stopping...

i lay in my bed surrounded by darkness.  a single tear carves a shiny trail down my face.  i quickly say a prayer for peace and strength, patience and forgiveness and wait.  waiting for what i am not all together sure.  answers, a respite from my head, epiphanies, maybe direction.  like i said, i'm not really sure, but i wait nonetheless.

i took my kids on a hike the other day.  just the three of us.  we loaded our day packs with the proper provisions and set out on an adventure.  ash wanted to walk on every fallen log he laid his eyes on.  P joined her brother many times but was just as content holding my hand and waiting for her bro to finish his log walking.  our one mile assent took almost an hour.  we looked at every little thing, listened to the mountain streams and birds, felt the sun beating down on our bodies, swatted at the pesky flies, smelled the flowers, and sang songs.  once we reached our destination, we found a quiet spot, ate our lunches, explored for a bit and then began our descent.  P commented on how everything looked different coming down than it did going up almost like we were in a different forest.

i am sitting here in the dark with just the glow of my screen before me, my house is completely quiet expect for the tapping of the keys, and the only other sound i hear is an occasional car driving by.  P's words are resonating with me in a different way.  at the time when she said the forest looked different, i was just thinking of the actual trees.  but tonight it seems more like an answer.  i have been approaching my current dilemma head on and maybe i just need to turn around to see the situation in a different way.

i've been having some pretty serious internal dialogue happening lately.  i am my own worst enemy when i am trying to figure something out.  i over analyze, over think, over everything to the point that it impacts me physically.  in the past week or so i've hardly slept, i know i fall asleep at some point because i wake up in the morning.  i've hardly eaten, the thought of food is revolting and the little i have eaten i have thrown it back up.  not on purpose. no worries i don't have an eating disorder, i just don't deal with stress well.  but here is the kicker this stress, this stress that has caused me to lose sleep, four pounds, a continual knot in my stomach and anxiety that i can't get rid of i am perpetuating.  it started simply enough and with good reason, but i have morphed it into a giant problem.  in my desperation to understand, to fix and resolve the problem i am creating a bigger problem.  i simply need to shut up.  stop talking. stop thinking. just stop. stop, stop, stop! this sounds simple enough, right?  of course it does.

i keep telling myself that this is going to take time, so why am i trying to fix it yesterday?  i say i am not in a hurry to get married again, so why am i rushing for the nearest altar?  i feel like i am pretty good at going with the flow, so why am i freaking out because things are slowing down?  Lord almighty why do i do this to myself?

so here we go, i'm turning around, taking a deep breath and stopping.  will it work?  i don't know if i can "fix" things but i do know that regaining some sort of sanity instead of spinning like a top will be healthier for me.