ease of singlehood...

i am really comfortable, again, with my single life.  i say again because i have been here before.  it's been a while, but it is nice to be here again.  these last few months i've been in a tumultuous relationship with myself.  funny how you can grasp the ease of singlehood, watch it disappear in a blink of an eye when someone enters your life, and then struggle to get to that point of ease again.

i think there are stages of singlehood from the newly single person to the seasoned single person.  i am probably in the teen stage of singlehood quickly approaching adult singlehood.  i can tell when i am not okay with being single.  i have this overwhelming need to put myself out there.  there are several things that i consistently do.

1.   i stalk the dating websites.  i constantly check to see who has viewed my profile? do i have any new messages? did someone cyber wink at me?  and of course read countless profiles.  it is simply ridiculous how i obsess about it.  i tell myself to simmer down and not be so eager beaver, but i can't.  i convince myself that someone on there will be so overwhelmed with my fabulousness that they can't resist me and i don't want to miss it.  pathetic!  you don't have to tell me i already know.

2.  i am always dressed, ready to meet mr. right forever.  make up is always done, hair is always quaffed, clothes are ironed, de-linted and spectacular.  i don't go anywhere in my sweats, even my cute sweat outfit that i don't dare sweat in.  it is totally stupid, but i am ready.  i like being dressed, but the first thing i do when i get home is put on my tired cozy clothes because that is what i am most comfortable in.

3.  i find myself wandering.  i go to bars (i really don't want to meet someone in a bar), i go sit at the beach (all perfectly dressed), i wander stores, i will sit at a coffee shop looking all stupid by myself constantly checking my phone.

this is the uncomfortable being single heather.  being this heather means that i am desperate, convinced that i will be single forever, impatient, and on the prowl.  this is super unattractive and as much as i think i am hiding my insecurity, i might as well be walking around with a billboard attached to my head....SAVE ME FROM MYSELF, I'M A HOT MESS, complete with the flashing lights.

like i said i have moved to the enjoying my single life heather.  what does that  mean?  it really just means that i am comfortable spending a day from waking up in my cozy bed to climbing back into that cozy bed with just me.  i am a very social person by nature, which usually means that by 10:30AM i am starving for interaction with another human and by 3:00PM i'm certifiably stir crazy.  so you can kind of understand the significance of being totally okay with my own company. 

this is not to suggest that i don't still want a companion, because i do, but i am not desperate to find him.  i don't spend time on any website searching for that elusive man.  i am less concerned with my outward appearance and wear my pretty sweats to the store without make up and my hair in a pony.  i fill my time with people and things that make me happy.  i spend countless hours in my kitchen (which may be the reason my fat pants are tight) whipping up special goodies for my kids.  i sit at my kitchen table putting together a puzzle with some good tunes and a beer (maybe another reason why my fat pants are tight). 

it feels good to be comfortable.

breaking news...

how many of you scan the tabloids at the check out?  guilty.  i rarely get past the cover, unless i am at walmart which always seems to take years to check out.  anyone ever notice that?  besides i usually have my ratchets with me and i am desperately trying to corral them to our lane without them touching the gum, candy bars, and cheap toys that someone cleverly planted at the register knowing you will probably get your children anything just to get them to be quiet and behave. 

at a glance of the cover you can see which celebrity is a cheater?  what famous couple is getting divorced?  what unlikely couple is getting hitched?  who has cellulite on their thighs?  why this is news i am not sure, i do and nobody is plastering my picture on the cover of a magazine.  who has an addiction that nobody knew about?  we love a scandal. 

as long as it isn't your life, right? could you imagine if your town had their own version of the who's, what's, where's happening right in your backyard?  not the regular news people, but a hometown tabloid.  would you be more or less interested in your average joe and his personal scandal?  if your scandal made the cover would you move to a new town?  or would you hold your head high and say when you're perfect then you can judge me? 

i obviously choose to share my scandal.  i actively post my life on facebook and write this silly blog sharing random tidbits about me.  i challenge you to judge me.  put me on the cover, i will help with the title.  make a billboard of my cellulite thighs, i will even pose for the picture.  you want a two page expose?  i will gladly give you the material, you can even take it out of context.

i wonder if we were all more open about our failures and poor choices would those occurrences seem less scandalous?  or would we become so immune to the shock that we wouldn't bat an eye?  would we be more likely to look down on that person for being such an idiot?  or would we commend them for owning up to their mistakes and being real?

clearly i don't know the answers.  i share what i am comfortable with and only because it feels right to me.  i recognize that there will always be backlash, but i feel it is better than parading around as someone i am not.  i've decided that on this journey through life i am not going to bury my head and be afraid of the repercussions for my choices. 

