.  this may sound weird, but whatever cologne he wears is superb and i was sitting down wind from him.

i looked up into his smiling face, he wrapped me up in a huge hug and said, "hi".  i was instantly melting and forgot all about my book.  we sat at the beach for a while in silence, just being and absorbing our surroundings, it was perfection.

navigating blindly....

the doctors don't hand you a manual with your newborn when you leave hospital.  can you even imagine?  the ins and outs of parenting would not fit in a pocket size manual.  it would be volume after volume of thick reference guides that would most likely take an entire bookshelf to house.  there isn't one right way to parent but there are definitely things that are not acceptable. you can't withhold food until your children are compliant, or beat them into submission, cage them when you need to run to the store, or tether them outside because you are tired of their noise.  just a few examples of things you simply can't do. sadly if there were actual manuals these would have to be listed. 

parenting to me feels like i am walking through a labyrinth blindfolded, placing each foot with purpose on the ground, hands stretched before me to try and feel the way, when i reach a dead end i have to pivot and continue.  i don't know if i am getting anywhere, if i am making any progress, but i continue because there isn't any other option.  navigating a labyrinth is challenging enough with the use of one or both eyes, but parenting doesn't give you the luxury of sight.  instead it is a series of blind wrong turns, dead ends and restarts.  sometimes your senses steer you in the right direction and you get to make several right turns in a row.  pat yourself on the back, you have succeeded. 
i have had a challenging kid week. between trips to the emergency room, doctors appointments, picking up my son who was crumbling from upsetting news, projects for school, soccer and just the regular spats between siblings i am beat!  sometimes i am surprised that i even survive some weeks in one piece that sort of resembles my regular self.  i know i will continue to have challenging times with my kiddos.  i will experience times where i feel like i have failed them but those will be coupled with times of triumphant rejoicing.

it is all part of the gig of parenting. 

the door has been left ajar....

closure: the act of closing.  the bringing of an end.  conclusion.  something closing or shutting. 

the day my divorce was final i felt failure.  i had promised before my family, my friends, God and myself that i would do whatever it takes. i was committing my life to another human being.  i would always be by my husband's side until i leave this earth.  i failed.  now i am standing humbly in front of a judge who is asking "is the information being presented accurate and in accordance to your agreement?"  the song jagged little pill comes to mind as i swallowed hard and replied yes.  i had anticipated this day to be a day of relief.  instead i felt shameful, embarassed, and sadness.  how could i have failed at this?

that final day of my union was supposed to have been my closure.  so why does it feel like the door is still cracked?  is it because there is still a lot of anger, hurt feelings, and distrust?  since my ex and i have never had a relationship of open communication there are many, many things that have never been talked about and probably never will.  is it because we have children together so our lives are always going to be connected? i am not sure but my "closure" hasn't really come, at least i don't feel like it has come.  i am not saying that i think there is more that could've been done, or that i want to reunite with my ex.  i am simply saying that the final minute of being married and then the next minute when i wasn't didn't bring me closure.

when it comes to human relationships, this word closure has got me thinking, is there really closure?  when a couple is breaking up and they talk it all through until both parties know that the efforts to mend the relationship are futile and then decide to end it, do they feel closure?  does a family whose daughter has been murdered and the mother is sitting in one of a row of plastic chairs at the execution feel closure when the murderer has taken their final breath?  do the families of 911 feel closure knowing that Osama is no longer walking this earth?  when a loved one is terminally ill and they leave this earth does the family feel closure knowing that there is no more pain and suffering?

i had always thought that ending a chapter of ones life that is painful or hard would bring a sense of peace and relief.  the more i live, experience and view the less i am convinced of this.  well maybe i should clarify this just a bit, there comes peace and relief but it isn't as soon as i thought it would be.  i can be rather impatient sometimes, and this is an area where patience is key.

