my mr. big...

are there any sex and the city fans out there?  my hand is raised and i'm jumping up and down shouting, "i am! i am!".  i watched the whole series and i own the two movies.  i haven't delved into the carrie diaries but that is okay because what i am going to talk about today has to do with the adult carrie. 

if you are a fan of the show you know the love story that unfolded between carrie and mr. big.  it wasn't easy.  throughout the television show they got together, they broke up, they saw other people, but ultimately they wound up together.  they had to go through a whole lot of crap before they finally got it right.

i have a friend, a man friend, in my life like this.  he has been my best man friend, the cause of much heartache, the reason for a huge smile, conversations in the middle of the night, my shoulder to cry on, i would like to give him credit for my stellar abs because he makes me laugh harder than anyone i've ever met, and someone i can count on. 

i can go through the last three years of blogging and pull out dozens of posts where i reference him.  where i share our adventures.  where i complain about him.  where i have hurt him.  where i have put him on a pedestal.  where i have reveled in his friendship.  where i have wanted nothing more than to fix things.  where i have loved him.

there are times when i wonder if he will be my mr. big?  are all of our ups and downs, starts and stops, love and hate just part of our journey that we must travel before we can do it right?  or maybe all of the turmoil is a neon sign that is supposed to tell us that we aren't supposed to be?  i still haven't figured that out.

he is the only person i don't know how to ignore.  the only person i never forget.  the only person i dream about.  the only person i plan an imaginary life with.  the only person i feel truly knows who i am and sees through all the bullshit.  the only person i have truly loved. 

love stories in real life rarely mimic scripted love stories in the movies.  but i can't help compare my love story, which remains to be seen if that is what it is, with carrie and mr. big's story.  as i have said over and over again about this man, i am forever grateful for him.  my life would have a huge hole to fill without him.  regardless of what stage we are in, the on or the off, he always occupies a place in my heart.

back burner...

i'm beginning to think that my "don't-bother-meter" is seriously off kilter.  i am going to go so far as to say my meter is in need of some serious recalibration and has been for, oh let's say....forever!  anyway, sometimes i just can't let things go and i have to know what the f*#k is up.  i had me one of those moments the other day.  my moment happened in the form of an email, it wasn't nasty, accusatory, or insensitive, i simply wanted clarity.  in a nutshell this was the answer...


 I put my work first, friends second and relationships on the back burner.

 

this would've been nice information to know from the get go.  you might be saying, "maybe you should've asked more questions."  well i did, i asked before even meeting this human.  i can guarantee you there was no mention that a relationship was on the back burner indefinitely.   if i had known i wouldn't have bothered in the first place, or at the very least said, "hey, thanks anyway, but i'm looking for something different".

 

i have had a certain conversation about intention with several men and women and i still don't understand why it is so hard to just be honest about what your intentions are.  here is a list of possible intentions, but there are so many more you could rattle off;

 

• i'm just looking for someone to screw
• i'm just looking for a distraction to get over my ex
• i need a woman to be my date for functions
• i want a girlfriend
• i want to get married
• i need new friends, don't even care what you look like

 

it seems so easy to me to be clear about what you are looking for, so why say something else?  yes, i'm looking for an answer better than, "to get you into bed".

i think the goal in dating is to learn something.  dating seems to be a never ending process of narrowing down exactly what you are looking for.  i learned that i now have an additional topic to bring up.  i haven't quite figured out how i will seamlessly ease this into the basic get-to-know-you conversation, but maybe i could make it into a game?

how about this?  if things are going well and i am interested in a second date i could whip out some cards (work, friends, relationship, family, sex, faith) and ask him to put them in order of most to least important.  scratch that, that is a terrible idea.  however, if we just had this brief conversation and relationship is at the end of his list, i will know not to entertain the second date and immediately friend zone him. 

baseball, burgers and beer...

america's favorite pastime.  really?  i find baseball to be a total snoozefest, especially on television.  i find golf more interesting to watch than baseball on television.  so, how did a gal who doesn't really like baseball find herself in the second row right at first base?  i was invited that's how. 

