g is for goliath...

okay i have to admit, writing every day about something i am thankful for according to a letter of the alphabet is NOT easy.  there are certain letters i am dreading.  at the moment i can't even tell you which ones they are.  maybe they aren't so scary after all. 

so here we are.  "g"  what is there to be thankful for that starts with a "g"?  the most obvious to me is the fact that i am a girl.  i definitely don't want to be a boy.  there are so many reasons to be thankful for being a girl but there is only one that stands out more than the others.  it has nothing to do with the typical girly things like high heels, sparkles, or fishnets, which i love and am thankful i get to partake in.

the best reason for being a girl is that i don't have a penis.  seriously guys i don't know how you do this everyday.  you seem to be ruled day in and day out by an appendage that has a mind of its own.  there isn't any scientific proof that the penis has a brain separate from the one nestled inside the skull, but maybe the research hasn't been completed?  naming your penis seems to be a common thing (at least in the movies), so for my purposes today i am going to name the imaginary penis i thankfully don't have, goliath, and share my girl's perspective...

goliath is needy 

goliath is easily distracted

goliath can sometimes be shy

goliath needs to be adjusted frequently

 

i understand that the trade off is having the dreaded period, but fellas this is a once a month occurrence not a daily affair.  keeping goliath satisfied seems like a never ending task.  yes, i am thankful to be a girl for all its "ups and downs".

f is for f-words...

trying to narrow down a specific "f" thing is difficult.  there are many f-words to be thankful for.  ha ha, that sounded dirty for a moment.  focus flo.  ha, there are a couple more f-words.  seriously focus.  let's see there is friendship, family, food, football, and feathers.  wait, i am not thankful for feathers.

i could go on and on making silly jokes about this, that and the other, but the f-word i am most thankful for is fresh starts.  without a fresh start i wouldn't be on this incredible journey.  without fresh starts i would stuck and stagnant.  i can't think of anything more rewarding than the opportunity of a fresh start. 

e is for emotions...

 

as most of you know i am a highly charged emotional being.  some may see me as an emotional cutter.  or maybe someone who has a flair for the dramatics.  often times it appears that i am riding an emotional roller coaster.  all of the statements and thoughts are true to some extent.

 

here is my philosophy, i would rather have extreme highs, the lowest of lows and the blissful ease of a plateau than nothing at all.  i would rather feel every pain, every joy, and every bore than be void of and numb to any or all emotions.

so call me what you will, i am okay with it.  at least you know that i am not an emotionless statue.

peep show...

elaine’s christmas card

Posted on December 9, 2007 | 3 Comments

elaines Christmas card – (related terms: nip) 1. Christmas card with elaine’s picture that accidentally shows her nipple after missing a button on her shirt 2. photo taken by Kramer. 3. sent to hundreds of people including her parents, boss, nana and papa, super in her building, mailman, ten year old nephew, Sister Mary Catherine, Father Chelios, and her boyfriend. 4. quote: “You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it.” 5. episode: The Pick

this was pulled from a website called theseinfelddictionary.com 

does anyone remember this episode?  i was not a huge seinfeld watcher, but i remember this episode clearly.  unfortunately this is fresh in my mind from a recent family picture session.  oh yes there is a story here.

recently the kids and i had our pictures taken with one of my absolute favorite photographers ever, kaylee eylander.  i met her several years ago through an old neighbor who was operating a boutique in lake stevens.  since i've met her kaylee's business has blossomed and i will probably never be able to afford her if i ever get married again, but hey a girl can dream.  anyway, like i was saying she took our pictures about a week ago.

so i need to back up a minute to give you some background, this will make my story and the horror much clearer.  over the summer my son decided to stop wearing underwear.  i know, he is only nine and has decided that free balling is the way to go.  seeing as how i am woman and not a man i don't understand this concept.  all i can really relate this too is not wearing a bra and i'm thinking that all droopy things need some support.

i discovered this while doing laundry.  i was folding at least 82 loads of laundry, when i noticed that ash had at least 15 bottoms but no underwear.  i said dude, do you see a problem here?  he scanned the piles of folded clothes and said no.  i pointed out that he had lots of pants and shorts but no underwear.  he simply stated i stopped wearing them.  what?  he explains i only wear sweats and it's an extra step, so i just stopped wearing them.  hmmm....not really sure how i feel about this being his mom, but okay.

if you've ever had pictures taken, finding the perfect outfits is time consuming.  in my opinion you don't want to be matchy matchy but coordinated.  in an attempt to be thrifty i wanted to use clothes that we already have.  so i started laying out options.  we went with a gray, cream and purple color scheme.  picture day and everyone's clothes are ironed and laid out ready to throw on the last minute.

pictures go off without a hitch.  we wore stick on mustaches for part of them, because why not?  kaylee took shots of all of us together and then myself with each one of my kids individually.  we stood for some sat for others.  a typical photo shoot.

at the end of our session i was chatting with kaylee when i noticed something.  i was looking at my son, who was dutifully wearing the outfit i picked out for him (jeans, a cream shirt, and his romeos), but his zipper was down.  dude your zipper is down.  i only got a shrug of the shoulders in return.  i'm sure i rolled my eyes at him.  we are experts in nonverbal communication.  then i asked are you wearing underwear?  another shrug of the shoulders with a no.

