is the grass greener...

recently i asked for a topic to write about.  sometimes i draw a blank.  getting some direction is helpful, but can be harder than when inspiration smacks you in the face.  often times when i have an idea i can whip out several paragraphs, kind of like a rough draft, then i go back to tweak, add some humor (if it calls for it), use a thesaurus (to sound a little smarter than i am), read and reread until i am satisfied.  other times i have an idea, throw down a couple of sentences but find there is nothing left to say about it.  sometimes those ideas are finished at a much later time but most of the time they are round filed.  without further ado, here is the suggestion i decided to roll with:

is the grass greener on the other side?

 

i don't think so.

i think the grass is greenest where you water it. 

 

have you ever tried growing grass from seed?  it isn't as easy as throwing some seed on the ground and watering it.  you have to prepare the ground, then seed, water, water, and water some more.  you have to make sure that nobody tramples, eats, or craps on your new life.  sometimes it comes in patchy and you have to work a little harder to get that area to grow.  once your lush grass has rooted then comes the hardest part keeping it alive and healthy with very few weeds.

 

can you see the similarities between grass and relationships? 

 

i'm going to do a whole lot of calling the kettle black  seeing as how i did not do these things in my marriage, but i have learned a whole lot so i can do things differently in the future. 

 

i think that there are always going to be outside temptations.  there is always going to be someone who is more attractive than your mate.  someone who may have more in common with you.  someone who has greater means.  someone who may challenge you more.  tons and tons of temptations.  the flip side of this is that all those same temptations are there for your partner yet they have still chosen you.

 

relationships take constant care; watering, weeding, fertilizing, and mowing. 

 

watering:  to me this is the daily interactions with your partner.  the day to day comings and goings that are essential to building a life together.  the coordinating of schedules, the dreaded what's for dinner? conversations, the catching up about your days, the daily physical connections (yes i said daily and i mean it) and of course the disagreements over the piddly things.

 

weeding:  this is getting rid of the temptations, like those nasty dandelions that take root in the middle of the yard.  there is no way to avoid them, but you can remove them as they come up.  there is more to weeding than just removing.  this is an opportunity to understand why you are succumbing to the lure and find a way to fill that need in your current relationship.

 

fertilizing:  this is the unexpected and extra boost to keep the excitement alive.  it is imperative to step outside of the daily routine and be spontaneous.  experience life instead of watching it.  it is so much better to experience life when you have someone to turn to and say "wasn't that fun?".  trust me, i'm becoming an expert at living alone.  i still turn my head and say the phrase but nobody answers back. sigh

 

mowing:  this could be the weekly time you set aside to reconnect.  it seems like the healthiest, longest lasting relationships are the ones where the couple still dates.  you don't have to leave the house to date, just check out the dating divas for some great ideas for at home dates.  my point is, before you are committed couple you spend oodles amount of time "entertaining" each other.  why in the world should that end just because you got your hooks in them forever? i don't think it does, i think you should continue to date each other.  

 

so there we go.  no i don't think the grass is greener somewhere else.  it may appear greener, much like an oasis in the dessert, but often times once you are in it, it ends up being similar to the grass you left.  all relationships have their ups and downs, their lefts and rights, the forwards and backwards, but i sincerely feel that if you truly love the person you are with and nurture that relationship, you will be successful. 

 

oh there is one variable, your partner has to want to the same thing.  if they don't you're screwed and there isn't anything you can do about it. 

validation, intimacy, adventure...

on a recent friday night, i had the pleasure of sharing a beer (or two), a plate of asian nachos and deep conversation with two intelligent forward thinking men.  oh stop it, this wasn't an interview for a threesome.  anyway, what was supposed to be a casual, friendly, light hearted beer, turned into a pretty intense exchange.

the most interesting topic of the evening was this: what are the top three things that you need from a partner?  now i am not at liberty to share what the men said, but i think their answers were great.  i can share with you mine; validation, intimacy and adventure.

validation

 

i can feel my sis cringing at the first one.  she is always on me for expecting too much.  however, it is part of who i am, i can curb it a little, but it is always there.  i don't need a lot of validation, but i do want to know and feel that i am important to my partner.  i figure for the right fella that isn't going to be a big deal.  he will be more than happy to share that with me not because i need it but because he wants me to know that i'm his girl.

