a sleek glass bottle gracefully riding the ebb and flow of a powerful ocean. safely tucked inside is a hand scrawled message. is it a message of hope? a confession of wrong doing? a prayer for serenity? or simply a hey, who's out there? whatever the message is, if it doesn't reach another human, removed from its safekeeping to be read, the declaration is trapped inside.
lately i have been scrawling my mental messages and sending them off onto a never ending voyage in my head. the messages never get rescued, never get read, are not discussed or shared in anyway. instead my head is being overrun by tiny glass bottles filled with negativity that is obscuring my reality.
how do i share when i don't know if what i am feeling is reasonable, valid, or worthy? i hear that all feelings are worth sharing, but when i am unsure of how the message will be received it can be scary to share. how do i reach that point where i feel safe to share whatever i am feeling or thinking? is it practice? is it just a leap of faith? does it take my partner to make me feel secure enough and reassuring enough to be so vulnerable? i have come to the conclusion that it is a little bit of everything.
i have spent this last week at odds with matt. it started with one unread bottle and manifested into an ocean of bottles. we took a few days to collect our thoughts and agreed on a day to discuss what was going on and where we were headed. me being the planner wanted to know what his concerns were so that i had a chance to mull them over so i could effectively express myself. i am not a good "wing-it" kind of gal. i did put a lot of thought into all the topics on the table for discussion. interesting enough most of the topics were neatly tucked away in there appropriated bottles floating away just waiting to be addressed.
early on in our endeavor together i freely expressed things. it felt refreshing and safe. i didn't feel stupid or unreasonable. why did it change? why was i all of sudden reserved and scared of being me? i knew why but admitting that to myself was difficult.
i truly feel like matt and i are on a journey that will entangle our lives together forever. we are joining forces and becoming one big blended family. our endeavor is becoming really real, not that it was fake before, but we are continually taking steps to progress in our relationship. so the small nagging voice in the back of my head has started to whisper what if you are wrong? what if it doesn't work, do you really want to be a divorcee times two? funny how that fear of failure coupled with my monthly cycle can really alter how i react to things and how much i hold back.
my handwritten list of concerns, problems, frustrations and fears were like a row of tiny message bottles. i sat on my couch, sweating like a pig on a 100 degree day, wrapped in a blanket because i had the chills and just shared. it was uncomfortable and nerve racking, i was definitely out of my comfort zone. the good news, matt didn't jump off the couch and run out the door. he didn't even look at me like i was crazy, well not the whole time. i have admitted there is a healthy dose of crazy running through my veins and i doubt that is ever going away. after several hours of tears, laughter, and moments of exasperation matt gathered my crumpled deflated self in his arms and said those two words that make my heart melt "welcome home".
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
peel me....
i am sloughing my skin like a reptile. i am not needing a larger exterior to house my insides, but i imagine that i am experiencing the same discomfort a reptile feels when it is time to shed it's skin. my skin is itchy, scaly, and bumpy in places. i love when a large piece peels off. do reptiles get that same gratification? i will be glad when the process is done as i am sure a reptile does.
i disbanded a myth about 3 weeks ago. it IS possible to burn... in morning sun... in western washington. from 7am to 11am my stomach and chest (the parts that weren't covered by my bikini top) turned a beautiful shade of fluorescent angry pink. no i was not protected by sunscreen. i should have been, but i was so wrapped up in my book and coffee it completely slipped my mind.
saturday morning. coffee is brewing and i notice that there is this giant orb glowing in the sky. i step outside feel the warmth on my skin and quickly decide that i will be sipping my coffee on my back patio. after tracking down the lawn chairs, grabbing my book (the shack), doctoring up my coffee, donning my ball cap, i position myself for full sun exposure. about halfway through my first cup of jo i realize that it is really warm and i might be able to handle sitting out in my bikini...gulp.
