bacon, avocado and basil...

summertime to me means lighter food.  gone are the lasagnas, heavy cream soups, and pot roasts of the chilly months.  warmer weather means fresh, light, and healthier for you foods.  this is generally a good thing.  warmer months typically means humans are walking around in skimpier clothes, showing off parts of their bodies that they normally hide behind sweaters, scarfs, boots and pants. 

i love chilly months for this very reason.  i am not super comfortable exposing my veined legs, chicken wing triceps, stretched out extra skinned stomach, and we all know about my winter butt.  in the chilly months i can wear form fitting but completely covered up clothing with shapers galore underneath.  yes it is just a bunch of smoke and mirrors.

back to food, i love a pasta salad.  whenever my mamma friends have a gathering i am typically in charge of a pasta salad.  i like green salads too but lettuce doesn't really like me so much, so i've discovered that almost all toppings for a green salad work beautifully and most importantly deliciously over pasta.  noodles tend to soak up the flavor  of the dressings, which means you have to use a little more, but remember we are cooking fresh and light because it is warm so typically these dressings aren't cream or mayonnaise based. 

as most of you know i love to cook.  i feel most at home in my kitchen.  i adore the aroma of fresh food.  the salad i made last night contained bacon (the aroma of cooking bacon is truly one of the best smells on earth), minced garlic (the smell of garlic on my hands made my top ten things that make me happy), a chiffonade of basil (have you ever chopped fresh basil? you are missing out, this aroma is divine), fresh squeezed lemons (another deliciously strong fresh aroma), avocados (they don't really smell but they are such a beautiful vibrant green) and salt and pepper.  are you hungry yet?  i am.

are you ready for the recipe?  alright here you go.  i found this one on recipe.com. 

8 oz. pasta
2 medium avocados - coarsely chopped
6 slices bacon - cooked and crumbled
2/3 cup fresh basil - chiffonade (stack your basil leaves, roll and thinly slice)
2 TBSP lemon juice - about 1 large lemon
1 TBSP olive oil
3 cloves garlic - minced
1/2 cup romano cheese (i omitted this)
salt and pepper to taste

this recipe comes together really quick.  it is perfect for the summer because it doesn't warm up your kitchen by using all the appliances.  if you are good with a knife, the prep work is easy peasy.  the only other direction you need is to make an emulsion, whisk together really fast, the lemon juice and olive oil.  pour your "dressing" over all the other ingredients, mix and eat. 

Enjoy!

this was a first...

i feel like i've been on a dating website for E-V-E-R!!  i have had some of the weirdest interactions with complete strangers; marriage proposals, ridicule disguised at "constructive criticism", inquiries from transgender humans, intimate encounter requests from older-than-my dad men and just about anything else you can think of.  i swear these interactions wouldn't happen if i was face to face with these stellar specimens of the male gender, but as i have said before there is security in anonymity. today i am going to share my latest encounter with a complete stranger.  i have had no prior contact with this human before.

intial message:
i doubt i'm what you're looking for, i'm not the traditional single male...

i'm a 38 year old married executive at a software company.  i live and work in _______.  i'm well dressed, well spoken, polite, professional, and disease and drug free.  i'm clean cut, and groomed (manscaped - and shaved where it matters).  i'm also fixed.

to be clear, i'm not interested in changing anything at home, i love my wife and i don't intend to leave her.  i'm just looking for something new and exciting to add to my life experience.

i'm 5'10" with brown hair and eyes that change color from blue to grey to green, depending on my mood and what i'm wearing.  i can be funny and playful, or deep and serious.

at work i'm used to being in control and getting what i want, but in bed: i won't pressure anyone to do anything they don't want.  i'm a pretty low key guy.  i make friends easily.  i'm very social and i'm involved in business networking events and charity fundraising events throughout the year.

in play, i love things to be soft and slow, and i love to tease.  i like to take my time.

