would you ever...

awkward moments.  we have all had them, at least i hope you have had them.  seems like i have my fair share of awkward and bizarre moments.  a recent moment has stuck with me and i have been hesitant to share this publicly.  why?  well because it is just so weird and i still can't believe it happened.  i have shared this moment with a couple of friends and a couple of strangers to get some perspective, and we all came away with the same sentiments...totally weird.

i had met some friends out for a drink after a really long day of work and studying.  one of the friends had one too many so i drove this friend home.  when i got to this friend's house, i had to use the restroom, so i followed my friend in and went into the powder room.

pause for some background information.  i don't like closed rooms, i can't remember a time where i did.  i rarely close the door to the bathroom at my home, even when i have company.  powder rooms are notably small, and small closed rooms are less comfortable than a large closed room.  so knowing this about me you probably aren't surprised that i didn't close the door all the way, i left it cracked.

i'm sitting on the pot, going number one, when the friend comes in.  that in and of itself is kind of weird.  just because the door is open, doesn't mean i want company.  i suppose one could argue that a closed door is the universal sign that i'm unavailable, but does that then mean an open door means come on in?  i suppose that is something to ponder for later.

anyway, this friend comes in.  what happens next is the awkward moment.  the moment that i still can't believe happened.  the moment where i went what is happening?!  

this friend does not use the sink.  the friend does not look in the mirror.  oh no, this friend enters, takes a couple of steps towards me, then straddles my lap and plants a giant kiss on my lips.  for some reason, this friend decided that this is best time for a kiss.  this moment when my pants are around my ankles, thighs are exposed, and my bare butt is pressed against the cold toilet seat.  really?

so what do you do, when you have another human straddling your lap and kissing you?  if you are me, you kiss them back so that the awkward moment ends and then ask your friends would you ever do that?

a small party...

sometimes i have the opportunity to attend some cool events.  i had one of those opportunities the other day.  let me set the scene.  i was enjoying a quiet evening sitting at a table for two, in a darkly lit room with my notebook, writing a short story and sipping a crisp cold scotch ale.  it was one of those moments when the words were flowing freely, when a ding on my phone, i hadn't heard in a while, interrupted me.  the message read:

i have a small party to go to in seattle.  do you want to come?

after a quick review of my clothes, because i knew i wasn't going to have time to go home and change, i said yes, where should i meet you?  so i met my friend and off we went.  on our way down i thought i should find out what i was walking in to.  so, what kind of party are we going to?  after a small chuckle my friend said, it's my company post holiday party.  a company holiday party?  crap, i wasn't dressed appropriately for a holiday party.  i was wearing jeans, an over sized black sweater with a huge white cross on my chest, and flat suede tan boots. 

we pull into the parking garage at the century link stadium with thousands of other cars, find a parking spot and funnel, like a cow in a herd going to slaughter, through the doors to this:

you guessed it, i found myself at amazon's post holiday party.  let me just say this right now, amazon throws one heck of a party.  there is so much amazingness to share, i don't even know where to start.  i suppose i should show the back side of the invitation because it was a map of everything to see

we entered the party smack dab in the middle at icy arctic.  we were greeted with an all male chorus group, dressed in holiday gear complete with earmuffs, singing holiday favorites with an amazon twist. after bypassing the coat check, we entered the party.  first thing i noticed was the shear volume of people.  this "small" holiday party, was the size of the town of snohomish, just a sea of people everywhere you look.

the icy arctic had giant inflatable igloos that you could sit inside of and eat some of the glorious food that was everywhere, or sip on a free beverage.  the snowy park had a karaoke stage and an elevated stage with skaters.  the northern lights was like a night club, it had the main stage, a trapeze artist, and stilt walkers.  the cozy lodge was the game center: foosball, shuffle board, billiards, air hockey and a fire a mini marshmallow into a paint can attached to a wall with a mini bow.  the warm retreat was lit by red lights had tarot card readers and tons of couches for lounging.  every area had food stations, beverage stations and picture opportunities (either a portrait type of photo booth type).

