give me may....

rarely in my life have i fought for something.  i tend to just go with the flow.  if things don't work, they don't work.  i don't try to force my way to happen.  in some respects this is a huge character flaw, i don't have a strong inner drive to make things happen.  my inner drive is not to be successful monetarily, but to be successful in regards to family.  to have a partner that will work with me to raise our children to be productive, well adjusted, contributing adults and that my bond with my partner is deep, honest and secure.

i knew i had found that in matt.  i knew it early on.  we have very similar ideas on where we want our lives to go, how a relationship with a partner should look and feel and we are wildly attracted to each other.  how could we not be successful?  when he told me that the distance between us was just going to be too much and he didn't want to continue, i was devastated.  i hadn't really thought about our geographical situation as a deal breaker.

i refused to accept what he was saying and made a conscious decision to fight.  this overwhelming feeling that he was wrong and i was going to prove it, was strange.  i hadn't taken this stance before and to be quite honest it made me feel insane and certifiably crazy.  i felt desperate to show him that i was worth the risk. 

i came up with a plan...give me may.  i had worked out on paper that we could be in each other's presence over half the month.  no expectations, just get to know each other better.  if at the end of may he still felt the same way then i would graciously walk away.  i felt that his decision was premature and i wasn't going down without a fight.  i had no idea if he would agree, if it would work, but i just knew that we would be great together.  i just needed more time.

the other day we were driving and matt says out of the blue, "i am glad i gave you may."  i smiled at him, squeezed his hand and replied, "i was just waiting for you to catch up."  he didn't give me may the way i wanted.  our physical time together was very limited but we talked daily.  he didn't close himself off to the possiblity and i walked through the open door.

are we "meant" to be together?  i think so.  we are still faced with obstacles; geography, the joining of two families, understanding how each other deals with stress, children, our exes.  instead of throwing our hands up in the air and saying this is too hard, we have joined hands and are facing it head on as a team. 

so i guess the fight was worth it.  i've got to say i am still not a fan.  it all seems so unnecessary, but when you are dealing with your life and the lives of your children i suppose nothing should be taken lightly.  i think that matt and i have a better understanding of how committed we are to our venture together. an understanding we may not have if we hadn't taken a step back and really examined all the facets of investing in each other.