**there is more about how i can contact this human, but for privacy issues i will leave that part out. 

oh my goodness!  can you even believe it?  i was floored when i opened and read the message. i instantly blipped about it, which spurned a heart to heart conversation with some of my favorite blippers (keith and will).  these two fellas wanted to more about this human and asked that i respond.  i wasn't too keen on the idea, really i just wanted to delete and move on, but at their request i responded.

my message back:
so i'm curious about a couple of things.
1. does your wife know?
2. do you have an open marriage?
3. have you been successful in this approach?
4. why me?

his response back:
1. no
2. no.  we discussed the idea of an open marriage and of seeing other people a while back.  she was not interested and her words to me were "...and if you ever do, i don't want to ever know about it."
3. depends on your definition of success, suprisingly there are some people on here who aren't looking for a traditional relationship, and for whom this situation is exactly what they want.  though not all of those turn out to have any chemistry in person...etc.
4. you're cute :)

my response back:
thank you for inquiry.  i'm flattered, but you're initial instinct was correct, not really what i'm looking for.  best of luck.

so, there you go, this was a first.  for those of you who are weary about on-line dating you have good reason to be.  the on-line world is an anything goes arena, the sky is the limit.  there is something for everyone; traditional and nontraditional relationships, curious about the same sex there are those, curious about an intimate encounter with a little person, or maybe you like the heavily tatted multiple piercings human.  whatever you are looking for or curious about you can find it on any dating website. 

as for me, well i think you already know.  i've beaten this dead horse many, many times, but just in case you missed it.  i am impatiently waiting for mr. right forever.  just one man in the sea of many to share my life with.  seems like it shouldn't be that hard, but it is proving to be rather difficult.

men and capris...

capris pants

(often just called capris) are a style of trousers worn primarily by young women during the summer.

They are designed to end near the mid-calf or just below the calf.

Capri pants became popular in the United States during the 1960's, largely due to the influence of the popular television series The Dick Van Dyke Show. Laura, the young housewife played by Mary Tyler Moore, caused a fashion sensation by wearing snug-fitting Capri pants in many episodes. After a drop in popularity during the 1970's through the 1990's, Capri pants again became a dominant trend during the early 21st century. *capri definition for fashion industry from wikipedia

a very common fashion trend for women and becoming more and more popular for men.  i should first say that i think capris are a difficult fashion trend to pull off successfully.  a cropped pant creates a weird proportion on the body.  most of us are attempting to look longer and leaner through the camouflage of clothing.  what?

okay ladies, visualize with me.  let's say you want your legs to look longer than they are.  if you choose to wear one color that fits at the widest part of your leg (typically the top of the leg) and that pant skims the floor, your legs look miles long.  now if you add a pointed toe heeled shoe to that, you just visually added more length.  it is a long lean seamless look from the hip to the toe.  now imagine you take those same pants but chop them off at the calf.  visually your legs have shrunk.  add a flat and you look like you are in a hole.  put on a heel, well you've added some height and lengthened the lower part of your leg, but it still isn't ideal.

now we move on to the men.  i am not sure if this is a european trend, but i'm having a hard time accepting the capris movement in men.  there are just certain fashions that are not dual gender.  for instance dresses, can't say i have ever seen a "straight" man in a dress and thought he really pulled that off in a uber masculine way.  felt i needed to clarify "straight" because there are some transgender men who pull off women's fashion beautifully, sometimes better than the ladies.  skirts are another one, although there is an exception and that is the kilt, but even then unless you are irish this is not a common practice.  rompers, now really these should only be worn by children under 5, but never by an adult man.  hot pants or short shorts, i can't think of one exception to this, men shouldn't parade around in these, unless this a kinky thing you like and then it should just be behind closed doors in your red room.

case in point, the look above, awful.  sorry mr. kutcher, but i'm not feeling it.  at 6'2" he is not a short man, but to me he looks like a hobbit.  now this could just be the overwhelming sloppy look of the whole ensemble.  or maybe it's just that his dirt brown capris look like something frodo wore.  but i am almost positive that if he were wearing full length pants in any color or material it wouldn't look so hobbit-ish.

