back burner...

i'm beginning to think that my "don't-bother-meter" is seriously off kilter.  i am going to go so far as to say my meter is in need of some serious recalibration and has been for, oh let's say....forever!  anyway, sometimes i just can't let things go and i have to know what the f*#k is up.  i had me one of those moments the other day.  my moment happened in the form of an email, it wasn't nasty, accusatory, or insensitive, i simply wanted clarity.  in a nutshell this was the answer...


 I put my work first, friends second and relationships on the back burner.

 

this would've been nice information to know from the get go.  you might be saying, "maybe you should've asked more questions."  well i did, i asked before even meeting this human.  i can guarantee you there was no mention that a relationship was on the back burner indefinitely.   if i had known i wouldn't have bothered in the first place, or at the very least said, "hey, thanks anyway, but i'm looking for something different".

 

i have had a certain conversation about intention with several men and women and i still don't understand why it is so hard to just be honest about what your intentions are.  here is a list of possible intentions, but there are so many more you could rattle off;

 

• i'm just looking for someone to screw
• i'm just looking for a distraction to get over my ex
• i need a woman to be my date for functions
• i want a girlfriend
• i want to get married
• i need new friends, don't even care what you look like

 

it seems so easy to me to be clear about what you are looking for, so why say something else?  yes, i'm looking for an answer better than, "to get you into bed".

i think the goal in dating is to learn something.  dating seems to be a never ending process of narrowing down exactly what you are looking for.  i learned that i now have an additional topic to bring up.  i haven't quite figured out how i will seamlessly ease this into the basic get-to-know-you conversation, but maybe i could make it into a game?

how about this?  if things are going well and i am interested in a second date i could whip out some cards (work, friends, relationship, family, sex, faith) and ask him to put them in order of most to least important.  scratch that, that is a terrible idea.  however, if we just had this brief conversation and relationship is at the end of his list, i will know not to entertain the second date and immediately friend zone him. 

baseball, burgers and beer...

america's favorite pastime.  really?  i find baseball to be a total snoozefest, especially on television.  i find golf more interesting to watch than baseball on television.  so, how did a gal who doesn't really like baseball find herself in the second row right at first base?  i was invited that's how. 

as soon as i accepted the invitation i was worried.  things seem to happen to me.  i had this image that i was going to be sitting in my seat, minding my own business, chatting up my friend who brought me to the game, when out of nowhere a ball strikes me in the face.  i would be doubled over in pain, holding my bloody face and wouldn't you know it some yahoo is filming it on his iphone and has the footage posted to you tube before the bleeding stops.  it really would be just my luck.

i shared my concerns on the way to the game.  i was promised that my fears would not come to fruition, although i wasn't completely convinced.  we made our way down to our seat, walking farther and farther down into the stadium towards the field.  holy crap!  second row is so close.  you can hear the thoughts in the baseman's head, smell the dirt, and feel the rush as a ball flies by.  it was really cool.  thankfully i made it through the game unscathed.  

after the game was a fireworks show.  i missed watching fireworks this year, i was busy getting ready for a camping soccer tournament the following day.  so this was great.  a lackluster ball game, unless you were a fan for the visiting team, followed up by fireworks.  could this evening get any better?  well as a matter of fact it did.

we left the game starving.  if you are familiar with "event food", you know that the vendors rape your pockets, so we opted to have a customary beverage during the game but held off on food until afterwards.  our late night hunger pains brought us to dick's burgers.  unlike most seattle natives, i had never had a dick's burger.  uh, let's just say i'm glad there isn't one close by because for $1.50 you can't get a better burger.  it was delicious i could've eaten three but i went for the lady like one burger.  next time it will be a different story.

for a nightcap, we found ourselves at the lodge.  i had never been here either.  are you noticing a theme?  i don't get out to new places very often, i'm kind of a stick to what you know type of gal.  anyway, being a beer gal i had a hard time deciding on one from the 35 they have on tap.  i am a sucker for kitschy names and will often times pick something just because i like the name.  this was definitely the case or it might have been because it was so late i was delirious. 

note the time!

see which beer i picked?  the name made me giggle and we had just come from dick's burgers, it seemed fitting.  the best part about this beer, is that it is a brown ale, my favorite. 

so there you have it.  i sat in the second row of the mariner game and didn't get hit with a ball.  i am no longer a dick's burger virgin nor do i plan on becoming a dick's burger whore, but they are tasty.  i found myself at a new bar and had a delicious beer.  the best part, i spent the whole night with a super fun friend.  nobody speaks latin anymore, but if we did i would've said "veni, vidi, vici" at the end of the night.  instead i said the all so boring, "thank you".