neither of the men found this to be crazy or over the top, in fact they said they already knew this about women, that most women have a need to be validated (the degree obviously varies) and that they in fact show their women.  here in lies the problem, women need it, men know it, men give it just not in the form that we women easily recognize, then we women bitch and moan because we didn't recognize it.  it's that whole men and women not speaking the same language piece.

intimacy 

 

when i said intimacy one of the fellas asked for elaboration "what does that mean to you?"  i love all aspects of intimacy.  i think it is uber important for partners to touch.  sometimes i think we think of being intimate as a naked escapade, but for me there are many clothed acts that i consider intimate; holding hands, resting a hand on your partner's leg, mingling feet, hugging, kissing, making love, massages, sitting so close to each other that your legs touch from hip to knee, and although this isn't physical, eye contact can be very intimate.  now all of these could be better naked, but even clothed it is important to me to touch my partner often and regularly.

as you can imagine neither of the men found this to be outrageous.  really why would they?  intimacy is something that wasn't prevalent in my marriage, but it is something that i've learned i need, i crave, and am determined to have and keep alive in future relationships.  clearly, needing this from a partner is a win win for both of us.

adventure
 

in my experience, it is really easy to get stuck in the mundane routine of life.  i don't know about you, but i need some excitement to keep me motivated in the mundane.  adventure doesn't have to translate to something big.  for me there is adventure to be had everyday; taking a drive on a road you've never traveled, eating at a restaurant you've never tried, maybe eating at a restaurant you love but everyone has to eat something new, running a new path, watching a new show together, trying something new in the bedroom, going shopping and picking out an outfit for each other (not something you think they would pick out, but something you really like) and trying it on.  i can think of tons of things that would mix up the everyday dullness and add some adventure to our life. 

one of the men said he wasn't surprised at all by this.  this might be because i am always on the go.  whether i have someone to share the experience with or not, i am still out there trying, living, experiencing all that life has to throw at me.  in my opinion living shouldn't stop because you are now falling into a routine together, the routine should be dotted with the new and unexpected.

maybe my top three are lofty and unattainable?  i don't think they are.  i think when two people are on the same page the things that are important to them individually become important to them as a couple.  i didn't think that the top three of the fellas were off the charts crazy, they actually made sense to me. 

whether you are in a new relationship or one of many years, this is a good conversation to have.  it is eye opening to see what is important to the person you have chosen to give yourself to.  you may discover something new about your partner.  you may discover new about yourself.  as time goes on i think it would be good to have this conversation again, because i think as we mature individually and in a relationship our needs and desires change.

so what's your top three?

martyr at heart...

why is that we hold onto trinkets, memories, people, what have you, that bring us pain?  are we martyrs at heart, at the very core of our being, repeatedly causing ourselves grief and pain by revisiting the past?  or maybe it isn't about the malaise, maybe it is a way to prove to ourselves that our worth hasn't been crushed, kind of the, i will triumph no matter what, mentality? 

the other night i couldn't sleep.  i had a million and two snapshots nascar-ing in my brain.  images circling, lapping, speeding up, slowing down, one image jockeying the next image for first place.  it was seriously exhausting.  at some point in time i did find sleep because i woke up.

are you a re-hasher?  are you someone who dissects the past to see where things went wrong, where things went right, find ways to improve for the future and bury what you will never, ever repeat?  i am.  this is what was happening the other night. 

just as i was trying to fall asleep my brain, or maybe my heart, decided to do something else besides partake in blissful sleep.  i spent several hours lying in the dark, covers pulled up to my chin, staring at the wall in front of me.  a blank robin's egg blue wall, that i painted with the person who was occupying my thoughts.  just like watching a movie our whole friendship played on the blank space in front of me; all the laughter, the tears, the anger, the apologies, and the love.

my "movie" must've ended on a good note which is why i finally fell asleep.  however when i awoke, my thoughts were still occupied.  sometimes people have such a profound impact on your life it is hard to let go.  it is hard to push their existence into a place that you can't easily visit.  let's face it, it is just hard.

the moments i spend reliving the past with this person continually wane.  it is not because i don't care it is simply too hurtful to visit on a regular basis.  living in the past prohibits me from being open and accepting of the positives that are in my life right now.  taking steps to positively impact my mental health doesn't just happen, it is a conscious decision i have to work at every day.

craigslist ad...

i'm about to stick my nose into something i shouldn't.  i have absolutely NO first hand knowledge to know how i would deal with this situation, but that doesn't stop me from having an opinion.

craigslist ad:

free decorating supplies; live and dead flowers, balloons deflated and floating, beads of multiple colors, a banner, a sturdy white cross and a whole bunch of other crap. 
please remove as soon as possible, but i recommend collecting your cache in the cover of darkness. 

location: on the side of a curvy busy road, just look for the cross.

