sometimes words from others speak to me and i listen. if i find truth in what is said i feel that i should share this with others. it would be selffish to keep it to myself, right? so the other day as i was researching Native American culture, i came across this; a teaching by Tecumseh..."so live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide. always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. show respect to all people and grovel to none. when you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. if you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. abuse no one and nothing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirits of its vision. when it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. sing your death song and die like a hero going home."
so who is this Tecumseh, well here you go compliments of Wikipedia: Tecumseh (march 1768-october 5, 1813) was a Native American leader of the Shawnee and a large tribal confederacy that opposed the United States during Tecumseh's War and the War of 1812. he grew up in the Ohio country during the American Revolutionary War and the Northwest Indian War, where he was constantly exposed to warfare.
wouldn't it be nice if we could all live with such acceptance others and a love for what we have not for a desire for what we want. i printed out these words and posted them to my mirror, these beautiful words are posted beside my list of 25 things that make me happy, a note from my daughter, a picture of my very best friend shreddie and myself camping (we look horrible, but are having fun) and a note to myself....just in case you are wondering, it is a BIG mirror.
i woke up late this morning, still feeling terrible but couldn't stand the thought of staying inside another day. so i pulled my hair up in a ponytail (my hair is finally long enough to do that, yeah!), read the lists on the mirror and said morning to shreddie. i decided to go running. first of all, i am NOT a runner. i have absolutely no stamina, i can run for about a song and then i am toast, but i can walk with the best of them. so i headed over to the highschool track.
i stepped out of my car into a surprisingly warm winter morning, filled my lungs with air, fresh clean air and stretched a little. the actual track was all locked up, so i decided to run the perimeter of the track and building. as i started my run, i felt great my head was filled with the words of Tecumseh followed by the words of Laura Munson. the sun was out but you had to look hard through the clouds to see it.
i have been attempting to live in the moment these days. not dwell on what i want to be different, on the things that i want, enjoying the beauty that is all around me, finding joy in the little things. so as i took off running, armed with glorious words, i focused my attention on my body. how each breath filled my lungs, how my feet slapped the pavement, how my rear jiggles (oh how i hate that, but it is my truth), how tense and rigid i hold my upper body. so i quickly adjusted my upper body dropped my shoulders ungripped my hands, shook out my arms and repositioned them in a comfortable but loose position. i conciously took my breath and felt my lungs fill and deflate, felt the sting of the cool air come and go. placed my feet on the concrete gently instead of slamming them into the ground. phew the first lap is done, can i go home now? haha!! i am not a runner, but i do enjoy the challenge of running.
so i made it two miles, i had to walk some of the time, but hey that is alright with me. my purpose today was to absorb the words that were filling my head, move my body a little bit, and enjoy the great outdoors. i accomplished all those things. there is so much in this world to be inspired by; a warm winter day, a bird singing in a tree, teachings from a wise leader, words of wisdom shared from one woman to another...if we are paying attention we can be inspired every minute of everyday.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
trains
i have lived in marysville now for 11 years. i am pretty sure i moved here when i was 23, that was a while ago, my memory fails me sometimes. anyway, i didn't come from a far off land, just the next town over lake stevens. i grew up for all intents and purposes in lake stevens (6th grade through somewhere in my early 20's). i have lived in 4 different places now and from all of them i can hear the train. the train has become a constant and i didn't realize just how much i liked it until just recently.
i was laying in bed the other night just listening. there is something safe and protective about the blanket of darkness. in the stillness of the night when the world around me is resting and calm i can hear the train. it starts as a low rumble far off in the distance. that rumble is like an old friend who has come to carry my day away so i can start fresh tomorrow. i wonder where it started its journey. i wish i could be a passenger to witness the landscape and beauty of our great earth. as i concentrate on the rumble growing louder as it nears i feel peaceful. this powerful machine rolling smoothly through every town, every field, through mountains, past lakes and alongside rivers such an incredible life a train has. as it nears i feel i can hear the swaying of the cars, i can for sure picture them in my head, that hypnotic rocking back and forth, a familiar lullaby that comes every night. the horn blasts as it nears my town, a reminder that the day is done it's time to close your eyes, say a prayer and dream. as the trains rolls through i add a package to it's cargo, sometimes a it's a care package for a loved one, or a box of fear that should never be opened again, but most of the time it is a gift. a gift for bringing comfort and peace to my chaotic and busy life. the rumble grows quieter as it leaves town and somedays i wish i could climb on and see where i end up, but most days i just say goodbye. i am once again wrapped in the stillness of night. my friend will come again tomorrow and i will be waiting for the familiar rumble, the hypnotic lullaby that only comes with the blanket of darkness.
