putting my best foot forward...

my whole body falls apart when i run myself down.  here's my situation.  i am coming off of an emotionally and physically draining week.  i am exhausted beyond belief.  i haven't been sleeping, have only eaten small amounts, have traipsed all across the county from activity to activity, and pretty much exhausted all my reserves.  i am literally operating on fumes and coffee.

with all the stress of life, i have what my friend bethy refers to as pizza face.  put your imagination caps on and visualize a pizza, maybe just the pepperoni part and place that over your face.  i have zits, not big ones, but i would beat a teenager in an acne throw down today.  oh my word, how can a woman of 36 still have zit problems?  i didn't even have them that bad when i was a teenager.  in the middle of the night i googled an overnight cure.  so here is what it said, (can't remember the source because it was the middle of the night) juice half a lemon, soak a cotton ball in the lemon juice and dab it on the affected area.  so a word to the wise, lemon juice on a pimple is a very uncomfortable feeling.  it stings like you've just brushed up against nettles.  i will say that they look much better this morning than they did prior to the treatment, but i am not sure if it was worth the sting.

i have bags under my eyes that i'm positive will hold all 85 tubes of lip gloss i own.  i'm not kidding.  i am sure there is remedy for this too, like tucks wipes, but i use cream.  oh yes, having children wreaked havoc on my body and i am still plagued with hemorrhoids today, not currently but often enough to keep the cream on hand.  i wonder if the cream works the same as a wipe? where do those bags come from anyway?  at least they aren't dark circles, puffy i can semi handle.

in between every cup of coffee i am downing a giant slurpee size glass of water.  i have brushed my teeth twice today and i have chewed multiple sticks of minty gum, but i still have the driest, cottoniest mouth around.  i swear i have been stuffed with sawdust and it is wicking every ounce of moisture out of my mouth. 

so far i've just mentioned my head!  i am usually 5'8", but today i am barely hitting 5'7".  pretty sure my osteoporosis spine is making an appearance today.  my legs have that second day lift burn, not sure where it is stemming from since i haven't lifted weights since...oh... 2010.  thankfully i am not rocking cankles or water retention through the gut.  gotta look at the bright side, right?

anyway, i'm at the end of my week, my stress level has reduced dramatically, the overload of activities are through and i am ready for some rest and relaxation.  ha!  mothers don't get breaks who am i kidding?  i have one more long restless night ahead of me, but maybe i can catch up on my sleep the next day? 

empty apologies...

how many times can one ask for forgiveness? 

does anyone else find apologies empty?  words mean nothing if they aren't supported by actions.  is it really too much to expect that we as humans weigh our actions and words before playing them out?  i know the answer to this is yes, because that is reality, but it would make life so much easier if humans were more proactive.

how many times has someone said i'm sorry  just to turn around and do the same exact thing the very next day?  how many times do you accept their apology before you say look unless your actions are different your apology means nothing? 

i had this very conversation with my daughter the other morning.  i feel like her whole life i have been on repeat.  i have two major complaints about my daughter.  one she has a very sharp tongue and is often times hurtful with her words.  it is difficult for me, as her mother, to not react to her quips.  she has a wonderful sarcastic, witty sense of humor but learning tact in delivery is torture.  two she has no follow through.  everything is done to the bare bones, there are no extra steps with that child. 

my expectation is lofty and developmentally unrealistic.  i understand that children do not approach life from a logical standpoint, they are impulsive and reactionary.  as they mature, get some life experiences under their belts and develop the shift from impulsive to logic happens.  i find myself struggling with the fact that she has the knowledge but she is still more impulse than logic and developmentally isn't capable of always making a choice that works for me.

with adults it is different.  as adults we have the knowledge and maturity to approach life situations from a logical standpoint.  in theory we should be able to make choices that don't require an apology.   however humans are selfish by nature and although we may have good intentions executing them is a different story all together.

so i ask you this, do you accept empty apologies (because the words aren't supported with actions) until the end of time because you realize you can't change human behavior and they are doing the best they can?  or do you put a cap on the number of apologies you will accept before turning away?

inside my fortress...