 

last year there was a fatal hit and run car accident outside my house. I have been amazed and astounded by the outpouring of love from this man's family, friends and possibly strangers.  the amount of flowers and balloons is incredible.  i hope when i leave this earth that i will be loved just as much.  however, i don't want my loved ones to spend the rest of their lives "decorating" the place that i passed.

i admit that this is a bit churlish, but i am done. 

DONE, i say. 

over the past year, every, i'm talking every, major holiday has been celebrated at the cross on the side of the road.  twelve carved pumpkins for Halloween, harvest colored flowers for thanksgiving, a decorated miniature tree for Christmas, heart balloons for valentines day, easter lilies for easter, mardi gras beads for mardi gras (is that even a real holiday?).  for the anniversary of the accident came a huge bouquet of balloons and an enormous "don't drink and drive" banner that was duct taped between two towering trees.  the most recent addition is birthday balloons, it must have been his birthday.

i'm kinda reacting like mr. nebbercracker from the movie monster house.  have you seen this movie?  he is a crotchety old man who is constantly harping at the kids across the street to get off my lawn!  i feel like him because i am tired of the traffic (people parked in my driveway or on the shoulder of the road) to pay their respects.  i am tired of all the crap that is on the side of the road, it is distracting and junky to look at.  to be honest i am tired of being reminded that a person was killed feet from my front door.  

like i said, i have no first hand knowledge of what i would do if my loved one died tragically in an accident.  maybe i would go back to the last place they were alive.  however i think that i would be more inclined to honor my loved one by going to a place that we enjoyed together.  i will give you an example; every year my dad takes a morning to go to a golf course to remember his dad.  sometimes he plays a round, sometimes he just walks the course, but every time he is there because it is something that brings back fond memories of his dad.  this is more my style.

to date there is still a mess of stuff on the side of the road.  it will probably remain there for years and i am just going to have to deal with it or move. 

constant scrutiny...

i have great friends.  they provide endless support, laughter, annoyance, grief and of course love.  however i have a small problem with them when i am interested in someone.  i know that their questions come from protectiveness but lord almighty i think they have forgotten what it's like to date.  seeing as how i am the only gal who isn't married or in a long term relationship, my entanglements fall under constant scrutiny.

i struggle personally with wanting to know all the answers and letting things happen naturally.  it is a constant ebb and flow in my world.  for instance i want to know things like; where is this going?  is he seeing anyone else?  is he the one?  seriously my mind goes into a tailspin trying to decipher imaginary clues.

i can say honestly that with this new guy...i'm going to have to give him a nickname so i can refer to him easier...let's see, uh, i could call him D, this is the first initial of his first name?  or maybe lover?  no that is too crass even for me. let's go with D. 

back to what i was saying, i can honestly say that with D, i'm enjoying getting to know him.  it is going much slower than anything has in the past and there is a part of me that really likes that.  our schedules are completely opposite of each other and there ends up being about one day a week that we can connect.  i don't stress too much about where things are going...until, someone starts asking me questions.

the other day i was running with my training partner and she started asking questions.  it started with something like, "i don't want to be a downer, but do you think you are going to be able to deal with his work schedule long term?"  i replied honestly, "i don't know."

i have another friend who asks me questions about how things are going and usually my answer is, "well i don't see him often our schedules don't really mesh well."  this is usually met with some choice words about how i should be with someone who makes the time to see me and a repeated question, "how can your relationship grow if there isn't time to see each other?"  

then i start thinking.  always a problem.  is there some underlying meaning behind the fact that there isn't more time?  should i be expecting him to carve out a little more time for me?  am i satisfied with how things are?  ugh

under the constant scrutiny of well meaning friends it is easy to question the progress or lack there of, however at this point i am comfortable with how things are.  would i like to see him more?  yes.  who wouldn't want to see someone they are interested in as often as possible?

but here's the deal, put aside all the wrestling i do with myself, this is the type of man i'm attracted to.  when i look back at the fellas i've shown interest in they are all career focused individuals with very little spare time.  yes i am the architect of my own anxiety.

