i am the architect of my own anxiety....
a wonderful friend of mine shared these words with me today. the moment my ears received the words and my brain registered the message i stopped what i was doing. literally i stopped. these words resonated so much with me that i made this my facebook status today and now i am expanding on it. it gives me goosebumps to have moments like these.
for the unfortunate men who have crossed my path and moved on they will understand exactly what i am going to talk about. i have enormous, skyscraper high, amounts of anxiety in regards to how i am perceived and where the path is going. i know where it stems from i just can't seem to control it. this is a major, i'm talking major, character flaw.
it would be fine if i had this anxiety and kept it to myself. if i did this i would only be torturing me. only carrying on the negative and ridiculous anthem in my head. not pushing myself on those around me. unfortunately i don't know how to do this. i have no idea how to keep my mouth shut. i don't know how to let it go. everything tells me that i need to state my position. here's the problem, i turn into the bat shit crazy stalker girl that everyone warns each other about. i over step the boundary. i make people uncomfortable, including myself. i cry. i panic. i create hysteria.
the skyscraper i am building is floor after floor of
you aren't enough
when i finally make it to the top of this ridiculously high skyscraper i am taxed and crashing to level g in the underground parking. i can tell you it is extremely exhausting for me and i can only imagine how insanely exhausting it is for the receiver. most of the time, well really all of the time, my behavior is inexcusable even to me.
here is the interesting part of all of this. it might only be interesting to me, but when i am in someones physical space i have no anxiety. it melts away like an ice cube. i can see that person's expressions and body language. i can hear their tone and pick up on the sarcasm. i guess you can say that i am visual and am reassured by what i am seeing. it's that whole saying actions speak louder than words. however when i am left to my own thoughts doubt starts to creep in and i tailspin.
holy man, i am a freaking disaster. no wonder i am single. lord almighty i need to get a handle on this. somewhere, somehow i need to come up with a strategy to stay cool, to not panic and remain calm. clearly i have a lot of work to do.
so to my dear friend who shared these profound words, thank you.
10 comments:
Heather? Just remember- the reason you can't "get a handle on it" is because the part of you that wants to grasp it IS the problem! Let go! Float! People only see their own projected neurosis anyways!
Ps- its Steven. Don't know why that Uni squad thing came up.
let go! float! yes sir!
Heather, I can so relate...I am working on myself also to get out of that trap and learning not to think to much and "go with the flow"...much easier said then done, of course.
Thank you for your blogs/posts! It takes courage to write what so many others are feeling. You are an amazing woman with so many other positives to offer the right person that deserves YOU. Know you are not alone and have a huge support <3
thank you rorye. i am so good with the flow when i am in it, just not alone.
Heather! I used to do this all the time! Float is right! Stop assigning yourself all this gruesome work. You'll never get it right. You will inevitably screw up. It is human nature to fail no matter how hard you try. Give up. Ask god to help you give up. Ask god to do the work for you. This is literally why god died for you. So relax. You are as god made you. Quit criticizing his fabulous work! Lemme know if you ever wanna talk. I just know you're gonna be just fine. Float! See the lillies of the field...
Aw Hopey I love you. Thanks for the virtual slap in the face, I need it sometimes! Miss you!! Need to see those babies before they graduate
Posting this means you are on the right path of getting out of your own way. You are the one that makes your path. God can't do it for you. He gave you the means and free will. You choose the path. This is the hard work. Keep it up!!! Nice job!!! I love you~Shred
Oh my, can I just send you an email? It'll become clear why I don't want to write my thoughts on this fully in comments, but my dear, I not only identify but I also think you're being way too hard on yourself! Is there an address where you can receive emails that you don't mind sharing here?
to anonymous...yes you may certainly send me an email. one because i am curious on who this is, two because i welcome all opinions, thoughts and perceptions. so my email is w11517@msn.com. can you please put something in the title that alerts me that draws my attention?
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