right for right now...

sometimes i feel like i meet the "right" person at the wrong time.   which i suppose ultimately means they aren't the "right" person forever, but maybe just for that time in life.  

my plate is full.  i am a full time mother running my kids all over tarnation.  i work outside the home four days a week.  i have a full social schedule.  i am also in the process of registering for school for me.  my "free time" is pretty much nil, at best a few hours a week.  this doesn't leave me with much time to nurture a new relationship of any kind, let alone a romantic relationship.  however, a romantic relationship is something i crave.

 is it okay to be involved with someone just to fill the void?  

 

i have always thought no.  why devote your free time to someone when you know it isn't going anywhere?  i'm not getting any younger and i would really like to start the next chapter of my life with someone, but damn it's lonely.

which brings me to D.  i really did enjoy every single second i spent with him, however we are wanting different things, living on different planes and there was no indication that our continuums would ever meet.  i was finding myself frustrated.  through the frustration my interactions, when they weren't what i was wanting, were becoming short, curt, and miffed.  this is not exactly the feelings or reactions i wish to have towards someone, which is why i told him this wasn't working for me.  wouldn't you know it that's the last i've heard from him. 

here's the thing about filling the void with a just for right now, it makes the void seem even bigger.  when there's no future there's no reason to share or get to know each other better.  there's no real connection.  my official opinion is this...tying up your time with someone you don't foresee a future with makes you unavailable, blind and shut off to the right person at the right time. 

in hot water...

i recently fell in to some hot water with my beloved friends.  i was sitting with two of my closest friends, just chewing the fat when "i need some clarity on one of your blog posts" floated across the open space between us.  oh crap.  my mind started flipping through recent posts, just like you would flip through a rolodex.  i met the eyes of my friends with a genuinely confused expression.  i had no clue what they were referring to, but from the looks on their faces they weren't super pleased with me.

it isn't very often that i have a face to face discussion, conversation, saving face session, with anything i put out there.  the beauty and downfall of blogging is that i am having conversations with myself.  while i am clearing my head so i don't go crazy i sometimes inadvertently strike a nerve with others because there is no opportunity for clarification and oodles of opportunity for interpretation.

alright flo, swallow the enormous lump in your throat and face the music.

 

i fielded their questions and gingerly skirted around trying not to dig myself a bigger hole.  i'm a wobbly mess when i'm put on the spot.  my voice is shaky, i often times cry for no apparent reason, i start to sweat like crazy from every pore on my body and i'm sure i get some sort of nervous tic that i don't even recognize is occurring.

 

here's the deal, i absolutely adore my friends.  they are my saving grace at the end of each and every day.  i hate that i made them feel wrong or negatively about being my friend, asking questions and giving me advice when i ask for it.  although we worked this out in person i still felt that i should point the finger at myself for being an ass.

 

there is a quote that comes to mind:

 

be who you are and say what you feel

because those who mind don't matter

and those who matter don't mind

 

well maybe they mind a little bit. *wink*

brephophagist...

brephophagist:

 

1. a noodle soup analyst
2. one who eats babies

3. one who studies phalanges

do you know the right answer? 

 

once a year i spend a weekend in stitches.  not the kind of stitches that require a physician to sew up a gaping wound.  more along the line of stitches that give your abs a workout, that make you look like you have a hangar in your mouth and the sounds of chortling echo through the hills.   our annual trip brought us to a great little house just outside of leavenworth, nestled up along some river (i have no idea which one).

just a couple of shots

most of the shenanigans are not able to be shared. 

  

thank you mammas for a great weekend! 

 

oh, a brephophagist is one who eats babies. 

thank you balderdash for expanding my trivia knowledge with this gem.  

what are we...

have you ever been in a relationship like this?  i'm sure the person who called what you were doing together, didn't call it a relationship, but as far as i am concerned any time you spend with another human is a relationship of some sort. 

we are a people with an incessant need to label everything.  we label the rooms we are in with silly signs that tell us what do in them.  we label people by class, color, achievements, disorders, and any other cotton pickin' thing you can think of.  we label our food with warning labels, nutrition facts, and slogans to make us want them.  we also label what kind of relationship we are in; marriage, business, friends (with the subcategories of acquaintance, close, bosom, f+#* buddy, etc.), parent/child, teacher/student really the lists could go on and on.

this "friends with benefits" label on a relationship is one i have heard of, i've even watched the movie (which was funny), but it is not really a relationship that i have ever wanted to be in.  it seems to me that you are telling this person you are enough to be intimate with but not really what i am looking for long term.  ouch, that is harsh.

so what do you do if you aren't looking for that type of arrangement but somehow you think you've found yourself smack dab in the middle of one? 