i was laying in bed the other night just listening. there is something safe and protective about the blanket of darkness. in the stillness of the night when the world around me is resting and calm i can hear the train. it starts as a low rumble far off in the distance. that rumble is like an old friend who has come to carry my day away so i can start fresh tomorrow. i wonder where it started its journey. i wish i could be a passenger to witness the landscape and beauty of our great earth. as i concentrate on the rumble growing louder as it nears i feel peaceful. this powerful machine rolling smoothly through every town, every field, through mountains, past lakes and alongside rivers such an incredible life a train has. as it nears i feel i can hear the swaying of the cars, i can for sure picture them in my head, that hypnotic rocking back and forth, a familiar lullaby that comes every night. the horn blasts as it nears my town, a reminder that the day is done it's time to close your eyes, say a prayer and dream. as the trains rolls through i add a package to it's cargo, sometimes a it's a care package for a loved one, or a box of fear that should never be opened again, but most of the time it is a gift. a gift for bringing comfort and peace to my chaotic and busy life. the rumble grows quieter as it leaves town and somedays i wish i could climb on and see where i end up, but most days i just say goodbye. i am once again wrapped in the stillness of night. my friend will come again tomorrow and i will be waiting for the familiar rumble, the hypnotic lullaby that only comes with the blanket of darkness.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
be careful what you wish for....
an interesting thing has happened this week, people seem to be reappearing into my life. one i have been willing to happen and the other is very unexpected. both are boys, not sure why i call them boys because they are men but anyway, both have touched my life in ways that have changed who i am forever.
where to start? guess i should back up and share the conversations i had recently with two of my really good friends (my bbf and my steady date) first my bbf...it was a full day friday at school, so when i got off work i went to her house to visit before picking up my kids. she asked me about J and how i was dealing with everything. "well to be quite honest i am an absolute wreck, i can't eat, i don't sleep, i just want to know. i think he will be back (this could totally be my extremely naive side), but that he won't be back until he is ready and has the time for a relationship." she gives me this look and then says, "i will support you one hundred percent on whatever you decide to do, but can you really be with someone who deals with situations so differently than you do?" i tell her that " i agreed to this, and i know i could bow out at any time, but i believe in him and that i have no idea if i could handle this another time (the crazy person in my head says hell no you can't, look at you!) but, if this were to come up again in the future i would like the option to be included or not." then yesterday i was talking with my steady date, we were on our way to dinner, and i said to her, "i want to be wanted." she looked at me "of course you do, we all do."
so i finally heard from J, it has been almost a month since i have had any contact with him. i got 6 text messages in a row and my heart stopped. instantly a huge knot formed in my stomach and i thought for sure i was going to crash my car! (i was on my way from my bbf's house to get the kids, right after our conversation!!!) i cannot explain just how intense the feelings were at that moment. my phone seemed to be yelling at me, "pick me up! read me now!" and i was terrified to do so. i had been hoping that i would hear something and here it is and i can't bring myself to look. so i get to school, park my car and pick up my phone. i take a deep breath and scroll back to the first of six. i am blown away. it is poem, a beautiful poem, it made me cry, about his grandfather. i wish i could share it, but that is private and i don't have permission to do so. anyway, it was incredible. i replied to the text, "it is beautiful. thank you for sharing" i wanted to say sooo much more, but that wasn't the time to do so.
i wish i could say that things have returned back to normal and the relationship is back on track, but J is still dealing with a lot of things, most of it don't know or understand, but i suppose it just isn't for me to know. i recently read a fantastic book: This is not the story you think it is... by Laura Munson. she has a interesting philosophy about dealing with a partner (a spouse, family member, friend any type of personal relationship that you are invested in), who is hurting and struggling with an issue. she says that in order for that person to heal you need to stay out of the way, not take their actions personally, and let them deal. they may decide to come back to you they may not but you can't make them just because you want it. well i love this philosophy but it is freaking hard to do! it is hard to not WANT, but the few times that i have really embraced what she wrote i have felt more peaceful and trusting. then that nasty woman who makes me doubt and fear starts shouting at me and i take a few steps backwards and start doubting. grrrr...i despise that lady.
so dinner with my steady date...some of our other divorced single friends decided to join us and we had our group "therapy session" ha! not as bad as it sounds, just us poor souls who have a horrible reality in common. we are all at different points of going through and on the other side of divorce but it is a common thread. anyway, one of the male divorcees was a little "touchy" last night. i gave my "date" a look and she just laughed, "careful what you wish for flo!" right about the same time she said that i got a text....this is the completely unexpected person.
C..a little background info would be good. the first time i ever met C, everything inside of me told me i had to touch him. it was so strange, i had never experienced that kind of energy before. it was definitely something that i couldn't ignore, it was intoxicating. the relationship ended up being a passionately charged disaster that ended horribly. looking back i was running from my reality and hoping to have it fixed by someone else, but as we all know that doesn't work. i was in the beginning of my divorce trying to deal with tons of emotions, questioning myself every day if i was making the right decision, scared out of my mind about being a single mom and stupidly trying to have a relationship. in all fairness i wasn't a peach to deal with.