attention whore...

i am going to make a blanket statement about women, but i don't think i am too far off.  i happen to have first hand knowledge seeing as how i am a woman.  women are attention whores.  ladies before you get all batshit crazy on me just hear me out.  i think that females; married, single, young, old, shy, boisterous, black, white or purple need, desire and crave affirmation.  affirmation that they are beautiful, desirable and wanted.  this isn't necessarily a bad thing. unless of course you are a married woman seeking out attention from all the tom, dick, and harrys. 

there is a common theme i hear from my single guy friends she seems into me, but then just disappears.  i really have no good answer to this except that women like the attention and often times don't really care where it is coming from.  a good majority of women, will accept the flattery and play along until the next guy, that captures their attention just a little more, comes along.  crummy?  absolutely, women can be very cavalier in their behavior, especially single women.

i am absolutely no exception.  a random compliment from a man is always appreciated.   there is something about catching the eye of a fella that makes me think heather, you've still got it.  those of you who know me well, know that i don't see anything spectacular about myself, i'm just the girl next door.  i'm not a christy turlington or a marilyn monroe, i'm heather bartlett somewhere in between troll and goddess.  however, as nice as the flattery is, i would prefer to be the recipient of excessive attention from just one man.  i don't need a entourage of admirers, just one. 

for the dating men and women i think we are looking for someone to WOW us.  i am not convinced that there is the exact right person, but i do think that there is a man who will meet 99.9% of the attributes that are important to me.  clearly you won't know if you've met the right person unless you interact with them, but ladies if you aren't into the guy let him know so he stops wasting his time trying to woo you.

in an effort to spread the love, the single men are just as bad as the single ladies.  i have another dating story to tell.  a couple weeks ago i went out on a date with a man.  he was charming, good conversation and kept my attention.  wasn't anything spectacular but nice.  came to the end of our evening and he kissed me.  now before i go any farther, you should know that i don't pass out kisses.  i haven't pressed my lips to another mans (except for my dad and my little man ash) since matt and i broke up.  well, this was more than a nice to meet you kiss, this was more like i'm still hungry and i'm going to retrieve your dinner kiss.  holy tongue batman.  i haven't seen him since, guess i didn't quite meet his standards in the kissing department.  *wink*

expose yourself...

You don't write songs, but you write word, you open up your feelings, exposing them to the world, and you don''t know how they will be accepted, but you do it to release them from inside you so you can not let them eat you up. It takes a lot of guts to do that and really it takes enough security on your part to let them go, whether you think you are strong or not I believe you are because most people can't lay themselves open like that for all to examine. 

sometimes i get the most amazing messages. i have said that i wish i could view myself through someone elses eyes. i think that this is one way i get to see.  thank you for sharing this with me.

i wholeheartedly believe that everyone i meet has something valuable to share with me or me with them.  i am not sure i share anything of much value, but occasionally i have a gem worth cataloging.  i truly love hearing people's stories and life experiences.  i am always so honored to have earned someones trust to let their guard down and be vulnerable.  for the record, i can keep things to myself (and my journal). 

i think the key to personal growth is to listen, to share, to be vulnerable.  be willing to make mistakes (some of them may be huge) and learn from them.  take risks, i am not so good at this, but i suppose dating is risky in and of itself.   i hope that i never know myself completely.  that i will continue to grow and discover more facets of me. 

expose your true self.  sometimes the hardest person to really see is ourselves. 

anatomy of my affair....

i am at a point where i can talk openly about a topic that i have until recently skirted.  i wasn't exactly aware i was ready for this until the words popped out of my mouth, when i had my affair.  which i quickly followed up with look how much i've grown? i'm openly admitting it.   there is that saying the truth will set you free, well i am ready to be free of the emotional guilt that goes along with having an affair.

so i guess i should start at the beginning.  my marriage for lack of a better word was a train wreck.  it was very dysfunctional and i was an active participant in the dysfunction.  for the record, being in a dysfunctional relationship is NOT a free pass to stray.  i know that.  i knew that.  i consciously chose to abandon my morals, standards, and beliefs and pursue the feeling.

good morning sunshine. 

every morning this came through on my phone.  it didn't come from my husband.  it came from my obsession.  i say obsession, because that is how it felt.  i was addicted to the feelings associated with the adoration i was receiving from another man.  i couldn't get enough of it.  i wanted to hear those three words every morning for the rest of my life.  i was convinced that i would never tire of them and that my life would be perfect if i was with the man who was making me so happy.  my day started and ended with him. 

