visit from an old friend...

my dreams have been crazy lately.  this is probably due to a lack of sleep from an over active mind and some self induced stress. last night i was exhausted before i even made it to my bed.  i had a much needed weekend with the girls, came home took a run, did some homework, a load of laundry, and watched a little telly.

i stumbled to my room, flopped down on my bed, and my eyes were wide open like a porcelain doll. does this ever happen to you?  it drives me bananas when this happens.  so, i picked up my book to read for a bit.  next thing, i jolted awake with my light still on and my book tented across my chest. so i closed up my book, turned off my light, and closed my eyes.  then they popped back open. i did this three or four times before really falling asleep.

somewhere in happy nappy land, J came to me in my dreams.  i think of him every time i see the sun streaming through the clouds or watch the sun dip behind the mountains.  J was always a voice of reason, a source of peacefulness, and had the uncanny ability to sneak in a quip just to lighten the mood.  although i think of him frequently, my thoughts never include his face, it's more of a feeling. the last time i saw his face was through pictures at his memorial this past october.

like most dreams, the details are kind of fuzzy.  i have no idea where i was or what i was doing, but a truck pulled up along side me, on a gravel road, and a familiar drawl said howdy.  i don't recall what we talked about it was a dream.  it could have been anything from armadillos to politics or armadillos as politicians. who knows? what i do know is that it was so nice to see his face and hear his voice.

i woke with a feeling of peace.  when J was alive, and the couple of times we talked throughout the year, there was a revolving theme to our conversations.

peace

it seems so easy, but it is something i struggle with.  i am a person who wants answers, hates unfinished business and will drive myself, and everyone else, crazy obsessing about it. J was someone who always had a ready ear.  J never tried to solve any of my issues, he knew he couldn't, he just listened.  once i was done complaining about the unjustice in my world, he would turn the conversation to the earth: the sun on your face, the grass between your toes, the sing song of a bird, the wisp of smoke from a campfire, or the howl of a coyote in the distance.  

i miss being able to have those talks, but it seems like a cameo in my dream worked just as well. thank you J, it was nice to see you old friend. 

an enhanced happy...

i am ridiculously happy.  you should be prepared for an overload of mushy-gushy, sappy posts for awhile.

so i started this, just those two sentences, on march twenty-seventh.  ridiculously happy really isn't how i'm currently feeling and i'm not full of mush-gushy, sappy thoughts, but life isn't terrible.  sure i'm having crazy dreams; two nights ago i was playing catch with my pet alligator.  the alligator was jumping around my living room like a chihuahua.  it was really weird.  oh and my son is struggling a bit with school, but we will turn that around.  my last quarter of school looks like a doozy, hopefully i can keep my GPA up.  and my heart feels bruised, but bruises always heal, right?

often times i've said happiness is a choice. i can recall several times i have said this to people who are in the dumps.  sorry about that, what a terrible thing to say. when you are in the throws of sadness it is hard to think of anything happy, but it is possible.  it is all about changing your perspective. instead of focusing, in my case obsessing, about the things that are going wrong, you have to start thinking about all the things that are right.

i feel like i have to do this exercise a lot, but every time i do i definitely feel better about things.  so here goes nothing...

first and foremost i have the best friends and family any guy, gal, land creature (minus sloths i don't like those), sea creature, or alien could ask for.  they share in my misery (for a second), share their true and honest opinions (some of those opinions are like taking a fist to the gut), then encourage me to pick myself up and rejoin my life.

not just life in general, but my life.  

you wanna know why?  

my life rocks!   

how is it not possible to be happy about wonderful people?  

but wait there is more...

i am in good health.  we often take our health for granted.  shoot, i have a sister who is missing a finger and mother who has battled and won her battle with cancer.  every day i wake up without any major aches or pains. that is definitely something to be happy about because i know lots of people, my age, just trying to get through the day with minimal pain.  i just started my "soft training" for a marathon i am registered to run the end of september.  a marathon?!  yep, i'm going to cross it off the bucket list this year.

besides being in good health, i am aging well.  i know looks aren't everything, but heck it helps my overall ego to be able to look in the mirror and say not too shabby, flo. 

i have the ability to go on tons of adventures.  i get out there and do things, except riding bicycles i don't really care for that so much.  i have a ticket to go see a comedy show, i just have to pick which one.  i will be sitting in a large comfy booth all by myself but i don't care, i'm going to laugh my sides out.  i'm going to hike more this year.  i have the shoes, the packs, and the will it is time to explore a little more.  i do need some new ideas, so if you have any throw them my way. 

changing your perspective is hard.  i will probably still falter and have a down day here and there, but overall things aren't so bad.  time to rejoin my life. 

you're not strong enough...

have you ever had a dream that you woke up so terrified you checked your body just to make sure you are in one piece and unscathed?  there aren't too many things that i'm really afraid of: outliving my children is one, dolls is another, using a microphone is definitely up there, and being forced to have sex is near the top.  i don't think too often about outliving my children, but occasionally it crosses my mind especially if i am watching a movie with that plot.  i live with a scary doll, i don't ever disturb her, but i am always aware that she is in my attic.  i have had to use a microphone a couple of times in the past couple of months and it makes me want to vomit every time.  i don't usually put myself questionable positions where i could possibly be raped, but i had a dream about that very thing just the other night...