with so many people, you might be hard pressed to find someone you know, if you hadn't made prior arrangements to meet somewhere.  so for the evening we played two games who is the employee? and do you know that person?  the people watching at this party was awesome, my favorite duo was the man who's plus one was a robot.  oh and remember i didn't think i had on the proper attire?  well, the dress ranged anywhere from the man in his swim trunks, t-shirt and flip flops to full on tux and ball gowns.  i fit right in.  

if you ever have a chance to go to a party hosted by amazon, go!  you will not be disappointed.  it was definitely a blast, an opportunity i am glad i didn't pass up.  thank you friend!







2014 goals...

it is that time of year again when the world makes resolutions. changes we vow to take, to improve our quality of life.  unfortunately, i think since we wait for a specific time of year to do it, we aren't all that committed and often times fail at making the change.  which is exactly why i don't make a resolution.

with that said, there are things that i hope to achieve throughout the year.  however, i have no time frame, other than the year 2014, to accomplish the tasks.

for instance, i would like to be more consistent with running.  i have a great running partner, i got new running shoes, and a fancy fitness tracker to wear on my wrist.  all these things should aid me in running more often and logging more miles.  a long time friend of mine, posted on facebook, that he had exceeded his mile goal for the year in -7 degree weather.  i certainly don't have aspirations to log as many miles as he did, but i have a number in mind.  i would say the number i'm shooting for, but that would be too much of a commitment for me.

i would also like to get back into blogging more often.  i have fallen off the wayside.  this is the best outlet for my head, and i have so much pent up inside there i don't know where to start.  if you could see the amount of posts i have started and not finished, let alone posted.  as of late, i haven't been able to find a way to articulate myself.  i suppose i should say...haven't been able to find a way to articulate myself to my liking.  i feel like a broken record, maybe because nothing has really changed.  i still struggle with the same things i have since i started this, the only difference is the players involved.

besides the regular things (getting good grades, being a good mom, making more memories, etc.) that is all i really want to accomplish.  what are your 2014 goals?

not a b.o.b....

i got a new toy for christmas.  no, it doesn't go by the name b.o.b.  my new toy has replaced my hot pink wishing bracelet.  i still don't know if my three fabulous wishes have come true, but i no longer have a bare left wrist.  my new toy is sleek, black, and smooth.  again, it doesn't go by the name b.o.b.

i got a fitbit.  it is this really cool tracking device, not the kind that the judicial system uses to make sure you are staying in your home, but the kind that tracks your movement.  it tells me each day how many steps i take, how many miles i roam, how many calories i burn, flights of stairs i climb, and the time.  all of this is done on a tiny LED display on my wrist.  very cool!

in addition to the wrist thing, which by the way is a pain in the ass to get on, there is an app for my phone which lets me track other things.  i can input how much water i drink a day, what i am eating, i can set up a weight loss program based on caloric intake and physical activity, i can even monitor my sleep patterns.  again, this is so very cool!

in order for all of these cool features to work on the app, you have to give it some information.  hopefully, all of this information isn't being sent to some secret government operation, but if it is, hey, how's it going? anyway, like i was saying, you have to enter personal information: gender, age, height and weight.  you knew this was going to be some personal slam about weight, didn't you?

before i go any further, i am going to stop all you folks who say, "stop being so hard on yourself, you look great" dead in your tracks.  i don't, i repeat, i don't think i look bad.  however, there is always room for improvement, and i don't care who you are, most of us have a little extra padding in the winter.  i prefer to look at my extra padding, as a protective layer from the weather, kind of like a down comforter on your bed.  now that we have that squared away, let's continue.

