new stud...

recent text conversation:

me: i want to get my ear pierced again

friend: ooh, lets do it.

well i did it.  

went to pretty funky placed called robot piercing and tattoo in good ol' portland.

see that cute robot?

thankfully my favorite girls were with me.  i made them come in the room with me.  i almost chickened out.  my nerves were getting to me as we waited. 

my piercer, anna, said it will take about three seconds and you will feel some pressure and warmth. 

pressure and warmth...uh

 she started saying a bunch of other instructions and i had to stop her.  although i was trying to listen, i couldn't hear a word she was saying. i was really questioning whether i really wanted to go through with it.  so anna says, "when i tell you to breathe, take a deep breath in"

my last look of fear before we get started

anna told me to take a deep breath.  i did as i was told, i'm really good at following directions, and she pushed.  i immediately said, "HOLY SHIT!" loudly.  then exhaled, just as i was instructed.  see i'm good at following directions.  

there's anna

anna did her thing then told me i could sit up.  it may have lasted a little longer than three seconds and i don't remember any warmth, but surprisingly enough the pain didn't hurt too long.  even now it doesn't hurt too bad.  

see it?  

i now have my tragus pierced, i had to have my friend tell them what i wanted done.  i will wear this silver ball stud for a couple of months and then switch out it out for a diamond-like one to match the other diamonds in my ear. 

to celebrate my new piercing, we tried a new venue called the fireside and i had my first ever moscow mule.  verdict, not only pretty to look at but really delicious. 

copper mugs are the best

  a new stud to start off 2016. 

another successful trip to portland in the books.

more memories made with two of my favorite girls.

long time, no write...

hello!

i've been on a writing hiatus, not sure if two months counts as a hiatus, but it feels like much longer.  i haven't written anything.  no journaling of any kind.  no love notes.  no hate mail.  hardly any facebooking.  i must admit that i miss it.  i miss the creativity. i miss the clearing of my head.  i miss the outlet.  i miss sharing.  it's funny how the very reasons i wanted to take a break are the very things i am missing in my life.

so what the heck have i been doing the past couple of months?

marathon update...i didn't do it.  gasp!  i really did give it a good go, but my body wasn't having any part of it. training was going well until about mile 10.  yeah i know, not even half way, but let me explain.  first off you should know i come to the table with the cards stacked against me; my hips naturally rotate out while my knees naturally rotate in.  this natural deformity in my lower half puts a ton of strain on my joints.  twice, i have had custom orthotics and somehow i have lost both rights, or maybe it is lefts, in any case i have two of the same foot.  with that said, training was going well and then one day my luck ran out.  everything was going great, my knees weren't bothering me, my breathing was fabulous, my butt wasn't jiggling as much as usual, the sun was out, i was making good time and flo was happy.  i was on my way back (i had done an out and back instead of a loop run) flat pavement, no rocks, no twisting and my right hip started hurting, a sharp pain in the socket.  i slowed down a bit and the pain started migrating down my leg.  i slowed down even more.  i slowed down so much i sat down on the pavement and started stretching.  i ended up hobbling off the trail to my car.  by the end of the night i wasn't able to put any pressure on my leg without yelping in pain.  my children had a really hard time keeping a straight face, but i was in serious pain.  i ended up going to the doc, where i got an answer that i wasn't really buying, but went with it.  long story short, i tried running again a couple of weeks later and was still having major problems.  at this point my ankles were killing me, felt like my bones were grinding each other.  my knees were protesting with every stride.  my right hip was screaming at me to stop.  i was loaded up on a regimen of pain relievers and ice.  i realized i had to make a decision; my choices were ruin my internal organs with pain relievers and hopefully be able to walk with a cane after the race or throwing away my ambitions of running an organized race and be able to walk without the use of a cane.  i chose to walk without a cane.  i'm only 39, i would like a few more years of parading around in ridiculous heels.  i haven't completely given up my desire to run a marathon, i will definitely give it another go, however next time i will train at a much slower pace, work my way up to 26 miles and then go for a run one day.