as for these fellas, well i am just not sure.  granted runway looks are just that, a show for our viewing pleasure.  most of the time these looks are not "ready made" looks, so it is really hard to gauge this look for the common everyday man.  i do think that if my man, if i had one, were to come out of the bathroom dressed like any of these fellas i might say is that what you are going to wear?  i am really not all the particular about the way my man dresses, again that is if i had one, but i really don't see myself linking arms or intertwining fingers with a capris sporting stud.

well ladies and gents this is clearly my own opinion.  am i guilty of the unflattering capris pants?  yes i am.  do i think they are my best look?  no i don't.  i wear them because they are comfortable.  this seems to be an overriding factor in how many americans dress...comfort.  however this is a whole other topic to be saved for another day.

gross hands...

NO way...gross hands

i was driving when i received this text and burst out laughing.  i laughed so hard i had tears in my eyes.  just for the record it is really hard to see the road and be a defensive driver when your eyes are leaking.  forget the fact that i read the text, a big no-no here in washington. 

anyway, after i laughed my sides out, wiped away my tears of joy and caught my breath, i began to wonder what in the world does that even mean?  are they big huge hands with tufts of hair on the knuckles?  or small hands with lil smokies for fingers?  or maybe really long fingers that seem to roll out when he opens his hand?  or maybe they are so calloused they don't look like hands anymore?  or maybe one is fake?  or maybe they have some weird skin disease and the palms are constantly peeling?  as you can see my mind was wondering what in the world gross hands really meant.

it turns out, it wasn't as awful as i thought.  the fella just had tiny scrawny hands.  this is only a good thing when you are looking for an obstetrician.  why?  well, when you are going to be delivering a baby you don't want a physician with giant hands, the baby is big enough.  think about it, the space we are talking about is small.  you have an infant the size of watermelon trying to get through a space that on a normal day accomdates an tangerine at best and then your doctor wants to include their hands into this space.  you see what i mean?  small hands is good for this job.

here is what i think is interesting about dating.  no matter what anybody says, it really just comes down to chemistry.  if there isn't a spark it won't matter how great the dude looks on paper it isn't going to go anywhere.  if there is no spark those small things, like gross hands, become deal breakers.  whereas, if there is a spark you would probably look past the gross hands because everything else that is being presented is great. 

when i met matt i knew instantly that i wanted to get to know him more.  in the past and even now i have never given a man with long hair a second glance, but i looked right past matt's hair (it is long enough to pull into a pony tail, that is long in my book) because everything else about him was sucking me in.  i am pretty sure that if that initial spark wasn't there i would have put him in the no column stating it was the length of his hair.  when in  reality it didn't have anything to do with his hair, there just wasn't a spark, and the hair is an excuse.

well, mr. gross hands is out and my newly dating friend is moving on to the next prospect.  i'm looking forward to more cryptic text messages that leave me wondering what does that mean?

uncomplicated love...

every night, i stop at my son's bed and smother him in hugs and kisses.  he pretends to wipe them off and i've explained that he is just rubbing them in, the kisses that is.  then i get to my daughter's bedside and repeat the same smothering.  when i am done with my daughter my son says hey i didn't get a hug.   as if, but i know he is just wanting another round of smothering. 

almost every night without fail, this exchange happens as i am walking out of my kids room and headed downstairs

good night mamma. see you in the morning

night beauty. thanks for the warning

and almost every time precious little girl giggling ensues.  unbeknownst to my kiddos i smile all the way down the steps.  my heart filled to capacity with their love.

what i wouldn't give to capture those moments, bottle them and release them on tough days, encapsulating myself in a cloud of pure, unaltered kid love.  the love from a child is probably the best love there is.  it is uncomplicated love.  children come as a blank canvas.  they don't carry extra baggage.  they don't have preconceived ideas. they don't have expectations.  they flit through their day loving unconditionally much like a dog does.

