are you for reals????

stranger: that is the biggest smile i have ever seen, it looks like it hurts (insert an emoticon smiley here). you should tone it down a bit.

me: well it doesn't hurt, it is just how i smile.

i figured i would let it go, but then i got to thinking.  i am really astounded at how free people are with their words, especially when on-line.  there is a certain sense of safety knowing that this is a stranger and the likelihood of running into them at the grocery store isn't too high, but still.  this just seems really rude to me and i will tell you it isn't the only time i have received an email like this. another classicly rude smile comment; what's with the over the gum forced smiles? really, come on? 

since i couldn't let it go, i figured i would ask this fine specimen of the male gender what the deal is...

me: so i've been told this before and i figured i would ask.  is there really something wrong with the fact that i am happy and have a big smile?  is that all you had to say?  if so why bother? i'm not trying to be rude, just curious.

stranger: i was just trying to help you get a date with some constructive criticism.

OH MY WORD!!!  really??  first of all, i don't recall asking for his advice.  i didn't seek him out and say hey what do you think of my smile?  do you think it is a little too much?  this would be a different scenario and maybe even something i could jump on board with.  you know like hey joe-bob does this look okay? yeah i know bad example a totally loaded question, but it is all i've got at the moment. however, this is not the case, i have NEVER met this person so i know i didn't ask for the advice.  second, if all my pictures have the exact same smile then wouldn't you think it was real?  third, if you have nothing nice to say well just keep it to yourself. 

i seriously wanted to respond with some smart ass remark, maybe something like you should lie about your height because ummm you are little on the short side.   or maybe this  is there a reason why you have no hair?  i heard there are some new products out there that are really supposed to work?  or this you seem to be carrying a few extra pounds you might want to hit the gym.  instead of these wonderfully crafted "constructive criticisms" i chose to say well thank you for your advice but i don't know how to smile any other way, it's just my smile.

like i've said before i love the bad ass that lives inside my head.  she is funny, courageous, mischievous and kind of mean, but i'm sure if her words actually escaped my mouth i could find myself in a lot of trouble.  i can picture her in real life, she has crazy hair maybe a mohawk, lots of tattoos, several piercings, combat boots and lots of black leather.  i totally have Lisbeth Salander from The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo series in my head, i wouldn't mess with her.  but i am not her, i am just me, a few more manners and a little more tact than my alter ego.

i get that i am not everyones cup of tea and that there are things that you may not like, hey there are things that i don't like, but not everything you think has to come out of your mouth.  i think a good rule of thumb is, if you wouldn't say it to someones face then you probably shouldn't say it all.  i am speculating that the "nice" man above wouldn't walk up to me, a complete stranger, and tell me my smile is too big and i should tone it down.  i am not quite sure what i would do if someone (man or woman) did.  i would want to kick them in the shins (alter ego) but i am sure i would exaggerate my over the gum, forced, too big smile and say Oh, ok.

bachelorette #1

i have asked that you be open and share where you are at.  i appreciate the honesty, the candidness, the sincerity in your quest for clarity, but maybe this was a time to be careful what you wish for. 

i took the weekend to escape.  an escape from my head, my feelings, the all consuming wondering what is going to happen next.  the fella that i have been entangled with hit the brakes.  he decided to take the weekend to clear his head and figure things out...get back to you next week.  in response to his "break" i went to portland, i didn't want to sit around dwelling.

portland was awesome.  i ate way too much food, walked a ton, went to a concert, did some shopping, hiked on a cool trail, and went to my idea of heaven...a book store.  i had the privilege of spending my weekend with a seriously cool friend.  keri and i have known each other since we were in 7th grade, but in just the past couple of years we have reconnected and found we have more in common as adults than we did as teens.  i really enjoy her company and she is the most gracious hostess.  i was extremely sad to leave yesterday, but it is like pulling off a bandaid, just get in the car and go.

it was really refreshing to have a weekend without my head.  sure keri and i talked about my current "guy situation" but i felt removed from it.  it was nice to be able to talk about it without all the emotion, but it didn't last.  as i was getting closer and closer to my home a familiar knot starting forming in my stomach.  as soon as i crossed into snohomish county an instant wave of anxiety surrounded me.  i had a pretty good idea of what was coming, but i still didn't want to face it, read it, absorb it. 

i didn't really expect that the weekend would bring this great epiphany or clarity, but what i received this morning made my jaw hit the ground.  it was completely unexpected and has left me slightly pissed off.  my response to the message was; i'm not sure if that is supposed to make me feel good or not, but i want you to be happy.  i appreciate that you are sharing, thank you.  the more i sit on it, the more irked i get.  what i want to say is; well i'm happy that you feel like you have options, but i am not interested in some convoluted competition for your attention, so i am going to opt out.  boy i wish that tough chick in my head would actually speak up sometimes.

