you're not strong enough...

have you ever had a dream that you woke up so terrified you checked your body just to make sure you are in one piece and unscathed?  there aren't too many things that i'm really afraid of: outliving my children is one, dolls is another, using a microphone is definitely up there, and being forced to have sex is near the top.  i don't think too often about outliving my children, but occasionally it crosses my mind especially if i am watching a movie with that plot.  i live with a scary doll, i don't ever disturb her, but i am always aware that she is in my attic.  i have had to use a microphone a couple of times in the past couple of months and it makes me want to vomit every time.  i don't usually put myself questionable positions where i could possibly be raped, but i had a dream about that very thing just the other night...

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it started off very normal.  i was hanging out with someone i knew, at their place, to watch a movie. we got settled on the couch, turned on the movie, and i promptly dozed off.

this is where dreams get weird, i don't know how i got there, but the next "scene" we were in his bed.  i was wearing a tank top and a pair of his boxers. 

we were just sleeping, he rolled over to cuddle, when his hands started wandering.  i told him to cut it out, but he kept on with his exploration.  i grabbed his hand and again say "cut it out."  then he grabbed my hands, jumped on top of me, and said "what's the matter? it will feel good."

dreams are strange in the sense that you get to watch yourself react or not react. i could see the fear in my eyes. i watched myself struggle and wrestle trying to get out from underneath his weight. i could hear myself pleading with this friend i've known and trusted.

he was able to pin me down with one hand and use the other hand to do as he pleased.  he laughed at my resistance and said, "you're not strong enough." even though i was thrashing around, telling him to stop, and fighting mercilessly, i was basically helpless.

he finally stopped and asked to just cuddle.  he wrapped his arms around me in a caring embrace, but i was rigid with fear. once he fell asleep i got out from his embrace and left.

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i woke up in a panic, sweating, and gasping for breath.  i still had my eighteen layers of clothes on, but i checked my wrists and legs for bruises anyhow.  there weren't any.  the fear i felt in my dream was real and carried through to the moment i opened my eyes.  i sat in my bed and cried, alone and scared.  i'm not even sure when i fell back to sleep, but i woke up with my alarm so i must have at some point.

this is the closest i have ever been to a scenario like this and it was absolutely terrifying. even more terrifying than i could have imagined.  i'm pretty sure those words "you're not strong enough" will send a chill down my spine anytime i hear them.