so here's what i want to know, is it possible to have this uncomplicated love as an adult?

blip update...

i wrote about this app a couple of months ago, when i had just started using it.  i thought it was pretty cool.  it was still really new to me.  i had just started having consistent conversations with a few people.  well fast forward to today, i am completely in love with this app.

unlike other social media formats (twitter, facebook, or instagram to name a few), you get a real feel for who these people you are interacting with are.  why?  because you are actually talking to them.  carrying on conversations in real time, whether they are serious or complete off the wall bullshit, it is real.  there is something about the human voice that is hard to fake. 

i love my facebook page, don't get me wrong, but i feel like there is so much drama on facebook.  it seems like there are many cryptically crafted messages that i can only imagine are posted to antagonize someone else.  i have a couple of blip friends who talk about facebook frequently.  one says that facebook is NOT a diary, be careful what you post.  another comments often about people's immaturity on facebook, in and out of relationship, airing out their dirty laundry and so forth. 

there doesn't seem to be that drama on blip.  maybe it is because it is still relatively new and the backstabbing, two faced, nitty gritty hasn't had a chance to develop?  that may sound funny, but i think when relationships are building, growing and becoming stronger we form alliances or loyalties and when we feel like they are being compromised or sabotaged in some way we jump in with guns drawn.  so far i haven't experienced this on blip and i'm truly hoping that it doesn't come to that.

then we have twitter.  i have one, but i am clueless on how it really works.  there are these things called hashtags, i believe, but i don't know how one uses them.  i don't understand how people find, follow, respond or interact in general with each other.  twitter is an enigma to me.  the only thing i post to my twitter account is my photos from instagram because there is a toggle switch that allows me to do so and the link to my blog when i post something new for the same reason, it is an option.  i never go to the twitter application and see what others are doing.  okay, i am total twitter failure, but i am okay with that. 

on to instagram. this is a fun app.  i love pictures.  being able to see someones life through photographs is pretty darn cool.  although you can only comment and ask questions, there isn't much else to do besides view. 

which brings me back to blip.  unexpectedly i have formed real friendships with people from all walks of life; different ages, different cultures, different beliefs, they live in other parts of our country and the world.  we have been brought together through technology.  we bounce off ideas, seek advice, enjoy a laugh, receive comfort, and rant and rave. there is a real sense of community among the "users".   you get all of this through a free app, hard to believe huh?

the only thing that would be better would be to have face time relationships with these people.  i'm not talking about the iphone function, i am talking being in the same physical space with my virtual blip family and round tabling.  sometimes you just can't beat seeing the body language and expressions of the human you are talking to, but i hear their intent loud and clear on my favorite app.

eerily quiet...

as a lot of you know there was a fatality hit and run accident on saturday night in my town. it happened to be directly outside my house. seriously, right outside my front window. i was fast asleep after a fun day with the kids and our friends, when a noise woke me up.

the noise came from the street, which is outside my bedroom window. my driveway is at least two car lengths deep, but the road is really busy and there is always road noise. it is my white noise. i remember hearing this noise and thought wow that was loud, but i quickly drifted back into a light sleep. that is until my room was lit up. it was like i had a christmas tree next to my bed.

i laid in my bed just listening. i don't remember hearing sirens, but i am sure there must have been some. i could hear voices that seemed to come and go. i remember it being very quiet. then i heard my neighbors door open and close. i decided i should get up and investigate.

from my front window all i could see was lights. a magnificent light show from police vehicles, fire engines and aid cars. the crazy swirling of lights cast a strange pattern on its surroundings. it was hard to decipher what any of the shapes i was seeing were. i could see emergency vehicles, a bicycle, a shoe and a heap of what looked like clothes in the road, there was a man in plaid pajama pants walking in the street and my neighbor in our driveway.

