Meditation, something on my list of things to try for 2011

jan. 18, 2011.  this marks day 1 on my attempt to learn how to meditate.  the idea of clearing one's mind is intriguing to me.  i have no idea how to turn off my head.  most of the time it drives me absolutely crazy. to tell you just how much i have struggled with this a short story. 

it was the year i turned 13.  for most this is a joyous time, the right of passage into being a "Teenager".  we all want to get to that point.  when im 13 i will get to do this, or will get to wear this, i will get to officially have a boyfriend, whatever it was for you i know it was important.  as for me i was thrilled to be turning 13 until the day actually came.  in my head i was getting OLD, oh my word, i don't want to grow up, i want to be a kid.  growing up is for the birds.  why can't i just stay a kid.  well this crazy dialogue in my head started causing me to cry, yes cry, all the time.  i think i cried every night for at least a month, can't remember the exact length of time, but i know i drove my family (mom and sis) absolutely nuts.  i was fine until it came time to go to bed, and then the waterworks started.  my mom was beside herself, i remember one night she sat me on the edge of the bathtub and drilled me questions, "is there something happening at school with another kid?" "is there something happening with a teacher?" " are you taking drugs?" "did you have sex with someone?"  my answer was NO to all of it.  i had good friends, my teachers loved me, drugs...no way are you kidding me, sex, ewww i hadn't even kissed a boy let alone have sex with a boy, gross.  i just didn't want to grow up.  my mom talked the counselor at school, talked with my teachers, talked to my dad, anyone and everyone she could think of.  my sis, well she was done with me and every night would tell me to "shut up, im trying to go to sleep"  i think she was irritated with all the attention i was getting from mom and i wasn't trying to get attention i just couldn't turn my head off and stop obsessing about having to grow up.  i eventually figured it out after much grief from those around me and stopped crying, but as you can see i have struggled with this affliction for a long LONG time.

so to be able to clear my head would be a dream.  i hear that you can do this through meditation, but what in the world does that mean?  so off to wikipedia i go, here is the definition: refers to any of a family of practices in which the practitioner trains his or her mind or self-induces a mode of consciousness in order to realize some benefit.  what?  well what does that mean?  so i read on, in Buddhism, Sogyal Ripoche, in the book The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying describes meditation as this: The gift of learning to meditate is the greatest gift you can give yourself in this life.  For it is only through meditation that you can undertake the journey to discover your true nature, and so find the stability and confidence you will need to live, and die, well.  Meditation is the road to enlightenment.  ok, well that sounds fabulous, finding my true nature and jumping on the road to enlightenment.  i keep reading, in Hinduism, Sovami Vivekananda describes meditation as follows: meditation has been laid stress upon by all religions.  The meditative state of mind is declared by the Yogis to be the highest state in which the mind exists.  When the mind is studying the external object, it gets indentified with it, loses itself.  To use the simile of the old Indian philosopher: the soul of a man is like a piece of crystal, but it takes the colour of whatever it is near.  Whatever the soul touches....it has to take its colour.  That is the difficulty.  That constitutes the bondage.  hmmmm......well i can see that.  i have had my soul touched by external things (people, nature, experiences) and i get consumed by it.  this makes sense in my crazy whackadoo head.

ok, so now i have a better idea of what the world, different religions, cultures, lifestyles view meditation as, but how do you do it.  well i looked at several different websites and from what i can gather it seems simple; sit in a quiet comfortable location void of lots of stimulation (this is difficult i live in a house with two rambuncious kiddos and a crazy cat), sit up straight with your legs crossed (i am a sloucher, i try really hard to sit up straight but usually fail and have to remind myself to sit up, this might be hard), close your eyes (i have troubles closing my eyes to sleep, i like to see what is going on around me, oy) and breath in through your nose out through your mouth.  the exhale should be longer than the inhale (okay i can breath this i am good at, and mouth breathing well for a good part of my life i couldn't breath through both sides of my nose and i had to breath through my mouth so i could get my lungs full, this i can do.  finally mouth breathing is acceptable!)  now clear your mind, block out all other sounds around you and concentrate on your breathing and stop thinking.  well sweet jesus, that is a whole lot easier on paper.