OK for those of you who know me well the hesitation about a swim suit no surprise, but for the rest of you...i despise being in a swim suit. one piece, bikini, tankini, i think there might even be a unikini...i despise them all. a one piece is never quite long enough in the torso and i feel like i have to be hunched over to be comfortable. a bikini...well they are tiny, enough said. tankini...the bottom of the top doesn't seem to quite meet the top of the bottoms and then i am sharing my flesh belt with whomever i am with. unikini haven't ever tried one, but the tan line you get seems rather strange.
i don't mind my figure. for my age and my lack of activity it is just fine, but i feel very, very exposed in a suit. i simply don't enjoy showing off that much to skin the general public. i am kind of a "covered up" kind of girl. but i was just going to be in my backyard, not a public beach, so off to put on my suit. i did a quick once over in the mirror and again it isn't too bad. back to my chair, book and coffee.
well a half a pot of coffee later, finishing the shack and starting have a little faith, a few trips to the bathroom because sometimes coffee just goes right through me, i am done soaking up my vitamin d and ready to start my day. i did look at myself in the mirror before showering and i noticed i was a bit pink, but it didn't look too bad. i figured i would be a beautiful bronze by morning. boy was i wrong!
as the day progressed my skin became angrier and angrier. by the next morning i knew i was screwed. on my drive up to bellingham for the 4th of july celebrations, i had to undo my pants because they were rubbing so much on my tummy it was seriously uncomfortable. since it was just my stomach and chest, i was able to hide my stupidity. i thought that maybe i was in clear because i didn't start peeling until this past week.
i have learned my lesson. i heather marie bartlett vow to wear sunscreen...even in the morning...even in western washington.
i disbanded a myth about 3 weeks ago. it IS possible to burn... in morning sun... in western washington. from 7am to 11am my stomach and chest (the parts that weren't covered by my bikini top) turned a beautiful shade of fluorescent angry pink. no i was not protected by sunscreen. i should have been, but i was so wrapped up in my book and coffee it completely slipped my mind.
saturday morning. coffee is brewing and i notice that there is this giant orb glowing in the sky. i step outside feel the warmth on my skin and quickly decide that i will be sipping my coffee on my back patio. after tracking down the lawn chairs, grabbing my book (the shack), doctoring up my coffee, donning my ball cap, i position myself for full sun exposure. about halfway through my first cup of jo i realize that it is really warm and i might be able to handle sitting out in my bikini...gulp.
OK for those of you who know me well the hesitation about a swim suit no surprise, but for the rest of you...i despise being in a swim suit. one piece, bikini, tankini, i think there might even be a unikini...i despise them all. a one piece is never quite long enough in the torso and i feel like i have to be hunched over to be comfortable. a bikini...well they are tiny, enough said. tankini...the bottom of the top doesn't seem to quite meet the top of the bottoms and then i am sharing my flesh belt with whomever i am with. unikini haven't ever tried one, but the tan line you get seems rather strange.
i don't mind my figure. for my age and my lack of activity it is just fine, but i feel very, very exposed in a suit. i simply don't enjoy showing off that much to skin the general public. i am kind of a "covered up" kind of girl. but i was just going to be in my backyard, not a public beach, so off to put on my suit. i did a quick once over in the mirror and again it isn't too bad. back to my chair, book and coffee.
well a half a pot of coffee later, finishing the shack and starting have a little faith, a few trips to the bathroom because sometimes coffee just goes right through me, i am done soaking up my vitamin d and ready to start my day. i did look at myself in the mirror before showering and i noticed i was a bit pink, but it didn't look too bad. i figured i would be a beautiful bronze by morning. boy was i wrong!
as the day progressed my skin became angrier and angrier. by the next morning i knew i was screwed. on my drive up to bellingham for the 4th of july celebrations, i had to undo my pants because they were rubbing so much on my tummy it was seriously uncomfortable. since it was just my stomach and chest, i was able to hide my stupidity. i thought that maybe i was in clear because i didn't start peeling until this past week.
i have learned my lesson. i heather marie bartlett vow to wear sunscreen...even in the morning...even in western washington.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
give me may....