• say, "hold up sir, you want a piece of this, it's time to pony up"?
• keep seeing each other, let's face it the benefits are good, but keep your options open?
• cut your losses and get some extra batteries?
•  keep seeing each other in hopes that over time you will both realize there is something more than a physical connection?

like always, i have no answers just questions.  i know which way i lean, but i don't fit nicely in any category.  my alter ego picks option a, but i'm not that forward.  the intimate side of me picks option b, for obvious reasons.  my head picks option c because i get too attached and really struggle with separating my head and my heart.  speaking of my heart, it picks option d for one reason, timing is everything and maybe this is the right guy but the wrong time.

or maybe it is simply this labeling makes things official.  sometimes the label is scary.

is the grass greener...

recently i asked for a topic to write about.  sometimes i draw a blank.  getting some direction is helpful, but can be harder than when inspiration smacks you in the face.  often times when i have an idea i can whip out several paragraphs, kind of like a rough draft, then i go back to tweak, add some humor (if it calls for it), use a thesaurus (to sound a little smarter than i am), read and reread until i am satisfied.  other times i have an idea, throw down a couple of sentences but find there is nothing left to say about it.  sometimes those ideas are finished at a much later time but most of the time they are round filed.  without further ado, here is the suggestion i decided to roll with:

is the grass greener on the other side?

 

i don't think so.

i think the grass is greenest where you water it. 

 

have you ever tried growing grass from seed?  it isn't as easy as throwing some seed on the ground and watering it.  you have to prepare the ground, then seed, water, water, and water some more.  you have to make sure that nobody tramples, eats, or craps on your new life.  sometimes it comes in patchy and you have to work a little harder to get that area to grow.  once your lush grass has rooted then comes the hardest part keeping it alive and healthy with very few weeds.

 

can you see the similarities between grass and relationships? 

 

i'm going to do a whole lot of calling the kettle black  seeing as how i did not do these things in my marriage, but i have learned a whole lot so i can do things differently in the future. 

 

i think that there are always going to be outside temptations.  there is always going to be someone who is more attractive than your mate.  someone who may have more in common with you.  someone who has greater means.  someone who may challenge you more.  tons and tons of temptations.  the flip side of this is that all those same temptations are there for your partner yet they have still chosen you.

 

relationships take constant care; watering, weeding, fertilizing, and mowing. 

 

watering:  to me this is the daily interactions with your partner.  the day to day comings and goings that are essential to building a life together.  the coordinating of schedules, the dreaded what's for dinner? conversations, the catching up about your days, the daily physical connections (yes i said daily and i mean it) and of course the disagreements over the piddly things.

 

weeding:  this is getting rid of the temptations, like those nasty dandelions that take root in the middle of the yard.  there is no way to avoid them, but you can remove them as they come up.  there is more to weeding than just removing.  this is an opportunity to understand why you are succumbing to the lure and find a way to fill that need in your current relationship.

 

fertilizing:  this is the unexpected and extra boost to keep the excitement alive.  it is imperative to step outside of the daily routine and be spontaneous.  experience life instead of watching it.  it is so much better to experience life when you have someone to turn to and say "wasn't that fun?".  trust me, i'm becoming an expert at living alone.  i still turn my head and say the phrase but nobody answers back. sigh

 

mowing:  this could be the weekly time you set aside to reconnect.  it seems like the healthiest, longest lasting relationships are the ones where the couple still dates.  you don't have to leave the house to date, just check out the dating divas for some great ideas for at home dates.  my point is, before you are committed couple you spend oodles amount of time "entertaining" each other.  why in the world should that end just because you got your hooks in them forever? i don't think it does, i think you should continue to date each other.  

 

so there we go.  no i don't think the grass is greener somewhere else.  it may appear greener, much like an oasis in the dessert, but often times once you are in it, it ends up being similar to the grass you left.  all relationships have their ups and downs, their lefts and rights, the forwards and backwards, but i sincerely feel that if you truly love the person you are with and nurture that relationship, you will be successful. 

 

oh there is one variable, your partner has to want to the same thing.  if they don't you're screwed and there isn't anything you can do about it.