this word closure was brought up again with a relationship of mine.  my friend M.E. had decided that we lived too far apart and that pursuing a relationship wasn't in the cards right now.  this was hard to hear because i think i am a forever optimist and although it is inconvenient i didn't think it was impossible.  anyway, the day after his decision it was like nothing ever happened, like the conversation hadn't happened and we were communicating like before.  a month goes by and although we aren't physically seeing each other, we talk everyday, banter back and forth, have meaningful conversations, and share our lives with each other. 

as i am writing this i am hesitating.  do i continue on sharing with how things are with M.E.?  am i ready to be that vulnerable when i still don't understand?  is the hesitation a warning to stop?  it is funny how my fingers are refusing to continue, they are just hovering over the keys frozen, unable to make contact.  maybe it is because the emotions are still so raw and new.  maybe it is because i am uncomfortable with the situation and don't want to be judged.  or maybe it is just that if i actually put it down and read it i will see what an idiot i am being and have to face myself.  or maybe it is this, if i continue to write about my "relationship" with M.E. and get to the part about "closure", the conversation we had about "the brigning of an end" it will really be done. 

closure, a word that confuses me when it comes to human relationships.  i am not sure if there really is closure for ones heart.  our hearts leave the door ajar, seemingly unwilling to let go. 

when i grow up....

i want to be a writer!!  funny, how i've never been able to answer this question.  i have never known what it is i want to be when i grow up.  my answer has changed so many times since i was younger.  i have never been the girl who wants to be a vet...ewww!!  i actually could see myself as a school teacher, but being responsible for all those little minds is a daunting overwhelming task.  a doctor...eh no, i love medicine and am very curious about how the body works, but the pressure of school would kill me.  i thought for a while that i wanted to be a dental hygienist, but i never even looked into it and the moment passed.  in high school i wanted to do something with art...be a curator, or run an art studio.  well that passed too, i quickly realized that i am not a "deep" enough person to understand art and honestly most of it looks like a mess to me.  my deepest apologies to all my artist friends, your work is beautiful, even if i don't understand it. 

words...this is something that works for me.  i am a word nerd.  i like the way a songwriter can string them together and come up with a complex beautiful arrangement that speaks to a person's soul.  the way a poet can talk about an inanimate object that really represents a lover's heartbreak.  an author that can tell a story that keeps you at the edge of your seat and has you up all night trying to figure out the ending, or sobbing because the characters are so real you feel their pain. 

so when i grow up i want to be a writer. of what?  who knows, i suppose i will figure it out.  i can picture myself in my work space.  i would need a window with a view of the water, preferably moving water.  the sound of water is very soothing and brings me to a happy place.  my space would be cozy.  lots of texture.  color.  pictures of my children on the walls.  by then (when i am grown up) i will have a sweetie and pictures of us will be on the walls too.  knick knacks and mementos of things that inspire me will be everywhere.  books, there will be lots and lots of books, stacked on the floor, on bookshelves, on the edge of my work table.  my favorite mug will be nestled perfectly amongst the crumpled pieces of paper and sticky notes tacked to everything.  there will also be music, lots of music, all different kinds to inspire me.

i will most likely get dressed to "go to work", in my heels.  i love the image of writers smoking.  i am not a smoker, but maybe i could get a fake cigarette just to fulfill this image.  i rarely wear my hair up, so it will most likely be down framing my face and resting on my shoulders, and i will constantly be sweeping it to the side.  i haven't figured out how to do the Bieber Flip and get my hair to stay so i will have to use my right hand.  i have never worn glasses, but have always wanted a pair to rest on the end of my nose.  i am sure after the first ten minutes i will be tired of them, but then i could put the end of an ear piece in my mouth and have that really serious look to me while i am tapping out my words.  i have a "writing sweater", it is mid-calf, grey or maroon, super cozy cable knit, bell sleeves, no buttons but maybe a sash tie and it has pockets, functional pockets.

well, now that i know what i want to be, i should do something about it.  question is where to start??

finding my groove....

do you ever have hours, days or even weeks where everything just seems to flow?  where you don't feel like you have been put in the rack?  where you can simply be?  i am in the midst of this.  my head is somewhat clear, it may never be totally clear, but i accept that.  my kids are full of smiles and laughter.  i am sleeping well.  i am filled with peace and joy. 