rarely in my life have i fought for something. i tend to just go with the flow. if things don't work, they don't work. i don't try to force my way to happen. in some respects this is a huge character flaw, i don't have a strong inner drive to make things happen. my inner drive is not to be successful monetarily, but to be successful in regards to family. to have a partner that will work with me to raise our children to be productive, well adjusted, contributing adults and that my bond with my partner is deep, honest and secure.
i knew i had found that in matt. i knew it early on. we have very similar ideas on where we want our lives to go, how a relationship with a partner should look and feel and we are wildly attracted to each other. how could we not be successful? when he told me that the distance between us was just going to be too much and he didn't want to continue, i was devastated. i hadn't really thought about our geographical situation as a deal breaker.
i refused to accept what he was saying and made a conscious decision to fight. this overwhelming feeling that he was wrong and i was going to prove it, was strange. i hadn't taken this stance before and to be quite honest it made me feel insane and certifiably crazy. i felt desperate to show him that i was worth the risk.
i came up with a plan...give me may. i had worked out on paper that we could be in each other's presence over half the month. no expectations, just get to know each other better. if at the end of may he still felt the same way then i would graciously walk away. i felt that his decision was premature and i wasn't going down without a fight. i had no idea if he would agree, if it would work, but i just knew that we would be great together. i just needed more time.
the other day we were driving and matt says out of the blue, "i am glad i gave you may." i smiled at him, squeezed his hand and replied, "i was just waiting for you to catch up." he didn't give me may the way i wanted. our physical time together was very limited but we talked daily. he didn't close himself off to the possiblity and i walked through the open door.
are we "meant" to be together? i think so. we are still faced with obstacles; geography, the joining of two families, understanding how each other deals with stress, children, our exes. instead of throwing our hands up in the air and saying this is too hard, we have joined hands and are facing it head on as a team.
so i guess the fight was worth it. i've got to say i am still not a fan. it all seems so unnecessary, but when you are dealing with your life and the lives of your children i suppose nothing should be taken lightly. i think that matt and i have a better understanding of how committed we are to our venture together. an understanding we may not have if we hadn't taken a step back and really examined all the facets of investing in each other.
i knew i had found that in matt. i knew it early on. we have very similar ideas on where we want our lives to go, how a relationship with a partner should look and feel and we are wildly attracted to each other. how could we not be successful? when he told me that the distance between us was just going to be too much and he didn't want to continue, i was devastated. i hadn't really thought about our geographical situation as a deal breaker.
i refused to accept what he was saying and made a conscious decision to fight. this overwhelming feeling that he was wrong and i was going to prove it, was strange. i hadn't taken this stance before and to be quite honest it made me feel insane and certifiably crazy. i felt desperate to show him that i was worth the risk.
i came up with a plan...give me may. i had worked out on paper that we could be in each other's presence over half the month. no expectations, just get to know each other better. if at the end of may he still felt the same way then i would graciously walk away. i felt that his decision was premature and i wasn't going down without a fight. i had no idea if he would agree, if it would work, but i just knew that we would be great together. i just needed more time.
the other day we were driving and matt says out of the blue, "i am glad i gave you may." i smiled at him, squeezed his hand and replied, "i was just waiting for you to catch up." he didn't give me may the way i wanted. our physical time together was very limited but we talked daily. he didn't close himself off to the possiblity and i walked through the open door.
are we "meant" to be together? i think so. we are still faced with obstacles; geography, the joining of two families, understanding how each other deals with stress, children, our exes. instead of throwing our hands up in the air and saying this is too hard, we have joined hands and are facing it head on as a team.
so i guess the fight was worth it. i've got to say i am still not a fan. it all seems so unnecessary, but when you are dealing with your life and the lives of your children i suppose nothing should be taken lightly. i think that matt and i have a better understanding of how committed we are to our venture together. an understanding we may not have if we hadn't taken a step back and really examined all the facets of investing in each other.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
if you don't have anything nice to say....
do you remember that phrase if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all? i remember my mom saying this to my sister and i countless times during our youth. i was reminded of this saying over the weekend when i was called a whore by a virtual stranger. the woman who said this to me i have not been formally introduced to, but i know who she is.
