just me...

i am wanting to tell my story. 

two years ago i turned my life upside down.  i was terrified of what was to come and how i was going to make it.  here i was a 33 year old woman with two kids and a cat.  i was leaving my gorgeous 3200 sq. ft. custom built rambler with $300.00 in my pocket and no job.  i loaded my 4Runner with everything i could fit in it and headed to my refuge for the next year, mom's house.  thank heavens for family. 

this isn't how my story starts.  during the first couple of months after i left my life i started writing.  i had this need to remind myself of why i seeking a divorce.  it didn't take too long and i had scribbled out about 60 pages of my married life.  i had to stop writing because it was just so sad.  i was ashamed, embarrassed and in awe of who i had become.  throughout the divorce process i frequently reviewed my words, cried, and then trudged forward.

even this isn't how my story starts.  i suppose to get a good idea of who i am i have to start from the beginning.  i was born april 11, 1976 in a navy hospital in illinois.  i am the first of two children born to michael and lynda.  when i was four we moved from the midwest to washington where i have been ever since.

wait maybe this goes back too far.  see, this is hard.  i suppose it is because i am not sure exactly what part of my story i want to share.  or exactly what type of format i would like it to be in.  or when it's all said and done will i ever be brave enough to actually share it with someone else. 

maybe someday you will pick up a story about a vibrant young woman who loses herself in motherhood and marriage.  somehow finds a narrow crack to escape the entrapment of her life and rediscovers her true self.  this story has been told many times over and really who am i to think that anyone even cares? 

maybe someday....

stopping...

i lay in my bed surrounded by darkness.  a single tear carves a shiny trail down my face.  i quickly say a prayer for peace and strength, patience and forgiveness and wait.  waiting for what i am not all together sure.  answers, a respite from my head, epiphanies, maybe direction.  like i said, i'm not really sure, but i wait nonetheless.

i took my kids on a hike the other day.  just the three of us.  we loaded our day packs with the proper provisions and set out on an adventure.  ash wanted to walk on every fallen log he laid his eyes on.  P joined her brother many times but was just as content holding my hand and waiting for her bro to finish his log walking.  our one mile assent took almost an hour.  we looked at every little thing, listened to the mountain streams and birds, felt the sun beating down on our bodies, swatted at the pesky flies, smelled the flowers, and sang songs.  once we reached our destination, we found a quiet spot, ate our lunches, explored for a bit and then began our descent.  P commented on how everything looked different coming down than it did going up almost like we were in a different forest.

i am sitting here in the dark with just the glow of my screen before me, my house is completely quiet expect for the tapping of the keys, and the only other sound i hear is an occasional car driving by.  P's words are resonating with me in a different way.  at the time when she said the forest looked different, i was just thinking of the actual trees.  but tonight it seems more like an answer.  i have been approaching my current dilemma head on and maybe i just need to turn around to see the situation in a different way.

i've been having some pretty serious internal dialogue happening lately.  i am my own worst enemy when i am trying to figure something out.  i over analyze, over think, over everything to the point that it impacts me physically.  in the past week or so i've hardly slept, i know i fall asleep at some point because i wake up in the morning.  i've hardly eaten, the thought of food is revolting and the little i have eaten i have thrown it back up.  not on purpose. no worries i don't have an eating disorder, i just don't deal with stress well.  but here is the kicker this stress, this stress that has caused me to lose sleep, four pounds, a continual knot in my stomach and anxiety that i can't get rid of i am perpetuating.  it started simply enough and with good reason, but i have morphed it into a giant problem.  in my desperation to understand, to fix and resolve the problem i am creating a bigger problem.  i simply need to shut up.  stop talking. stop thinking. just stop. stop, stop, stop! this sounds simple enough, right?  of course it does.

i keep telling myself that this is going to take time, so why am i trying to fix it yesterday?  i say i am not in a hurry to get married again, so why am i rushing for the nearest altar?  i feel like i am pretty good at going with the flow, so why am i freaking out because things are slowing down?  Lord almighty why do i do this to myself?

so here we go, i'm turning around, taking a deep breath and stopping.  will it work?  i don't know if i can "fix" things but i do know that regaining some sort of sanity instead of spinning like a top will be healthier for me.  

measuring my belief in God...

i don't know my books of the bible.  i can't recall bible verses.  i don't go to church every sunday.  i can't tell you the difference between prophets and disciples.  often times i read a verse and haven't a clue of how it is relevant to my life today.  there are times when i am reading a bible story to my kids and think to myself this seems so outrageous how can it be real?  am i less of a believer than someone who knows all these things? 

