sometimes you meet someone that touches your heart, speaks to your soul. it hasn't happened very often to me. i must admit that since i left my marriage i have been very guarded on letting someone get that close to me. the walls i have erected around my heart were made of iron, nearly impenetrable. you can imagine my surprise when the slightest crack formed and that warmth started to stream in. the feeling was foreign, exhilirating and welcomed.
recently i "re-met" J. i say "re-met" because he wasn't new to me, i had known him several years ago. when we met this time the connection was different. the first time we spoke, we talked for hours reconnecting, comparing where our lives had taken us up to that point, laughing. it was a comfortable conversation except for my ear that was throbbing from being smashed up to my cell phone. he intrigued me to say the least.
we met the next day for coffee. i had originally told him the night before that i didn't have any extra time, but i would see what i could do. i ended up with an extra 90 minutes and so we met. have you ever experienced a moment in time when you knew that you were right where you were supposed to be? i beat him to starbuck's and watched him walk across the parking lot and i knew i was supposed to be right there. i had no idea if anything would come from our cup of coffee, but it didn't matter, i had listened to my heart..it was hard to hear through that crack in the iron wall.
over the next several days we talked many times about everything; kids (the ones i already have and having more), where we want to live when we grow up, past relationships, where this new friendship was going. it was strange he is very open and willing to talk about anything. i was to say the least smitten, i don't think i stopped smiling. it is funny that things i swore i was absolutely against, having more kids, moving away from snohomish county suddenly didn't seem that important.
eventhough i was being swept away i was still cautious. i hadn't let someone get this close to me, to my heart. let someone into my life. i have more than just myself to protect i have the hearts of two wonderful little kids to care for. i was trying really hard to not overthink things and just follow my heart. i don't trust my heart though, look where it has gotten me? so far my heart does not have the best track record.
we skip forward a few months, it is the beginning of december, we are talking about putting up a tree together, taking the kids, my kids, out playing in the snow, exploring our great earth and J has a family emergency that has pulled him away. communication with him has been few and far between. i want to be there for him in anyway that i can, but i understand that the newness of our relationship does not warrant my involvement.
i am in awe at his devotion to his family, it truly is an awesome thing to witness (from afar). yet i am left behind wondering if that was all there was? will he come back? how can i express myself to him without coming across as that stupid needy girl "i know you are busy but what about me?" i don't know if there are answers to any of these questions.
throughout this adventure with J i have learned this: if i am willing i can let someone in...i can trust that what they say and what they do is honest and sincere. if it doesn't last at least i got to share those intimate, private, deep moments with another human being. being vulnerable to love also means being vulnerable to hurt....
2 comments:
Very brave and open of you Heather. It is definitely hard to let your guard down after being in a bad situation; especially when you have children to consider. Stay positive and positive things will manifest themselves.
Hugs. Deb H
Oh Heather...You put that beautifully. I am sure writing helped a wee bit. The hurt though still is so painful.
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