scenario
matt, myself and all the kids were off on an adventure, camping! we decided to take two cars for a couple of reasons; one we can bring more things, two we were going to camp in between our places so when we left i could just come home and not have to back track. so our vehicles are loaded, windows rolled down because it is a beautiful day, and i am following matt and his boys. i knew that his ex (girlfriend not wife) lived in the same area but didn't know the exact location, i hadn't seen her around. this particular day she was outside headed towards her vehicle when our caravan passed, i smiled politely, not in a "haha" kind of way, but just a friendly hello. as i passed she took that moment to fire off her negative comment.
it took me by surprise. i wanted to stop and confront her and if my kids had heard her i definitely would have. i wanted to ask her a whole host of questions; "how do you figure?" "why are you so bitter?" "is name calling really necessary?" "how old are you?" "is there something you have to say to me?" "what did you hope to accomplish by acting like a 5 yr. old?" i told matt about it later in the day. not because i wanted to tattle, but more of a heads up that if she continued to be nasty and my children are present i will confront her. he was very apologetic about her behavior and commented "that it is sad to see someones true characteristics when they aren't getting what they want."
this encounter has me thinking and wondering, why do people do this? what is their motive? what do they expect to gain from being nasty? i know that i will never be able to understand other's actions i can only learn from them, but it still makes me wonder. i do my best to treat others the way i want to be treated. i say this to my children at least once a day when they are being rude to each other.
i think we all have had failed relationships. i do. in my lifetime, i have broken up with men and have been broken up with. i don't recall ever having such strong negative feelings about my past flame being with someone else. for instance i sincerely hope that my ex-husband finds a woman that he loves and is more compatible with him. i don't wish him to be alone and miserable, we all deserve to be happy and fulfilled.
ultimately i will write this off as a crazy encounter. i have put more than enough energy into trying to figure out this woman that i have never met. she has the right to think whatever she wants but it would be nice if she could keep her negative thoughts to herself. i get that this is wishful thinking for all i know she could be writing on her own blog about how horrible i am. however, she is more likely to be flapping her jaw to her girlfriends. i haven't formed a huge opinion about her because i have a secret weapon kill her with kindness. another one of those sayings that i am sure we have all heard. it is hard to continue to think negatively about someone when they are nothing but kind and pleasant to you.
scenario
matt, myself and all the kids were off on an adventure, camping! we decided to take two cars for a couple of reasons; one we can bring more things, two we were going to camp in between our places so when we left i could just come home and not have to back track. so our vehicles are loaded, windows rolled down because it is a beautiful day, and i am following matt and his boys. i knew that his ex (girlfriend not wife) lived in the same area but didn't know the exact location, i hadn't seen her around. this particular day she was outside headed towards her vehicle when our caravan passed, i smiled politely, not in a "haha" kind of way, but just a friendly hello. as i passed she took that moment to fire off her negative comment.
it took me by surprise. i wanted to stop and confront her and if my kids had heard her i definitely would have. i wanted to ask her a whole host of questions; "how do you figure?" "why are you so bitter?" "is name calling really necessary?" "how old are you?" "is there something you have to say to me?" "what did you hope to accomplish by acting like a 5 yr. old?" i told matt about it later in the day. not because i wanted to tattle, but more of a heads up that if she continued to be nasty and my children are present i will confront her. he was very apologetic about her behavior and commented "that it is sad to see someones true characteristics when they aren't getting what they want."
this encounter has me thinking and wondering, why do people do this? what is their motive? what do they expect to gain from being nasty? i know that i will never be able to understand other's actions i can only learn from them, but it still makes me wonder. i do my best to treat others the way i want to be treated. i say this to my children at least once a day when they are being rude to each other.
i think we all have had failed relationships. i do. in my lifetime, i have broken up with men and have been broken up with. i don't recall ever having such strong negative feelings about my past flame being with someone else. for instance i sincerely hope that my ex-husband finds a woman that he loves and is more compatible with him. i don't wish him to be alone and miserable, we all deserve to be happy and fulfilled.