dating...during my writing hiatus i was seeing someone.  it was oddly strange to not share the details of my romantic life, but in the same sense it was nice to have that entanglement just between us.  with every entanglement i learn something about myself.  what did i learn recently?  i am very set in my ways.  since the beginning of my single journey i have feared this very thing.  i have often wondered if i will become so set in my ways that i will have a hard time entertaining doing things differently. i now know that yes i will have a hard time entertaining doing things differently.  some would call this stubbornness, but i would like to put a positive spin on it and call it being comfortable in my skin and knowing what i like.  so there you have it yet another misadventure in dating, but i haven't given up hope.  thankfully my girlfriends and their better halves don't mind having me as their token single friend.

home life...i recently had my home broken in to.  this is a very unsettling thing to have happen.  if this has happened to you, you will get it, if not maybe i can shed some light on it.  i had come home from a weekend with the girls.  my front door was locked, just as i had left it.  i walked in and everything was just as i had left it, or so i thought.  i went to plug in my phone, which i typically connect to my macbook to charge.  so i walked over to the end table where my macbook lives and it wasn't there. hmmm...  i looked at the other table where my tablet lives and that wasn't there either.  i looked around the house and didn't see anything else out of place.  i called my kids thinking they had been by over the weekend and moved things around or took them over to their dad's house, but they hadn't been there.  at this point the only thing i noticed missing was the electronics.  my mindset was "eh not a huge deal nobody was hurt and my house wasn't ransacked, it is just stuff". so i went out to dinner, but while i was at dinner i thought maybe i should check my jewelry.  when i got home, i immediately checked my jewelry and sure enough it was all gone: my wedding ring, my grandma's jewelry, and all the other valuable jewelry i owned.  now i was upset, those items are things i can't replace and they held sentimental value.  i was up all night, i couldn't sleep a wink and i totally freaked myself out.  it was super windy out that night and my front door rattled with every gust and the motion light kept coming on in the back.  i sat on my couch looking from door to door like i was watching a tennis match.  i called the authorities the next morning, gave my statement and have been waiting ever since.  so far nothing has been recovered.  the few days after the break in, i was really freaked out.  it was so unsettling because it didn't appear that anyone had been there, so i kept wondering what else they had touched.  did they get in my bed? i washed my sheets. did they look in my delicates drawer?  i washed all that stuff too.  at this point, life is back to normal minus some jewelry and computers.  we are locked up a little tighter and i have successfully locked myself out a few times, but hey that just means so nobody else can get in either.

outside of those major things, life is pretty good;  kids are back in school, soccer season is in full swing, and my life is comfortably structured and scheduled.  i've been cooking a lot, getting in a little exercise, playing a lot of words with friends, reading, and making memories with my kids, family and friends.  hopefully life is just as happy and cozy in your neck of the woods.

mystery ahead...

it has been months since i have written anything.  i take that back, i write all the time, i simply haven't shared any of it.  lately my writing has been in the form of letters, with actual pen and paper, that never get sent, or papers that are read and graded by a professor i've never met in person, or entries in my private journal.

over the few years i have done this blogging thing, my need for blogging has changed.  when i first started blogging, i was smack dab in the middle of getting divorced.  my world was crazy, unpredictable, emotional, and uncomfortable.  i was having trouble making heads or tails of anything. the writing process was simply to make sense of everything swirling around in my head.  not only was i writing publicly, but i started a musing of the last 15 years.  60 pages in and i had to put it down.  i've picked it up a few times, but i'm never satisfied with how the story unfolds and truthfully it is hard to read.  maybe someday i will pick it back up and turn it into a masterpiece?

then the next phase of blogging started.  for almost a year i was a prolific poster. blogging left and right about the craziness i call "flo's life." this phase included everything and the kitchen sink: mommy failures, dating adventures, time spent with my friends, and a run down of new things from restaurants to experiences. during this time of my life i was very revealing.  regardless of whether i struggled or triumphed, i put it all out there.  part of that journey was being accountable.  i figured if i put everything out there i would have to be that same person virtually and in real life.  this is not to say that i was being fake virtually or in real life, it simply means that i was being as real, honest and transparent as possible.

although i don't regret living my life that way.  during this time i grew so much as a person, discovering who i really am and what i really want out of life, but i also discovered that there are definite downsides to being so transparent.  for one, i deprived someone new the opportunity to discover what i am all about in person. a savvy somebody can simply jump online and study everything there is to know about me over the last five years. that somebody then comes to the table with a list of questions that you wouldn't typically get to until one week, two weeks, or months later.

