kids

i was having an emotional conversation with my "steady date" the other morning.  the two of us seem to be on a parallel course through this life.  our paths crossed several years back, but it wasn't the time for us to really connect.  unfortunately our course through life hasn't been the easiest, but we draw strength from each others triumphs and we can commiserate in our failures, HUGE failures.

i had read on her fb page that she had an amazing conversation the previous day, but when i went to talk with her, she was near tears.  at first i was really concerned, but quickly realized that her tears were from being overwhelmed with positive news.  she had been talking with a counselor about her son, and was validated in how she was handling his behavior.

then we got to talking about raising kids; how we discipline or lack thereof, what other parents expect us to do with our kids, what is socially accepted by other adults, the gamut.  it was a short conversation, but it has got me thinking....there are so many ways to raise children is there a right or wrong?  i can honestly say that i don't believe that there is only one way to do it, each kiddo is different and will require different strategies to help them be successful.  i personally belive that if we (the parents) can keep in mind that our children are learning how to be adults (most of the time by immitating us) we can have a different perspective on why they are doing what they are doing.

i touched on this the other day with my daughter.  she is a beautiful, strong-willed 9 year old.  she has had an opinion since she was very very little.  i will never forget the summer when she was 18 months old, yes 18 months old, we were shopping for summer for clothes.  i was hugely pregnant with my son and i just wanted to get in and out of the store.  every item i picked out she said "NO".  i let her out of the cart and said, "go ahead pick some clothes then."  we left the store with several things she had picked and several things that i had picked.  well she NEVER wore the items that i picked!  i have to say i was really surprised, but she had said no and she meant it, she didn't like them and wasn't going to wear them.  lesson learned, don't try to pick out clothes for my daughter.  now i suppose some other parent out there would've forced their child wear ALL the summer clothes that were purchased, "i spent good money on these and you are going to wear them.", but i didn't.  my thought process was and still is, "why should she have to wear what i want her to wear?  nobody tells me what to wear, this is (at her age) a means of expression on who she is, one of the only means of expression she has."

another moment in time with my daughter sticks out, this was much more recently, last school year in fact.  we (the kids and myself) were in the car on our way to school and the kiddos were arguing in the back seat.  big sis is correcting everything, i mean EVERYTHING her brother is doing, so i say to her, "when you are perfect then you can tell your brother what to do." without a blink of an eye she spouts off, "you aren't perfect and you tell me what to do all the time."  crap, she is right, but i can't tell her that, "well dear, you are right, but i got the priviledge of telling you what to do when i gave birth to you." 

oy, she is just too much sometimes.  so my daughter, she is tons of fun, she drives me absolutely crazy, she definitely keeps me on my toes.  my job as her parent is to teach how to use her words in a manner that isn't such a stab in the chest because there is an effective way of communicating that isn't so harsh, but she is 9 that skill is still "under construction".  she is always looking for a loop hole to accomplish something the way she wants to but still come to the same conclusion that is expected of her.  she has many qualities that adults are praised for, but for some reason those same qualities don't have the same weight as a youth.  most of the time she comes across as a brat, who sasses and is rude.  i try not squash her just redirect her in a more acceptable manner.

then we have my son, now he is whole different cat.  cautious is a good word for him.  he is not the bravest soul on the planet and takes forever to warm up to new situations and new people, but he has a funny sense of humor.  he is the type of kid who sits back and never says anything and then all of sudden he is  reading and you had no idea he could do that. 

when my son was really young he was diagnosed with "sensory processing disorder".  he was in speech therapy, when our therapist suggested that he have further testing, she said "there is something else going on with him."  we met with an occupational therapist and she observed him and i filled out a questionaire.  now before you scoff at this, i think everyone who fills out this questionaire will discover that they are "sensitive" in some way or another, in my sons case his sensitivity was impacting his daily life and his quality of life.  the o.t. says to me, "your son has a brain disorder...." i know she kept talking, i could see her mouth moving, but i didn't hear anything else she said.  well i threw him into every type of therapy that was available and i read as much as i could to try and understand what he was going through and how i could help him succeed.  he is now 7 and he has gained many tools and has matured and most of the time it is hard to tell that something may be "off" about him.