ultimately i will write this off as a crazy encounter. i have put more than enough energy into trying to figure out this woman that i have never met. she has the right to think whatever she wants but it would be nice if she could keep her negative thoughts to herself. i get that this is wishful thinking for all i know she could be writing on her own blog about how horrible i am. however, she is more likely to be flapping her jaw to her girlfriends. i haven't formed a huge opinion about her because i have a secret weapon kill her with kindness. another one of those sayings that i am sure we have all heard. it is hard to continue to think negatively about someone when they are nothing but kind and pleasant to you.
Friday, July 8, 2011
finding happiness...
how does someone find happiness? in the past two years i have had to learn how to find my own happiness. i have read books, taken advice from friends and family, trusted my own instinct (which i don't always put much faith in) and remember that God really does have a perfect plan for me. my road hasn't been easy and yours probably hasn't been either, but at the end of day having a little faith can go along way.
at the end of my marriage, i can honestly say that i was lost. i had forgotten who i was and what i loved. a friend of mine asked me, "what makes Heather happy?" all the answers that i could come up with had nothing to do with me. my answers were based on my children's happiness. i am not sure if this a trap that most mothers fall in to, but making sure that my children's needs were met and exceeded and that they were happy had become my primary focus. then i took care of my husband. if there was anything left and i wasn't dog tired i would take care of me. my friend wasn't satisfied with my answers, he basically said that i hide behind my children. i was irritated by his words, but he was speaking the truth and sometimes i just don't want to hear the truth.
Not having a spouse to take care of or even consider when making decisions for me was freeing. In my new found freedom i kind of let loose. i showed up for work too many times hungover. i "hooked up" with a couple of fellas just because. i stayed up way past my bedtime. i stopped going to church. i stopped seeing my friends and family and hung out with different friends, single friends. i wasn't proud of everything i did, but i think it was necessary. the freedom to be reckless and unpredictable was something i really hadn't experienced in my adult life. however, at the end of the day i wasn't happy. all this wild abandon grown up fun wasn't making me happy because it just wasn't me. i am not drunk, a heathen, or a floozy.
on a particularly down day i had text my good friend bethy. a sob story of how horrible my life was, i was always going to be alone, why did this have to happen to me? instead of bethy telling me what i wanted and needed to hear she gave me a task. to make a list of 25 things that make you happy. there were no real instructions, no right or wrong answers and i didn't have to share it, it was just for me. i am really good at following directions so off i went to make my list.
i titled my yellow notebook paper *25 Things That Make Me Happy* . Wrote 1-25 down the left hand side of the paper and started writing. it took me only a few minutes to fill up the 25 spaces and there was one more that i just couldn't leave off. number 26, texting. this may seem silly, but i get satisfaction out of the ease of keeping in touch with my friends through text. i feel like they are always with me and i can reach them anytime. my list is very random. alot of my items are material things; earrings, shoes, new clothes, make up, books, movies, puzzles. there are some things that just make me feel good; singing, dancing, laughing, smiling. a couple of vanity things; having shaved legs, being tan, getting my haircut. some that don't fit in any category; the sun, the beach, my hands smelling like garlic, coffee. my friends, family and kids made the list of course.
so i got it done, what now?? i have it taped to my bathroom mirror. i look at it every single day. most of the items on my list are things i can incorporate into my everyday life. being able to shift my focus from negative to positive by adding things that make me happy is crucial. i don't have to rely on anyone else it is just about me. i am capable of creating my own happiness and i choose to be happy.
like i said my journey hasn't been easy. it has been full of shameful acts, dark moments when i wasn't sure i was going to come out ok at the other end, anger at God, myself, my ex, the world. there has also been lots of joyous moments, they seemed small and insignificant, but there were just enough of them to keep me above water. so i guess the question how does someone find happiness? still hangs in the air. i have never claimed to have the answers even one answer, i can only share what has worked for me.
at the end of my marriage, i can honestly say that i was lost. i had forgotten who i was and what i loved. a friend of mine asked me, "what makes Heather happy?" all the answers that i could come up with had nothing to do with me. my answers were based on my children's happiness. i am not sure if this a trap that most mothers fall in to, but making sure that my children's needs were met and exceeded and that they were happy had become my primary focus. then i took care of my husband. if there was anything left and i wasn't dog tired i would take care of me. my friend wasn't satisfied with my answers, he basically said that i hide behind my children. i was irritated by his words, but he was speaking the truth and sometimes i just don't want to hear the truth.