"who travels for love finds a thousand miles not longer than one." ~japanese proverb

if you have followed my journey you will know that i am basket case when it comes to relationships.  actually i can break that down further, i am a basket case when it comes to an intimate relationship with a man.  i can tell you i have come leaps and bounds in the last few years, but there is still work to be done.  i am still beautifully flawed.

presently i am consumed in a fantasy.  at least it feels like a fantasy.  i am not ready to divulge any real specifics, but it is a long shot of a romance.  different time zones, different life styles, different just about everything, but still i am compelled to explore.  the whole situation seems utterly impossible but i can't seem to turn it off. 

i guess i am at a point where i am willing to take a risk.  the sane side of me says play it safe, stay in your comfort zone, stay inside your fortress of solitude.  inside my fortress there are no surprises, no disappointments or unknowns which makes my fortress extremely boring, uneventful and lonely.  i am craving the interaction, excitement and passion that comes with a man.

i have tried a relationship with distance, but the distance was just far enough to make it inconvenient.  it was easy to say "i'm tired don't feel like driving".  to say that i have a bad taste in my mouth regarding distance is a bit of an understatement.  since that experience i have narrowed the search to about 10 miles.  stop laughing, i was trying to be realistic.

here is my theory.  if i am going to be romantically involved with a man i want to actually see him face to face.  be in the same physical space as often as possible.  the thought of having to jump in my car and drive for an hour or more to have dinner with my beloved seems like a waste.  i can hear the distance supporters shouting you just haven't the found that person and in all honesty they are probably right. 

like i said above, i am consumed in a fantasy, a long shot, a one in a million chance that this could be the guy.  if i think about all the things working against me i can easily talk myself back into my fortress and raise the drawbridge forever, but a force bigger than me is seducing me to the unknown.  maybe a larger distance will relieve some of the anxiety i have in wondering when will i see him next.  a larger distance requires better and more extensive planning.  when you go through that much planning it is harder to blow the other person off. 

so here we go, i am switching gears.  instead of staying within a 10 mile radius, which by the way i have scoured with a lice comb, i am broadening my horizons.  hopefully that japanese proverb is right.

devilishly handsome...

the laws of attraction are different for every human.  we tend to place a boat load of value on the packaging.  i am guilty to a degree.  my preferences have matured through the years, but there are still some traits (mouth, eyes and hair) that i have always been drawn to.  i still drool and swoon over men i find to be devilishly handsome, much like a teenager who plasters their walls with posters of their crush. 

 

corey haim was my first real crush.  in my tree fort i had many posters from teen magazine tacked all over the paint splattered walls.  during my early teen years i found him to be devilishly handsome, maybe because he hung his mouth open all the time like i did.  i used to be one of those horrendous mouth breathing trolls before surgery and here was this movie star who appeared to be a mouth breathing troll too.  coincidence?  who knows, but i can remember staring at his posters in the fort.  always positioning myself so i had a good view of corey.   

i am still really drawn to a man's mouth.  teeth are important.  i have never found a man with a mouth full of chiclets for teeth attractive.  i would prefer a man with dentures over a man with jacked up teeth.   i love a man who is easy to smile, but a coy smirk works for me too.  those great teeth should be concealed behind a pair of kissable full lips.  there is just something about the way a man moves his lips that starts my engine.

next thing i seem to notice straight away is a man's eyes.  as an adult i have been very drawn to blue eyes.  as you can see from corey's picture he is not a blue eyed fella, maybe this is why my teenage crush didn't last very long.  i love blue eyes.  the men i have been most attracted to have a twinkle in their eye.  it is hard to explain, but their eyes are playful, spirited, mischievous, alluring, and above all they draw me in.  there are some eyes that i can get lost in and lose track of time.  oh my goodness to get lost in a man's eyes is heavenly. 

hair.  i have always been drawn to dark haired men.  a man with thick, kind of messy hair is preferred.  i tend to really like the "just pleasured" hairdo.  maybe it's because i can picture my hands wrapped up in that hair.  or maybe because it is a very casual not trying to hard type of look.  whatever the case, i love a man with thick dark hair.

so there you have it the physical features i am drawn to.  it is important to me to be physically attracted to my partner.  i want to feel like i need to rip his clothes off at any given moment.  however, if there isn't a brain hiding beneath that glorious hair or intelligent words formed by those delicious lips it isn't going to work for me.  i place greater value on intelligence, creativity and character than i do on the packaging.

the white dancing ball...

for the past couple of days i have had something on my mind.  i have thought about "it" while i am trying to go to sleep.  i was on the look out for "it" today.  i have spent too much time researching this silly thing that has been on my mind.  if you know me, you know that i despise researching.  i do not have the patience to search through countless articles on the internet trying to find the answer.  there is probably an easier way of internet researching i am just unaware of it.

i'm not quite ready to tell you what has been on my mind.  instead i think that i will describe for you what "it" is.  sit back, relax and close your eyes.  no wait, you can't close your eyes you have to keep reading, but when you are done reading then sit back and close your eyes and imagine what you just read.  ready?  here we go.

