it has been a long time since i've jumped into something with two feet. really jumped in. stripped down with no hiding places. i've never been skinny dipping, no it is not on my bucket list, but jumping into a relationship this way was liberating and scary.
ah, you caught the "was" didn't you? sigh. for one glorious month, i was higher than cloud nine, but those eternally sunny skies turned gray and i started plummeting towards the ground. big risks either lead to big rewards or big failures, this was somewhere in the middle.
it is no secret that i have been on lots of dates. that sounds terrible, but i'm always hopeful that the right guy is just around corner. how are you supposed to know if you don't actually meet people, right? anyway, back to these dates, i have met nice men, handsome men, funny men, completely ridiculous men, and a handful of jackasses. there always seems to be something lacking. sometimes that isn't apparent the first or second meeting, but with enough conversation and face to face time it is generally me who puts an end to things.
anyway, what i wanted to talk about was what i learned from my latest escapade. although it didn't last long and i crashed hard, i am thankful for the experience.
i have had this looming feeling that there might not be the right guy out there for me. when you date and nothing really materializes you start to feel like something is seriously wrong with yourself. it was amazing to feel like i was exactly what he was looking for; that my baggage wasn't too heavy, that my kids weren't a burden, and that my silly quirk personality was perfect. that i was enough. it has been years since i have felt that way and i couldn't get enough of it.
i am generally a happy person. i almost always have a giant cheesy grin spread across my face. for that one month my happy was enhanced. it has been so long since i was around someone who made me feel like a teenager crushing on her first boyfriend. i felt like i was skipping everywhere. there are people in the world who never get to experience that kind of happy, i am thankful that for a short period of time i got to feel that way.
i learned that my kids should see me in a loving happy relationship and that they feed off that energy. yes, i introduced him to my kids. yes, that is really out of character for me, but it felt right. i have kept my kids miles away from any type of relationship i have entered for the past few years. they are getting older and i have wondered if shielding them is really in their best interest. this is not to say that i'm going to start bringing around random men, and maybe i did jump the gun just a bit introducing them to him, but maybe they are old enough to be apart of that part of my life. there is something beneficial about my kids seeing me with a man that enhances my happy.
meeting him and sharing my life with him has made me realize that i should keep an open mind and not get discouraged. it just wasn't the right time for him and i. i am hopeful that the right man is out there for me and that our paths just haven't crossed at the right time yet. for now, i get to employ my favorite hashtag #foreversingle.
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