libido, ignited...

there are some serious benefits to being single; you don't have to check in with anyone, you have the whole bed to yourself, you can hang out with girlfriends whenever, you can be a slob if you want, you can eat ice cream for dinner instead of having to make a 5 course meal.  you can rent endless romantic comedies, you can wear your granny panties all weekend and you can fart (you know that shit hurts when you hold it in).

however, there are some serious downfalls to being single; you go on adventures alone, you have to watch scary movies by yourself, you have to always take the trash out, you are frequently the third wheel amongst your married friends, you have to answer the question, "are you dating anyone?" and then listen to yourself spew a bunch of crap on why you aren't dating anyone, you have to kill spiders by yourself and of course the biggest downfall of all there is zippo passion.

the married folks are probably rolling their eyes, "here she goes again crying like a baby about being alone".  trust me, i know that after awhile all that fizzles and you have to work really hard to keep the passion alive, but you married folk have a better chance of revival than i do starting from scratch. 

moving on...

most of the single gig i can tolerate just fine.  so i miss out on a few scary movies, i'm sure they weren't "must sees".  i have to take the garbage out all by myself, no biggie sometimes it is a challenge to schlep the trash out and can constitute as an upper body workout.  spiders, most of them don't bother me at all, but the big ones do and i just pretend that i don't see them.  and in all honesty the libido falls to wayside after a period of time, but what happens when the flame has been ignited?

it is funny how when that part of you is dormant you don't really notice it.  you go through day after day just doing.  however, when someone ignites that flame the feeling consumes your thoughts, makes you desire things you knew you were missing but ignored, and turns you into a bitch in heat.  okay maybe that last bit was a little extreme, but i couldn't help myself.

why is this coming up? 

last week i shared with you that i met a man that captivated me.  i'm still captivated.  it is still very premature, but i am enjoying getting to know him.  do you want to know a little secret?  of course you do.  this is the type of man that after the initial zing wears off i could really like.  he is just a really cool, stand up guy.  so i am a little jazzed and getting off on the excitement of it all. (wink)

half double crochet...

i woke up monday with the weight of failure heavy on my shoulders.  i knew what it was stemming from but i am still surprised that this day still has a grip on me.  it would have been my thirteenth wedding anniversary.  unlucky number 13. 

i have officially been divorced three years.  i am happy to report that the grip is loosening.  the first year that my wedding anniversary passed i was kind of a wreck.  well actually a lot a wreck. true to form i memorialized my feelings that first year.  although i still feel like a failure, especially on that day, i never shed a tear or really sat back to examine my feelings.

i'm not sure how many of you are knitters or crocheters, but my life, and probably any human who has started something that didn't quite turn out and had to switch gears, can relate to what i am about to describe.

yarning a blanket, a sweater, a cap, booties, what have you, requires that you follow a pattern.  you must gather all the required materials; correct size needles/hooks, the correct weight of yarn and the correct amount plus extra in case you make a mistake, the pattern, some patience and oodles of time.  once you gather everything you sit down and start yarning, deciphering the creators pattern, and watching it come to life.  sometimes you get stuck, and if you are me, you put it down, walk away and try again later.  sometimes you make mistakes and have to rip out what you just yarned and try again until you get it correct.  and then sometimes you feel like you are creating a masterpiece only to be unsatisfied with what you've created and unravel the whole thing, rewind the yarn, and save it for a different project.

this is how i feel about the progression of my adult life.  i spent a great deal of time crafting what I hoped would be a masterpiece, making mistakes and having to try again, only to be unsatisfied with what i was creating.  after deciding to switch gears, i spent that first year unraveling my life into a ginormous pile of tangled yarn heaped on the ground.  the next year i carefully untangled and rewound that pile into a manageable ball.  and this year i am creating something new.  there is bound to be mistakes because i have misread the directions and i will need to try again, but i am in the process of creating something beautiful.

so, my marriage may not have been successful and the significance of my wedding day will probably always be shrouded with a feeling of failure, but if i can stay focused on this new creation instead of being frustrated with the mistake, good things are bound to emerge.

hung up...

