a year in review...

something i think most people do when bringing in the new year, is reflect on the year that is wrapping up.  i am by no means an exception.  i have spent a great deal of downtime reflecting on the year 2013.  it was a really tough year emotionally.  i had really low lows and fleeting moments of elation, yet somewhere throughout the year i found a confidence i had been lacking.

have you ever convinced yourself of something that wasn't true?  maybe, if you're like me, you created a fantasy life in your head that nothing could compare to.  i was convinced that the fantasy in my head was going to happen, that it was supposed to happen, that it was meant to happen.

so i spent the first half of the year 2013 waiting.  i was waiting for something to happen.  waiting for someone to share my sentiments.  waiting for the greatest gift to happen.  waiting.  halfway through the year, something did happen.  the answer i was waiting for came, but it wasn't what i wanted to hear.  the hope i had been holding on to was ripped out of my hands, thrown on the ground and squished beyond recognition. that revelation set me free.  in a weird round-a-bout way, it was exactly what i needed so i could move on and stop waiting.  i would be lying if i said that i don't think about a different outcome every now and then, but i don't get stuck in that fantasy anymore.

the second half of the year 2013 was about doing what i needed to do for me. clad in nothing but an orange bikini, sitting in a lawn chair on the shore of a river in leavenworth, talking to one of my dearest and closest friends, i realized (or maybe she said something that flipped a switch) that i was stifling myself.  the only way to change the direction of my life was to take action.

i had been toying with the idea of going back to school.  i had actually asked my mom to research the best programs available for me, one because i didn't want to do it, two because i knew mom would want to be a part of the process, and three mom had more time to do the leg work than i did.  after sitting, for a couple of months, on the information she had collected, i actually signed myself up.  a student at 37.  sometimes, i find myself regretting the decision, but finishing is something i'm determined to do and overall it has been a great experience.  as flighty as i can be, i am learning that i am a really good student.

i also decided to stop waiting for someone to ask me to do things with them and started going to do things all by myself.  there was a time, when i wouldn't have dared walk into a bar, restaurant, or movie theater solo.  i had the notion that if i were "that" girl, i was walking under a neon sign that flashed, "BIG FAT LOSER!"  in fact, i would think that i could go by myself, drive to wherever i was wanting to go, park my rig, but never get out of the car, only to drive home.  fear of being judged kept me trapped in my rig.

realizing that i don't need a partner in crime to share an experience with, i have been going all over the place: events, movies, dinner, the beach, and yes even a couple of bars.  i will admit there are times when i still feel like i have a neon sign over my head, but i have learned to bring a task with me or to go with a specific purpose.  for example, i always bring my story.  i have been working on my story for quite some time, it is actually what prompted this blog, but it is in paper form.  i have made so many revisions it doesn't look anything like it did when i started, but there is still more work to be done.

my other tactic for not feeling like a loser is to go for something specific, a football game perhaps.  i really love football, but i don't have cable at home, which means i must go watch it somewhere else.  i have gone to a few different bars here in town and have found one i like the best.  sometimes, i look like an old lady sitting by myself with the paper and my coffee, but overall the clientele are welcoming and entertaining. 

when i look back at the year, it has been trying.  i lost something that was never mine, but i found something else i had lost long ago.  looking ahead, the coming year is sure to be full of ups and downs.  i can see myself stressing over: papers to be written, logging enough miles on the pavement, trying to nurture relationships, the never ending trials of child rearing, and continuing to grow.  along the way, i know the coming year will be filled with memories that will warm my heart for years to come. 

look out 2014, it's going to a great year.  

i'm on a mission and nothing is going to stop me.  

can't wait to share it with you. 

cheers,

flo