i don't have a bumper sticker on my car declaring my faith.  i don't have any article of clothing that proclaims my devotion.  i received a cross necklace when i was confirmed, but i rarely wear it, not because i am embarrassed or ashamed, i just don't wear jewelry like that on a regular basis.  is my place in heaven less secure than someone who displays their love for God freely? 

i think that there are two types of believers; the one who is private but steadfast in their faith and then the one that has to show those around them that they are a believer.  i don't believe that God cares how we go about worshiping Him, but i've got to wonder if he chuckles or hides his face in his hands at those who are so loud?  Probably not, because there isn't another who is as accepting.

so i am the first type.  i'm not concerned with how, why, when or who you choose to share God with, but i do care when you tell me how i should.  my relationship is private, it is between me and God and no one else.  i don't feel i have to prove my faithfulness to anyone to know God. 

there have been times when the "louder believer" has said something to me where i immediately feel like i am in a southern baptist church and need to shout, "Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!"  although i have never said this, it definitely runs through my mind and i have a mental chuckle about it. 

the most faithful person i know has never said, "you should pray about it" although i am pretty sure she thinks it.  she hasn't ever chastised me when i am missing from our pew on sunday.  she always answers my stupid questions about religion without laughing at me and encourages growth without shoving it down my throat.  oh how i appreciate her.

for some reason i want to recite the Apostle's Creed.  i'm not acutally going to tap it out, but in case you were wondering i did say it in my head.   is there a right or wrong way?  i don't think so.  i am pretty sure that when i finally make my way to heaven, yes i am going and boy i hope i've got many more years on this earth with the ones i love, there isn't going to be a measuring stick with least faithful to most faithful.  i am comfortable with my relationship with God and i am pretty positive He knows me.

at the intersection of uncertainty...

do i fight? do i give up?  do i simply sit back and wait?  i have no idea. every minute i am feeling something different.  one minute the future seems so bleak i feel like the best thing would be to just concede before we end up disliking each other.  the next i feel like we can overcome anything if we want to.  and then i think, well this isn't about me, i've been clear on my intentions and i will wait.  am i a fool in love?  no question about it. 

give me a little time.  all i need is some more time.  this seemingly benign phrase instantly puts me on edge and makes me analyze every interaction.   i have been the receiver of a variation of this phrase many times.  i often times i try put my own needs aside to allow the time, always hopeful that it will bring the result i am hoping for.  to date, it hasn't worked at all, i am left wondering i did what you asked, what happened?   

i did this in my marriage.  time, time, time that was supposed to be the magic solution.  but 10 years went by, i became just a shell of my real self and nothing changed.  instead of time being the solution it became the enemy.  with every passing minute, day, week, month, year our problems grew.  my ex and i couldn't see each other for the people we used to be.  we couldn't even see each other for who we wanted the other to be.  nothing good came from giving him time.

then came J.  you all know the J story.  i had very strong feelings for him, was sympathetic to his situation and wanted to be the person who allowed him to figure it out without any pressure from me.  well i didn't last very long.  although some of you may say i lasted too long, i couldn't do it.  J's request for time came in the form of weather the storm oh how i love a poetic play on words.  yes i was a complete sucker for his words.  anyway, in the end J's request for time came with no end, i am probably supposed to still be waiting. 

i am now faced with a request for time again.  this is how i interpret give me time; i am going to pull back and figure things out for me, but in the meantime i need you to continue to be you, profess your love, tell me how much i mean to you and continue an intimate relationship with me, but i am going to give you nothing in return.  you simply have to be patient and wait.   ummmm......in my eyes this is a monumental request.

so here is what i know about myself, i don't know how to give someone time and remain me.  bubbly, quirky, happy me.  when i am faced with this request i turn into desperate, always crying, needing a straight jacket me.  no one likes that me including me. at the root of it, i am not in control.  i am not a control freak, but when something is completely out of my hands and i know there isn't anything i can say or do because the issue has absolutely nothing to do with me, well i feel helpless. 

at the beginning and end of each day i have no idea which direction to go.  whichever way i choose comes with positives and negatives.  i suppose since i don't know what to do i am not ready to pick a direction.  i have a feeling i may be hanging out in the unknown for awhile...sigh.

a test of faith....

often times we are tested; in our jobs, our relationships, our parenting, and in our faith.  how we deal with these situations is something commonly called character.  a display of who we are at the core of our existence, something that is typically shrouded behind the distraction of the fanciful costumes we adorn ourselves in.  i am in the midst of a test.  this isn't the first time and i know it won't be the last, but i want to drop to my knees, throw my hands up to heaven and shout, "i've had enough tests, can't it just be smooth sailing for awhile?"  