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it started off very normal.  i was hanging out with someone i knew, at their place, to watch a movie. we got settled on the couch, turned on the movie, and i promptly dozed off.

this is where dreams get weird, i don't know how i got there, but the next "scene" we were in his bed.  i was wearing a tank top and a pair of his boxers. 

we were just sleeping, he rolled over to cuddle, when his hands started wandering.  i told him to cut it out, but he kept on with his exploration.  i grabbed his hand and again say "cut it out."  then he grabbed my hands, jumped on top of me, and said "what's the matter? it will feel good."

dreams are strange in the sense that you get to watch yourself react or not react. i could see the fear in my eyes. i watched myself struggle and wrestle trying to get out from underneath his weight. i could hear myself pleading with this friend i've known and trusted.

he was able to pin me down with one hand and use the other hand to do as he pleased.  he laughed at my resistance and said, "you're not strong enough." even though i was thrashing around, telling him to stop, and fighting mercilessly, i was basically helpless.

he finally stopped and asked to just cuddle.  he wrapped his arms around me in a caring embrace, but i was rigid with fear. once he fell asleep i got out from his embrace and left.

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i woke up in a panic, sweating, and gasping for breath.  i still had my eighteen layers of clothes on, but i checked my wrists and legs for bruises anyhow.  there weren't any.  the fear i felt in my dream was real and carried through to the moment i opened my eyes.  i sat in my bed and cried, alone and scared.  i'm not even sure when i fell back to sleep, but i woke up with my alarm so i must have at some point.

this is the closest i have ever been to a scenario like this and it was absolutely terrifying. even more terrifying than i could have imagined.  i'm pretty sure those words "you're not strong enough" will send a chill down my spine anytime i hear them.

#foreversingle reigns...

it has been a long time since i've jumped into something with two feet.  really jumped in.  stripped down with no hiding places.  i've never been skinny dipping, no it is not on my bucket list, but jumping into a relationship this way was liberating and scary.

ah, you caught the "was" didn't you?  sigh.  for one glorious month, i was higher than cloud nine, but those eternally sunny skies turned gray and i started plummeting towards the ground.  big risks either lead to big rewards or big failures, this was somewhere in the middle.

it is no secret that i have been on lots of dates.  that sounds terrible, but i'm always hopeful that the right guy is just around corner.  how are you supposed to know if you don't actually meet people, right?  anyway, back to these dates, i have met nice men, handsome men, funny men, completely ridiculous men, and a handful of jackasses.  there always seems to be something lacking. sometimes that isn't apparent the first or second meeting, but with enough conversation and face to face time it is generally me who puts an end to things.

anyway, what i wanted to talk about was what i learned from my latest escapade. although it didn't last long and i crashed hard, i am thankful for the experience.

i have had this looming feeling that there might not be the right guy out there for me.  when you date and nothing really materializes you start to feel like something is seriously wrong with yourself.  it was amazing to feel like i was exactly what he was looking for; that my baggage wasn't too heavy, that my kids weren't a burden, and that my silly quirk personality was perfect.  that i was enough.  it has been years since i have felt that way and i couldn't get enough of it.

i am generally a happy person. i almost always have a giant cheesy grin spread across my face.  for that one month my happy was enhanced.  it has been so long since i was around someone who made me feel like a teenager crushing on her first boyfriend.  i felt like i was skipping everywhere.  there are people in the world who never get to experience that kind of happy, i am thankful that for a short period of time i got to feel that way.

i learned that my kids should see me in a loving happy relationship and that they feed off that energy. yes, i introduced him to my kids.  yes, that is really out of character for me, but it felt right. i have kept my kids miles away from any type of relationship i have entered for the past few years. they are getting older and i have wondered if shielding them is really in their best interest.  this is not to say that i'm going to start bringing around random men, and maybe i did jump the gun just a bit introducing them to him, but maybe they are old enough to be apart of that part of my life.  there is something beneficial about my kids seeing me with a man that enhances my happy.

meeting him and sharing my life with him has made me realize that i should keep an open mind and not get discouraged.  it just wasn't the right time for him and i.  i am hopeful that the right man is out there for me and that our paths just haven't crossed at the right time yet.  for now, i get to employ my favorite hashtag #foreversingle.