to my beautiful, caring, and amazing friends,

i love you.  thank you for always looking out for me.  please continue to scrutinize any potential love interest as you know that we as humans are naturally blind in our own worlds.  ask me the hard questions, make me think, challenge my sanity, but remember that i love the man with ambition and drive. 

yours forever,
flo

thigh gap...

thigh gap, thigh gap, thigh gap

what is the big deal?

if you use pinterest, type "thigh gap" into the search bar.  a whole slew of exercises pull up.  in addition there is photo after photo of extremely thin women with no muscle tone, kind of like this...

but they have the thigh gap.  just look at the beautiful void between her thighs.  come on, where in the world do these crazy obsessions come from?

maybe i am just jealous because my physical make up leaves it nearly impossible for me to obtain a thigh gap.  i am knock kneed.  when i stand with my feet together my legs look like they have been zippered closed.  i don't have a calf gap, a just above the knee gap, let alone a thigh gap.  however i do have muscles and even some cellulite.  gasp!  i am 37 it was bound to happen.

as most of you know i am not totally comfortable with the top of my legs.  i will admit that i stand in front of the mirror, reach around and pull the top of my thighs back to get rid of the extra fat and skin that resides there.  i will also admit that i like the way it looks.  during the time i am staring at the thighs i wish i had my mind skips to the tight-skirt-in-the-summer-with-no-hosiery-days thinking, "man it would be nice to not have my sweaty thighs sticking together, if only..."  keep dreaming flo it's never going to happen.

so here's the deal, i have no idea why women are obsessed with the thigh gap.  every man i have ever talked to or been with seems to prefer a woman with a little extra meat to their frame and honestly i don't blame them who wants to roll around in the sack with a skeleton?  besides if you just spread your legs a little, or a lot, you will have achieved that elusive thigh gap without the rigors of exercises that won't ever change your bone structure.

i will leave you this picture

which look do you prefer?

 



cardinal mistake...

here is an excerpt from a text conversation last week....

if you had any questions about where this is going, i'm sure you don't now.  how does a girl who has an esthetician in the family do something so stupid?  that is easy.  your name is flo, you are often times impulsive and don't think things through and you think you can do anything. 

it's a thursday night.  i have plans of seeing a man (the same man i've referred to in the past week, i really like him) in the next couple of days.  i haven't been keeping up on the grooming.  i don't have time to go see my sis.  the next logical step is to attempt this at home.

in case you are thinking of doing this, DON'T!  this is the worst idea you could ever, EVER have.  coloring your hair at home, not a great idea but one hundred times better.  waxing yourself, specifically the nether regions, is right up there on the stupid idea scale as piercing your own nipples, giving yourself a tattoo, and fixing your own ingrown toenails.  all of these things are better left to trained professionals. 

anyway, i jetted off to the store to get my supplies.  i should've picked up a liter of sinfire to aid in my courage but i forgot that step.  surprisingly enough there are many different brands and types of home waxing kits.  there are pre-gummed strips (kinda like ready to go wallpaper), a wax that you heat, slap on, put a strip of some material over it, smooth it out and rip it off, then there is a kind that you heat up, slap on and pull off before it hardens. i opted for the latter version because it seemed most like what my sister uses. 

back home

many of you know that i am rule follower, so it should be no surprise that i read the directions and followed them precisely.  however my experience was NOTHING like the promise that came on the multifolded directions in English, Spanish and French.

step one: heat the product in the convenient little pot it comes in until it is the consistency of honey.  sounds easy enough.  so i start heating.  i can see the hardened wax start to break down into a liquidy state.  it doesn't say if you want it the consistency of easy to pour honey or when it starts to solidify, but i'm using my noggin (sort of) and go for pourable.

step two: use the provided paddle shaped stick, get a fairly large amount and spread (like peanut butter on toast) to the area of your body you would like the hair to be removed.  there is a specification to which direction, at the moment i am forgetting, but i read it several times to make sure i was spreading the correct way.  so i twist up a glob onto my paddle, just like my sis does when she waxes my eyebrows thinking see i knew i could do this,  and apply. 

holy hot!

 

mistake number one:  i did not check the temperature of the wax.  in my head i'm thinking, if i can't convince myself to pull the wax i have probably just burnt it off, either way this is a win, right?  heck no.  that wax was freaking hot and i just touched my delicate skin with it.  a small voice inside my head said are you sure this is a good idea?  just like the devil and the angel on either shoulder i ignored the angel of reason and plunged ahead with the devil.  i let it cool down just a bit, slather on one side of my bikini line, reload the paddle and apply to the other side.  my reasoning go big or go home.