as soon as i accepted the invitation i was worried.  things seem to happen to me.  i had this image that i was going to be sitting in my seat, minding my own business, chatting up my friend who brought me to the game, when out of nowhere a ball strikes me in the face.  i would be doubled over in pain, holding my bloody face and wouldn't you know it some yahoo is filming it on his iphone and has the footage posted to you tube before the bleeding stops.  it really would be just my luck.

i shared my concerns on the way to the game.  i was promised that my fears would not come to fruition, although i wasn't completely convinced.  we made our way down to our seat, walking farther and farther down into the stadium towards the field.  holy crap!  second row is so close.  you can hear the thoughts in the baseman's head, smell the dirt, and feel the rush as a ball flies by.  it was really cool.  thankfully i made it through the game unscathed.  

after the game was a fireworks show.  i missed watching fireworks this year, i was busy getting ready for a camping soccer tournament the following day.  so this was great.  a lackluster ball game, unless you were a fan for the visiting team, followed up by fireworks.  could this evening get any better?  well as a matter of fact it did.

we left the game starving.  if you are familiar with "event food", you know that the vendors rape your pockets, so we opted to have a customary beverage during the game but held off on food until afterwards.  our late night hunger pains brought us to dick's burgers.  unlike most seattle natives, i had never had a dick's burger.  uh, let's just say i'm glad there isn't one close by because for $1.50 you can't get a better burger.  it was delicious i could've eaten three but i went for the lady like one burger.  next time it will be a different story.

for a nightcap, we found ourselves at the lodge.  i had never been here either.  are you noticing a theme?  i don't get out to new places very often, i'm kind of a stick to what you know type of gal.  anyway, being a beer gal i had a hard time deciding on one from the 35 they have on tap.  i am a sucker for kitschy names and will often times pick something just because i like the name.  this was definitely the case or it might have been because it was so late i was delirious. 

note the time!

see which beer i picked?  the name made me giggle and we had just come from dick's burgers, it seemed fitting.  the best part about this beer, is that it is a brown ale, my favorite. 

so there you have it.  i sat in the second row of the mariner game and didn't get hit with a ball.  i am no longer a dick's burger virgin nor do i plan on becoming a dick's burger whore, but they are tasty.  i found myself at a new bar and had a delicious beer.  the best part, i spent the whole night with a super fun friend.  nobody speaks latin anymore, but if we did i would've said "veni, vidi, vici" at the end of the night.  instead i said the all so boring, "thank you".

right for right now...

sometimes i feel like i meet the "right" person at the wrong time.   which i suppose ultimately means they aren't the "right" person forever, but maybe just for that time in life.  

my plate is full.  i am a full time mother running my kids all over tarnation.  i work outside the home four days a week.  i have a full social schedule.  i am also in the process of registering for school for me.  my "free time" is pretty much nil, at best a few hours a week.  this doesn't leave me with much time to nurture a new relationship of any kind, let alone a romantic relationship.  however, a romantic relationship is something i crave.

 is it okay to be involved with someone just to fill the void?  

 

i have always thought no.  why devote your free time to someone when you know it isn't going anywhere?  i'm not getting any younger and i would really like to start the next chapter of my life with someone, but damn it's lonely.

which brings me to D.  i really did enjoy every single second i spent with him, however we are wanting different things, living on different planes and there was no indication that our continuums would ever meet.  i was finding myself frustrated.  through the frustration my interactions, when they weren't what i was wanting, were becoming short, curt, and miffed.  this is not exactly the feelings or reactions i wish to have towards someone, which is why i told him this wasn't working for me.  wouldn't you know it that's the last i've heard from him. 

here's the thing about filling the void with a just for right now, it makes the void seem even bigger.  when there's no future there's no reason to share or get to know each other better.  there's no real connection.  my official opinion is this...tying up your time with someone you don't foresee a future with makes you unavailable, blind and shut off to the right person at the right time. 