have you ever walked past a door knob too closely, the pocket of your sweatshirt catches the knob but you keep walking because you didn't realize it?  you know what happens next, you are stuck, hung up, then yanked backwards toward the door knob.  at this point you might look around to see if anyone saw you be a complete tard, quickly unhook yourself and keep walking like nothing happened.  this actually happens to me more than i would like to admit. 

hang tight this is actually going somewhere.

i have this guy friend.  he lives in my town, is very good looking (just the type of guy who catches my attention), and on paper he has everything a single gal like myself would be interested in.  there is a small problem, no he's not gay, he is hung up on the gal he used to date.  which basically makes him unavailable, unapproachable and unattainable to date, for anyone.

i have another guy friend, who lives out of state, and i completely adore him.  there are very few people, male or female, who i share all the dusty corners of me with, but he is one of those people. so what's the deal?  besides the fact that he is a gazillion miles away, he is also hung up on a gal he used to date.

do you see the recurring theme here?

if you are a frequent reader, you will know that i too have had a man that i am hung up on.  i recently shared my thoughts about him.  my feelings have left me in the same place as my two guy friends, but unlike my guy friends who choose not to date because it is still too raw, i have dabbled on and off attempting to replace him.  i understand that this isn't really fair to the men i've met, but i keep thinking that maybe there is someone out there who is so remarkable that i won't even think about him. 

so.....

i recently met a man who may just be the ticket.  we spent several hours together, even going to a place that my "hang up" and i went to frequently, and my mind didn't wander from the man sitting across from me.  he completely captivated me. could this be a break through?  possibly.  only time will tell.  for now i am happy with my small step forward.

your voice...

today i heard your voice.

the last time i heard your voice it was soft and tender with an undertone of "i'm sorry".  i didn't know that when we last spoke it was going to be the last time.  my memory of that conversation is fresh and heavy this evening.  the undertone seems to have taken center stage as i replay that conversation more so than it did at the time it was actually spoken.

today i heard your voice. 

i was cleaning up my voicemail because i got a message that said my mail box was full.  for those who know me well you may chuckle a bit at this.  i am horrible about answering my phone when it rings and i'm even worse at returning phone calls.  to have a full mail box didn't surprise me, but the chore of cleaning up the messages was daunting.

today i heard your voice.

 

in a voicemail, about nothing significant, there was your voice.  the familiar tone and cadence filled the space around me.  it was just as i remembered it.  tears crested the brim of my lids while i listened to you and for a moment i was back in that day.  i couldn't bring myself to delete the message.  at this point it is the only thing i have.

 

today i heard your voice through the silence.





salty air...

i'm assuming all parents do this, but i have this incessant need to share some of my favorite memories with my kids.  recreating that feeling and memory and hopefully my kids will feel it too.  one of my favorite places i remember going as a kid was to mukilteo beach.  both my mom and my dad took me here.  if i was going to make a list, you know how much i love lists, of my mukilteo beach memories it would look like this:

kites

trains

walking on the logs

crabs

throwing rocks

salty air

 

 

a few times a year i bring my kids here.  it isn't the most convenient beach to get to from where i live, but creating memories isn't about convenience.  last weekend, the weather was being its normal schizophrenic self and couldn't decide if it wanted to downpour, be cloudy or sunshiny.  we had spent the day cooped up and my ratchets were getting really restless so i said, "dress for outside and water."  and off we went.

 

we happened to catch a break in the weather, meaning no rain, and walked all the logs from one end to the other.  there were no kites due to the previous rain showers, however a train went by, we waved at the conductor and counted the cars.  it was low tide when we got there, so we spent some time flipping over rocks and watching the crabs scurry away. 

i took one brief moment to close my eyes, lift my face to the sky and fill my lungs with the salty air.  my ratchets saw and gave me a scrunched up face look but i didn't care.  it was just how i remembered it to be.

 

 

 



hiatus...

tomorrow, friday, will be exactly seven days since i logged into facebook.  the decision to take a hiatus was actually made in haste out of anger and spite, which i may or may not get into today, but overall i haven't missed it too much.  i have decided, out of anger and spite, to shift my priorities and focus on what makes me, me.

i made myself a list the other day, when i was angry, about how to shift my focus so that i stop repeating the same cycle.