you are sitting with someone, male or female makes no difference.  you are facing each other, the distance doesn't matter, just far enough apart to see into their eyes and hear their voice.  if you are me, you make eye contact with the person who is talking giving them your full attention, but something distracts you.  this something is on their mouth.  not inside the mouth but traveling from the bottom lip to the top lip every time their lips press together to form a word.  if you are me, you try really hard to maintain eye contact, but that little white ball, of i don't know what, is very distracting.  before you know it you are watching the dance of the white ball instead of making eye contact and not listening to anything the person is saying.  instead you are wondering where will the white ball go next?

has this ever happened to you?  do you know what i am talking about?  what the heck is happening? where in the world did this white ball come from?  does the person know it is there?  can they feel it traveling along their lips?

i have never been brave enough to ask the person any of these questions, but i really want to know.  i know a couple of people who seem to have this problem every time i talk to them.  is it a problem?  is this a sign of some sort of deficiency?  from what i can tell there isn't any similarities between the folks that i know that seem to have this white ball.

in my attempt to research this white ball all sorts of different topics were brought up.  apparently there is a term in baseball called a "spit ball".  there are also several different pornographic references.  all i have to say about that is uh any potential lovers... please, please do not spit on me.  nasty, i would probably barf on said person.  there was of course references to making spit balls and how to shoot them out of a straw.  i totally did that as a kid, but now i think it is foul.  there was also many, many forums on whether you can "catch" a HIV or some other disease by someone spitting on your lip.  none of these things helped me in the least. 

remember i am horrific researcher, lacking the patience or know how of stellar researching capabilities.  all i could really find is that it is a sign of dehydration.  surprisingly enough there is not an actual word for this white ball.  this kind of shocked me everything seems to have a word associated with it and extensive information regarding it. 

after all that i've still got nothing, but i'm not wondering so much about it anymore.  i am guessing that i will still be distracted and captivated by the white dancing ball.  it is kind of like roadkill, it's kinda gross because it is a wad of spit probably mixed with dead skin cells, but i can't seem to look away.  i just want to know where it is going to go next.

daisy dukes...

since the weather is warming up i've been working on shedding my protective winter layer.  i don't pack on blubber like a gray whale, but there is definitely enough blubber to create unwanted dimpliage. is that a word?  i don't think so, but i like it.

i think i might be approaching an age where short shorts are not going to work for me.  when a ladybug can make a cozy home in the divot on the back of my thigh this might a good sign to cover that up.  or when i get a dirt line in the crease of my elephant knee, this might also be a sign to work harder or shower more.  or when my rear surpasses the hem, this is definitely a sign that i need longer shorts.

over the weekend, thankfully in the privacy of my family, i had donned a pair of daisy dukes.  the last time i wore these particular shorts i was in hawaii and in tip top shape, not the case this time.  as i turned to leave the bathroom, i caught a glimpse of the horror show i was subjecting the public to.  it stopped me dead in my tracks.  i'm not oblivious to the fact that i carry my weight through my hips and thighs, but holy cow, what in the world is going on back there?  have you ever seen a raised relief map?  you know those kind where the mountains are raised, the valleys are indented and the waterways are prominent?  yeah that's what is happening on my backside; peaks and valleys and a river system of stretch marks from having children.  sigh.

i was blessed with long legs, but they are only decent from the knee to the ankle.  something unflattering is happening from the knee to the hip.  before you accuse me of having a poor self image, i should point out that i think i look pretty darn good for 36 and two kids.  it's not model perfect, but if you airbrushed me it would be.  *wink*

here is what i am learning i am going to have to be more conscious of my protective winter layer.  if i can keep it to small curd cottage cheese instead of large curd year round, i will be golden.  as i get older it is harder and harder to maintain this figure.  i'm also thinking that if i desire to wear some obscenely short shorts it should only be to display my war wounds. 



something like this...a leisurely walk on the beach that took a wrong turn.

getting ripped...

make up

fashion trends

haircuts and color

manicures

pedicures

tanning

exercise

shapers

let's be real, ladies go through a lot to keep up their appearance.  it can be argued that we do it for ourselves, but i think the majority of ladies put themselves through a rigorous upkeep regimen to please their fella or to attract a fella.  i am not discounting the influence of the media and celebrities because this is our gauge for perfection, but most of us do not have the same amenities at our disposal. 

