a sleek glass bottle gracefully riding the ebb and flow of a powerful ocean. safely tucked inside is a hand scrawled message. is it a message of hope? a confession of wrong doing? a prayer for serenity? or simply a hey, who's out there? whatever the message is, if it doesn't reach another human, removed from its safekeeping to be read, the declaration is trapped inside.
lately i have been scrawling my mental messages and sending them off onto a never ending voyage in my head. the messages never get rescued, never get read, are not discussed or shared in anyway. instead my head is being overrun by tiny glass bottles filled with negativity that is obscuring my reality.
how do i share when i don't know if what i am feeling is reasonable, valid, or worthy? i hear that all feelings are worth sharing, but when i am unsure of how the message will be received it can be scary to share. how do i reach that point where i feel safe to share whatever i am feeling or thinking? is it practice? is it just a leap of faith? does it take my partner to make me feel secure enough and reassuring enough to be so vulnerable? i have come to the conclusion that it is a little bit of everything.
i have spent this last week at odds with matt. it started with one unread bottle and manifested into an ocean of bottles. we took a few days to collect our thoughts and agreed on a day to discuss what was going on and where we were headed. me being the planner wanted to know what his concerns were so that i had a chance to mull them over so i could effectively express myself. i am not a good "wing-it" kind of gal. i did put a lot of thought into all the topics on the table for discussion. interesting enough most of the topics were neatly tucked away in there appropriated bottles floating away just waiting to be addressed.
early on in our endeavor together i freely expressed things. it felt refreshing and safe. i didn't feel stupid or unreasonable. why did it change? why was i all of sudden reserved and scared of being me? i knew why but admitting that to myself was difficult.
i truly feel like matt and i are on a journey that will entangle our lives together forever. we are joining forces and becoming one big blended family. our endeavor is becoming really real, not that it was fake before, but we are continually taking steps to progress in our relationship. so the small nagging voice in the back of my head has started to whisper what if you are wrong? what if it doesn't work, do you really want to be a divorcee times two? funny how that fear of failure coupled with my monthly cycle can really alter how i react to things and how much i hold back.
my handwritten list of concerns, problems, frustrations and fears were like a row of tiny message bottles. i sat on my couch, sweating like a pig on a 100 degree day, wrapped in a blanket because i had the chills and just shared. it was uncomfortable and nerve racking, i was definitely out of my comfort zone. the good news, matt didn't jump off the couch and run out the door. he didn't even look at me like i was crazy, well not the whole time. i have admitted there is a healthy dose of crazy running through my veins and i doubt that is ever going away. after several hours of tears, laughter, and moments of exasperation matt gathered my crumpled deflated self in his arms and said those two words that make my heart melt "welcome home".
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