in an attempt to be level headed, i've decided to just sit back.  ok so i am ranting a bit here, but seriously this is crazy!  somehow over the past several days i have become a contestant on the dating game, not really what i had in mind. 

a line in the sand....

i have held off on sharing what is going on in my personal life.  i have learned in my ever progressing age that i should bite my tongue until i have had time to process what is happening, what i am feeling and how to proceed.  this isn't always easy, but it seems like when i have a loose tongue i regret things that are said and wish i can take them back.  once the words have left my brain and exited my mouth they can never be taken back tattooing the recipient's brain forever.  the words that were said out of confusion, hurt or anger almost always seem to come back and haunt me when i least expect it. 

i am typically not one who attacks a person's character, integrity or self.  i have never been able to understand why we do the things we do and the more i try to understand the more confused i get.  all i really know for sure is how things affect me and what i can do to make a situation okay for me.  i tend to pick my words carefully and attempt to deliver my message in the least offensive way that i can.  i am not always successful, but i can guarantee you that i try. 

the last few days have left me inadvertently stepping across a line in the sand.  on the left side of this line i am focused, i see myself, my intentions and my direction clearly.  on the right side i have entered a foreign landscape, i recognize the shell of myself but the interior is a stranger with an ulterior motive.   both sides are infused with a healthy dose of crazy for the crazy keeps me going.  what am i talking about????  determination on the left and desperation on the right.

last week, wednesday to be exact, my eternally sunny dreamland turned into a gray minefield.  i received a message that made my smooth road instantly riddled with obstacles.  my initial reaction was to concede, throw my hands in the air and say okay if that is what you want, but that isn't how i was really feeling.  i have never been one to seek confrontation, i avoid it at all costs, but in this case i believe with every part of who i am that the other person is wrong, that the decision was premature and that i was being unfairly judged based on a previous experience.  i quickly realized that i had an overwhelming urge to fight, plead my case, and put everything out on the table, bare my soul if you will. 

this urge is what has had me toeing the line, flirting with insanity, oozing with optimism and drowning in despair.  there is a tug of war happening between my heart and my head, determination and desperation, clinically insane and profoundly sane.  you see why i have learned to bite my tongue i am dancing with disaster.   one wrong move, one flippant remark, one moment too long on the desperate side will squash the person i really am and the direction i want to move.

the past several days have been filled with uncomfortable conversations, frantic journaling, and many hours of reflection.  i have carefully scripted my rebuttal, i have thoughtfully laid out a plan of action and shared my thoughts respectfully.  what happens next is out of my hands, only He knows. 

bread crumbs

today my heart feels like a pile of bread crumbs on the floor.  crumbs scattered in a haphazard way, never to be reassembled into what they were before.  either they will be swept up, reshaped into something that resembled my previous heart or a big gust of air will come and blow them away, never being able to get even part of my heart back.  maybe this is how it is supposed to be, it is how your heart learns to deal with pain, grief, disappointment, joy, elation, and love.  i am not sure. 

leather & lace

i went to bed with mascara running down my face, my lids overflowing with tears, burning red eyes, snot dripping from my nose and shivering. seeing as how i was freezing, even with all that emotional turmoil i was frozen to the core from standing in the rain at soccer practice, i wore my super ugly but extra warm scottie dog red fleece pajama bottoms and long sleeve white tshirt.  it is a good thing i sleep alone it wasn't a pretty sight.  i wore myself out crying and slept like a rock until 5:15 this morning.

i was having this glorious dream about matt.  i reached over to the other side of my bed and well he wasn't there because oh yeah i sleep alone.  then i woke up.  disappointed at the emptiness of my bed, my frumpy don't get near me i'm a cranky old witch pajamas, and the fact that it was 45 minutes before i really had to be up i decided that i was going to have a super awesome day.

how was i going to do this?  well, it is a frame of mind, a choice to sluff the negative, be happy and rejoice in all the good that i have going.  relish in the blessings.  remind myself of the things that bring me joy and live for today!  come on thursday show me what you got!

first stop...coffee.  the selection of my mug was crucial today.  i picked the big pink mug with the ruby red sparkly shoes on the front.  pink is my favorite color and someday i will have a pair of sparkly ruby red heels.  i poured my coffee into the perfect mug and cozied back up into my bed, still in my i'm not interested in men pj's, but i've added a giant pink terry cloth robe.  i read a bit, my book is interesting but i am done reading it.  i don't really care what happens to the characters, i am bored with their story.  i still have about 70 pages, maybe i will finish it tonight.  then i facebooked for a bit.  it is always interesting to me to see how late people stay up and the random stuff that is posted in the hours when i am sound asleep.