Not having a spouse to take care of or even consider when making decisions for me was freeing. In my new found freedom i kind of let loose. i showed up for work too many times hungover. i "hooked up" with a couple of fellas just because. i stayed up way past my bedtime. i stopped going to church. i stopped seeing my friends and family and hung out with different friends, single friends. i wasn't proud of everything i did, but i think it was necessary. the freedom to be reckless and unpredictable was something i really hadn't experienced in my adult life. however, at the end of the day i wasn't happy. all this wild abandon grown up fun wasn't making me happy because it just wasn't me. i am not drunk, a heathen, or a floozy.
on a particularly down day i had text my good friend bethy. a sob story of how horrible my life was, i was always going to be alone, why did this have to happen to me? instead of bethy telling me what i wanted and needed to hear she gave me a task. to make a list of 25 things that make you happy. there were no real instructions, no right or wrong answers and i didn't have to share it, it was just for me. i am really good at following directions so off i went to make my list.
i titled my yellow notebook paper *25 Things That Make Me Happy* . Wrote 1-25 down the left hand side of the paper and started writing. it took me only a few minutes to fill up the 25 spaces and there was one more that i just couldn't leave off. number 26, texting. this may seem silly, but i get satisfaction out of the ease of keeping in touch with my friends through text. i feel like they are always with me and i can reach them anytime. my list is very random. alot of my items are material things; earrings, shoes, new clothes, make up, books, movies, puzzles. there are some things that just make me feel good; singing, dancing, laughing, smiling. a couple of vanity things; having shaved legs, being tan, getting my haircut. some that don't fit in any category; the sun, the beach, my hands smelling like garlic, coffee. my friends, family and kids made the list of course.
so i got it done, what now?? i have it taped to my bathroom mirror. i look at it every single day. most of the items on my list are things i can incorporate into my everyday life. being able to shift my focus from negative to positive by adding things that make me happy is crucial. i don't have to rely on anyone else it is just about me. i am capable of creating my own happiness and i choose to be happy.
like i said my journey hasn't been easy. it has been full of shameful acts, dark moments when i wasn't sure i was going to come out ok at the other end, anger at God, myself, my ex, the world. there has also been lots of joyous moments, they seemed small and insignificant, but there were just enough of them to keep me above water. so i guess the question how does someone find happiness? still hangs in the air. i have never claimed to have the answers even one answer, i can only share what has worked for me.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
the new girl...
a sprawling homestead with lush green grass and sky skimming trees. a gravel road with a wooden bridge over a small creek that leads to a sturdy barn filled with bales of hay winds through the property. an enormous field lies behind the barn. old cars with layers of dust, tractors, aluminum boats, countless tools and miscellaneous farm equipment scatter the outbuildings. there is a rope swing that has been securely tied to an ancient tree that swings out over the small creek. the portrait of the idyllic American farming homestead. this is where is i spent my 4th of July, grandma's house. matt's grandma that is. it couldn't have been a more perfect place to celebrate the independence of our great nation.
to complete this picture perfect landscape was family; grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandchildren, neighbors who are more like family and all the "better halves". i did not grow up with extended family close by, i have my mom, dad and sis in this state with me. i have grown up seeing pictures of family gatherings celebrating birthdays, holidays, or just the random "let's get everyone together just because" gatherings, but rarely have i been a participant. to be invited and included in a family gathering is an honor, even if it isn't my family.