i am wishing i knew how to slow down time.  i am not a mother who wishes that my kids will stay little forever. i am looking forward to a day where they are little more self sufficient, but they are growing up so fast i wish i could proceed in slow motion. 

so far we have had a crazy busy week; school, work, soccer, carpool, soccer pictures, birthday parties, homework, meals, and the rest of the stuff to keep your house going; laundry, dishes, bathrooms, vacuuming.  ugh!!  it seems like this is way too much for one person to handle but so far the week has gone by smoothly.  very little arguing amongst the ratchets, helping hands without having to be asked, very little whining or testing of the limits and tons of smiles, laughter and silliness.

sunday was really a turning point for me, i let the things that are out of my control go.  laura munson, the author of a book i refer to a lot, would be proud.  there are many things that i could be worrying about, getting worked up about, allowing those feelings to consume my every moment, but they aren't.  instead of being cemented in a sidewalk of uncertainties, i am walking in a continuous motion forward.  it is blissful.

i often times get stuck focusing on one thing that i  would like to be different that isn't going my way.  i am like a stubborn two year old that wants a lollipop and mom says no.  instead of throwing myself on the ground screaming and hitting my forehead into the floor looking for a reaction, i stew.  i get completely lost in what i can't have, looking at it from every angle trying to find my way in.

in an attempt to save myself from being deemed a complete lunatic and save my kids from a distant short fused mom, i let it go.  i know ultimately there isn't anything i can do.  it is out of my hands.  beyond my control.  when something like this comes up, where i am stewing, it usually involves another person and since i do not have the power to predict the future or alter someone's mind i have to just free myself of the burden.  we had just talked about this in the sunday school class i go to, the phrase that beth moore uses a lot is freeing oneself from the yoke of slavery.  boy did that hit home.

it is funny how refreshing letting go or removing the yoke can be.  i started this post a week ago, since then i have had one other interaction, occurance, happening that could have left me cemented, but since i am working hard to stay on the path of continuous growth and movement forward i haven't stewed.  yeah me!  i just have to keep reminding myself to not get stuck and call upon the words of wisdom from some amazing women.

unnecessary words....

i read the following message on a friends facebook wall:
most of your words are unnecessary.  all too often you speak simply to fill the space with sound, because you feel uncomfortable with the silence.  but this silence is golden.  only in silence can a real prayer, a heart prayer be born.  next time you start chattering, step and feel into the silence, feel its shape, its texture, and then slowly say only what really has to be said.

this is something i am very guilty of.  i fill up page after endless page of words that have no meaning.  i am forever seeking the right combination of words to get my point across.  sometimes i am successful, but i feel that most of the time i leave myself more confused than when i started, which must mean that the person who is intended to receive my words is just as confused.  frankly that just stinks! 

when i am asked or told something (that i am uncomfortable answering or talking about), i immediately have words in my head to share. my first set of words is defensive and accusatory, which i try to keep in.  there usually isn't anything constructive that can come from these words.  bring on the next round of words, this set tends to be a little more tactful, but generally missing the meaning of what i am trying to say.  much to my dismay i usually spew out this set of words, which more than likely ends with me having to retract some of them and pass on the third round of words. 

although the second set has good points it is often said because the person i am speaking with is expecting an answer.  when i was married i would ask my spouse a question and he would just sit there.  i would look at him waiting for an answer.  most of the time he didn't even make eye contact with me.  then i would say did you hear me?  he would reply yeah, i just don't know what to say. which i would then say  well just tell me that, i don't know i'm thinking of an answer.  this used to drive me absolutely crazy. 

i often times have the correct combination of words to convey my message thoughtfully, to the point and respectfully by the third set, not always but often.  unfortunately i have already muddied the waters by spewing the second set, so not only does the third set have the correct words, it also has an apology for misspeaking the first time. 