7:00 am...time to hit the shower.  second step to having a great day is to hack down the forest that is growing on my legs.  one of the benefits of sleeping alone is that you don't have to worry about smooth legs, but today i was aiming for a hair free day, well body hair that is.  shave, loofah, shampoo and condition all under an extra hot steamy shower is a nice addition to having a super day.

time to put my face on and get dressed.  today i needed to wear something that reflected my spunk, my joy of life.  my clothes needed to be creative, unexpected and artistic, oh yeah you can do this with clothing.  start with matching undergarments...something black, something lacy, a little edgy.  okay maybe not edgy, i am going to work and need to be comfortable, but lacy and black i can do.  i stood in front of my closet staring at the plethora of skirts, dresses, blouses, t-shirts, sweatshirts...hmmmmm.  i decided upon a black lace skirt, turtleneck, boots and tights and topped it with a tobacco colored motorcycle leather vest.  i added burnished gold jewelry and a belt.  this was the perfect outfit, sassy, flirty, lots of texture, cool color palette, feminine with a touch of edgy. 

mission accomplished...i had a super awesome day!

clothing can put me in a mood anywhere from sexy to frumpy.  of the outfits i wore this week, thursdays was the best.  this morning i tried on 5 different outfits, i didn't like any of them, but i had to wear something.  i don't like what i ended up with, the top is horrible.  i don't care for the color, the styling is fine, but the color is blah.  the sleeves are too short and i am fidgeting with them, ugh!  so, i will be adding this top to my pile of things i am donating.  another week down in the ol' clothing challenge.  i am hoping for some decent weather next week so i can wear some of my springier clothes. 

april 4- april 8
monday:  brown and cream tweed skirt, cream turtleneck, giraffe print scarf, brown tights and boots
wednesday: gored jean skirt, gray t-shirt and tights, purple vneck cable sweater, black boots and gray and black zebra scarf (wool sweater in april?  anyone else see a problem with this?)
thursday: black lace skirt, black turtleneck, tights and boots (gold zipper on the outside), tobacco leather vest
friday: black cami, tights and boots (with strap detail), denim pencil skirt (i've worn this already), tan surplice knit top.

heartbeat....

my house is missing it's heartbeat.  that rhythmic pulsing that makes the floors rumble, the windows rattle and my head spin.  the elephant feet running up and down the stairs, the arguing over who gets to sit on which side of me for story time, the shoving at the bathroom sink to get to the toothpaste first.  i miss all of this, my house isn't the same without it's heartbeat. 

my kiddos are on spring break and they are spending it with their dad.  they have been gone all week.  i have seen them everyday, because spring soccer practice started this week, but it isn't the same as having them here.  i don't get to wake them up with a kiss in the morning, i don't hear them giggling at the breakfast table, i don't get to yell at P for always being poky and having to wait on her, i don't get to hear about their day when i get home, i don't get to ask, "what do you want for dinner?" and they never agree on the same thing, i don't get to hear mom 3500 times in an hour, i don't get to tuck them into bed. 

i have been dropping them off with their dad (or him picking them up) for over a year now.  every time they leave i cry.  it is hard for me to watch them go even though i know that they will come back.  today i went and picked up P for practice and on the way back i started getting all mushy and mom-like as we got closer to her dad's house.  i wanted to hold her hand and give her big hugs and all she wanted to do was tell me all about her friends and how wet it was and how awesome it is to play soccer in the rain.  i wanted to say "i was there i know give me this moment" but i didn't.  she was so excited and rambling so fast i had to ask her to slow down so i could understand her.  then she got out, blew me a kiss and ran into her dad's house without turning around, no wave, no i love you. 

i drove away feeling empty, sobbing that my babies were in a house that i wasn't welcome in.  i came back home, ate dinner, watched a movie i have seen a thousand times, did some laundry, did the dishes, vacuumed, read a trashy magazine and now i am here in my bed.  crying.  yes crying, not because i hate my life, or i hate my place, or even that i am feeling sorry for myself for the choices i have made.  i simply miss my kids.  even at this hour when they would be sleeping peacefully in their beds, i still miss them because i know they aren't upstairs. 

so i sit here missing the heartbeat of my house.  sometimes reality hits you really hard.  when it hits me i tend to cry.  most of the time i hate that i cry, but right now it feels good to cry.

good night

don't touch me....i'm sleeping!

i posted a question the other day on facebook what do you prefer queen or king?  talking bed size folks, not whether you prefer to be a king or queen.  the responses from women was overwhelmingly king, but the men primarily said queen.  this of course got me thinking.  i have slept in a double, queen and king with a man.  looking back at my marriage i can track my "connection" with my ex depending on the size of bed we shared.  so here is my new thought, can the size of your bed impact your connection with your partner? 