i was so excited about being with matt and sharing a holiday together that i think i forgot that being the new girl could possibly be awkward. i knew before going that there have been others before me. i also knew that the family is still fond of matt's last girlfriend. i don't know the length of their "togetherness" nor do i care, but i know that they still consider her part of the family and invite her to their gatherings. this is also something that doesn't bother me. i honestly feel that there is a reason that people connect, sometimes it doesn't always work as a long term intimate relationship, but that doesn't mean that the qualities that initially attracted you to someone aren't still there.
matt has a large family, he is the youngest of 6! there were lots and lots of introductions to made, hands to shake, names for me to remember and trying to figure out who was with who and how they were connected. his family definitely had the easier task, i am just one.
there were a few family members who took the introductions as a chance to rib matt. some of the jabs were a little nicer than others, but matt was quick to remind the not so nice commentors that the past is the past. i do not blame them for being wary of me, however i do my best to be accepting and open to others and don't quite understand people who create awkwardness.
it was a wonderful day filled with lawn games (ladder ball, lawn darts, croquet), food, family tradition, fireworks, conversation and the best part sharing it all with matt. that is until the ex showed up. now i have to say i don't see anything wrong with her coming, especially since she was invited. for however long, this was her family too and it is hard to lose the relationships you have built. i quietly watched how the family reacted to her arrival. most were happy to see her and greeted her with hugs. i did not receive that welcome, but then again i had just met these people of course that isn't how they would greet me. after a bit, i made my way to matt's truck for a break from "the show". i sat in the cab put on chapstick and checked my phone.
i could see matt coming my way and wasn't sure i wanted to explain why i had removed myself. so the old me would've made something up so i wouldn't have to share, but the me in this relationship with matt knows that he genuinely wants to understand me and hear what i have to say. i quickly gathered my thoughts so that i wouldn't come across as a whiny insecure child. "what's going on? are you ok?" "your family really likes her." "so" "well, i know it isn't a competition, but it seems like it might be hard to win approval from your family." matt grabbed my hands, looked me in the eye and said, "heather, once you are family you are always family. my family may really like her, but i don't. i love you." well i was an instant pile of mushy love. he coaxed me out of the truck gave me a huge hug and kiss, grabbed my hand and brought me back to the party. the rest of the night was super, the fireworks were fabulous and i even received some hugs when people left.
i won't always be the "new girl". his ex will most likely come to future family gatherings. his family may take a while to accept me as part of the gang and some may never accept me. the only thing i can do is treat his family the way i want to be treated, be who i am and trust in my relationship with matt.
to complete this picture perfect landscape was family; grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandchildren, neighbors who are more like family and all the "better halves". i did not grow up with extended family close by, i have my mom, dad and sis in this state with me. i have grown up seeing pictures of family gatherings celebrating birthdays, holidays, or just the random "let's get everyone together just because" gatherings, but rarely have i been a participant. to be invited and included in a family gathering is an honor, even if it isn't my family.
i was so excited about being with matt and sharing a holiday together that i think i forgot that being the new girl could possibly be awkward. i knew before going that there have been others before me. i also knew that the family is still fond of matt's last girlfriend. i don't know the length of their "togetherness" nor do i care, but i know that they still consider her part of the family and invite her to their gatherings. this is also something that doesn't bother me. i honestly feel that there is a reason that people connect, sometimes it doesn't always work as a long term intimate relationship, but that doesn't mean that the qualities that initially attracted you to someone aren't still there.
matt has a large family, he is the youngest of 6! there were lots and lots of introductions to made, hands to shake, names for me to remember and trying to figure out who was with who and how they were connected. his family definitely had the easier task, i am just one.
there were a few family members who took the introductions as a chance to rib matt. some of the jabs were a little nicer than others, but matt was quick to remind the not so nice commentors that the past is the past. i do not blame them for being wary of me, however i do my best to be accepting and open to others and don't quite understand people who create awkwardness.
