mystery ahead...

it has been months since i have written anything.  i take that back, i write all the time, i simply haven't shared any of it.  lately my writing has been in the form of letters, with actual pen and paper, that never get sent, or papers that are read and graded by a professor i've never met in person, or entries in my private journal.

over the few years i have done this blogging thing, my need for blogging has changed.  when i first started blogging, i was smack dab in the middle of getting divorced.  my world was crazy, unpredictable, emotional, and uncomfortable.  i was having trouble making heads or tails of anything. the writing process was simply to make sense of everything swirling around in my head.  not only was i writing publicly, but i started a musing of the last 15 years.  60 pages in and i had to put it down.  i've picked it up a few times, but i'm never satisfied with how the story unfolds and truthfully it is hard to read.  maybe someday i will pick it back up and turn it into a masterpiece?

then the next phase of blogging started.  for almost a year i was a prolific poster. blogging left and right about the craziness i call "flo's life." this phase included everything and the kitchen sink: mommy failures, dating adventures, time spent with my friends, and a run down of new things from restaurants to experiences. during this time of my life i was very revealing.  regardless of whether i struggled or triumphed, i put it all out there.  part of that journey was being accountable.  i figured if i put everything out there i would have to be that same person virtually and in real life.  this is not to say that i was being fake virtually or in real life, it simply means that i was being as real, honest and transparent as possible.

although i don't regret living my life that way.  during this time i grew so much as a person, discovering who i really am and what i really want out of life, but i also discovered that there are definite downsides to being so transparent.  for one, i deprived someone new the opportunity to discover what i am all about in person. a savvy somebody can simply jump online and study everything there is to know about me over the last five years. that somebody then comes to the table with a list of questions that you wouldn't typically get to until one week, two weeks, or months later.

the other downside is i've lost people in my life over things i have said.  again, i don't regret anything i've shared.  every experience, every post, every emotion was impactful to me at the time.  i have however learned to wait until i've had a chance to simmer down and gain some perspective before sharing.  this growth has minimized the uncomfortable in person conversations with friends and family. i have never shared something in an attempt to intentionally hurt someone else, but i know i have hurt people in the process and i am sorry.

we jump to present time and i have a completely different need in regards to blogging.  i'm craving some mystery. i no longer have this need to feel accountable to me.  nor do i have this pressing need to organize the thoughts in my head.  i just want to experience life with the people i experience it with.  i'm not really sure where that leaves me in terms of blogging, but for now it means that i will be pretty quiet.

thank you for sharing in the process.