this is an exhausting cycle.  maybe i should take my own advice and simply say i'm looking for the right words, give me a minute.  the message above says to sit back and feel into the silence.  i suppose in a way i already do this because i skip my first thoughts and more often than not use the second, but i would like to get to a point where the first and second just don't come or i am strong enough to bypass them and get to the third set quicker. 

since i am relatively new to this whole process of actually verbalizing things (my ex husband and i didn't talk about anything) i think i am making pretty good progress.  i figure i am in my teenage years, we all know those teenagers can be really unreasonable in their thought process sometimes.  good news, it hasn't taken me too long to get here and i should moving into early adulthood really soon. 

transparent.....

when i am going through a trial, not a court trial, but a trial in life, i often find it hard to be around people.  i feel like my peers expect me to be a certain way.  a smile on my face (you know that over the gum forced looks like it hurts smile), a boisterous laugh that starts in my gut and escapes my mouth and a somewhat skewed sense of humor.  when i am not feeling joyous and happy and attempt to fake those emotions well i just come across as transparent. 

i was recently reminded of this transparency.  i was at a big birthday bash and a friend of mine, who is going through a trial of her own, was attempting to put on this front, she was speaking matter of factly and emotionless.  she was doing a fine job of it, but for those who have gone through what she is going through it was easy to tell that it wasn't how she was really feeling.  please understand, that i am not faulting, bashing or criticizing her in any way, i just understand where she is at.  throughout the evening, she disappeared, come to find out she left stating i didn't realize how hard it was going to be to be around people.

i had this same experience a year ago on the 4th of July.  my dad had invited me to go to a party with him.  so here is a little history, my dad has had virtually the same group of friends my whole life, they have watched me grow up, but i rarely get the opportunity to visit with them as an adult.  at the time, my divorce was officially final, i had officially moved out of mom's into my own place, and was truly starting over.  so back to the invite, i declined.  i didn't want to have to answer, "so heather, what's new in your life?"  there isn't a truthful abbreviated answer.  this answer required at least 15 solid minutes of explaining...
i am officially divorced, i live in a shit hole but it is cheap and i can afford it, blah, blah, blah. 
it would have been easier to write up my latest bio, print it off and hand it out like a bulletin, titled The Latest and Greatest.
the problem with having to answer that question truthfully is that after i am done, i get a look.  that look of i'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this.  it is full of sadness and often times understanding because too many people go through this.  here is the deal, i chose to be in the situation and then i chose to leave.  so maybe the look could be good for you.

i am guilty of this look.  i don't want to see people i know have to go through trials.  i try to catch myself but i am not successful very often.  i'm not sure why i don't like getting that look when i do it myself, but i do.  i wonder if it is possible to feel empathic towards someone's situation and not give the look?  hmmm...

end of the challenge....

well it has been 4 months and the challenge is officially over, not because i am out of  new things to wear, but i get to go shopping.  woo hoo!!  the ladies who handed out the challenge and myself are going shopping.  they have decided that it has been long enough.  i must say that i am thrilled.  it seems like it has been forever since i have had "free reign". 

overall i didn't do too bad.  i wore a few of the same cardigans, and a skirt once or twice, but i definitely did not wear the exact same outfit.  it has been very eye opening to see what i really have.  there is a lot of it that i love and have been dying to wear again, but some of the things i have i will most certainly be passing along.  in fact i have been doing that as i wear the items.  if i can't stand, or fidget too much, or it just doesn't fit right anymore, the item got washed and sent for donation. 

i discovered that i like dresses the best.  they are easy to wear, once piece and you are done.  makes dressing less complicated in the morning, when i am distracted by two slow poke ratchets. throughout the challenge i was itching for different shoe options and light weight sweaters.  i am fonder of a pencil skirt over a full skirt and i still dislike pants.  i still have many things that i just haven't worn because of weather restrictions.  i can't wait for some warmer days so i can throw those gems on.  there are also some things that i just didn't put on for reasons unknown.  