"would i be bothering you if i text you?" my initial reaction was "yes it would, you broke my heart, was down right cruel to me and now you want to text? are you kidding?" but i didn't say that, "sure that would be fine." it is strange, i am leary of his intentions, he says he just wants to be friends. we did have a pretty awesome friendship, he is easy to talk to and we used to bullshit all day, but can you go back to that after a falling out? i don't know, i guess i will find out.
i wish i understood why people do what they do. why do some people come in sweep you off your feet and then drop you in mid air? why do some people touch your life in a way that you can't shake them? why do we connect with people that may not be the right ones to connect with? why? why? why? this is when i need to take the advice of Laura Munson and stop trying to control things that are out of my control, create my own happiness. oy vay, why is that so hard for me to do?
where to start? guess i should back up and share the conversations i had recently with two of my really good friends (my bbf and my steady date) first my bbf...it was a full day friday at school, so when i got off work i went to her house to visit before picking up my kids. she asked me about J and how i was dealing with everything. "well to be quite honest i am an absolute wreck, i can't eat, i don't sleep, i just want to know. i think he will be back (this could totally be my extremely naive side), but that he won't be back until he is ready and has the time for a relationship." she gives me this look and then says, "i will support you one hundred percent on whatever you decide to do, but can you really be with someone who deals with situations so differently than you do?" i tell her that " i agreed to this, and i know i could bow out at any time, but i believe in him and that i have no idea if i could handle this another time (the crazy person in my head says hell no you can't, look at you!) but, if this were to come up again in the future i would like the option to be included or not." then yesterday i was talking with my steady date, we were on our way to dinner, and i said to her, "i want to be wanted." she looked at me "of course you do, we all do."
so i finally heard from J, it has been almost a month since i have had any contact with him. i got 6 text messages in a row and my heart stopped. instantly a huge knot formed in my stomach and i thought for sure i was going to crash my car! (i was on my way from my bbf's house to get the kids, right after our conversation!!!) i cannot explain just how intense the feelings were at that moment. my phone seemed to be yelling at me, "pick me up! read me now!" and i was terrified to do so. i had been hoping that i would hear something and here it is and i can't bring myself to look. so i get to school, park my car and pick up my phone. i take a deep breath and scroll back to the first of six. i am blown away. it is poem, a beautiful poem, it made me cry, about his grandfather. i wish i could share it, but that is private and i don't have permission to do so. anyway, it was incredible. i replied to the text, "it is beautiful. thank you for sharing" i wanted to say sooo much more, but that wasn't the time to do so.
i wish i could say that things have returned back to normal and the relationship is back on track, but J is still dealing with a lot of things, most of it don't know or understand, but i suppose it just isn't for me to know. i recently read a fantastic book: This is not the story you think it is... by Laura Munson. she has a interesting philosophy about dealing with a partner (a spouse, family member, friend any type of personal relationship that you are invested in), who is hurting and struggling with an issue. she says that in order for that person to heal you need to stay out of the way, not take their actions personally, and let them deal. they may decide to come back to you they may not but you can't make them just because you want it. well i love this philosophy but it is freaking hard to do! it is hard to not WANT, but the few times that i have really embraced what she wrote i have felt more peaceful and trusting. then that nasty woman who makes me doubt and fear starts shouting at me and i take a few steps backwards and start doubting. grrrr...i despise that lady.
so dinner with my steady date...some of our other divorced single friends decided to join us and we had our group "therapy session" ha! not as bad as it sounds, just us poor souls who have a horrible reality in common. we are all at different points of going through and on the other side of divorce but it is a common thread. anyway, one of the male divorcees was a little "touchy" last night. i gave my "date" a look and she just laughed, "careful what you wish for flo!" right about the same time she said that i got a text....this is the completely unexpected person.
C..a little background info would be good. the first time i ever met C, everything inside of me told me i had to touch him. it was so strange, i had never experienced that kind of energy before. it was definitely something that i couldn't ignore, it was intoxicating. the relationship ended up being a passionately charged disaster that ended horribly. looking back i was running from my reality and hoping to have it fixed by someone else, but as we all know that doesn't work. i was in the beginning of my divorce trying to deal with tons of emotions, questioning myself every day if i was making the right decision, scared out of my mind about being a single mom and stupidly trying to have a relationship. in all fairness i wasn't a peach to deal with.
"would i be bothering you if i text you?" my initial reaction was "yes it would, you broke my heart, was down right cruel to me and now you want to text? are you kidding?" but i didn't say that, "sure that would be fine." it is strange, i am leary of his intentions, he says he just wants to be friends. we did have a pretty awesome friendship, he is easy to talk to and we used to bullshit all day, but can you go back to that after a falling out? i don't know, i guess i will find out.
i wish i understood why people do what they do. why do some people come in sweep you off your feet and then drop you in mid air? why do some people touch your life in a way that you can't shake them? why do we connect with people that may not be the right ones to connect with? why? why? why? this is when i need to take the advice of Laura Munson and stop trying to control things that are out of my control, create my own happiness. oy vay, why is that so hard for me to do?
week 2 of clothing challenge
wow! i have more clothes than i thought i had, but i do wear them, all of them. so during the weekend i really looked at what i had to see just how long this was going to last. well here is what i have: about 32 work appropriate skirts, about 30 work dresses, a handful of pants (there is a story with pants...) tops, i am a little shy on, but i am creative. so realistically i can go 2 full months without wearing the same thing twice. if i start mixing it all up, i could go much longer.
