be careful what you wish for....

an interesting thing has happened this week, people seem to be reappearing into my life.  one i have been willing to happen and the other is very unexpected.  both are boys, not sure why i call them boys because they are men but anyway, both have touched my life in ways that have changed who i am forever. 

where to start?  guess i should back up and share the conversations i had recently with two of my really good friends (my bbf and my steady date)  first my bbf...it was a full day friday at school, so when i got off work i went to her house to visit before picking up my kids.  she asked me about J and how i was dealing with everything.  "well to be quite honest i am an absolute wreck, i can't eat, i don't sleep, i just want to know.  i think he will be back (this could totally be my extremely naive side), but that he won't be back until he is ready and has the time for a relationship."  she gives me this look and then says, "i will support you one hundred percent on whatever you decide to do, but can you really be with someone who deals with situations so differently than you do?"  i tell her that " i agreed to this, and i know i could bow out at any time, but i believe in him and that i have no idea if i could handle this another time (the crazy person in my head says hell no you can't, look at you!) but, if this were to come up again in the future i would like the option to be included or not."  then yesterday i was talking with my steady date, we were on our way to dinner, and i said to her, "i want to be wanted."  she looked at me "of course you do, we all do."

so i finally heard from J, it has been almost a month since i have had any contact with him.  i got 6 text messages in a row and my heart stopped.  instantly a huge knot formed in my stomach and i thought for sure i was going to crash my car! (i was on my way from my bbf's house to get the kids, right after our conversation!!!)  i cannot explain just how intense the feelings were at that moment.  my phone seemed to be yelling at me, "pick me up! read me now!" and i was terrified to do so.  i had been hoping that i would hear something and here it is and i can't bring myself to look.  so i get to school, park my car and pick up my phone.  i take a deep breath and scroll back to the first of six.  i am blown away.  it is poem, a beautiful poem, it made me cry, about his grandfather.  i wish i could share it, but that is private and i don't have permission to do so.  anyway, it was incredible.  i replied to the text, "it is beautiful. thank you for sharing"  i wanted to say sooo much more, but that wasn't the time to do so.

i wish i could say that things have returned back to normal and the relationship is back on track, but J is still dealing with a lot of things, most of it don't know or understand, but i suppose it just isn't for me to know.  i recently read a fantastic book: This is not the story you think it is... by Laura Munson.  she has a interesting philosophy about dealing with a partner (a spouse, family member, friend any type of personal relationship that you are invested in), who is hurting and struggling with an issue.  she says that in order for that person to heal you need to stay out of the way, not take their actions personally, and let them deal.  they may decide to come back to you they may not but you can't make them just because you want it.  well i love this philosophy but it is freaking hard to do!  it is hard to not WANT, but the few times that i have really embraced what she wrote i have felt more peaceful and trusting.  then that nasty woman who makes me doubt and fear starts shouting at me and i take a few steps backwards and start doubting.  grrrr...i despise that lady. 

so dinner with my steady date...some of our other divorced single friends decided to join us and we had our group "therapy session" ha!  not as bad as it sounds, just us poor souls who have a horrible reality in common.  we are all at different points of going through and on the other side of divorce but it is a common thread.  anyway, one of the male divorcees was a little "touchy" last night.  i gave my "date" a look and she just laughed, "careful what you wish for flo!"  right about the same time she said that i got a text....this is the completely unexpected person.

C..a little background info would be good.  the first time i ever met C, everything inside of me told me i had to touch him.  it was so strange, i had never experienced that kind of energy before. it was definitely something that i couldn't ignore, it was intoxicating.  the relationship ended up being a passionately charged disaster that ended horribly.  looking back i was running from my reality and hoping to have it fixed by someone else, but as we all know that doesn't work. i was in the beginning of my divorce trying to deal with tons of emotions, questioning myself every day if i was making the right decision, scared out of my mind about being a single mom and stupidly trying to have a relationship.  in all fairness i wasn't a peach to deal with. 

"would i be bothering you if i text you?"  my initial reaction was "yes it would, you broke my heart, was down right cruel to me and now you want to text? are you kidding?"   but i didn't say that, "sure that would be fine."  it is strange, i am leary of his intentions, he says he just wants to be friends. we did have a pretty awesome friendship, he is easy to talk to and we used to bullshit all day, but can you go back to that after a falling out?  i don't know, i guess i will find out.

i wish i understood why people do what they do.  why do some people come in sweep you off your feet and then drop you in mid air?  why do some people touch your life in a way that you can't shake them?  why do we connect with people that may not be the right ones to connect with?  why? why? why?  this is when i need to take the advice of Laura Munson and stop trying to control things that are out of my control, create my own happiness. oy vay, why is that so hard for me to do?