inside my fortress...

"who travels for love finds a thousand miles not longer than one." ~japanese proverb

if you have followed my journey you will know that i am basket case when it comes to relationships.  actually i can break that down further, i am a basket case when it comes to an intimate relationship with a man.  i can tell you i have come leaps and bounds in the last few years, but there is still work to be done.  i am still beautifully flawed.

presently i am consumed in a fantasy.  at least it feels like a fantasy.  i am not ready to divulge any real specifics, but it is a long shot of a romance.  different time zones, different life styles, different just about everything, but still i am compelled to explore.  the whole situation seems utterly impossible but i can't seem to turn it off. 

i guess i am at a point where i am willing to take a risk.  the sane side of me says play it safe, stay in your comfort zone, stay inside your fortress of solitude.  inside my fortress there are no surprises, no disappointments or unknowns which makes my fortress extremely boring, uneventful and lonely.  i am craving the interaction, excitement and passion that comes with a man.

i have tried a relationship with distance, but the distance was just far enough to make it inconvenient.  it was easy to say "i'm tired don't feel like driving".  to say that i have a bad taste in my mouth regarding distance is a bit of an understatement.  since that experience i have narrowed the search to about 10 miles.  stop laughing, i was trying to be realistic.

here is my theory.  if i am going to be romantically involved with a man i want to actually see him face to face.  be in the same physical space as often as possible.  the thought of having to jump in my car and drive for an hour or more to have dinner with my beloved seems like a waste.  i can hear the distance supporters shouting you just haven't the found that person and in all honesty they are probably right. 

like i said above, i am consumed in a fantasy, a long shot, a one in a million chance that this could be the guy.  if i think about all the things working against me i can easily talk myself back into my fortress and raise the drawbridge forever, but a force bigger than me is seducing me to the unknown.  maybe a larger distance will relieve some of the anxiety i have in wondering when will i see him next.  a larger distance requires better and more extensive planning.  when you go through that much planning it is harder to blow the other person off. 

so here we go, i am switching gears.  instead of staying within a 10 mile radius, which by the way i have scoured with a lice comb, i am broadening my horizons.  hopefully that japanese proverb is right.