DON'T

 

text or email (a certain someone)

facebook

drink

date

 

DO

 

cook

read

exercise

be a better mom

look into going back to school

 

 

STOP DWELLING

STOP DWELLING

STOP DWELLING

 

 

is this feasible?  so far yes, although i am sort of failing in the don't text or email department.  oh stop judging i will explain. the one message i sent was out of unconditional love because i am me and i sincerely care about the person the message was sent to.  it wasn't anything personal just a "well wish" message about something i knew was happening that day.  i sent it without any expectation of getting something back.  that makes it better, right?

 

the dating and drinking piece is a cake walk.  i have six beers in my fridge that have been there for eons and i am not tempted in the least to drink them.  dating, well we all know how well i fair in that department.  at this point i am better off ditching both.

 

the exercise, cook,  and read more are fairly easy to do more of seeing as how my virtual self isn't busy.  i have been doing this 30 day squat challenge, i'm up to 155 squats which i'm sorry is just plain dumb.  my legs are saying, "hey you old bag, leave us alone!"  this time of year is really hard for me to do major cooking since we are at the soccer fields four days a week from right after school until 7:30, but i'm trying.  reading, well i do this everyday, but i do have more time to devour a couple extra books.

 

be a better mom.  this is a toughie.  i think it is hard to change how you interact with your kids.  partly because your kids aren't changing how they interact with you.  i still find myself with a short fuse when it comes to my daughter with her sharp tongue and attitude.  i would really like to lengthen my fuse with her.  a work in progress.

 

going to back to school.  this is huge and something i am serious about doing.  i am at a point where i feel comfortable with the flow of my life and feel like i can tackle something new.  it seems to make sense to plan for my future.  realizing that i can't wait for someone to enter my life and share the load has recently hit me in the face repeatedly.  so, it's time to put on my big girl panties and take control.

 

a week out and i am not angry or spiteful anymore.  i'm feeling positive about my future, not just the future, but what i am doing to better my future.  i have been the recipient of many more spontaneous hugs from my kids, they are digging the real mom time they are getting.  funny, but it seems like my "not resolution, resolution" to simplify is still in progress.  simplifying is definitely a win for me!

 



bolt or pine...

i think it is time to get down and dirty.  get into the nitty gritty. of what, you might ask?  well i will tell you, why i suck ass at being in a relationship.  it really isn't a mystery to me, although i want to claim it is.  i mean, if i know what the problem is then it should be super easy to fix, right?  wrong!  so far i haven't been able to fix it at all.

are you ready?  i bolt from the guy who is into me and pine over the one who doesn't take a second glance.  maybe you do this too?  i seriously can't be the only single woman out there that does this.  there are many things that come into play here and maybe if i put it out there, you know for everyone to see, it just might somehow change how i am going about things.  or maybe at the very least i will be a little more accountable for my actions.

we will start with bolt.  this is a very unbecoming trait of mine.  one i am not particularly proud of, but can't seem to break.  the guy who is into me terrifies me.  i simply don't trust him because clearly there is something wrong with him.  i think "what could he possibly see in me?"  i have a laundry list of things that, in my head, i deem "not attractive" in myself as a possible partner.  i don't see myself on equal playing ground, that somehow i fall short.  in a sick and twisted way i don't think i deserve, actually deserve isn't the right word, it is more that i am not that lucky to find someone who actually wants to invest time in me.  in this scenario i am the poster child for low self esteem.

then we come to pine.  this is an equally unbecoming trait of mine.  also one that i am not proud of, but haven't figured out how to shake.  when a guy seems to be interested but only wants to see me one time and never again i turn into some crazy psychiatric patient who should be wearing a straight jacket in a padded room. i think, "why doesn't he like me?  what is wrong with me?  if you just give me a chance i will prove to you that i am right."  here is what is interesting that laundry list of "not attractives" somehow becomes attractive when i am making my case.  i see myself as the best option.  in this scenario i am just a fool desperately trying to hold water in a nylon.

is this messed up or what? 

i want to believe that i struggle with relationships because i simply haven't been in the right one.  that when i am finally in the right relationship i won't bolt or pine, i will just be.  i won't have to prove myself nor will i feel antsy about the relationship, it will just feel right.  until that happens i will probably continue to have the emotional maturity of a thirteen year old girl.  so much for accountability!