so slacks, pants that aren't jeans or sweats...i have issues with them. my co-worker wears them everyday and she always looks professional and put together. i have a couple of pairs of slacks, but i despise the days that i actually wear them. first of all i am not sure what kind of undergarments to wear with them. with a skirt or dress i am in spanx or hosiery, but you don't wear those with slacks. that would just be silly to wear a pair of tights under your slacks and im sorry but spanx don't always stay put and then you've got the leg roll and it is much harder to fix that in slacks then a dress. so spanx and hosiery are out. i'm not a fan of VPL...you know Visible Panty Lines, so this leaves me with two options; nothing...ewww! or a thong. now i don't have a problem with a thong on most days, but for some reason in slacks they ride. not such a good feeling, ladies you will understand this. im sure there are a few token guys out there that will understand this too, yes i know some of you. so, what other option is there besides a thong that rides and you are constantly adjusting? my other problem with slacks besides the panties issue, i know you are thinking how can there possibly be more issues, but oh yes i have one more, when i sit down they bunch up in a place that i don't really want them bunching. grrr.... slacks are just really uncomfortable.
i think the hardest part of this challenge is the freeze on buying. now i am not a huge spender and i don't buy something unless i really like it. when i do buy something i usually know exactly what i will wear it with, something else i learned from "What Not To Wear" and the clothing designer. it is much easier to buy an outfit than just pieces, but if you are going to buy just a piece you should know what you already have that it will work with. so last weekend i was out with my kids at Target, the kids wanted to spend their Christmas money, on our way to the toy aisle we passed the women's department, the undergarment department, the pj's department. oh my word, i wanted to to stop but didn't. what is the point? i can't buy anything...just keep walking heather, just keep walking. it is kind of like when you are pregnant and you HAVE to buy maternity clothes, nothing looks cute or flattering, but when you aren't all the clothes look cute.
as i walking through Target and passing the women's department, i was thinking well maybe i could work on my undergarment collection, there weren't any rules or regulations about that, right? i have always wanted matching bras and panties. im not sure why, but it seems very sexy and grown up. i wonder if all women have this, but i get some sort of satisfaction knowing that underneath the outfit that the world gets to see there is another one underneath. on a matching day, i seem to walk a little taller, have a little extra swing of the hips, throw in a pair of heels and well watch out!! ha!
ok i got a little off track there. week #2. since i first posted about this last thursday, i need to include friday from last week into the list.
friday: gray cowl neck racer back jumper, teal long sleeve tee, black suede slouchy boot.
monday: sage green long skirt, cream turtleneck, braided wide belt and cowboy boots..yeehaw!
wednesday: long sleeve burn out black crew neck tee, maroon tank knit dress, short sleeve grey cable knit hooded cardigan, flat black leather boots
thursday: black v-neck long sleeve tee, purple tank dress, wide black belt, black boots with zip on the outside
friday: every LAST friday of the month is casual friday so i got to wear jeans with a long sleeve pink tee and grey cardigan and my purple ecofriendly tennis! love casual friday
tuesdays are left off because i am at school all day with my kiddos. this is just work clothes. so far so good, two weeks down, not one piece has been repeated.
so slacks, pants that aren't jeans or sweats...i have issues with them. my co-worker wears them everyday and she always looks professional and put together. i have a couple of pairs of slacks, but i despise the days that i actually wear them. first of all i am not sure what kind of undergarments to wear with them. with a skirt or dress i am in spanx or hosiery, but you don't wear those with slacks. that would just be silly to wear a pair of tights under your slacks and im sorry but spanx don't always stay put and then you've got the leg roll and it is much harder to fix that in slacks then a dress. so spanx and hosiery are out. i'm not a fan of VPL...you know Visible Panty Lines, so this leaves me with two options; nothing...ewww! or a thong. now i don't have a problem with a thong on most days, but for some reason in slacks they ride. not such a good feeling, ladies you will understand this. im sure there are a few token guys out there that will understand this too, yes i know some of you. so, what other option is there besides a thong that rides and you are constantly adjusting? my other problem with slacks besides the panties issue, i know you are thinking how can there possibly be more issues, but oh yes i have one more, when i sit down they bunch up in a place that i don't really want them bunching. grrr.... slacks are just really uncomfortable.
i think the hardest part of this challenge is the freeze on buying. now i am not a huge spender and i don't buy something unless i really like it. when i do buy something i usually know exactly what i will wear it with, something else i learned from "What Not To Wear" and the clothing designer. it is much easier to buy an outfit than just pieces, but if you are going to buy just a piece you should know what you already have that it will work with. so last weekend i was out with my kids at Target, the kids wanted to spend their Christmas money, on our way to the toy aisle we passed the women's department, the undergarment department, the pj's department. oh my word, i wanted to to stop but didn't. what is the point? i can't buy anything...just keep walking heather, just keep walking. it is kind of like when you are pregnant and you HAVE to buy maternity clothes, nothing looks cute or flattering, but when you aren't all the clothes look cute.
as i walking through Target and passing the women's department, i was thinking well maybe i could work on my undergarment collection, there weren't any rules or regulations about that, right? i have always wanted matching bras and panties. im not sure why, but it seems very sexy and grown up. i wonder if all women have this, but i get some sort of satisfaction knowing that underneath the outfit that the world gets to see there is another one underneath. on a matching day, i seem to walk a little taller, have a little extra swing of the hips, throw in a pair of heels and well watch out!! ha!