as quickly as i am tearing down my walls to freely and deeply love, others are being erected.  uncertainty and a protective instinct are taking over creating an obstacle that at this point i don't see how to navigate.  from my vantage point i am small and insignificant standing in front of an endless shear wall void of any toeholds.

the odds are stacked against us.  research shows that second unions have a greater chance of failing than first unions do.  the failure rate goes up exponentially when children are part of the equation.  i look at everything that matt and i have gone through thus far and see that we are still together, still communicating, and still problem solving.  i don't think this is a coincidence.  i truly believe that God brought us together.  that He has put obstacles in our way to strengthen our love and our faith.  i do wonder though how many more obstacles can our new relationship survive? 

i read this message this morning: to love is to be vulnerable. love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. you either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down. 

where's my noose?

dramatic title?  absolutely.  why?  i am seriously at the end of my rope with my daughter.  who is the noose for?  not really sure yet, but i am not sure how much more of her i can take.  just a recap on my daughter.  she was born a week late, two days before Christmas, with a head full of curly dark hair.  she is precocious, has a vocabulary beyond her years, and is already exhibiting the will of a teenager.  the kicker, she is 9. 

the past two years have been really difficult.  her world turned upside down and she is pissed.  i can understand a transition period, but two years?  give me a break.  seeing as how i have been through this same scenario as a young person, i am trying to be sympathetic to her, but i don't ever recall being such a handful.  throughout every life changing event in my youth i knew for positive that my parents loved me and that they were my guides.

so i am faced with this sassafras nine year old little girl.  she talks back, she always tries to have the last word, she argues for the sake of arguing, she hates being told no, she doesn't take direction, she believes at the ripe old age of nine that she is far wiser than i and should be able to make her own decisions about everything.  all of this and she hasn't even started her period yet.  Lord help me when all those hormones kick in.

all i know is to be consistent.  i call her out on her behavior every time it rears its ugly head and give her the chance to make a better choice.  every night i go to bed praying for the strength and wisdom to guide her in a positive direction.  every day i wake up with a fresh outlook.  unfortunately i think we have fallen into a rut of disagreement.  she is trying desperately to assert herself and make her voice heard and although i don't want to squash that determination in her, there is a way to express yourself without being hurtful and disrespectful to others. 

crab cakes....

blending a family.  this phrase sounds like a wonderfully pleasant endeavor.  almost as if you are creating a new soup.  you grab a handful of wonderful aromatic ingredients, stir them all together in a stock pot, simmer and meld the flavors, ending with the perfect blend of flavor, texture and visual appearance.  somehow blending a family isn't quite as romantic.  it is more like being put in your cuisinart shredded into a million tiny pieces and mushing them all together to form a crab cake.

throughout my lifetime i have been through the blending of a family.  up until now i have always been a kid in the equation.  being a kid you are faced with new parent figures, possibly new siblings, new rules, new expectations, maybe a new house.  there are so many new things it can be overwhelming.  as a child you hope that your old parent and your new parent have a good plan in place so all you have to do is just exist in your new environment.  being the parent and partner is a much harder gig than being the kid.

my singluar relationship with matt isn't difficult.  when it is just the two of us, it is fun, passionate and spontaneous.  when you add four kids to the mix the dynamic changes, we are no longer two people falling in love, we are parents.  maybe this shouldn't really change things, but this is still very new and both of us have an obligation to our children to put their needs first, to protect them and to help them understand and cope with this new situation. 

our hurdles are not specific to blended families.  i think all families experience some of the same issues based solely on the fact that the parents come from different backgrounds.   the difference with blending a family is that you don't have the luxury of figuring it out together from the get go, each party comes in with established methods.  not only do we have our different backgrounds and methods but we also have to contend with the original parents. 

i haven't been under the impression that this was going to be all sunshines and rainbows but i've got to admit that this is difficult.  sometimes it seems like an impossible feat.  how much do you invest if there are no guarantees that the whole (all six of us) is going to work?  i am one hundred percent confident that matt and i will work long term, and i am sure that each of us would do great with each other's kids, the unknown is the kids together.  

i am finding it hard to not take things personally, to look at the big picture instead of the snapshot that i am in, and trust in my partner that we are working on a common goal.  i definitely bring some insecurity baggage with me.  being in such a dysfunctional marriage for so many years takes it toll on one's confidence.  thankfully matt is a trooper and is reassuring, supportive and loving when dealing with me.  i believe that if matt and i can stay strong in our commitment to each other and our changing family then the rest will eventually fall into place.