the other downside is i've lost people in my life over things i have said.  again, i don't regret anything i've shared.  every experience, every post, every emotion was impactful to me at the time.  i have however learned to wait until i've had a chance to simmer down and gain some perspective before sharing.  this growth has minimized the uncomfortable in person conversations with friends and family. i have never shared something in an attempt to intentionally hurt someone else, but i know i have hurt people in the process and i am sorry.

we jump to present time and i have a completely different need in regards to blogging.  i'm craving some mystery. i no longer have this need to feel accountable to me.  nor do i have this pressing need to organize the thoughts in my head.  i just want to experience life with the people i experience it with.  i'm not really sure where that leaves me in terms of blogging, but for now it means that i will be pretty quiet.

thank you for sharing in the process.

happy birthday shreddie...

today is shreddie's birthday.  

we met 9 years ago when our children were going into kindergarten.

she was a wreck, i was ecstatic.

we became fast friends.

you hear people say, "i can't imagine my life without you"

well, i truly can't imagine my life without shreddie

we celebrate birthdays together

we go camping

she's kinda special

she wears this crazy cowboy hat, a lot

she's the glue that keeps our big group together

whatever we are doing it is done with a smile

 and lots of laughter

  

 happy birthday shreddie!

i love you 

visit from an old friend...

my dreams have been crazy lately.  this is probably due to a lack of sleep from an over active mind and some self induced stress. last night i was exhausted before i even made it to my bed.  i had a much needed weekend with the girls, came home took a run, did some homework, a load of laundry, and watched a little telly.

i stumbled to my room, flopped down on my bed, and my eyes were wide open like a porcelain doll. does this ever happen to you?  it drives me bananas when this happens.  so, i picked up my book to read for a bit.  next thing, i jolted awake with my light still on and my book tented across my chest. so i closed up my book, turned off my light, and closed my eyes.  then they popped back open. i did this three or four times before really falling asleep.

somewhere in happy nappy land, J came to me in my dreams.  i think of him every time i see the sun streaming through the clouds or watch the sun dip behind the mountains.  J was always a voice of reason, a source of peacefulness, and had the uncanny ability to sneak in a quip just to lighten the mood.  although i think of him frequently, my thoughts never include his face, it's more of a feeling. the last time i saw his face was through pictures at his memorial this past october.

like most dreams, the details are kind of fuzzy.  i have no idea where i was or what i was doing, but a truck pulled up along side me, on a gravel road, and a familiar drawl said howdy.  i don't recall what we talked about it was a dream.  it could have been anything from armadillos to politics or armadillos as politicians. who knows? what i do know is that it was so nice to see his face and hear his voice.

i woke with a feeling of peace.  when J was alive, and the couple of times we talked throughout the year, there was a revolving theme to our conversations.

peace

it seems so easy, but it is something i struggle with.  i am a person who wants answers, hates unfinished business and will drive myself, and everyone else, crazy obsessing about it. J was someone who always had a ready ear.  J never tried to solve any of my issues, he knew he couldn't, he just listened.  once i was done complaining about the unjustice in my world, he would turn the conversation to the earth: the sun on your face, the grass between your toes, the sing song of a bird, the wisp of smoke from a campfire, or the howl of a coyote in the distance.  

i miss being able to have those talks, but it seems like a cameo in my dream worked just as well. thank you J, it was nice to see you old friend. 

an enhanced happy...

i am ridiculously happy.  you should be prepared for an overload of mushy-gushy, sappy posts for awhile.

so i started this, just those two sentences, on march twenty-seventh.  ridiculously happy really isn't how i'm currently feeling and i'm not full of mush-gushy, sappy thoughts, but life isn't terrible.  sure i'm having crazy dreams; two nights ago i was playing catch with my pet alligator.  the alligator was jumping around my living room like a chihuahua.  it was really weird.  oh and my son is struggling a bit with school, but we will turn that around.  my last quarter of school looks like a doozy, hopefully i can keep my GPA up.  and my heart feels bruised, but bruises always heal, right?