during this time i was a horrible person.  i lied.  i lied a lot. i lied to my friends, to my husband, to my kids, to my family, to myself.  the only person i was the most honest with was the man i was involved with.  he knew my story inside and out.  i hid things; my phone, opened a new email account, padded how long it would take me to get errands done.  i didn't recognize myself, i was doing things that i would never have considered were within the realm of me.  i didn't like the things i was doing, but i felt the pay off (having this man adore me) was worth it.  i rationalized that it wouldn't be forever, at some point i would be honest about the situation, we would be together and it would all work out.

emotionally i was completely lost in him.  i had been asked by my closest friends and my family to stop.  fix or figure out your marriage first.  if he is still there afterwards then it was meant to be.  i guffawed and plunged forward.  i thought they were stupid.  they had no idea how dreadful my married life was or how incredible my affair life was.  what made them think they could judge my life without having all the details? details i wasn't willing to share.  i was very selfish during this time.

then came the day i actually crossed the physical line.  i had to drive a fair distance to get to his house.  the entire drive there i kept asking myself are you sure you want to to do this?  i stopped at the grocery store bought a bottle of wine and drank the entire thing, straight from the bottle, in my car still weighing whether this was what i really wanted.  i decided yes. 

then came the next day.  i hid in my closet with the lights out and sobbed.  i had done something i could never take back.  i was hurting people.  my actions were going to hurt more people.  i had consciously started a chain of events that was like an out of control freighter.

a short time later he ended things.  i was devastated.  my whole world was shattered.  i was in the middle of a complicated divorce, i had just been dumped and everything i knew was different.  i couldn't find a silver lining to save my life.  i cried a lot during this time. 

i have always been of the belief that things happen for a reason.  this period of my life is no different.  i was trapped in a marriage with no way out.  i didn't believe that i could make it on my own, that i was worthy of happiness, that i could live my life differently.  then along came a man who awakened a confidence in myself that i had lost.  i want to be really clear that i should have gone about things differently.  i should have been stronger and resisted or at the very least waited until i was divorced.  i "should've" a lot, but i didn't. 

fast forward to today.  part of letting go is admitting that fault.  i was wrong.  some people will choose to think differently about me, and i am prepared for that.  i am not perfect, never claimed to be and honestly i don't even strive to be.  i am me.  beautifully flawed me.

february, barf...

we have entered my least favorite month of the year, february.  i wish i liked this month and maybe someday i will, but for now i loath february.  i was ranting about this last year commercialized love and i still feel the same way, but i don't think i'm as fired up about it this year.  unfortunately this month really reminds those of us in search of our forever love that we still haven't found it.  sigh.

there are tons of things to like about this month.  maybe if i focus on my top ten i will have a better attitude about february.

1.  flowers.  i love flowers, although i hate gardening.  i wish all the forced greenhouse flowers smelled as lovely as they do fresh from a garden.  however, they still look beautiful and that makes me giddy.

2.  pink.  this color is usually associated with february and i love pink.  more people should wear the color, it makes your skin look healthy.  my colors are blush and bashful  this is one of the best movie lines about the color pink.

3.  chocolate.  oh my goodness who doesn't love chocolate?  i like all chocolate.  in order from least to best; white, dark, milk.  sorry dark chocolate fans i really like milk chocolate.  i especially like milk chocolate with caramel.  heaven.

4.  lingerie.  i have a secret obsession with lingerie.  i guess it isn't so secret anymore.  anyway, there is something seductive, sexy and intriguing about lingerie.  let's face it, the lingerie out this month is over the top gorgeous. 

5.  couples.  for some reason i seem to notice more lovey dovey couples.  my first reaction is barf, but that is probably because i am jealous and want that for myself. 

6.  hearts.  i like the heart symbol, but not so much in jewelry.  i have contemplated getting a tattoo that would incorporate a heart.  i am kind of digging the white ink thing in an obscure place. 

so i really wanted to come up with ten things to love about february, but i can only think of six.  not sure how i failed at this task, except i just can't find that many things to love and possibly i am a little bitter.

valentine's day lands on a tuesday, my favorite day of the week.  i will be spending the day at school with my kids and maybe we will have heart shaped food for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  after my cherubs retire for the evening i will attempt to incorporate the six things i love about february.

a walk...

to all my fellow daydreamers.

it is a chilly sunny day.  i am going to meet my love for a walk.  we both pull up at the same time and our eyes meet.  his face lights up at the sight of mine.  a smile spreads across my face.  he envelopes me in a hug and our lips press together.  i take his hand and we walk.  we don't have to exchange words to hear each other's thoughts.  we walk quietly only hearing our footsteps fall on the pavement.  he grips my hand a little and i meet his eye.  we stop, embrace and share another kiss. 

wish this is how i was spending my friday afternoon.