i had to enter my weight in order to make all the fancy features of this new toy work.  so, i begrudgingly drug out the scale, dusted it off, and stepped on to the darn thing.  i despise scales, even when i'm feeling great about my body.  seriously, weighing yourself  in the dead of winter is just dumb.  anyway, as i'm standing there in all my nakedness, i take a quick peek at the number...not so bad.  if i was going to go by the way my pants fit, i would swear the scale was wrong, because my clothes feel like they are trying to slowly suffocate me.

anyway, i picked up my phone to log in the dreaded number and was wishing that there was some sort of option to explain my current number.  check this out, i think i might be onto something.  wouldn't it be awesome if next to the number you could check a box that said it's winter or maybe my boyfriend just broke up with me or just had a baby?  i know we aren't really supposed to have reasons for our protective layers, but shoot, it would be nice.

so there you have it, a new toy.  i've come to learn that my protective layer is because i move about as much as a banana slug on any given day.  this year, my hibernation period will be short lived, this new contraption is inspiring me to beat the previous day's numbers.  time to get moving.

name calling...

are you a name caller?

when i was married, we had couple friends.  there was one couple in particular that used to call each other names.  they would call each other things when they were happy or mad, in a joking or a dead serious manner, to each other's faces and behind each other's backs.  i always found the way they spoke to each other offensive and was thankful that my husband didn't speak to me that way.  for the record he never did, we had our problems but name calling was never a weapon we used. 

i still find name calling offensive, even when used in a joking manner.  if you want to know something, name calling is a hard line for me and certainly something i won't put up with.  so where is the line?

i am huge fan of pet names or nicknames.  my phone is riddled with crazy names that i use to reference people.  my mamma friends all have nicknames most of them were created around their last names: duedue, shreddie, schaff, kkc, bethy, TT and trickey.  i have friends that i have met through social media sites and i use their screen names as my identifier: RustyWoodenRobot, practically dead, sasquatch and artifice. sometimes i use a noticeable feature as my identifier: 6'10" or saw hat.  there are folks who are identified by their profession: boss man, blazing onion and mandeals.   i also have friends that i call things that have nothing to do with who they are, it just makes me laugh like landscaper and puppy.  as you can see, i am big with nicknames, it helps me remember who people are and how i know them.  however, this isn't at all what i am talking about.

let's say you are me (a woman by all accounts) and you are talking with a fella.  there is some friendly banter going on, you are both making wisecracks and then he says, "oh whatever bitch."  if you are me, all friendly banter stops.  i look at this person with a slack jaw.  red lights, red flags and sirens are going off in my head.  i say, "excuse me?"  "i was just kidding. lighten up."  maybe you have a short conversation about not enjoying being referenced that way, log it into your brain and move on.   

okay let's try out another phrase.  what would you do if the person you are with says, "i didn't know the person with me was going to be a snatch hole."?  i immediately say, "why are you calling me a dirty word?"  "that's not a dirty word."  "uh, yeah it is.  would you say it to a ten year old?"  "no." "dirty word."  

hard line has just been drawn.

did the person throwing down the words realize that they had just crossed the line?  probably not.  in my experience there are groups of people, they usually tend to be folks who don't spend time around kids, who just don't recognize that the words in their everyday language are not always appropriate for every scenarios.  when you only spend time around adults, there really isn't a reason to sensor your words.  i know i use some different words when i am not around kids.

would i have taken the comment differently if one of my closest girlfriends had said it?  possibly.  with my mamma friends, we have established friendships, our own dialogue with each other, and an understanding with each other.  with that said, i've never said, "oh please, c-u-next-tuesday".  regardless of how great our friendship is that would be crossing a line.  however, saying "oh please whore" is completely kosher.

besides the fact that i just don't like name calling, i have a solid reason for feeling this way.  name calling with a negative undertone, regardless of the context (joking or serious), is offensive.  i think if you are comfortable throwing around words with a negative undertone as jokes when you are angry those "joking" words now hold value and you mean them in the manner they are meant.  i'm all for a healthy argument, but attacking someone verbally with nasty words is immature and uncalled for.

