a line in the sand....

i have held off on sharing what is going on in my personal life.  i have learned in my ever progressing age that i should bite my tongue until i have had time to process what is happening, what i am feeling and how to proceed.  this isn't always easy, but it seems like when i have a loose tongue i regret things that are said and wish i can take them back.  once the words have left my brain and exited my mouth they can never be taken back tattooing the recipient's brain forever.  the words that were said out of confusion, hurt or anger almost always seem to come back and haunt me when i least expect it. 

i am typically not one who attacks a person's character, integrity or self.  i have never been able to understand why we do the things we do and the more i try to understand the more confused i get.  all i really know for sure is how things affect me and what i can do to make a situation okay for me.  i tend to pick my words carefully and attempt to deliver my message in the least offensive way that i can.  i am not always successful, but i can guarantee you that i try. 

the last few days have left me inadvertently stepping across a line in the sand.  on the left side of this line i am focused, i see myself, my intentions and my direction clearly.  on the right side i have entered a foreign landscape, i recognize the shell of myself but the interior is a stranger with an ulterior motive.   both sides are infused with a healthy dose of crazy for the crazy keeps me going.  what am i talking about????  determination on the left and desperation on the right.

last week, wednesday to be exact, my eternally sunny dreamland turned into a gray minefield.  i received a message that made my smooth road instantly riddled with obstacles.  my initial reaction was to concede, throw my hands in the air and say okay if that is what you want, but that isn't how i was really feeling.  i have never been one to seek confrontation, i avoid it at all costs, but in this case i believe with every part of who i am that the other person is wrong, that the decision was premature and that i was being unfairly judged based on a previous experience.  i quickly realized that i had an overwhelming urge to fight, plead my case, and put everything out on the table, bare my soul if you will. 

this urge is what has had me toeing the line, flirting with insanity, oozing with optimism and drowning in despair.  there is a tug of war happening between my heart and my head, determination and desperation, clinically insane and profoundly sane.  you see why i have learned to bite my tongue i am dancing with disaster.   one wrong move, one flippant remark, one moment too long on the desperate side will squash the person i really am and the direction i want to move.

the past several days have been filled with uncomfortable conversations, frantic journaling, and many hours of reflection.  i have carefully scripted my rebuttal, i have thoughtfully laid out a plan of action and shared my thoughts respectfully.  what happens next is out of my hands, only He knows.