depends & pull-ups...

when you are in the dating scene, and still of child bearing age, the question of do you want more kids? comes up a lot.  this is a question that i hate answering.  i have a very well thought out, definite answer...

i do NOT want to birth anymore children that i have to keep. 

at this point in my life i am not looking for a potential parent for the children that i currently have or future children that i don't ever intend on having.  i am wanting a partner for me.  someone to share my life with. call it selfish, but my children are almost teens and in the homestretch of being under my constant care, it is time for me to invest my time with someone who is going to be there when my children are out of the house. besides my selfish need of wanting a man for me, and not for my kids, i have four pretty solid reasons on why i'm good with the children i have. 

my age.  i am on a slippery slope into 40.  this may not seem like a huge deal, there are plenty of women who have children in their 40's, but i don't want to be one of them.  i don't want to have to wait until i'm 60 before my flock has flown the coop.  every year i seem to feel more exhausted, more run down and require heavier dose of coffee to supplement my existence.  i can't imagine getting up every two hours to feed a newborn, or schlepping around 30 pounds of crap everywhere until they are of school age, or finding the patience to potty train, deal with teens, or trying to keep up with the twenty something moms at the play ground.  i'm sorry, but if i'm in depends and my toddler is in pull-ups i will cry. 

money.  raising children is crazy expensive, there is no denying that.  it is likely that any man i decide to link my life with will already have children of his own.  two seems to be a popular number, so we will most likely have four kids between us already.  that is a lot of people to take care of: weddings, college educations, clothing and feeding them.  to add another one in there makes my head spin and seems financially irresponsible in this day and age.  as a single mom who is by no means wealthy, supporting my two ratchets is a big task in and of itself. 

risk.  nobody goes into marriage and having kids thinking i can't until we are divorced, raising our kids in separate homes with different rules and splitting visitation. if you think that, please, please don't get married or have kids.  having an ex-husband when you have kids is still like having a husband.  i still have to coordinate schedules with him and talk to him about the kids, this is something that is never going to go away.  statistics show that second marriages have less of a success rate than first marriages do.  so here we go, i get married again, have a child with that man, we get divorced and now i have to coordinate my life and my kid's lives with two ex-husbands.  i already have a hard enough time managing a schedule with one ex, i really don't want to have to juggle birthdays, holidays, weekends, summer vacations, etc. with two ex-husbands.  i would rather have my teeth pulled out one by one with a pair of pliers. 

love.  i don't ever want my kids to feel like i am replacing them with a new shiny kid.  stick with me for a minute.  i remember what it is like to have a baby.  you gush and swoon all over that little thing.  so then my kids, and his kids, are going to see us fawning over this new baby that we've made from our love for each other.  i don't think i would intentionally treat my kids, or his kids differently, but i know for a time that my focus would shift from my kids to this new shiny kid who need,s and should have, my undivided attention. i'm not sure if this makes any sense, but in my head it makes perfect sense.

sometimes real grown up problems are a drag.  i recently met a man that i like, but he wants more kids.  it is unfair for me to expect him to change his mind, just like it is unfair for me to change my mind and honestly a few years ago, i was more open to the idea, but at this point it is a deal breaker for me.  

in the line of fire...

i'm catching a little heat about having some "must-haves" in a potential partner. part of me understands the firing squad and the other part wants to say, you are full of shit if you claim you don't have a list or standard!!  i think the heat stems from the usage of "must-haves".  listing my must-haves makes it seem like i am limiting my options to a specific group of individuals.  but i would challenge you to prove that you don't have a list, whether you want to focus on the "must-haves" or the "deal breakers", i'm going to bet that everyone has a list of things that they can live with, can't live with, and will consider on a case by case basis.

when you are looking at linking your life with another human, hopefully forever, it seems to me that having some traits or qualities that are important to you should factor in.  these factors are my must-haves, and this point seems to have been missed, but my must-haves don't revolve around physical traits. and although you may not want to admit it, physical attraction does play into the mix.  it may not be the number one thing you focus on, but it definitely factors in.

so let's break this down a little further, wants vs. must-haves.

wants:  to me this is a list of general things that turn you on.  for instance, blue eyes.  i love blue eyes.  i always wanted blue eyes, i was born with hazel.  i would love the privilege of gazing into blue eyes every day.  is this something that i have to have?  absolutely not.  more important than the color of his eyes, is how he looks at me with those eyes.  a brown eyed fella who can look at me with love, respect, and passion will win me over as opposed to the gorgeous blue eyes that express nothing.