i pulled a blanket around my shoulders and stepped outside. despite all the commotion it was eerily quiet. there was no noise coming from anywhere. no road noise, traffic wasn't passing. no sirens, the vehicles were already on the scene. the emergency personnel didn't seem to be speaking to each other. it was just quiet except for the hum of the engines of the emergency vehicles.

i walked over to my neighbor who explained what i was looking at. i quickly peeked over my shoulder up to the second story of my house to see if my kids were peering out the window. i can honestly say i am thankful that they slept through the whole thing. it was a pretty grisly scene. at one point, when i realized that heap of clothes was not just clothes but a human, i sat down. i felt like i was going vomit. i stayed outside until the medics the left. somehow sleep found me.

i am left with a street painted like a rainbow, an image of a broken human and silence. the paint lines will disappear long before the image and the silence.


here is the story from our local newspaper.

1 killed, 2 hurt in Marysville hit-and-run crash | HeraldNet.com - Local news

living in the moment...

going to lighten things up today. the past few posts have been heavy. well for me they have been.

in the past month i have posted, more than once, a particular song on my facebook page. this particular week i have had it on repeat (i needed the extra reminder). i am sure i have listened to it at least a bazillion times and i am not tired of it yet. at this point i know every single word including the whistling portion. i find myself humming this catchy tune whenever i step away from the actual music source. i can't help myself i love this song.

in the spirit of the song living in the moment i am going to share my major achievement of the morning. thrilling i know. i love when i can back my car into a space perfectly between the lines on the first run. my ex husband had shared early on in our dating years that more accidents in parking lots happen with people backing out of space, so i try to back in as often as possible so i can just pull out. i always think it is funny the little bits of information that stick with you. anyway, this may not seem like a major achievement but we will back up twenty years, yes twenty, and you will see why.

twenty years ago i was sixteen. the age that every teen looks forward to. the age when our true freedom begins. getting your driver's license is one of those major achievements in life that opens doors that were previously closed. you no longer need your mother to drop you off at the movie theater, bowling alley or whatever local hang out you go to. you no longer need to bum rides off your older friends or have to take the bus to get to school. yes, getting your driver's license is a right of passage to freedom.

taking the test and passing it was a nerve racking experience for me. i remember it like it was yesterday. i took my test in the city i am currently living in, marysville. my mom brought me. i took the driving test in the car i had been learning in, a light blue, four door, stripped down toyota corolla. it was a manual shift, windows that you had to roll down with a handle, a radio but no tape deck (this was before the age of cd's and xm radio), not even power steering (this car was a beast to turn). it had tan cloth interior and i was in love with this car. it was to be my ride when i passed my test.

i can remember sitting in the lobby of the dmv, nervous as all get out, feeling like i was going to vomit, just waiting for my name to be called. a man who looked just like waldo minus the striped shirt called my name. we climbed into my blue toyota and drove off. i was doing great; looking both ways, stopping at the appropriate times, maintaining the perfect speed, checking all my mirrors and then i made a big mistake.

we were on a side street, he told me to turn the corner and put it in park. i did that to perfection, then he said back around corner. he may have said back slowly around the corner, but my foot had another plan. i put my car in reverse and floored it, whipping my car recklessly around the corner. he grabbed the oh shit handle, braced himself and i'm sure was holding his breath. i came to a screeching halt and let out my breath, apparently i was holding mine. he calmly said, well that was the fastest back around the corner i have ever experienced.

i failed every other technical maneuver from this point on. i knocked over every cone parallel parking. is there anymore to fail? i can't really remember. anyhow, we get back to the dmv, i park my car cattiwampus in the space he tells me to and put in park. he finishes slashing my record and turns towards me i'm going to pass you. if you can't park that is your own problem. make sure you come to a complete stop and look both ways and you should be fine. oh my word!! you are kidding me, i passed? best day of my life up until that point.

so you see, being able to park my car perfectly on the first shot is something to be celebrated. living in the moment is celebrating and finding joy in the small things that happen everyday. it is also letting go of things beyond our control. as you know i struggle with this, but with the help of jason mraz's melody looping in my head it is a little easier.