so i said he is cautious, well he played a team sport for the first time this past year, soccer.  we practiced for several weeks before our first game.  i was so excited, it was his first game and from what i could see at practice he has some natural skills.  so we are all suited up standing on the sideline and the coach calls him to go in and he freezes.  he says NO, and then proceeds to start bawling!  oh my word, what in the world is wrong?  i cannot even imagine why this is so scary, he totally looks forward to practice and plays at home all the time with his sis and he has been so excited about playing a game, and then he says NO, you've got to be kidding me.  i kneel next to him and turn him towards the field so he can see the game.  he walks away saying he doesn't want to play anymore.  coach asks again if he wants to come in and he still says no.  so i walk him away from everyone, but we are still facing the field, and i ask him, "what is the problem? how can we fix it so you can play?"  he says, " i don't know who all these people are?  i don't know where the edge of the field is? what are those nets for?  who are those other kids?"  oh my goodness, my head is swimming, everyone is looking at us because this kid is having a complete meltdown...ok think mom, start with the first question. 

1.  all the people: well those are family members of the players, they came to see their kids play their first game.  all the other kids are another team and those people on the other side of the field are their family members.

2.  edge of the field....during practice his field is marked off with cones, there are no cones on this field.  so the edge is the white lines, do you see them?  ok, that is the out of bounds.  so we walk around part of the field so he can see the edges.

3.  the nets...well on his practice field there are no nets, the goals are marked with cones.  those are the goals, you want to put the ball into the net.

ok, he is calmed down, seems a little more sure of the game and who all the people are and how the field works.  now to get him out there.  the first half is over, he hasn't played at all.  the coach comes over and asks him if he wants to play?  coach says just stand by me and i will tell you what to do, just listen to my voice.  so 2nd half and he goes in, i have got my fingers crossed, and within moments he has scored a goal.  he is smiling from ear to ear.  he was fine the rest of the game. 

i talk about this incident because it was a stellar parenting moment for me but i also tore myself apart.  sometimes with this kiddo i feel like i should be able to anticipate some of the issues that come up.  we have worked so hard in helping him feel comfortable in his environment so that he is successful.  but geez i had no idea that the fact there were no cones was going to be an issue, it hadn't ever crossed my mind.  this was a stellar moment for me because instead of yelling at my kid, or insisting that he go out and play, or give him an ultimatum, i stayed calm, listenend to what he was saying, offered my help to fix some of the problems and together we got through it.

he has issues with noise; too much noise and he doesn't seem to be able focus on the important sounds, too loud and he covers his ears, unexpected loud noises and he is hiding.  during church he is often laying underneath the pew with his ears covered, our church has live music and it is just too loud for him.  it is not how most parents would let there kid behave at church, but he is being quiet and im sure is paying attention, it's simply just too loud.  when he flushes a toilet, residential or commercial, he always covers one ear when he flushes and then quickly brings up his hand to cover the other ear.  it is strange but he can't stand it.

i was recently told that "maybe he reacts to these situations in a "negative manner" because you baby him."  i have to say that i immediately went into defensive mamma bear mode.  first of all i want to address negative manner, for me it isn't negative it is just not how a typical kid his age would react.  he is not a kid who throws tantrums or makes big disturbances to the others around him.  he may cry, cover his ears, ask repeatedly to be done with whatever because it is too overwhelming for him to process, but i don't look at it as negative.  second, i don't baby him.  he is diagnosed with a disorder, but it is not an excuse for poor behavior.  he has to work harder at using his tools to function in a society that wants children to "obey and conform".  since when does giving a child a hug and comfort a form of babying?

my job as his parent is to help him navigate a world that he finds scary and confusing.  i have to help him use the tools he knows so he can function.  i couldn't imagine having a "disability" that impacted my daily life.  as a mom it is hard to watch him sometimes and believe me there are times when i want to say, "buck up, you have to do this i just don't really care if it is scary or uncomfortable." but i have learned with him that if it is something he really doesn't want to do, don't bother, that experience will be a disaster.  does this give him too much control?  for me, no.  i have watched him grow for so long i am able to recognize the looks and signals he gives when he knows that it is just going to be too much.

i think that i might come from a different point of view when it comes to parenting.  i do not think that my kids have to adopt all of my ideals or obey my every command.  now, when i ask them to stop arguing, i do expect them to do it.  and when i ask them to help out they are expected to do so.  but i guess i am talking about a bigger scope, shouldn't we be encouraging our kids to make mistakes, use their brains to solve problems, learn life by experimentation, nuture the strengths that they are naturally born with and help them develop into respectful productive adults?  if this is the goal of parents then how can we accomplish that by expecting them to obey all of our rules, conform to our ideas, never go outside of the rigid lines we set up and fail?