bad boys...

seems like men say "women like a bad boy" or "good guys always finish last".  i have always thought that was hogwash.  what woman wants to be treated badly?  well, i am learning as i get older and expose myself to different types of men that my idea of a bad boy is not as clear cut as i thought.

the type of man i am wanting in my life and the type of man i typically fall for seem to be different.  what?  could i possibly be a statistic in the bad boy cliche?  yes, i think i am.  i have this image of how i feel i should be treated, but that isn't the man who usually catches my eye.  how could i not have seen this before?

the bad boy in my head is covered in tattoos, smokes, chooses to be bald, rides a motorcycle with combat boots.  he lives on the fringe of the law, runs with an unsavory crowd, and believes that a womans main purpose is to serve men.  this man is abusive in all the forms that we typically think of; physically, emotionally, and sexually taking what he needs from the woman in his life.

i understand that i am pigeon holing a group of men based on appearance.  however i think we place a ton of value on what we "see".  first impressions are huge and if you appear to be a thug my brain places you in that category.  in my head i'm thinking, "well of course i don't fall for that guy, i'm a straight laced, rule following, midwest girl."

what my bad boy really looks like is a far cry from an outlaw.  he is well spoken, smart and current on what's happening in the world, but lacks the ability to be candid and open.  he is extremely self sufficient, driven, and ambitious because he has only had to care and think about himself.  he is passionate and sensual but only when it fits into his plans.  my bad boy is an artistic free spirit who resides on the edge of society unwilling to conform to the norm and i love that about him.

in my past relationships i have chosen this type of man.  although his packaging has been different, his underlying being is the same.  this man keeps my attention like a carrot on a string.  he gives just enough to keep me interested, but never the whole thing.  in the end i find myself frustrated, unsatisfied and less confident in myself.

lets switch gears.  what happens when i meet the nice guy?  you know that man i say i want but never go for?  i can tell you what i do.  i get scared.  i am out of my comfort zone.  the feeling, attention and consistency is foreign and overwhelming.  i don't trust my feelings and start to withdraw.  i suppose my thinking is i will bow out before the other shoe drops and he sees what a mess i am.

so what now?  well, with all things, recognition is the first step to correction.  in my heart i know what is best for me.  shushing my extremely loud conscience and allowing the courting to happen is challenging, but i have a feeling that it is worth it.