architect of my own anxiety...

i am the architect of my own anxiety....

a wonderful friend of mine shared these words with me today.  the moment my ears received the words and my brain registered the message i stopped what i was doing.  literally i stopped.  these words resonated so much with me that i made this my facebook status today and now i am expanding on it.  it gives me goosebumps to have moments like these.

for the unfortunate men who have crossed my path and moved on they will understand exactly what i am going to talk about.  i have enormous, skyscraper high, amounts of anxiety in regards to how i am perceived and where the path is going.  i know where it stems from i just can't seem to control it.  this is a major, i'm talking major, character flaw.

it would be fine if i had this anxiety and kept it to myself.  if i did this i would only be torturing me.  only carrying on the negative and ridiculous anthem in my head.  not pushing myself on those around me.  unfortunately i don't know how to do this.  i have no idea how to keep my mouth shut.  i don't know how to let it go.  everything tells me that i need to state my position.  here's the problem, i turn into the bat shit crazy stalker girl that everyone warns each other about.  i over step the boundary.  i make people uncomfortable, including myself.  i cry.  i panic.  i create hysteria. 

the skyscraper i am building is floor after floor of

you aren't enough

when i finally make it to the top of this ridiculously high skyscraper i am taxed and crashing to level g in the underground parking.  i can tell you it is extremely exhausting for me and i can only imagine how insanely exhausting it is for the receiver.  most of the time, well really all of the time, my behavior is inexcusable even to me. 

here is the interesting part of all of this.  it might only be interesting to me, but when i am in someones physical space i have no anxiety.  it melts away like an ice cube.  i can see that person's expressions and body language.  i can hear their tone and pick up on the sarcasm.  i guess you can say that i am visual and am reassured by what i am seeing.  it's that whole saying actions speak louder than words.  however when i am left to my own thoughts doubt starts to creep in and i tailspin. 

holy man, i am a freaking disaster.  no wonder i am single.  lord almighty i need to get a handle on this.  somewhere, somehow i need to come up with a strategy to stay cool, to not panic and remain calm.  clearly i have a lot of work to do.

so to my dear friend who shared these profound words, thank you. 

a hard question...

Mom, why is God making our life so hard?  Why can't we just be happy?

there are questions that my kids ask that i have no idea how to answer.  i am not able to answer the questions my daughter asked from a biblical standpoint.  i am not that strong in my religion.  i usually refer to her my friend bethy for biblical questions, but this was a situation that i had to deal with and i owed her that.

i honestly don't know.  i have my theories; so we appreciate the good stuff, so that we are reminded God is there and draw on him for strength and guidance, or so that we don't become lazy and entitled.  there are many, many reasons why people have to go through trials.  it is too hard to narrow it down to just one thing.  so instead of answering her question directly i focused on appreciating all the blessings that we have.

i believe that happiness comes from within.  recognizing and relishing in the blessings we already have is where true happiness comes from, everything else is just frosting.  even though i believe this i find myself getting trapped in the want for more.  when i was talking with my daughter i pointed out all the wonderful things that i have; amazing kids, incredible friends, a supportive and loving family, a job that supports me, a roof over my head that keeps me warm, the ability to feed and clothe myself and my kids.  i am truly rich and fortunate to have so much when so many have so little.

here's my trap, and i explained this to my daughter, i am not satisfied with all of the above. i don't want more close friends, or more children, or even wealth.  i want a companion someone that i can lean on, lift up and laugh with.  i know at ten years old she doesn't quite grasp this, but i think it's important that my kids see that i struggle with things just like they do.  more importantly that it is possible to move forward. 

the next part of our discussion was her telling me all the blessings she had in her life.  hearing her list all of the love she experiences was amazing.  i have so, so much to learn from her. 

a familiar stranger...

funny how i am struggling to find the words to share my latest adventure.  my thoughts seem to be stuck inside unwilling or maybe unable to to find an exit.  i'm not sure how to capture the feeling through words, but i will give it shot.