april 11 - april 15

monday: layered gray/blue skirt, white vneck short sleeve tshirt, green short sleeve cropped cardigan, brown woven belt, carmel colored brown boots and knee highs
wednesday: black and white striped turtleneck, black tank dress, gray short sleeve cable knit cardigan, black tights and boots
thursday: jeweled neckline trapeze floral dress, black cardigan, grey bow belt, black tights and boots
friday: navy blue pencil skirt, cream tank, cream and navy striped cardigan, nude floral hosiery and smoking hot red patent leather peep toe pumps...ahoy!

april 18- april 22

monday: brown and white pinstrip button down shirt, burgandy rose short sleeve tee over the button down, button up brown cotton skirt, brown tights and boots
wednesday: ankle length navy blue circle skirt, white peasant tee shirt, short sleeve powder blue ruffle hoodie, neutral flat
thursday: olive green cords, black pointelle sweater, black boots
friday: black leggings, black short sleeve tunic, gray knee socks, gray short sleeve cable knit hooded sweater, black boots and silver jewelry.

april 25 - april 29

monday: abstract print tank dress, black fly away cardigan sweater, black tights and booties
wednesday: chambray-esque crop pants, coral short sleeve tee shirt, navy and cream blazer, brown pumps
thursday: black stretchy pants, black tank, turquoise kimono, black boots
friday: skinny jeans, peachy tank with burnished gold sequins, olive military-esque jacket, caramel leather boots

may 2 - may 5

monday: black front pleat skirt, black tank, black tie cardigan, black tights, leopard print heels
wednesday: brown jersey knit tank dress, white cami, white denim jacket, turquoise flats and jewelry
thursday: pinstrip navy blue slacks, white cami, navy blue tank sweater, turquoise patterned pumps

jumping God's hurdles....

throughout my life i have watched families jump tremendous hurdles brought on by death, divorce, health issues, financial ruin and a whole host of other issues.  as an adult i am able to better understand logically why these things happen, but my heart still does not understand.  i do believe in God.  i think that He gives us what we can handle, and that things happen for a reason, but sometimes i wonder if this was really in the master plan?  recently, we had a client whose husband died, but several months earlier her daughter was murdered.  i wonder was she really meant to have so much grief? what is she supposed to be learning from these horrors? 

as a child i was not able to fully comprehend illness, death, divorce or money problems, it was beyond my scope of reasoning.  i was told, "these are adult issues, you don't have to worry about adult issues."  there are times when i wish i was still a child and someone would say to me, "heather, you don't have to worry about this it is an adult issue."

a few years back a dear friend of mine was towards the end of her second round of chemotherapy to fight her breast cancer.  just as her treatment was wrapping up she learned that she had developed another form of cancer that was caused by the treatment to cure her breast cancer, she now needed a bone marrow transplant.   this was devastating news and it brought back the memories of my mom's battle with breast cancer.  i was 14 when she was diagnosed, i remember that day like it was yesterday.  my sister and i had come home from school, we lived at 1719 94th Dr., a split level home with a two tone teal kitchen that mom had purposely painted that color.  she sat us down on the couch in the living room and said, "girls i have cancer.  i'm not going to die. everything is going to be ok."  i do not remember another word being said, i believed she would be ok and didn't question it.  when my friend told me about her need to have a transplant i remember thinking, "when is someone going to tell me everything is going to be ok?"

there is a blog that i read I Hear Your Laugh Like a Serenade.  it is written by a high school friend, whose husband passed away unexpectedly.  every time, i really mean every time, i read it i weep.  her journey is raw and candid. she does not hold back, she puts it all out there.  i admire her bravery and wish i was that courageous. 

in my own life, i have been through divorce, addiction, affairs, and financial issues, but all of it has given me the opportunity to better understand myself.  was all of this in God's master plan?  i think so.  i know i would not be where i am at today without facing those hurdles,without being given the opportunity to examine myself.  i am thankful for the opportunity.

i try hard not to question why do i have to go through this?  or why is this happening to someone i love? but i do find myself stuck in that quagmire of WHY?  i don't think that this reflects on my lack of faith, rather it is human nature.  i often find it hard to trust without all the answers, without the back story, without knowing how it is all going to turn out, but in the end once i've exhausted myself in the struggle, i hand it over. 