ok i got a little off track there. week #2. since i first posted about this last thursday, i need to include friday from last week into the list.
friday: gray cowl neck racer back jumper, teal long sleeve tee, black suede slouchy boot.
monday: sage green long skirt, cream turtleneck, braided wide belt and cowboy boots..yeehaw!
wednesday: long sleeve burn out black crew neck tee, maroon tank knit dress, short sleeve grey cable knit hooded cardigan, flat black leather boots
thursday: black v-neck long sleeve tee, purple tank dress, wide black belt, black boots with zip on the outside
friday: every LAST friday of the month is casual friday so i got to wear jeans with a long sleeve pink tee and grey cardigan and my purple ecofriendly tennis! love casual friday
tuesdays are left off because i am at school all day with my kiddos. this is just work clothes. so far so good, two weeks down, not one piece has been repeated.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
kids
i was having an emotional conversation with my "steady date" the other morning. the two of us seem to be on a parallel course through this life. our paths crossed several years back, but it wasn't the time for us to really connect. unfortunately our course through life hasn't been the easiest, but we draw strength from each others triumphs and we can commiserate in our failures, HUGE failures.
i had read on her fb page that she had an amazing conversation the previous day, but when i went to talk with her, she was near tears. at first i was really concerned, but quickly realized that her tears were from being overwhelmed with positive news. she had been talking with a counselor about her son, and was validated in how she was handling his behavior.
then we got to talking about raising kids; how we discipline or lack thereof, what other parents expect us to do with our kids, what is socially accepted by other adults, the gamut. it was a short conversation, but it has got me thinking....there are so many ways to raise children is there a right or wrong? i can honestly say that i don't believe that there is only one way to do it, each kiddo is different and will require different strategies to help them be successful. i personally belive that if we (the parents) can keep in mind that our children are learning how to be adults (most of the time by immitating us) we can have a different perspective on why they are doing what they are doing.
i touched on this the other day with my daughter. she is a beautiful, strong-willed 9 year old. she has had an opinion since she was very very little. i will never forget the summer when she was 18 months old, yes 18 months old, we were shopping for summer for clothes. i was hugely pregnant with my son and i just wanted to get in and out of the store. every item i picked out she said "NO". i let her out of the cart and said, "go ahead pick some clothes then." we left the store with several things she had picked and several things that i had picked. well she NEVER wore the items that i picked! i have to say i was really surprised, but she had said no and she meant it, she didn't like them and wasn't going to wear them. lesson learned, don't try to pick out clothes for my daughter. now i suppose some other parent out there would've forced their child wear ALL the summer clothes that were purchased, "i spent good money on these and you are going to wear them.", but i didn't. my thought process was and still is, "why should she have to wear what i want her to wear? nobody tells me what to wear, this is (at her age) a means of expression on who she is, one of the only means of expression she has."
another moment in time with my daughter sticks out, this was much more recently, last school year in fact. we (the kids and myself) were in the car on our way to school and the kiddos were arguing in the back seat. big sis is correcting everything, i mean EVERYTHING her brother is doing, so i say to her, "when you are perfect then you can tell your brother what to do." without a blink of an eye she spouts off, "you aren't perfect and you tell me what to do all the time." crap, she is right, but i can't tell her that, "well dear, you are right, but i got the priviledge of telling you what to do when i gave birth to you."
oy, she is just too much sometimes. so my daughter, she is tons of fun, she drives me absolutely crazy, she definitely keeps me on my toes. my job as her parent is to teach how to use her words in a manner that isn't such a stab in the chest because there is an effective way of communicating that isn't so harsh, but she is 9 that skill is still "under construction". she is always looking for a loop hole to accomplish something the way she wants to but still come to the same conclusion that is expected of her. she has many qualities that adults are praised for, but for some reason those same qualities don't have the same weight as a youth. most of the time she comes across as a brat, who sasses and is rude. i try not squash her just redirect her in a more acceptable manner.
then we have my son, now he is whole different cat. cautious is a good word for him. he is not the bravest soul on the planet and takes forever to warm up to new situations and new people, but he has a funny sense of humor. he is the type of kid who sits back and never says anything and then all of sudden he is reading and you had no idea he could do that.
when my son was really young he was diagnosed with "sensory processing disorder". he was in speech therapy, when our therapist suggested that he have further testing, she said "there is something else going on with him." we met with an occupational therapist and she observed him and i filled out a questionaire. now before you scoff at this, i think everyone who fills out this questionaire will discover that they are "sensitive" in some way or another, in my sons case his sensitivity was impacting his daily life and his quality of life. the o.t. says to me, "your son has a brain disorder...." i know she kept talking, i could see her mouth moving, but i didn't hear anything else she said. well i threw him into every type of therapy that was available and i read as much as i could to try and understand what he was going through and how i could help him succeed. he is now 7 and he has gained many tools and has matured and most of the time it is hard to tell that something may be "off" about him.