here goes nothing....kids are in bed, tv is off, radio is off, i have my candles glowing, the side table lights are turned off.  i lay out a blanket on the floor, it seemed cozier, i cross my legs, rest my hands on my knees and close my eyes.  first i concentrate on what i can hear...the heater is on and i can hear the fan running, my dishwasher is also on, rinsing and every now and then i hear a car go by outside.  i think not too much noise i should be able to block out those sounds. so, i start to concentrate on my breathing, thinking that i will block out one noise at a time.  my eyes are closed but i can still the flickering of the candlelight behind my eyelids, but that isn't too bad, not too distracting.  i take my first breath in, fill my lungs in a comfortable breath, slacken my jaw and part my lips slightly and exhale.  not bad, ive got my first breath down.   oh i forgot to mention that most of the websites on meditation for beginners said to limit your sessions to 15 minutes, even if you don't clear your mind in that time, stop.  that took all of what a second and half and i have how much longer???  oh my word, i will never be able to do this.  focus heather, just breath.

i forge forward.  i realize that i am sitting with my shoulders raised, tense so i drop my shoulders and continue to breath listening to myself breathing.  i can still hear the dishwasher and the heater and the cars outside and now my son is sitting at the top of the steps saying "mom" every couple of minutes, but i don't open my eyes, i don't readjust my position, i stay cross legged on my cozy blanket in my candlelit living room and breath.  during the next few minutes i really concentrate on my breathing, i can feel my lungs fill up, my bra strap tighten around my chest, my ribcage expanding to capacity that it doesn't usually reach, my spine seems to lengthen with the intake of air.  air, something my body cannot live without but i breath in and out every day without ever having to think about it.  now i am thinking about it, i am concentrating on it, i am feeling what my body does every second of every day all on its own.  it is pretty awesome.  and then i exhale, my jaw is slackened, my lips are slightly parted and my nightime tea scented breath is slowly exiting my lungs.  feeling my body exhale is equally as fascinating to me as inhaling.  as my lungs slowly deflate, my bra strap loosens and goes almost slack at the end of my breath, my ribcage contracts around my deflating lungs, my spine seems to shrink back down to its relaxed state, my belly button naturally pulls in towards my spine.  i think if this is all i get out of this tonight well then it was pretty awesome, just to feel.

foucs, heather....stop dialoguing, focus.  my breathing starts to slow and deepen and my shoulders are still relaxed, but now my right foot which is folded under my left knee starts to fall asleep.  crap, i can't seem to stop thinking about my foot, just move it a little, duh!  so i adjust my foot, i still haven't peeked (this is a major accomplishment for me, let me tell you) and i am still breathing, it hasn't quickened with the foot set back.  ok breathing, i haven't blocked out a single sound yet; fan blowing, water rinsing, my son still saying my name, cars still going by, oh there went a siren....focus. 

i sit here for several more minutes, really trying to concentrate on my breathing.  still marveling at how it feels to breath, to hear my inhale and exhale, feel my body expand and contract.  it is a mesmerizing state, just feeling my breathing.  i hear footsteps running down the stairs and my daughter's voice...and then she stops in midrun and is silent.  i know that she is looking at me from the steps.  i don't open my eyes, i am willing her to just turn around and go back to bed, but i can feel her standing there staring at me.  CRAP!!!  i guess my session tonight is over.  i open my eyes and smile at her, a bunch of random tattle taling comes spewing out of her mouth.  i quietly and calmly get up off the ground and tell her to go back to bed.  i look at my son and tell him to do the same thing, it is bedtime go back to bed.  my daughter stops at the top of the stairs, turns around and asks, "are you doing the clear your mind thing?"  "trying...."

they both go to bed and i pick up my blanket off the ground and look at the clock, only about 5 minutes have gone by.  instead of feeling completely defeated, i have a slight competitive side to me, i am proud that i stayed seated, kept my eyes closed and enjoyed for just a few moments myself.  i never turned off any of the noises outside my body or inside my head.  i never got my foot to stop tingling, in fact it is still tingling an hour later.  i didn't even make it 15 minutes.  but i tried.