if i could learn to hand it over sooner i might be able to lessen the worry lines in my face, sleep sounder, slow down the aging process a little, savor more moments instead of trying to figure them out, have a little more inner peace.  maybe this comes with age?  who knows, but i am sure i will find out.

who do i admire?

i was skyping with shreddie this morning.  i can't tell you how therapeutic that is.  in the midst of our marathon conversation, boys came up.  wow what a shocker, huh?  not that kind of "shocker"!!  come on people this is a family show.  ok anyway, boys came up.  i need to clarify something because my boss gave me a piece of advice the other day, "deal with men not boys"  i quickly replied, "that is the worst advice ever!!"  so here is the clarification, i am not dealing with actual boys, they are most definitely of age legal men, but when i say men it makes me feel old and well i am NOT old.  so there we go, the boys are all over 18, are legal residents of the United States, some have kids, all have jobs, none live with their parents that i know of, for all intents and purposes they are bonafide men.  

so back to shreddie, i was telling her about a fella that i have been chatting with.  i seriously love interacting with people, they are so interesting and i am often intrigued by what makes people tick, who they see themselves as and if i agree with how they see themselves.  i also love people who aren't afraid to ask questions, trivial to meaningful questions. someone who asks things that make you really examine who you are and what you stand for.  it reminds me of an interview, but  instead of getting a job that pays you are an applicant for the job of holding onto someones heart and protecting it.  if you are willing to give your heart to someone, you should ask serious questions.  i could learn something from this fella, he has asked me some really deep questions.  some of them have been really hard to answer. 

i was sharing a sampling of the questions with shreddie and told her that she was part of an answer to one of them.  she told me to blog about it. i don't want to hear you tell me, i want to read it.   shreddie knows that i can express myself better through written word and i think she secretly wants me to share with everyone else what i think of her.  shreddie suggested that i post a question a day and answer it.  this is an interesting idea and something i can definitely jump on board with.

who are some people you admire and why?  i answered this with 3 people, but there are definitely more people that i admire.  for instance my parents, my sister, and countless other people, but when i was sitting down to answer this question on this particular day i came up 3 peeps; bethy, shreddie and J.  the first two probably aren't all that shocking, but for anyone who has been reading this or knows anything about my personal life you might find J an interesting person to admire.

Bethy:  her name really isn't bethy, but this is one of the many variations of beth that we call her.  i trust bethy with anything.  she can read me like a book and can always tell when something is up.  she gives selflessly and loves unconditionally.  she has a solid, strong and loving marriage, something i hope to have in the future.  i have never met anyone who accepts everyone for who they are and doesn't judge their personality, their choices, or their lifestyle.  she is unwavering in her faith, extremely loyal, rejoices with you and sheds a tear with you.  i wish i was more like bethy, i am so very thankful to have her in my life. 

Shreddie:  i think the best thing about shreddie is that what you see is what you get with her.  if she were to have a conversation with the president on one day and then a grocery checker the next day about the same topic she would not sensor her language, change how she dressed or tone it down.  she is shreddie; controversial at times, outrageously funny, a feminist to the core, opinionated, loud, and loyal.  our friendship is solid. i can count on her for anything a slap across the face to snap out of it, a shoulder to cry on, shopping to making a dump run, anything.  there are times when i wish i was as brave as shreddie.

J:  i have honestly never met a man who has impacted my life in such a profound way.  having him in my life has changed me forever.  although the way he chooses to live his life does not work for the rest of the human  race, he is steadfast in his beliefs and culture.  he is probably the most brilliant person i have ever met most of the time i have no idea what he is talking about.  he is extremely artistic he can string unassuming words together in an interesting way which stirs my emotions.   i have so much to learn from him and am blessed with any drop of wisdom he shares.

i suppose shreddie is right, it will be nice to read a statement of admiration.   what i think would be interesting is if bethy, shreddie and even J see themselves the way i see them?  if the qualities that i so greatly admire and appreciate in them are the same qualities that they adore in themselves.