so i said he is cautious, well he played a team sport for the first time this past year, soccer. we practiced for several weeks before our first game. i was so excited, it was his first game and from what i could see at practice he has some natural skills. so we are all suited up standing on the sideline and the coach calls him to go in and he freezes. he says NO, and then proceeds to start bawling! oh my word, what in the world is wrong? i cannot even imagine why this is so scary, he totally looks forward to practice and plays at home all the time with his sis and he has been so excited about playing a game, and then he says NO, you've got to be kidding me. i kneel next to him and turn him towards the field so he can see the game. he walks away saying he doesn't want to play anymore. coach asks again if he wants to come in and he still says no. so i walk him away from everyone, but we are still facing the field, and i ask him, "what is the problem? how can we fix it so you can play?" he says, " i don't know who all these people are? i don't know where the edge of the field is? what are those nets for? who are those other kids?" oh my goodness, my head is swimming, everyone is looking at us because this kid is having a complete meltdown...ok think mom, start with the first question.
1. all the people: well those are family members of the players, they came to see their kids play their first game. all the other kids are another team and those people on the other side of the field are their family members.
2. edge of the field....during practice his field is marked off with cones, there are no cones on this field. so the edge is the white lines, do you see them? ok, that is the out of bounds. so we walk around part of the field so he can see the edges.
3. the nets...well on his practice field there are no nets, the goals are marked with cones. those are the goals, you want to put the ball into the net.
ok, he is calmed down, seems a little more sure of the game and who all the people are and how the field works. now to get him out there. the first half is over, he hasn't played at all. the coach comes over and asks him if he wants to play? coach says just stand by me and i will tell you what to do, just listen to my voice. so 2nd half and he goes in, i have got my fingers crossed, and within moments he has scored a goal. he is smiling from ear to ear. he was fine the rest of the game.
i talk about this incident because it was a stellar parenting moment for me but i also tore myself apart. sometimes with this kiddo i feel like i should be able to anticipate some of the issues that come up. we have worked so hard in helping him feel comfortable in his environment so that he is successful. but geez i had no idea that the fact there were no cones was going to be an issue, it hadn't ever crossed my mind. this was a stellar moment for me because instead of yelling at my kid, or insisting that he go out and play, or give him an ultimatum, i stayed calm, listenend to what he was saying, offered my help to fix some of the problems and together we got through it.
he has issues with noise; too much noise and he doesn't seem to be able focus on the important sounds, too loud and he covers his ears, unexpected loud noises and he is hiding. during church he is often laying underneath the pew with his ears covered, our church has live music and it is just too loud for him. it is not how most parents would let there kid behave at church, but he is being quiet and im sure is paying attention, it's simply just too loud. when he flushes a toilet, residential or commercial, he always covers one ear when he flushes and then quickly brings up his hand to cover the other ear. it is strange but he can't stand it.
i was recently told that "maybe he reacts to these situations in a "negative manner" because you baby him." i have to say that i immediately went into defensive mamma bear mode. first of all i want to address negative manner, for me it isn't negative it is just not how a typical kid his age would react. he is not a kid who throws tantrums or makes big disturbances to the others around him. he may cry, cover his ears, ask repeatedly to be done with whatever because it is too overwhelming for him to process, but i don't look at it as negative. second, i don't baby him. he is diagnosed with a disorder, but it is not an excuse for poor behavior. he has to work harder at using his tools to function in a society that wants children to "obey and conform". since when does giving a child a hug and comfort a form of babying?
my job as his parent is to help him navigate a world that he finds scary and confusing. i have to help him use the tools he knows so he can function. i couldn't imagine having a "disability" that impacted my daily life. as a mom it is hard to watch him sometimes and believe me there are times when i want to say, "buck up, you have to do this i just don't really care if it is scary or uncomfortable." but i have learned with him that if it is something he really doesn't want to do, don't bother, that experience will be a disaster. does this give him too much control? for me, no. i have watched him grow for so long i am able to recognize the looks and signals he gives when he knows that it is just going to be too much.
i think that i might come from a different point of view when it comes to parenting. i do not think that my kids have to adopt all of my ideals or obey my every command. now, when i ask them to stop arguing, i do expect them to do it. and when i ask them to help out they are expected to do so. but i guess i am talking about a bigger scope, shouldn't we be encouraging our kids to make mistakes, use their brains to solve problems, learn life by experimentation, nuture the strengths that they are naturally born with and help them develop into respectful productive adults? if this is the goal of parents then how can we accomplish that by expecting them to obey all of our rules, conform to our ideas, never go outside of the rigid lines we set up and fail?
i had read on her fb page that she had an amazing conversation the previous day, but when i went to talk with her, she was near tears. at first i was really concerned, but quickly realized that her tears were from being overwhelmed with positive news. she had been talking with a counselor about her son, and was validated in how she was handling his behavior.
then we got to talking about raising kids; how we discipline or lack thereof, what other parents expect us to do with our kids, what is socially accepted by other adults, the gamut. it was a short conversation, but it has got me thinking....there are so many ways to raise children is there a right or wrong? i can honestly say that i don't believe that there is only one way to do it, each kiddo is different and will require different strategies to help them be successful. i personally belive that if we (the parents) can keep in mind that our children are learning how to be adults (most of the time by immitating us) we can have a different perspective on why they are doing what they are doing.
