today i got married....

today i got married.  like most little girls, i had dreamed of this day in my life.  looking back i wonder why i didn't pay more attention to myself.  i knew the day that i got married, that i wasn't marrying my "dream man".  we were and still are very different from each other.  i wasn't madly in love with him, but i was content.  we had been dating for almost six years, i felt like i knew what i was getting in to and it would be enough for me.

i didn't shave my legs on my wedding day.  it wasn't for lack of tools, i had my razor in hand.  i even picked up the shaving cream and put some on my hand ready to lather my leg.  i wanted to be the epitome of the perfect bride, but just as i went to apply the shaving cream my internal dialogue kicked in he won't notice if your legs are smooth or prickly.  i watched the shaving cream disappear down the drain and knew i wouldn't be the wife that is reminded of their importance or beauty, our relationship hadn't ever been that way.  i knew it wasn't going to change but i really did think that i would stay content.  so instead of walking down that aisle glowing with the smoothest most hydrated legs ever seen on a bride, i had a two day old hair forest that itched and stuck to the layers of crinoline that made up my dress.

today i would've been celebrating 11 years of marriage.  this was not a day that my ex and i celebrated jointly.  for the first 8 years of our marriage i made a point to give him a card or some sort of trinket to commemorate our marriage.  on the 9th year i completely forgot it was my anniversary.  i remember getting a text from my husband, "do you know what today is?" i replied, "yeah, the kids and i are going camping with the girls."  he said, "it's our anniversary."  i don't recall responding to his message i felt like a schmuck that i hadn't remembered, but i still went camping.

our anniversary came on the heels of the one and only family vacation we took.  this vacation was extremely eye opening on just how far apart my husband and i had become.  there was something about being removed from my comfort zone, my environment, my daily distractions that spotlighted how very little my husband and i had to share.  we didn't speak to each other much, we slept in different rooms, we spent most of our "family" vacation apart.  i can honestly say that i didn't know at this time or even on my anniversary that i was going to take that next step to change my path, my future and my happiness in one month's time.

today i am reflecting.  reflecting on my wedding, my marriage, and how the last two years have been.  i sit today with mixed emotions.  the emotions have actually taken me by surprise. obviously this day will always have some significance but will this day always be emotional for me?  i will for sure find out in the years to come.