in hot water...

i recently fell in to some hot water with my beloved friends.  i was sitting with two of my closest friends, just chewing the fat when "i need some clarity on one of your blog posts" floated across the open space between us.  oh crap.  my mind started flipping through recent posts, just like you would flip through a rolodex.  i met the eyes of my friends with a genuinely confused expression.  i had no clue what they were referring to, but from the looks on their faces they weren't super pleased with me.

it isn't very often that i have a face to face discussion, conversation, saving face session, with anything i put out there.  the beauty and downfall of blogging is that i am having conversations with myself.  while i am clearing my head so i don't go crazy i sometimes inadvertently strike a nerve with others because there is no opportunity for clarification and oodles of opportunity for interpretation.

alright flo, swallow the enormous lump in your throat and face the music.

 

i fielded their questions and gingerly skirted around trying not to dig myself a bigger hole.  i'm a wobbly mess when i'm put on the spot.  my voice is shaky, i often times cry for no apparent reason, i start to sweat like crazy from every pore on my body and i'm sure i get some sort of nervous tic that i don't even recognize is occurring.

 

here's the deal, i absolutely adore my friends.  they are my saving grace at the end of each and every day.  i hate that i made them feel wrong or negatively about being my friend, asking questions and giving me advice when i ask for it.  although we worked this out in person i still felt that i should point the finger at myself for being an ass.

 

there is a quote that comes to mind:

 

be who you are and say what you feel

because those who mind don't matter

and those who matter don't mind

 

well maybe they mind a little bit. *wink*

brephophagist...

brephophagist:

 

1. a noodle soup analyst
2. one who eats babies

3. one who studies phalanges

do you know the right answer? 

 

once a year i spend a weekend in stitches.  not the kind of stitches that require a physician to sew up a gaping wound.  more along the line of stitches that give your abs a workout, that make you look like you have a hangar in your mouth and the sounds of chortling echo through the hills.   our annual trip brought us to a great little house just outside of leavenworth, nestled up along some river (i have no idea which one).

just a couple of shots

most of the shenanigans are not able to be shared. 

  

thank you mammas for a great weekend! 

 

oh, a brephophagist is one who eats babies. 

thank you balderdash for expanding my trivia knowledge with this gem.  

what are we...

have you ever been in a relationship like this?  i'm sure the person who called what you were doing together, didn't call it a relationship, but as far as i am concerned any time you spend with another human is a relationship of some sort. 

we are a people with an incessant need to label everything.  we label the rooms we are in with silly signs that tell us what do in them.  we label people by class, color, achievements, disorders, and any other cotton pickin' thing you can think of.  we label our food with warning labels, nutrition facts, and slogans to make us want them.  we also label what kind of relationship we are in; marriage, business, friends (with the subcategories of acquaintance, close, bosom, f+#* buddy, etc.), parent/child, teacher/student really the lists could go on and on.

this "friends with benefits" label on a relationship is one i have heard of, i've even watched the movie (which was funny), but it is not really a relationship that i have ever wanted to be in.  it seems to me that you are telling this person you are enough to be intimate with but not really what i am looking for long term.  ouch, that is harsh.

so what do you do if you aren't looking for that type of arrangement but somehow you think you've found yourself smack dab in the middle of one? 

• say, "hold up sir, you want a piece of this, it's time to pony up"?
• keep seeing each other, let's face it the benefits are good, but keep your options open?
• cut your losses and get some extra batteries?
•  keep seeing each other in hopes that over time you will both realize there is something more than a physical connection?

like always, i have no answers just questions.  i know which way i lean, but i don't fit nicely in any category.  my alter ego picks option a, but i'm not that forward.  the intimate side of me picks option b, for obvious reasons.  my head picks option c because i get too attached and really struggle with separating my head and my heart.  speaking of my heart, it picks option d for one reason, timing is everything and maybe this is the right guy but the wrong time.

or maybe it is simply this labeling makes things official.  sometimes the label is scary.