it was a wonderful day filled with lawn games (ladder ball, lawn darts, croquet), food, family tradition, fireworks, conversation and the best part sharing it all with matt. that is until the ex showed up. now i have to say i don't see anything wrong with her coming, especially since she was invited. for however long, this was her family too and it is hard to lose the relationships you have built. i quietly watched how the family reacted to her arrival. most were happy to see her and greeted her with hugs. i did not receive that welcome, but then again i had just met these people of course that isn't how they would greet me. after a bit, i made my way to matt's truck for a break from "the show". i sat in the cab put on chapstick and checked my phone.
i could see matt coming my way and wasn't sure i wanted to explain why i had removed myself. so the old me would've made something up so i wouldn't have to share, but the me in this relationship with matt knows that he genuinely wants to understand me and hear what i have to say. i quickly gathered my thoughts so that i wouldn't come across as a whiny insecure child. "what's going on? are you ok?" "your family really likes her." "so" "well, i know it isn't a competition, but it seems like it might be hard to win approval from your family." matt grabbed my hands, looked me in the eye and said, "heather, once you are family you are always family. my family may really like her, but i don't. i love you." well i was an instant pile of mushy love. he coaxed me out of the truck gave me a huge hug and kiss, grabbed my hand and brought me back to the party. the rest of the night was super, the fireworks were fabulous and i even received some hugs when people left.
i won't always be the "new girl". his ex will most likely come to future family gatherings. his family may take a while to accept me as part of the gang and some may never accept me. the only thing i can do is treat his family the way i want to be treated, be who i am and trust in my relationship with matt.
get a room....
how many?
two
what's the name?
heather
it'll be just a couple of minutes
a few minutes later we are following a pleasant hostess to a table with four chairs. now there are only two of us and here comes the dilemma; do we sit on the same side of the table cozied up next to each other or do we sit across from each other?
i'm sure you have all been witness to that couple that sits next to each other at a restaurant and can't seem to keep their hands off each other and you think to yourself get a room! this couple doesn't seem to notice anyone else in their presence. this couple seems surprised when a wait staff person breaks the invisible bubble that they are in. they barely break eye contact, they feed each other, kiss, embrace...barf has always been my reaction to this couple.
oh dear lord, i have become this couple. when i am with matt, there is rarely a time when our bodies aren't physically touching one another. we hold hands, he doesn't let go even though my hands are always clammy. when sitting next to each other our legs are touching from hip to knee cap and sometimes our feet. when we sleep something is always touching it might just be our feet, but i can feel him next to me all through the night. we are like magnets and naturally gravitate towards each other.
so we ended up sitting on the same side of table, as we always do unless our kids are with us. our chairs were scooted as close together as they could be. our legs were touching. often times he had his arm around me. i had my hand on his leg for most of the time we spent at the restaurant. since i have always thought barf when i see this couple, i am conscious of the other patrons, but honestly i really don't care who is watching.
two
what's the name?
heather
it'll be just a couple of minutes
a few minutes later we are following a pleasant hostess to a table with four chairs. now there are only two of us and here comes the dilemma; do we sit on the same side of the table cozied up next to each other or do we sit across from each other?
i'm sure you have all been witness to that couple that sits next to each other at a restaurant and can't seem to keep their hands off each other and you think to yourself get a room! this couple doesn't seem to notice anyone else in their presence. this couple seems surprised when a wait staff person breaks the invisible bubble that they are in. they barely break eye contact, they feed each other, kiss, embrace...barf has always been my reaction to this couple.
oh dear lord, i have become this couple. when i am with matt, there is rarely a time when our bodies aren't physically touching one another. we hold hands, he doesn't let go even though my hands are always clammy. when sitting next to each other our legs are touching from hip to knee cap and sometimes our feet. when we sleep something is always touching it might just be our feet, but i can feel him next to me all through the night. we are like magnets and naturally gravitate towards each other.
so we ended up sitting on the same side of table, as we always do unless our kids are with us. our chairs were scooted as close together as they could be. our legs were touching. often times he had his arm around me. i had my hand on his leg for most of the time we spent at the restaurant. since i have always thought barf when i see this couple, i am conscious of the other patrons, but honestly i really don't care who is watching.
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