bolt or pine...

i think it is time to get down and dirty.  get into the nitty gritty. of what, you might ask?  well i will tell you, why i suck ass at being in a relationship.  it really isn't a mystery to me, although i want to claim it is.  i mean, if i know what the problem is then it should be super easy to fix, right?  wrong!  so far i haven't been able to fix it at all.

are you ready?  i bolt from the guy who is into me and pine over the one who doesn't take a second glance.  maybe you do this too?  i seriously can't be the only single woman out there that does this.  there are many things that come into play here and maybe if i put it out there, you know for everyone to see, it just might somehow change how i am going about things.  or maybe at the very least i will be a little more accountable for my actions.

we will start with bolt.  this is a very unbecoming trait of mine.  one i am not particularly proud of, but can't seem to break.  the guy who is into me terrifies me.  i simply don't trust him because clearly there is something wrong with him.  i think "what could he possibly see in me?"  i have a laundry list of things that, in my head, i deem "not attractive" in myself as a possible partner.  i don't see myself on equal playing ground, that somehow i fall short.  in a sick and twisted way i don't think i deserve, actually deserve isn't the right word, it is more that i am not that lucky to find someone who actually wants to invest time in me.  in this scenario i am the poster child for low self esteem.

then we come to pine.  this is an equally unbecoming trait of mine.  also one that i am not proud of, but haven't figured out how to shake.  when a guy seems to be interested but only wants to see me one time and never again i turn into some crazy psychiatric patient who should be wearing a straight jacket in a padded room. i think, "why doesn't he like me?  what is wrong with me?  if you just give me a chance i will prove to you that i am right."  here is what is interesting that laundry list of "not attractives" somehow becomes attractive when i am making my case.  i see myself as the best option.  in this scenario i am just a fool desperately trying to hold water in a nylon.

is this messed up or what? 

i want to believe that i struggle with relationships because i simply haven't been in the right one.  that when i am finally in the right relationship i won't bolt or pine, i will just be.  i won't have to prove myself nor will i feel antsy about the relationship, it will just feel right.  until that happens i will probably continue to have the emotional maturity of a thirteen year old girl.  so much for accountability!