when i first started dating my ex he had a double bed.  sleeping in that bed was kind of comical.  there is really only two ways you can sleep in a double bed with another person.  either you are connected from shoulder to rump and both of you are facing towards the outside of the bed, this is a real bummer if one side is up against a wall because you never get a fresh breath of air seeing as how every exhale you re-inhale because it has just bounced off the wall back into your lungs.  or you are spooning and you have to utilize your synchronized sleeping skills to turn over in unison.  this is definitely an art form that i have not mastered nor do i care to master.

at the time when we shared a double bed (this was only at his house, i had a queen but i lived with mom and he never stayed there), our relationship was new, we were excited by each other, we wanted to be close to each other. 

eventually my ex and i graduated to a queen size bed.  this bed felt huge!  we could turn over whenever we wanted without running into each other.  with our new found expanse of cotton our sleeping habits changed.  i took on a sleeping position that resembled being in a coffin, flat on my back often with my arms folded across my chest.  the way i slept was because he took up the rest of the bed, dominating all the available space.  it was like he was sleeping solo in the double bed and i got the edge.  my presence in our queen bed  became small, i stayed out of the way.  whereas he stretched each limb to fill all the space establishing ownership.

two kids later an upgrade to a king bed and our cozy beginnings turned into dont' touch me, i'm sleeping.  i still slept in my coffin sized space on my side, he still owned the majority of the bed and occasionally we had a munchkin in between.  being an unhappy, wiped out stay at home mom of two i valued my rest more than anything, i had no time for a spontaneous late night romp.  having a vast expanse of cool cotton between us insured that there wouldn't be an accidental touching of feet or any other body part and it suited me just fine. 

it saddens me to recall the destruction of our union.  obviously our connection to each other was not directly caused by the size of our bed, but if we had been forced to reconnect nightly through the intimacy of touch would we have drifted apart so quickly?  you may be thinking that 15 years is not quick, but if you go into something, in this case marriage, thinking it is going to be the rest of your life, 15 years is just a snapshot of what your life together should have been.

i am back in a queen bed and plan to stay in this size bed.  i miss the weight of someone on the other side of the bed.  i miss the heat that is emanated from a man (why do they run so hot? i have no idea, but my bed was definitely warmer with a man in it).  to combat the emptiness of my bed i started piling my folded laundry on the other side, there is a way to stack the laundry to simulate a human being, it doesn't put off any heat, but it is something.

occasionally i share my bed with a man, as of late it is the same man.  he is much better to sleep next to then my laundry, not only is there the weight of a man, but he is really warm (i am often cold).  we sleep in the middle legs tangled, arms draped over the other, toes mingling.  this is a far cry from my coffin position, but it is comfortable and i seriously can't get enough.

so here is my take, i don't think it really matters what size bed you sleep in as long as you keep that connection with your partner.  as for me, i will stick to a queen size bed, the cozier the better.

short sleeves and goose bumps

it is officially spring.  the budding of trees and blooming of flowers inspires me to pull out my wardrobe of color, magenta, pinks, purples, and spring greens.  i want to ditch the black and add more white, but the weather here in the pacific northwest does not really allow for such wardrobe changes.  it is still cold, rainy, and dreary. 

i have sucked it up this past week and donned more short sleeves, foregoing the long sleeve sweater or cardigan, leaving my arms exposed to the elements.  on a short sleeve day while visiting bethy she exclaimed, look at your arms, i haven't seen them since summer!  i looked down at my goose bump covered pasty white winter arms and giggled at her exclamation.  it is true, they haven't made an appearance in a while. 

so my challenge is coming to an end.  i was told yesterday by the challenge givers that we get to shopping at the end of april!  yahoo!!!  i am pretty sure i jumped up and down at this news.  i do have to go the rest of this month with as many new outfits as i can.  as i mentioned in a previous post, i am getting down to the wire, the things i have left are hard to wear in this weather, but i will do my best to make them work. 

the thought of going shopping has got me thinking about things i definitely want and need.  i have two trench coats and a light weight red spring jacket, but i would really like a solid colored trench.  black would be okay, but maybe a bright color like magenta would be fun.  i am also in desperate need of new jeans.  i haven't purchased new jeans in at least the last 5 years.  can't wait to go shopping with the ladies!

March 21-March 25
monday: crop glen plaid pants, brown tights, brown booties, hot pink cardigan, white short sleeve t-shirt
wednesday: navy blue and white fern wrap dress, nude fishnets and red boots
thursday: silver floral skirt with scalloped edge, teal tights, teal short sleeve cowl neck sweater, black pumps
friday: cabi jeans, pink tank with copper sequins, short sleeve brown jacket, brown round toe pumps

March 28-April 1
monday: black and white dress with purple stripe, black hose and pumps
wednesday: bcbg, patterned dress, black tights and boots
thursday: gray pants, black eyelet sweater, black patent flats
friday: h&m  pleated skirt, black short sleeve crew neck t-shirt, black tights, black booties