do you see where i'm going with this?

if you are wearing jeans, sit down.  now unzip your pants.  what happens?  the zipper part opens like a frog mouth.  i'm guessing you are wearing underwear, but imagine if you weren't.  oh my gosh my family pictures are like elaine's nipple exposing christmas card, instead of a nipple we have a little show happening in my son's pants.

there are several things i know for certain about my son.  one being he is very literal.  when i tell him go put on your picture outfit it's on my bed, he will put exactly what i put out.  i did not have underwear laid out but come on this should be a given, right? 

anyway, i haven't seen the pictures but i'm sure if there is a wardrobe malfunction kaylee with photoshop that right out after a few hearty giggles.  i think this goes without saying i'm keeping my fingers crossed that there wasn't any photoshopping required. 

d is for dryers...

hauling water.  heating the water over a wood stove in your kitchen.  hauling the water back out to your wash basin.  scrubbing your clothes up and down the washboard.  wringing the articles of clothes out.  then pinning them to your clothesline to dry. 

modern conveniences like dishwashers, clothes washers, refrigerators, microwaves, electric or gas stoves, and especially dryers.  i am thankful for all of them, but dryers might make the top of the modern convenience list.

this may sound like a strange thing to be thankful for, but my very best friend, shreddie, has lived the last several years without a dryer.  what?  why?  well shreddie and her family have been living overseas and dryers are a luxury, they haven't been fortunate enough yet to live in a place that has a dryer.

can you even imagine?  i know there are folks out there who choose to line dry their clothes, but that is not what i am talking about.  for the last two years shreddie lived in belarus.  if you are a lame-o like me, this is by russia.   picture this, it's lets say october, your heat still hasn't been turned on by the government, you wash your jeans and then hang them in your designated drying area.  how many days do you think it takes to dry jeans without heat in your home?  try about three days.  after those three days you have stiff as a board, can stand up on their own clean jeans.  ouch.

for the next three years shreddie is in turkmenistan.  if you are a lame-o like me, this is by iran.  all i really know is that this is a "stan" country that is sandy and she is 10 miles from the border of iran.  she has been there since the end of august.  i got to skype with her for the first time today!  yahoo.  i was actually surprised to learn that she doesn't have a dryer.  i live a very sheltered life compared to shreddie and i honestly had no clue that dryers were so rare outside of the states.  anyway, she was commenting on how using towels after the shower was like drying off with sandpaper.  uh...ouch!

so today i am very thankful for my dryer.  not only does my dryer make my clothes dry lickety split, it softens them and if i hang them up fast enough i don't have to iron them. 

c is for catholics...

i should talk about my cat.  that starts with a c, but his name is oscar.  he was a gift to my kids for valentines day a few years back.  i prefer cats over dogs, but most of the time my cat is just another thing to take care of.  he is demanding (must be fed at 6:00 am), bothersome (always wants to sit on my lap when i have my book there) and full of back talk (he is always meowing at me for no reason).  sorry cat you do not make the cut.

i could say chocolate.  lots of humans, seems to be mostly women, love their chocolate.  almost to the point of obsession.  there is supposed health benefits to chocolate.  it is said to be an aphrodisiac, although i'm not sure it works for me.  on top of it all it tastes delicious.  however, chocolate isn't going to make the cut either.

i am thankful for my coffee.  i have shared my love affair with my cup of joe extensively.  there isn't anything much better than that first sip of coffee in the morning.  i look forward to it every single day.  however i think i have covered my coffee adoration enough.

c is for catholics.

no i'm just kidding. 

chapstick.  i have a small addiction to chapstick. i'm hesitant to call it an addiction, leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but i think my need for chapstick qualifies as an addiction.  i am partial to the burt's bees maroon cap, but i have all kinds in all places; pockets, desk drawer, purse, nightstand pretty much everywhere. 

 

my good friend steve, shared with me that my addiction to chapstick is created because the chapstick actually dries my lips out which makes me use it more.  well i don't really care.  i love how it feels when i put it on.  my lips feel luscious, moist and plump.  who doesn't love that? 

 

anyway, today i am thankful for my chapstick.  it may seem silly, but i would be lost without it close by.  just as my love affair with coffee, chapstick is a close second in the heirarchy of importance.

 



b is for bras...

 

 

every single woman of every age who has breasts, gargantuan or minuscule, should be wearing a bra.  i'm so glad we are not in the burning your bra feminist movement.  in my opinion there is nothing comfortable about swinging, bouncing pendulous bosoms. 

 

i am most thankful to my bras.  the ugly ones and the pretty ones.  the ugly ones provide much needed lift and false volume.  the pretty ones entice the fellas to take them off.  oh wait, the last statement is false. 

this is about i all have to say about bras.  maybe i should've come up with some other "b" word to be thankful for like babies, or baboons, or belly dancers, or birthdays, or boys, or baklava.  ah who am i kidding, i am not thankful for any of those things, just my bras.