it's saturday y'all...

it is a saturday night.  i am sitting solo, at a four top table, in a hopping bar, in front of a computer screen.  there is dreadful karaoke filling the air, laughter amongst friends, and chatter at each table.  every table except for mine.  besides the glow of my screen and the occasional illumination of the screen on my phone, there is zero action at my table, it is quieter than quiet. 

i came here tonight for a change of scenery.  i can only spend so many hours confined inside the walls of my home.  void of human contact.  i would never make a good solitary confinement inmate.  i would be certifiably mad after a few short hours.  i was doing homework, again, and i was going crazy.  my irrational thought process said, come to a busy bar.

there are two significant problems with this plan.  one it is extremely distracting to get anything constructive done.  two, i feel far more alone than i did at home all alone.  sigh. what is it about being amongst humanity that intensifies the isolation one feels when they go solo?  to be completely honest, i would prefer to be a third wheel over sitting by myself.

this is the kind of night where i wish i had someone in my bed.  someone to cozy up to.  another heartbeat pulsing under my covers.  a man that i could touch, my hand resting on his chest as it rises up and down with each breath he takes.  it is nights like this where i wish i could shelve my morals and just invite some random over to fill the need that i am having.

it is nights like this that i wonder, how long am i going to live this gig?  this gig of keeping my own company, an empty bed, the loneliness that only creeps in under the darkness of night? 

at the end of the day i will go home solo, because that is who i am.  the moment of loneliness will pass and life will carry on. the quietness of my room, the expanse of empty space in my bed, and the wonders of the sandman will transport me to a dreamland that will take all my worries away. 

happy saturday y'all.