one of the many regimens to achieving perfection is body hair removal.  there are a several different forms of removing ones hair; shaving, waxing, plucking, threading and electrolysis to name a few.  i have done a few of these.  i am an italian/german naturally hairy gal, daily shaving is a must.  let's just say that if i have shaved my legs in the morning i am sporting a 5 o'clock shadow in the evening.  big sigh.  no worries potential suitors i take great care in staying hairless.

my sister is a hair removal expert.  she will wax, sugar and pluck unwanted hair from any region of your body.  i secretly think she enjoys inflicting pain on people, but we will just say she enjoys the extra income. when she was in school learning the tricks of the trade she would rip and then watch your facial expressions.  see i told you, she likes to inflict pain on others.  i have let my sister wax and sugar my eyebrows, mustache (at certain times of year it is much more noticeable than others), armpits, legs and the typical bikini wax, but not a brazilian.

i had a couple of reasons for keeping my meticulously groomed "down there hair".  one it hurts like a mother *!^$#* to wax.  two refer back to reason one.  i had also never entertained the idea of my sister doing it.  what could be more uncomfortable than your sister up close and personal with your hoo-ha?  i can't think of too many things that are more uncomfortable.  after much deliberation and advice from some fellow blip friends i decided to give it a go.

here's the thing about my sister, if you agree to something she will hold you to it.  there is absolutely no backing out of it.  so when i text her the morning of and said i need to reschedule, i started my period this morning.  she simply replied that isn't an issue, see you at 10:30. i was floored.  ummm..first of all nasty, i am already uncomfortable with the thought of my sis being that close to my hoo-ha and i'm having my period.  could this get any worse?  what in the world am i thinking?  all i can think of is the wax (or in this case sugar) getting caught up in my lady gear.  i just know something horrible is going to happen, i am not the luckiest of gals.

so i meet my sister at my mom's house, because we need to make this as awkward as possible, and drop trow.  i climb up on her portable waxing table naked from the waist down and clamp my legs together.  i still can't believe i am doing this, the last time my sister saw this region of my body naked was eight years ago when i delivered my son.  i am wondering if i look different down there, does your hoo-ha age? i don't dare ask, i really don't want an inspection. 

sis puts on her game face and is all business.  as she gets started prepping the area, she starts giving me instructions on after care, maintenance, and what i am about to endure.  what in the world do you talk about when your sister is touching you in a place no sister should?  weather seems a little weird.  she asks me about any latest love interests.  okay this is a normal topic to discuss with my sister, but our current situation is far from normal.   in between many "ows" and "mother of ___s", i tell her about delicious, a long shot of a romance, but still i am swooning.  before i know it she is done with the front and says "flip over".

ummm...why?  well, with a true brazilian you remove the hair from the back.  what in the world?  now i don't spend a whole lot of time spreading my cheeks and checking my crack out, but how hairy is it back there?  do i have goatee coming out the hole?  are we talking dead of winter sweater hair growth or summer knit hair growth?  who cares if there is hair?  nobody sees this area of me, why do i have to remove it?  in the spirit of the experience i flip over and spread 'em.  ladies and gentlemen this was a piece of cake.  the position was way more intrusive than the removal of the hair.

i am no worse for the wear, a little less hairy and a pound lighter from my sweat impression on the table, but i survived.  i am told that the maintenance isn't nearly as bad as the initial, which i am scheduled for next month, so there might be a follow up.  (insert cheeky wink)

in case you want to know more about sugaring, you know besides my own experience, here is a link that explains what it actually is.
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-sugaring-hair-removal.htm

dressing the part...

i have a huge problem with the laziness of people's clothing choices.  it drives me bananas that lounge wear has become acceptable outside of your home.  lazy.  it takes just as long to put on real pants as it does pajama bottoms.  not only is it lazy, but pajama bottoms are really unflattering, you look as if you are carrying a load in your drawers.  ladies and fellas if you are looking to "hook a hottie" pajama pants are not the best option.  in the same respect if you are wanting to keep your partners attention, pajama pants are not the best option. 

the other day i went to a court proceeding for work.  i feel i dress very professionally on a daily basis, but i took extra care to be super spiffy for court.  pencil skirt, blouse, and sensible shoes the look said conservative and put together.  even though i hadn't a freaking clue of what to expect, i looked the part, a knowledgeable legal professional.

