in the line of fire...

i'm catching a little heat about having some "must-haves" in a potential partner. part of me understands the firing squad and the other part wants to say, you are full of shit if you claim you don't have a list or standard!!  i think the heat stems from the usage of "must-haves".  listing my must-haves makes it seem like i am limiting my options to a specific group of individuals.  but i would challenge you to prove that you don't have a list, whether you want to focus on the "must-haves" or the "deal breakers", i'm going to bet that everyone has a list of things that they can live with, can't live with, and will consider on a case by case basis.

when you are looking at linking your life with another human, hopefully forever, it seems to me that having some traits or qualities that are important to you should factor in.  these factors are my must-haves, and this point seems to have been missed, but my must-haves don't revolve around physical traits. and although you may not want to admit it, physical attraction does play into the mix.  it may not be the number one thing you focus on, but it definitely factors in.

so let's break this down a little further, wants vs. must-haves.

wants:  to me this is a list of general things that turn you on.  for instance, blue eyes.  i love blue eyes.  i always wanted blue eyes, i was born with hazel.  i would love the privilege of gazing into blue eyes every day.  is this something that i have to have?  absolutely not.  more important than the color of his eyes, is how he looks at me with those eyes.  a brown eyed fella who can look at me with love, respect, and passion will win me over as opposed to the gorgeous blue eyes that express nothing.

must-have:  to me this a quality about that person i find valuable.  for instance, being active - no couch potatoes.  this is a requirement.  i like to do things: hike, run, play sports, explore my community, go to shows, etc.  if the only thing you want to do is sit at home to watch movies and/or play video games the likelihood of us being a compatible match is not so great.  if we don't enjoy doing some of the same things together, then i will be out doing those things with someone else and probably creating a connection with them.  maintaining, let alone strengthening, a connection with someone who i don't interact with would be tough.

this brings me to connections.  connections happen whether we want them to or not.  am i so narrow minded to think my ideal connection is going to come packaged a certain way?  no.  do i  naturally gravitate to a certain look?  yes.  i bet if you really analyzed who you've been most attracted to, you will notice you also have a pattern.  that is because it's natural, we are simply hard wired to look for certain things.  however, that isn't the only deciding factor, not for me, and i'm guessing not for anyone else.  have you ever met someone you thought was a knock out, but they opened their mouth and you instantly found them disgusting? i have. on the flip side, i've met people who don't make me swoon, but the way they carry themselves and the conversations we have, make them far more attractive than i initially thought.

at the end of the day, i don't think it is unreasonable to want certain things from a potential life partner.  if we have no idea about what we value in another person there is no place to start.