i touched on this the other day with my daughter. she is a beautiful, strong-willed 9 year old. she has had an opinion since she was very very little. i will never forget the summer when she was 18 months old, yes 18 months old, we were shopping for summer for clothes. i was hugely pregnant with my son and i just wanted to get in and out of the store. every item i picked out she said "NO". i let her out of the cart and said, "go ahead pick some clothes then." we left the store with several things she had picked and several things that i had picked. well she NEVER wore the items that i picked! i have to say i was really surprised, but she had said no and she meant it, she didn't like them and wasn't going to wear them. lesson learned, don't try to pick out clothes for my daughter. now i suppose some other parent out there would've forced their child wear ALL the summer clothes that were purchased, "i spent good money on these and you are going to wear them.", but i didn't. my thought process was and still is, "why should she have to wear what i want her to wear? nobody tells me what to wear, this is (at her age) a means of expression on who she is, one of the only means of expression she has."
another moment in time with my daughter sticks out, this was much more recently, last school year in fact. we (the kids and myself) were in the car on our way to school and the kiddos were arguing in the back seat. big sis is correcting everything, i mean EVERYTHING her brother is doing, so i say to her, "when you are perfect then you can tell your brother what to do." without a blink of an eye she spouts off, "you aren't perfect and you tell me what to do all the time." crap, she is right, but i can't tell her that, "well dear, you are right, but i got the priviledge of telling you what to do when i gave birth to you."
oy, she is just too much sometimes. so my daughter, she is tons of fun, she drives me absolutely crazy, she definitely keeps me on my toes. my job as her parent is to teach how to use her words in a manner that isn't such a stab in the chest because there is an effective way of communicating that isn't so harsh, but she is 9 that skill is still "under construction". she is always looking for a loop hole to accomplish something the way she wants to but still come to the same conclusion that is expected of her. she has many qualities that adults are praised for, but for some reason those same qualities don't have the same weight as a youth. most of the time she comes across as a brat, who sasses and is rude. i try not squash her just redirect her in a more acceptable manner.
then we have my son, now he is whole different cat. cautious is a good word for him. he is not the bravest soul on the planet and takes forever to warm up to new situations and new people, but he has a funny sense of humor. he is the type of kid who sits back and never says anything and then all of sudden he is reading and you had no idea he could do that.
when my son was really young he was diagnosed with "sensory processing disorder". he was in speech therapy, when our therapist suggested that he have further testing, she said "there is something else going on with him." we met with an occupational therapist and she observed him and i filled out a questionaire. now before you scoff at this, i think everyone who fills out this questionaire will discover that they are "sensitive" in some way or another, in my sons case his sensitivity was impacting his daily life and his quality of life. the o.t. says to me, "your son has a brain disorder...." i know she kept talking, i could see her mouth moving, but i didn't hear anything else she said. well i threw him into every type of therapy that was available and i read as much as i could to try and understand what he was going through and how i could help him succeed. he is now 7 and he has gained many tools and has matured and most of the time it is hard to tell that something may be "off" about him.
so i said he is cautious, well he played a team sport for the first time this past year, soccer. we practiced for several weeks before our first game. i was so excited, it was his first game and from what i could see at practice he has some natural skills. so we are all suited up standing on the sideline and the coach calls him to go in and he freezes. he says NO, and then proceeds to start bawling! oh my word, what in the world is wrong? i cannot even imagine why this is so scary, he totally looks forward to practice and plays at home all the time with his sis and he has been so excited about playing a game, and then he says NO, you've got to be kidding me. i kneel next to him and turn him towards the field so he can see the game. he walks away saying he doesn't want to play anymore. coach asks again if he wants to come in and he still says no. so i walk him away from everyone, but we are still facing the field, and i ask him, "what is the problem? how can we fix it so you can play?" he says, " i don't know who all these people are? i don't know where the edge of the field is? what are those nets for? who are those other kids?" oh my goodness, my head is swimming, everyone is looking at us because this kid is having a complete meltdown...ok think mom, start with the first question.
1. all the people: well those are family members of the players, they came to see their kids play their first game. all the other kids are another team and those people on the other side of the field are their family members.
2. edge of the field....during practice his field is marked off with cones, there are no cones on this field. so the edge is the white lines, do you see them? ok, that is the out of bounds. so we walk around part of the field so he can see the edges.
