memory lane...

at the beginning of this month, my office moved back into our building that had been through a fire two years ago.  while our building was being put back together, most of our stuff was put in storage, including the contents of my desk.  the recovery company packed it all so i never saw what went into the box, until i unpacked it.  the walk down memory lane was fun and sad all at the same time. thumbing through my belongings i found something i had written dated January 24th, the year wasn't included.

some days i feel like i've come so far in my personal growth.  i sit and think wow, "you are incredible heather" then there are days when i cringe at how far i have regressed and that dialogue goes like this "what the f*#k is wrong with you" i have to say i much prefer the first dialogue!

there are no names, or even an inclining of what was going on in my life to tell what i was upset or elated with myself about, but it's obvious i've been this conflicted person for a very long time.  i often struggle with how i feel i should handle situations.  for instance, i can't stand it when i get blown off, but i am guilty of doing this to other people.  when it happens to me, i dissect every interaction i've ever had with that person, replay the conversations, and look for some egregious act on my behalf that i need to apologize for.  however, when i do it to someone else, i mentally come up with a list of justifications as to why i can't follow through on an obligation i've made, but those justifications never leave my mind.  i often chicken out and forget the next step which is to share with the other person that i can't follow through. i know that this is the polite thing to do, but i feel bad that i'm failing at friendship. i'm guessing i'm not the only person who struggles with this since i get blown off frequently.

i also found a collection of things from a friend who i miss a lot and who has been on my mind lately. we have had a falling out, something i never ever thought would happen, but it did.  one of the things is a coupon that i got for my birthday to go play darts, something we used to do often.  there is an expiration date that says: this shall expire if not redeemed before i move, die, or become too old to remember who on earth you are...i was so tempted to reach out when i found this in the box, i almost sent a picture text asking if i could still redeem my game of darts, but i opted for a tear session instead.  the tears were involuntary, all the trinkets i had kept that mapped our friendship hit me hard and i was devastated all over again that our friendship was over.  if you are wondering i couldn't bring myself to get rid of any of it and it is displayed on my desk just as it was pre-fire and pre-falling out.

there were some happy things in my box of treasures.  i found pictures of bethy and i from the first mamma christmas.  i have my short boy haircut and bethy looks gorgeous as always.  there were pictures of some of my other mamma friends: due, ryan, and trickey.  they gave me signed teacher school pictures one year and i had them hanging at my desk.  my boss had added labels of "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" to their pictures one morning and those were still attached. countless pictures of my kiddos.  this totally awesome drawing from my son in which ash and I have arms longer than we are tall and odd rectangular bodies.  we are holding hands and only have smiles with no eyes on our faces.

my walk down memory lane was a myriad of emotions.  i have grown a lot, gained a lot, lost a lot, and oddly enough i am still in the same place. a mother to two amazing kids, i have the same friends (minus the aforementioned), and i struggle with the same inner turmoil.  there is some comfort realizing that despite everything i am still me.  that incredibly awkward girl fumbling through life one moment at a time.