now that you know where i stand on name calling tell me about you.  are there words that you tolerate from certain people that you wouldn't from others?  do you have a line that once it is crossed there is no going back?  is name calling a part of your repertoire?  

a year in review...

something i think most people do when bringing in the new year, is reflect on the year that is wrapping up.  i am by no means an exception.  i have spent a great deal of downtime reflecting on the year 2013.  it was a really tough year emotionally.  i had really low lows and fleeting moments of elation, yet somewhere throughout the year i found a confidence i had been lacking.

have you ever convinced yourself of something that wasn't true?  maybe, if you're like me, you created a fantasy life in your head that nothing could compare to.  i was convinced that the fantasy in my head was going to happen, that it was supposed to happen, that it was meant to happen.

so i spent the first half of the year 2013 waiting.  i was waiting for something to happen.  waiting for someone to share my sentiments.  waiting for the greatest gift to happen.  waiting.  halfway through the year, something did happen.  the answer i was waiting for came, but it wasn't what i wanted to hear.  the hope i had been holding on to was ripped out of my hands, thrown on the ground and squished beyond recognition. that revelation set me free.  in a weird round-a-bout way, it was exactly what i needed so i could move on and stop waiting.  i would be lying if i said that i don't think about a different outcome every now and then, but i don't get stuck in that fantasy anymore.

the second half of the year 2013 was about doing what i needed to do for me. clad in nothing but an orange bikini, sitting in a lawn chair on the shore of a river in leavenworth, talking to one of my dearest and closest friends, i realized (or maybe she said something that flipped a switch) that i was stifling myself.  the only way to change the direction of my life was to take action.

i had been toying with the idea of going back to school.  i had actually asked my mom to research the best programs available for me, one because i didn't want to do it, two because i knew mom would want to be a part of the process, and three mom had more time to do the leg work than i did.  after sitting, for a couple of months, on the information she had collected, i actually signed myself up.  a student at 37.  sometimes, i find myself regretting the decision, but finishing is something i'm determined to do and overall it has been a great experience.  as flighty as i can be, i am learning that i am a really good student.

i also decided to stop waiting for someone to ask me to do things with them and started going to do things all by myself.  there was a time, when i wouldn't have dared walk into a bar, restaurant, or movie theater solo.  i had the notion that if i were "that" girl, i was walking under a neon sign that flashed, "BIG FAT LOSER!"  in fact, i would think that i could go by myself, drive to wherever i was wanting to go, park my rig, but never get out of the car, only to drive home.  fear of being judged kept me trapped in my rig.

realizing that i don't need a partner in crime to share an experience with, i have been going all over the place: events, movies, dinner, the beach, and yes even a couple of bars.  i will admit there are times when i still feel like i have a neon sign over my head, but i have learned to bring a task with me or to go with a specific purpose.  for example, i always bring my story.  i have been working on my story for quite some time, it is actually what prompted this blog, but it is in paper form.  i have made so many revisions it doesn't look anything like it did when i started, but there is still more work to be done.

my other tactic for not feeling like a loser is to go for something specific, a football game perhaps.  i really love football, but i don't have cable at home, which means i must go watch it somewhere else.  i have gone to a few different bars here in town and have found one i like the best.  sometimes, i look like an old lady sitting by myself with the paper and my coffee, but overall the clientele are welcoming and entertaining. 

when i look back at the year, it has been trying.  i lost something that was never mine, but i found something else i had lost long ago.  looking ahead, the coming year is sure to be full of ups and downs.  i can see myself stressing over: papers to be written, logging enough miles on the pavement, trying to nurture relationships, the never ending trials of child rearing, and continuing to grow.  along the way, i know the coming year will be filled with memories that will warm my heart for years to come. 

look out 2014, it's going to a great year.  

i'm on a mission and nothing is going to stop me.  

can't wait to share it with you. 

cheers,

flo