one of the witnesses, our witness mind you, had on a train wreck of an outfit.  i should preface this with she is a veteran of the legal world, being a paralegal for 20 plus years, she should really know better.  when you are a witness, your outfit should reflect your credibility.  i'm sorry but leggings (which are NOT pants, they are a layering piece best suited for persons under the age of 25) a slut tank (this is one of those under pinnings with a shelf bra), no bra (guess she figured the unsupportive shelf bra was enough, it wasn't), cardigan and white athletic tennis shoes is not a credible outfit.  she looked like she had come straight from the gym and instead of changing she threw on a cardigan to "fancy" up the ensemble.  train wreck!!

since i have mentioned the bra thing i am going to say this.  ladies, i don't care how large or how minuscule your ta-ta's are, you are required to wear a bra in public.  now i am very challenged in the breast region, nursing two children left my already small breasts in a pitiful state, but i wear a bra everyday.  wearing a bra adds shape to my poor deflated breasts, it also adds symmetry, and adds a little size to create some balance with the rest of my shape.  ladies we want our breasts to be high and tight, not drooping to our waistline.  hike those girls up with a supportive bra and your shape will be more flattering and proportioned. 

i hear all the time, it is easy for you to dress you are small, you can wear anything.  this is false.  i can't wear whatever, i have my own challenges.  i carry my weight through my hips and thighs.  i am your classic pear shape.  to combat a heavier hip one must create volume on the top, as you know i don't have my own volume naturally (recall poor deflated breasts).  through the help of pattern, detail, ruffles, and jewelry at the neck i can draw attention away from my problem area.  another way to distract from a larger hip is to keep the lower half streamlined.  so i tend to wear darker colors and less patterns on the lower half. 

dressing your body does not have to be difficult.  first figure out what works for your shape.  dress appropriately for your age.  dress the part for whatever you are doing. and for goodness sakes stop wearing your pajamas out in public.

1,000 atta girls...

i broke my own rule this morning.  i am not feeling good about it, but i can't take it back.

outside of three piercings in each ear and two scars from stitches, i have never intentionally marred my skin permanently.  i don't have any ink tattoos.  i have never used a razor blade and cut my skin.  i don't have any other piercings on my body.  i have never purposely burned my skin with a cattle prod or cigarette.  i have never been whipped to the point of blood, but i do bear scars.

i have said this before, but it is worth repeating...

choose your words carefully because you are essentially tattooing someone's brain with your message. 

i did not do this.  i got caught up in the moment.  i physically stopped my car so i could turn and pummel my daughter with my words.  at that moment i needed her to understand me, hear me and see my eyes.  watching her cower in her seat at my assault shook me to the core, but i didn't relent. i let her have it.  this is not a proud parenting moment, possibly one of my all time lows.

i am embarrassed and ashamed that i treated my daughter so horribly, but i had had enough.  enough of the disrespect and cavalier way she speaks to me.  however, this is not a reason to berate her.  i know that i have permanently tattooed her brain with my words and it is going to take 1,000 atta girls before those words will fade.

loss of appetite...

seems like there are many ways one can "lose their appetite".  you can lose your appetite to live, to compete, to play the game, to keep trying, and the basic definition to consume calories to sustain your body.  recently had a day where i had a torrent of emotions that started with a delirious happiness and waned to discouraged pouty face.  throughout the course of the day i lost my appetite literally and figuratively.

i started the day with very little sleep.  i had endured a captivating and engaging conversation the night before and found my self unable to sleep.  i was craving more but the only more i was getting was the mental replay and fantastic daydream.  after eventually drifting off to sleep, more than once, i woke with a spring in my step, a smile on face, and a heart full of hope and promise. 

typical flo got wrapped up in the moment and blabbed her "good fortune" with her closest and dearest friends.  i say typical, because i think that i often jump the gun.  as you know i take people for their word.  when you tell me something i believe you really mean it and aren't blowing smoke up my ass.  i should possibly proceed through life a little more cautiously and question intentions a little more, but i haven't figured out how to do that.  i want and will most likely continue to believe that the majority of humans are here for good and are not out to "get me".

as the day wound down i found myself beginning to question if my "good fortune" was for real.  that nagging voice inside of me that says, "face the music nobody is that enamored with you" started a soft but relentless campaign against my mood.  i recognize that i read too much into happenings that don't occur; an unanswered text, an avoidance to a question, or a missed exchange.  i have a hard time not taking things personally and somehow turn the situation around on myself; i was too this or too that. 

after patiently watching the clock for ninety minutes i gave up.  i threw in the towel.  i lost my appetite to believe.  i turned off all forms of communication, blocked my view of the clock and attempted sleep.  it is now 3:30, i have been up since 1:45.  i am thankful for the short reprieve and fitful slumber i found myself in, it will sustain me another day.