 

step three: before the wax hardens peel up a little corner.  instead of having a strip to hold on to, you use the edge of the wax.  so i've applied to both sides of my bikini line, put the paddle down (careful not to get wax anywhere else) and return to the area to peel up a little corner.  i quickly realize i have a problem.  the left side isn't peeling up at all, it is like i have stuck super glue to my skin.  in a slight panic i quickly try the right side and to my horror i find the same thing. 

 

mistake number two and three:  working in too big of an area at one time and not using enough wax.  in the small print, misleadingly printed in some pretty swirly font that makes you think of dessert, it says something about when you don't use enough wax it hardens too quickly becoming brittle and difficult to remove. well great!  i look down, i'm starting to sweat and wonder what i am supposed to do now?

 

calling my sister was the first thing that came to mind, but i was too embarrassed to tell her what i had just done.  i thought to apply more wax, since i hadn't used enough the first time.  now i have double thick layer on the left side and a single layer on the right. i attempted to rip the left and a small piece about the size of pea gravel came off.  oh crap!  oh crap!  oh crap!  this is not looking good.

 

there is something that happens internally when you are inflicting immense pain on yourself.  for those of you who have never done this, let me just fill you in.  you stop.  now it may be different in a life or death situation, but every time i went to pull the wax i froze.  i couldn't cause myself the pain.  this is where the sinfire would've come in handy.  get sloppy drunk and rip away. 

 

when i got done with the left side, one pea gravel size rip at a time, i sent the above text message to sarah.  i was relieved that she was going to "fix" me the next day, but i still had one more side to go.  if you've ever had a housekeeper you might understand why i continued.  i have had a housekeeper in the past and the night before i knew she was coming i went through the house picking and cleaning up.  i didn't want to her to see how messy we really were.  i wanted her to think i just couldn't get to the deep cleaning.  following the housekeeper theory it only makes sense that i had to remove the wax from the other side, i didn't want her to see my poor spreading job.  okay maybe that isn't quite the same, but at the time it made sense in my head.

 

after about an hour of chipping away this stupid wax, i was done.  i was left with an area of my body that looked like it was having chemo therapy and my hair was falling out.  a patchy mess.  this is not the image i'm wanting the man i'm seeing to be left with. 

 

the expectations of being a woman in the dating world is dreadful. i have talked about this before, we seem to be in the middle of a trend of removing all of our naturally growing body hair.  i see absolutely no problem with trimming it up, because really who wants to be down in that area when your brain is trying to decide if you are flossing or enjoying yourself, but forcefully and savagely ripping the hair out of my body is extremely unpleasant and only something i will endure when involved with someone.  i see no good reason to forgo that pain for just me.

 

thankfully the next day i got my "situation" taken care of.  i have learned a valuable lesson, one i hope you have learned as well. 

  

feeling dirty...

it never fails i get all dolled up for the day, i've put my face on, my hair is coiffed, my clothes are fitting perfect, i'm ready to walk out the door for the day and it hits.  a rumble.  the sometimes shooting pain that doubles me over and brings me back to those moments in the hospital when my legs were in stirrups and i was pushing a 6 pound human out of my hoo-ha.  the commotion stops me in my tracks.  i spend the next few seconds, which seem like minutes, in utter silence trying to decipher the message my body is sending me; fart or assplosion?

the passage of smelly odors isn't too bad.  for a moment you might be engulfed in a cloud, but it dissipates or you just walk away.  an assplosion is a whole other story.

the assplosion leaves me feeling dirty.  dirty enough that i want to take another shower, but i don't have time for that.  dirty enough to change my clothes, but i don't have time for that either.  dirty enough that the minty flavor in my mouth, the citrusy smell on my hands (from the hand soap), and spritz of hairspray does not mask the dirtiness down under. 

before going any further i should mention that i am not really dirty, i just feel dirty.  there seems to be no amount of wiping that will cure the dirty feeling.  maybe this is why bidets were invented?  this is a device i haven't tried before but maybe i should?

why in the world does this happen when i am ready to leave the house?  why can't it happen before i get in the shower?  it might be a cruel joke to take me down a notch and remind me that every day is an uphill climb.  or i could be over thinking and it is just coincidence.  nonetheless the timing is less than ideal.  my super awesome morning is quickly altered and i'm left feeling less than fresh.

anyway, that's all i've got for today.  hope your day is fresh.