must-have:  to me this a quality about that person i find valuable.  for instance, being active - no couch potatoes.  this is a requirement.  i like to do things: hike, run, play sports, explore my community, go to shows, etc.  if the only thing you want to do is sit at home to watch movies and/or play video games the likelihood of us being a compatible match is not so great.  if we don't enjoy doing some of the same things together, then i will be out doing those things with someone else and probably creating a connection with them.  maintaining, let alone strengthening, a connection with someone who i don't interact with would be tough.

this brings me to connections.  connections happen whether we want them to or not.  am i so narrow minded to think my ideal connection is going to come packaged a certain way?  no.  do i  naturally gravitate to a certain look?  yes.  i bet if you really analyzed who you've been most attracted to, you will notice you also have a pattern.  that is because it's natural, we are simply hard wired to look for certain things.  however, that isn't the only deciding factor, not for me, and i'm guessing not for anyone else.  have you ever met someone you thought was a knock out, but they opened their mouth and you instantly found them disgusting? i have. on the flip side, i've met people who don't make me swoon, but the way they carry themselves and the conversations we have, make them far more attractive than i initially thought.

at the end of the day, i don't think it is unreasonable to want certain things from a potential life partner.  if we have no idea about what we value in another person there is no place to start.

not bad for a hobbit...

i seem to talk about dating a lot, but dating does seem like the only semi interesting thing that happens to me. the rest of my life is a predictable laundry list of "to-do's".  nobody cares about that stuff, and to be honest, nobody really cares about my dating life either, except for me.  regardless, here is another installment of flo's dating life.

about three years ago, sitting in one of my favorite bars, i had a discussion with a fella.  we were comparing our "must-haves" in a potential partner.  mine are pretty basic: employed, financially responsible, active (no couch potatoes), good sense of humor, and someone who is taller than me. when i mentioned the height thing, the fella i was with scoffed.  he said at this point in his life, height was irrelevant, he was looking for a real connection with another human.  in my head, i said, yeah, that's because you are short.

fast forward a couple of years.  my list hasn't really changed.  i still would like my dude to be employed, financially responsible, good sense of humor, and active.  if i got to walk into a store and pick out my ideal guy physically, he would have dark hair, blue eyes and stand around 6 feet tall.  he would rock some facial hair (i love facial hair), maybe wear glasses (i really dig the nerdy glasses type), would have a smaller frame (i don't like my guys too broad), and he would have an inviting happy face, the kind that you never get tired of looking at.  i get there is a lot of emphasis on the physical traits, but we are talking the perfect dude: physically, mentally, and whatever else you consider when hand picking the perfect partner.

anyway, height has always been a must-have for me.  i have always equated taller than me with a safety thing; he will be able to protect me because he is bigger.  bigger in height.  bigger in body mass.  bigger in bravado.  i have admittedly bypassed all men that are the same height or shorter than me, but is that really fair? probably not.

here's the deal, i have had this ideal in my head and so far what i have thought i'm looking for hasn't worked. the men i've met, who check off all the must-have boxes, haven't been ideal, in fact they have been complete disasters.  is it because i just haven't met the right person?  probably.  should i expand my scope and not be so focused on the physical must-haves?  maybe. 

i'm beginning to think that maybe my wise friend, from a few years ago, is on to something.  could it be that i have spent too much time focusing on appearance i have missed an opportunity to really connect with someone?  it just might be time to expand my scope and not exclude a whole class of people who weren't given the gift of height. 

just so we are clear here, this is not to say that i am entertaining actual hobbits the ones with hairy feet.  it might be time, but i do have a threshold. (wink)

stewards of my nitty gritty...

i am struggling with people.  it is probably my own fault, but maybe if i talk it through it will make a little more sense.

i have a really solid core group of friends.  they include women and men from different parts of my life. their presence in my life ranges from everyday to i've never met them in person, but i trust their opinions and their friendship implicitly. they have shown me, time and time again, that they can be trusted with my nitty gritty.

these select friends understand every cryptic blog post, facebook post, and other social media posts.  they don't need me to fill in the blanks because usually i have already talked it through with them.  for the rest of the world, i understand that sometimes i share things without all the information which leaves a story full of holes like swiss cheese.  sharing my stories while maintaining someone else's anonymity, as best i can, is often times tricky but necessary.

here's the ironic part of sharing publicly in a format such as a blog; as much as i want to get something off my chest, because i think it is relatable to others, i don't always want to talk about everything little thing with everyone.  that may sound funny because i have basically started the conversation, but generally speaking, by the time my thoughts have made it this far, i have talked it to death and have dealt with whatever the subject is and moved on.  i suppose that makes me a conversation nazi, but i kind of get to do that, this is my blog.

anyway,  i guess what i am really getting at is this, if something comes across as cryptic, it is that way on purpose.  by all means ask questions, but please don't get offended if i choose to not share anymore.  just like anyone else, i share what i am comfortable sharing.

on a side note: i wish my lips looked like this...