i stumbled to my room, flopped down on my bed, and my eyes were wide open like a porcelain doll. does this ever happen to you? it drives me bananas when this happens. so, i picked up my book to read for a bit. next thing, i jolted awake with my light still on and my book tented across my chest. so i closed up my book, turned off my light, and closed my eyes. then they popped back open. i did this three or four times before really falling asleep.
somewhere in happy nappy land, J came to me in my dreams. i think of him every time i see the sun streaming through the clouds or watch the sun dip behind the mountains. J was always a voice of reason, a source of peacefulness, and had the uncanny ability to sneak in a quip just to lighten the mood. although i think of him frequently, my thoughts never include his face, it's more of a feeling. the last time i saw his face was through pictures at his memorial this past october.
like most dreams, the details are kind of fuzzy. i have no idea where i was or what i was doing, but a truck pulled up along side me, on a gravel road, and a familiar drawl said howdy. i don't recall what we talked about it was a dream. it could have been anything from armadillos to politics or armadillos as politicians. who knows? what i do know is that it was so nice to see his face and hear his voice.
i woke with a feeling of peace. when J was alive, and the couple of times we talked throughout the year, there was a revolving theme to our conversations.
peace
it seems so easy, but it is something i struggle with. i am a person who wants answers, hates unfinished business and will drive myself, and everyone else, crazy obsessing about it. J was someone who always had a ready ear. J never tried to solve any of my issues, he knew he couldn't, he just listened. once i was done complaining about the unjustice in my world, he would turn the conversation to the earth: the sun on your face, the grass between your toes, the sing song of a bird, the wisp of smoke from a campfire, or the howl of a coyote in the distance.
i miss being able to have those talks, but it seems like a cameo in my dream worked just as well. thank you J, it was nice to see you old friend.
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