how does someone find happiness? in the past two years i have had to learn how to find my own happiness. i have read books, taken advice from friends and family, trusted my own instinct (which i don't always put much faith in) and remember that God really does have a perfect plan for me. my road hasn't been easy and yours probably hasn't been either, but at the end of day having a little faith can go along way.
at the end of my marriage, i can honestly say that i was lost. i had forgotten who i was and what i loved. a friend of mine asked me, "what makes Heather happy?" all the answers that i could come up with had nothing to do with me. my answers were based on my children's happiness. i am not sure if this a trap that most mothers fall in to, but making sure that my children's needs were met and exceeded and that they were happy had become my primary focus. then i took care of my husband. if there was anything left and i wasn't dog tired i would take care of me. my friend wasn't satisfied with my answers, he basically said that i hide behind my children. i was irritated by his words, but he was speaking the truth and sometimes i just don't want to hear the truth.
Not having a spouse to take care of or even consider when making decisions for me was freeing. In my new found freedom i kind of let loose. i showed up for work too many times hungover. i "hooked up" with a couple of fellas just because. i stayed up way past my bedtime. i stopped going to church. i stopped seeing my friends and family and hung out with different friends, single friends. i wasn't proud of everything i did, but i think it was necessary. the freedom to be reckless and unpredictable was something i really hadn't experienced in my adult life. however, at the end of the day i wasn't happy. all this wild abandon grown up fun wasn't making me happy because it just wasn't me. i am not drunk, a heathen, or a floozy.
on a particularly down day i had text my good friend bethy. a sob story of how horrible my life was, i was always going to be alone, why did this have to happen to me? instead of bethy telling me what i wanted and needed to hear she gave me a task. to make a list of 25 things that make you happy. there were no real instructions, no right or wrong answers and i didn't have to share it, it was just for me. i am really good at following directions so off i went to make my list.
i titled my yellow notebook paper *25 Things That Make Me Happy* . Wrote 1-25 down the left hand side of the paper and started writing. it took me only a few minutes to fill up the 25 spaces and there was one more that i just couldn't leave off. number 26, texting. this may seem silly, but i get satisfaction out of the ease of keeping in touch with my friends through text. i feel like they are always with me and i can reach them anytime. my list is very random. alot of my items are material things; earrings, shoes, new clothes, make up, books, movies, puzzles. there are some things that just make me feel good; singing, dancing, laughing, smiling. a couple of vanity things; having shaved legs, being tan, getting my haircut. some that don't fit in any category; the sun, the beach, my hands smelling like garlic, coffee. my friends, family and kids made the list of course.
so i got it done, what now?? i have it taped to my bathroom mirror. i look at it every single day. most of the items on my list are things i can incorporate into my everyday life. being able to shift my focus from negative to positive by adding things that make me happy is crucial. i don't have to rely on anyone else it is just about me. i am capable of creating my own happiness and i choose to be happy.
like i said my journey hasn't been easy. it has been full of shameful acts, dark moments when i wasn't sure i was going to come out ok at the other end, anger at God, myself, my ex, the world. there has also been lots of joyous moments, they seemed small and insignificant, but there were just enough of them to keep me above water. so i guess the question how does someone find happiness? still hangs in the air. i have never claimed to have the answers even one answer, i can only share what has worked for me.
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