i should start with that it almost didn't happen.  there was a lot of trepidation and hesitation.  it is not everyday that i fly across our great nation to meet a complete stranger.  sure you can get a feel for someone through conversation, but it is totally different being in the same physical space as that person.  sitting at the airport surrounded by hundreds of people, not knowing a soul, made me feel small and insignificant.  my AD (alone disorder), kicked in full swing.  to top it off i was exhausted beyond belief, nervous about how things were going to go, and getting sick to my stomach.  in the end i boarded the plane. 

all of the anxiety and nervousness washed away when i saw him.  he is the most handsome man i have ever seen, ever.  forget about your brad pitts or fireman calendar pin-ups, they've got nothing on this man.  he has the kindest, gentlest eyes i've ever had the pleasure of looking in to.  they are captivating.  but they are framed by these eyebrows that are playful and add a bit of mischief.  when you couple that with the coy smirk of his mouth, it is perfection. 

as you can tell i was smitten.  the fact that i had now been awake for 24+ hours didn't seem to matter. i was a little girl enamored with a new puppy.  i'm sure i looked like a fool; haggard and disheveled with more zits than a 15 year old (stress played a nasty trick on my face) and a ridiculously cheesy grin.  i couldn't help myself, i was hooked from the get go.  i was now running on pure adrenaline, admiration and awe of this ridiculously handsome man that i was sitting next to.   i can tell you that didn't wane at all throughout my weekend, i caught myself staring, soaking him in, and cataloging him in my memory. 

like any vacation you stay up late, eat horribly unhealthy food, and partake in activities that you just don't do in a regular day.  we did all of these.  i'm pretty sure i gained at least 15 pounds in 3 days.  food has a way of bringing people together.  for some reason when a platter of delicious food is before you conversation seems to be easier.  maybe it is the addition of the spirits that are accompanying the food, or maybe it is just attraction and a desire to learn more, or maybe it's voodoo.  whatever the case, we had tons of great conversations filled with laughter and revelations.

we recorded our adventure on the app where this all started, sharing with our fellow blip friends how things were going.  our banters, laughter, and playfulness are preserved forever.  i had promised a photo to our friends and we were challenged to make it creative.  i am pretty sure we didn't disappoint.  even if no one else liked our photo we laughed hysterically making it.  he actually took a video and chose a still shot then added some ridiculously outrageous headline to take it to the next level. 

waking up on sunday, realizing that the fantasy was ending and i was heading home was hard.  as you all know i am horrible at controlling my thoughts and emotions.  i failed horribly at trying to keep my composure.  our breakfast was very silent.  i was deep in thought, he seemed to be too, but i didn't ask any questions.  when we got back to his place i busied myself with packing my belongings, but once that was done the tears started to flow.  i was embarrassed that i couldn't hold it together.  as progressive and modern as i was pretending to be (we are going to have a fun weekend with no expectations or obligations), i am an old fashioned girl hoping and praying for mr. right to enter my life. 

there was so much i wanted to say on the way to airport, but i bit my tongue.  the reality is we live on opposite sides of the country, but my ego wanted to know if i had left a lasting impression.  he pulled up to the curb.  we shared one last embrace.  i searched his face for an answer, a clue, anything.  i thanked him for a lovely time and casually said, "if you are ever in washington look me up."  i turned to wave and walked through the doors into the airport.  i wanted to look back but didn't want to embarrass myself anymore than i already had.  the bubble i had lived in for the weekend had just burst and i was left slumped against a cold foreign wall wondering what will happen next.

the future is always an unknown.  there is no way to predict what will happen next.  even those with the best laid out plans still falter and fail.  i come away from this experience knowing that i met and connected with an amazing man.  if i ever have the chance to see him again i would make sure it happened.  i am proud that i didn't chicken out and let an opportunity pass me by.  living requires risk and i am choosing to live instead of observe.