have you ever had one of those moments where you want to reach through a screen and slap someone up side the head shouting, "yes, you fool!" well, that was my reaction when the above question was asked. thankfully i'm not a violent person, nor do i have super powers to reach through screens, because the question asker would've found himself with a wild cat to deal with.
i can only speak from my personal experience, but i know that my involvement with a man emotionally, eventually turned into something physical. i can say with complete honesty, that this was never my intention. i wasn't seeking affirmation, attention or passion from an outside source. I can't pinpoint when the dynamics between us changed, but they did and i've had to live with that course of events ever since.
an emotional affair is a grooming process. when my contact with this other person started, it was casual, platonic and never had the inkling of crossing a moral or physical line. we were friends, i was married, he knew that, nothing was ever going to change, end of story. except that wasn't the end of the story, the frequency of our contact increased, which led to a shift of context within the contact. at some point, a dependency for the contact, a desire for more, and an intrigue of what was to come started to bloom within me. before i knew it, the feelings associated with this other person held value even though i knew i shouldn't be feeling this way.
all of this, all the feelings, the desire, and the intrigue developed without any sexual physical contact. it wasn't until much later that the physical line was crossed.
i should stop here and say, i am not blaming this other person for putting me in this position. i was, by all accounts, open to the friendship and an active participant in it's evolvement. i trusted he had my best interest in mind and wasn't massaging the situation for his benefit. years later, i still don't think the progression our friendship took was an intentional, calculated plan, even though some close to me beg to differ. anyhow, let's take a look at the grooming process.
Me: hey, how's it going? i have a question, do you know where i can get (insert something)?
Him: hey, not bad. you? yes, i do (answer to the question)
you exchange a couple of basics about general life, nothing specific. a couple of days go by
Me: hey. thanks for the info, worked out great.
Him: hey. no problem. catch you later.
this kind of stuff happens over several weeks maybe even months. then a little slip up happens a dirty joke, or the use of a pet name, or maybe even a "i was just thinking about you." instead of shutting down this type of interaction or ignoring it, you play along and have now given the green light that you are okay with this type of interaction. jump forward a week or two, a month or two, after playing along and now your interaction might go something like this.
Him: morning sunshine. what are you doing today?
Me: hi! i'm not sure yet. do you want to get a cup of coffee?
now the pet name and the morning "wake-up" text is a frequent occurrence. you start seeing this person on occasion but the face to face interaction is still within "friend" limits, even though your text conversations are crossing a line. at this point there is still an opportunity to go back, but if this is the only source you are getting the warm fuzzies from it is really hard to ignore.
Him: morning sunshine. any chance i can see you today?
Me: yes, I will figure out how to make that work.
at this point, you need the interaction and the physical proximity. your exchanges have nothing to do with general information anymore it' s all about how you will see this person, complaining about the person you are committed to (to this other person), and maybe even planning out how you can make this a permanent thing. most likely you are hiding all forms of communication with this person. even if you aren't sexually involved with this person (at this point) every other part of you is focused on this person.
in my opinion, from personal experience, unless you shut down the borderline interaction from the get go, no matter how great your intentions are, it is really easy for things to progress without realizing how invested you are becoming. like i said, i wasn't looking for affirmation, attention or passion from an outside source. i didn't even realize that it was something that i was lacking until it started coming from an outside source. once it was being handed to me on a platter it was too tempting to turn away from.
i truly believe if you and your partner continue to "date" each other and actively work at keeping your relationship fresh and fun, there isn't a reason to be tempted by the forbidden apple. this is just my theory. i am a divorced woman who hasn't had a serious relationship in three years, what do i really know?
anyway, the individual who asked the question and i, have had private conversations about this topic. i am one hundred percent positive that an emotional affair is a real affair, whether or not it turns into a physical affair isn't the issue. the point is you are engaging in intimate contact with a person outside of your committed relationship. it is as simple as that for me. however, the individual who posed the question is still on the fence saying, "i'm still not sure if the emotional affair is fabricated or factual".
you now know my thoughts, what are yours? is an emotional affair a "real" affair?
