bachelorette #1

i have asked that you be open and share where you are at.  i appreciate the honesty, the candidness, the sincerity in your quest for clarity, but maybe this was a time to be careful what you wish for. 

i took the weekend to escape.  an escape from my head, my feelings, the all consuming wondering what is going to happen next.  the fella that i have been entangled with hit the brakes.  he decided to take the weekend to clear his head and figure things out...get back to you next week.  in response to his "break" i went to portland, i didn't want to sit around dwelling.

portland was awesome.  i ate way too much food, walked a ton, went to a concert, did some shopping, hiked on a cool trail, and went to my idea of heaven...a book store.  i had the privilege of spending my weekend with a seriously cool friend.  keri and i have known each other since we were in 7th grade, but in just the past couple of years we have reconnected and found we have more in common as adults than we did as teens.  i really enjoy her company and she is the most gracious hostess.  i was extremely sad to leave yesterday, but it is like pulling off a bandaid, just get in the car and go.

it was really refreshing to have a weekend without my head.  sure keri and i talked about my current "guy situation" but i felt removed from it.  it was nice to be able to talk about it without all the emotion, but it didn't last.  as i was getting closer and closer to my home a familiar knot starting forming in my stomach.  as soon as i crossed into snohomish county an instant wave of anxiety surrounded me.  i had a pretty good idea of what was coming, but i still didn't want to face it, read it, absorb it. 

i didn't really expect that the weekend would bring this great epiphany or clarity, but what i received this morning made my jaw hit the ground.  it was completely unexpected and has left me slightly pissed off.  my response to the message was; i'm not sure if that is supposed to make me feel good or not, but i want you to be happy.  i appreciate that you are sharing, thank you.  the more i sit on it, the more irked i get.  what i want to say is; well i'm happy that you feel like you have options, but i am not interested in some convoluted competition for your attention, so i am going to opt out.  boy i wish that tough chick in my head would actually speak up sometimes.

in an attempt to be level headed, i've decided to just sit back.  ok so i am ranting a bit here, but seriously this is crazy!  somehow over the past several days i have become a contestant on the dating game, not really what i had in mind.