do i fight? do i give up? do i simply sit back and wait? i have no idea. every minute i am feeling something different. one minute the future seems so bleak i feel like the best thing would be to just concede before we end up disliking each other. the next i feel like we can overcome anything if we want to. and then i think, well this isn't about me, i've been clear on my intentions and i will wait. am i a fool in love? no question about it.
give me a little time. all i need is some more time. this seemingly benign phrase instantly puts me on edge and makes me analyze every interaction. i have been the receiver of a variation of this phrase many times. i often times i try put my own needs aside to allow the time, always hopeful that it will bring the result i am hoping for. to date, it hasn't worked at all, i am left wondering i did what you asked, what happened?
i did this in my marriage. time, time, time that was supposed to be the magic solution. but 10 years went by, i became just a shell of my real self and nothing changed. instead of time being the solution it became the enemy. with every passing minute, day, week, month, year our problems grew. my ex and i couldn't see each other for the people we used to be. we couldn't even see each other for who we wanted the other to be. nothing good came from giving him time.
then came J. you all know the J story. i had very strong feelings for him, was sympathetic to his situation and wanted to be the person who allowed him to figure it out without any pressure from me. well i didn't last very long. although some of you may say i lasted too long, i couldn't do it. J's request for time came in the form of weather the storm oh how i love a poetic play on words. yes i was a complete sucker for his words. anyway, in the end J's request for time came with no end, i am probably supposed to still be waiting.
i am now faced with a request for time again. this is how i interpret give me time; i am going to pull back and figure things out for me, but in the meantime i need you to continue to be you, profess your love, tell me how much i mean to you and continue an intimate relationship with me, but i am going to give you nothing in return. you simply have to be patient and wait. ummmm......in my eyes this is a monumental request.
so here is what i know about myself, i don't know how to give someone time and remain me. bubbly, quirky, happy me. when i am faced with this request i turn into desperate, always crying, needing a straight jacket me. no one likes that me including me. at the root of it, i am not in control. i am not a control freak, but when something is completely out of my hands and i know there isn't anything i can say or do because the issue has absolutely nothing to do with me, well i feel helpless.
at the beginning and end of each day i have no idea which direction to go. whichever way i choose comes with positives and negatives. i suppose since i don't know what to do i am not ready to pick a direction. i have a feeling i may be hanging out in the unknown for awhile...sigh.
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