often times i've said happiness is a choice. i can recall several times i have said this to people who are in the dumps.  sorry about that, what a terrible thing to say. when you are in the throws of sadness it is hard to think of anything happy, but it is possible.  it is all about changing your perspective. instead of focusing, in my case obsessing, about the things that are going wrong, you have to start thinking about all the things that are right.

i feel like i have to do this exercise a lot, but every time i do i definitely feel better about things.  so here goes nothing...

first and foremost i have the best friends and family any guy, gal, land creature (minus sloths i don't like those), sea creature, or alien could ask for.  they share in my misery (for a second), share their true and honest opinions (some of those opinions are like taking a fist to the gut), then encourage me to pick myself up and rejoin my life.

not just life in general, but my life.  

you wanna know why?  

my life rocks!   

how is it not possible to be happy about wonderful people?  

but wait there is more...

i am in good health.  we often take our health for granted.  shoot, i have a sister who is missing a finger and mother who has battled and won her battle with cancer.  every day i wake up without any major aches or pains. that is definitely something to be happy about because i know lots of people, my age, just trying to get through the day with minimal pain.  i just started my "soft training" for a marathon i am registered to run the end of september.  a marathon?!  yep, i'm going to cross it off the bucket list this year.

besides being in good health, i am aging well.  i know looks aren't everything, but heck it helps my overall ego to be able to look in the mirror and say not too shabby, flo. 

i have the ability to go on tons of adventures.  i get out there and do things, except riding bicycles i don't really care for that so much.  i have a ticket to go see a comedy show, i just have to pick which one.  i will be sitting in a large comfy booth all by myself but i don't care, i'm going to laugh my sides out.  i'm going to hike more this year.  i have the shoes, the packs, and the will it is time to explore a little more.  i do need some new ideas, so if you have any throw them my way. 

changing your perspective is hard.  i will probably still falter and have a down day here and there, but overall things aren't so bad.  time to rejoin my life. 

you're not strong enough...

have you ever had a dream that you woke up so terrified you checked your body just to make sure you are in one piece and unscathed?  there aren't too many things that i'm really afraid of: outliving my children is one, dolls is another, using a microphone is definitely up there, and being forced to have sex is near the top.  i don't think too often about outliving my children, but occasionally it crosses my mind especially if i am watching a movie with that plot.  i live with a scary doll, i don't ever disturb her, but i am always aware that she is in my attic.  i have had to use a microphone a couple of times in the past couple of months and it makes me want to vomit every time.  i don't usually put myself questionable positions where i could possibly be raped, but i had a dream about that very thing just the other night...

____________________________________________________________

it started off very normal.  i was hanging out with someone i knew, at their place, to watch a movie. we got settled on the couch, turned on the movie, and i promptly dozed off.

this is where dreams get weird, i don't know how i got there, but the next "scene" we were in his bed.  i was wearing a tank top and a pair of his boxers. 

we were just sleeping, he rolled over to cuddle, when his hands started wandering.  i told him to cut it out, but he kept on with his exploration.  i grabbed his hand and again say "cut it out."  then he grabbed my hands, jumped on top of me, and said "what's the matter? it will feel good."

dreams are strange in the sense that you get to watch yourself react or not react. i could see the fear in my eyes. i watched myself struggle and wrestle trying to get out from underneath his weight. i could hear myself pleading with this friend i've known and trusted.

he was able to pin me down with one hand and use the other hand to do as he pleased.  he laughed at my resistance and said, "you're not strong enough." even though i was thrashing around, telling him to stop, and fighting mercilessly, i was basically helpless.

he finally stopped and asked to just cuddle.  he wrapped his arms around me in a caring embrace, but i was rigid with fear. once he fell asleep i got out from his embrace and left.

____________________________________________________________

i woke up in a panic, sweating, and gasping for breath.  i still had my eighteen layers of clothes on, but i checked my wrists and legs for bruises anyhow.  there weren't any.  the fear i felt in my dream was real and carried through to the moment i opened my eyes.  i sat in my bed and cried, alone and scared.  i'm not even sure when i fell back to sleep, but i woke up with my alarm so i must have at some point.

this is the closest i have ever been to a scenario like this and it was absolutely terrifying. even more terrifying than i could have imagined.  i'm pretty sure those words "you're not strong enough" will send a chill down my spine anytime i hear them.