question thirty-three...

last night, i spent my evening tucked away in the farthest table from the door in an irish bar, across from a gentleman who agreed to take the fall in love with anyone test with me.  i can't say that i magically fell in love with him, but we definitely shared some intense, stripped down, honest moments with each other.  there were also moments of giggling, contemplation, and even some huh? moments.  whether you are already in a committed relationship, on the dating train, or in a fledging entanglement this test, which is really a series of questions, is an easy way to get to know each other on a more intimate level.

the test, a series of thirty-six questions, broken up into three sections, with each section getting more personal and revealing.  we breezed through section one, took more time in formulating our answers in section two, and then we delved into section three.  the questions in section three were definitely more in depth and forced me to take a deep breath and trust my partner before answering honestly.  i felt that question thirty-three was the hardest one for me to answer.

33.  If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?  Why haven't you told them?

i listened intently as the question was read and sat there for a moment thinking about my answer.  before i could speak, my eyes started brimming with tears. there was a brief moment where i contemplated whether i really wanted to go with my first answer.  i knew i was going to, but seeing as how my partner didn't know my history, i wasn't sure i wanted to share this part of my life quite yet.  despite my reservation, i took a deep breath, fought back my tears and revealed:

i would regret not telling my ex-husband that i am proud of him. 

 

saying those ten words out loud took me at least a minute to utter.  my partner was staring at me intently, absorbing every word i said.  he grabbed my hands and squeezed them gently.  it was a very comforting gesture at a time of complete transparency and vulnerability.  when i was able to swallow the lump in my throat and dry my tears i had to answer the second part of the question.

 

i don't want to open up that can of worms.

 

without having to explain further, my partner said, "i totally understand." i was thankful that I didn't have to continue explaining.  we sat there for several minutes digesting the heaviness of the moment. 

 

we completed the thirty-six questions and sat in near silence, just looking at each other.  it is unusual to get to that level of intimacy and share information about yourself in a very transparent way with a near stranger.  i felt like we didn't know what to say after all was said and done.  somehow asking about the weather seemed ridiculous.  i'm not sure what will become of the my test partner and i, but i'm positive we will remain friends.