3. the nets...well on his practice field there are no nets, the goals are marked with cones. those are the goals, you want to put the ball into the net.
ok, he is calmed down, seems a little more sure of the game and who all the people are and how the field works. now to get him out there. the first half is over, he hasn't played at all. the coach comes over and asks him if he wants to play? coach says just stand by me and i will tell you what to do, just listen to my voice. so 2nd half and he goes in, i have got my fingers crossed, and within moments he has scored a goal. he is smiling from ear to ear. he was fine the rest of the game.
i talk about this incident because it was a stellar parenting moment for me but i also tore myself apart. sometimes with this kiddo i feel like i should be able to anticipate some of the issues that come up. we have worked so hard in helping him feel comfortable in his environment so that he is successful. but geez i had no idea that the fact there were no cones was going to be an issue, it hadn't ever crossed my mind. this was a stellar moment for me because instead of yelling at my kid, or insisting that he go out and play, or give him an ultimatum, i stayed calm, listenend to what he was saying, offered my help to fix some of the problems and together we got through it.
he has issues with noise; too much noise and he doesn't seem to be able focus on the important sounds, too loud and he covers his ears, unexpected loud noises and he is hiding. during church he is often laying underneath the pew with his ears covered, our church has live music and it is just too loud for him. it is not how most parents would let there kid behave at church, but he is being quiet and im sure is paying attention, it's simply just too loud. when he flushes a toilet, residential or commercial, he always covers one ear when he flushes and then quickly brings up his hand to cover the other ear. it is strange but he can't stand it.
i was recently told that "maybe he reacts to these situations in a "negative manner" because you baby him." i have to say that i immediately went into defensive mamma bear mode. first of all i want to address negative manner, for me it isn't negative it is just not how a typical kid his age would react. he is not a kid who throws tantrums or makes big disturbances to the others around him. he may cry, cover his ears, ask repeatedly to be done with whatever because it is too overwhelming for him to process, but i don't look at it as negative. second, i don't baby him. he is diagnosed with a disorder, but it is not an excuse for poor behavior. he has to work harder at using his tools to function in a society that wants children to "obey and conform". since when does giving a child a hug and comfort a form of babying?
my job as his parent is to help him navigate a world that he finds scary and confusing. i have to help him use the tools he knows so he can function. i couldn't imagine having a "disability" that impacted my daily life. as a mom it is hard to watch him sometimes and believe me there are times when i want to say, "buck up, you have to do this i just don't really care if it is scary or uncomfortable." but i have learned with him that if it is something he really doesn't want to do, don't bother, that experience will be a disaster. does this give him too much control? for me, no. i have watched him grow for so long i am able to recognize the looks and signals he gives when he knows that it is just going to be too much.
i think that i might come from a different point of view when it comes to parenting. i do not think that my kids have to adopt all of my ideals or obey my every command. now, when i ask them to stop arguing, i do expect them to do it. and when i ask them to help out they are expected to do so. but i guess i am talking about a bigger scope, shouldn't we be encouraging our kids to make mistakes, use their brains to solve problems, learn life by experimentation, nuture the strengths that they are naturally born with and help them develop into respectful productive adults? if this is the goal of parents then how can we accomplish that by expecting them to obey all of our rules, conform to our ideas, never go outside of the rigid lines we set up and fail?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
color, pattern, texture, shine....
several weeks ago i was talking with my bbf ( best, best friend) about my desire to get new clothes. here is how the conversation went:
flo: i want new clothes, i have nothing to wear!!
bbf: you have more clothes than anyone i know.
flo: (sheepish grin) yeah i know, but i am sick of wearing the same thing all the time.
bbf: ha!
flo: i guess i should switch it up, not buy new clothes just mix them up differently.
so today i walk my kiddos into school and stop in at 2nd grade to visit some of my favorite teachers, this is where a challenge was laid down. how long can i go without purchasing a new item of clothing and not wear the same thing twice? i can wear some of the same pieces but they can't mixed together in the same combination. ok, this will be fun. i have tons of work clothes; skirts, dresses, sweaters, blouses some of the items i rarely wear, others i wear too often. alright game on!
this should be an interesting and eye opening challenge for me. as with everyone else, i think that i get stuck in ruts; clothing, food, exercise (or lack there of), music i am listening to, types of books i am reading, interactions with my kids after school. this year i am attempting to do more things that bring joy to my life. fashion is definitely one of those things to brings joy to my day.
for a couple of years i worked for a clothing designer, Carol Anderson. that was a great experience, i learned loads about how to dress myself and others, although i am better at myself. what parts to accentuate, and how to do that in a fashion foward flattering way. i can be very daring with my combinations, but since i work in a professional office, i need to keep it somewhat toned down. when i had television (i have not had cable since June and i don't miss it a bit!), i was a huge fan of "What Not To Wear". there is so much to learn about how to put outfits together. i love fashion magazines, but they are so expensive i don't usually buy them, although i always buy the September Issue of Vogue (it was also a great documentary, if you love fashion check it out). i find that InStyle also has a lot of usuable information for the regular consumer.
i personally don't think that you have to spend lots of money on clothing to look fashion forward and "put together". i have found some of my favorite items of clothing at the goodwill, i am actually wearing one of them today. i NEVER try on clothes at the store. i am pretty familiar with my body and can generally look at the cut of something and know if it will work for me. sometimes it is a huge bust and i can't stand what i've purchased but i hold onto it. i NEVER return things. stupid i know, but usually i can make something work and if i can't, well i pass it on to someone who can.
my personal rules about clothes...
1. you should be comfortable in what you are wearing. if you are tugging and readjusting frequently you just look silly.
2. your outfit should be interesting to look at, hence the title of this post color, pattern, texture, shine. according to Stacy London these four things are essential to an interesting outfit. i don't always get this correct, but i try.
3. 3 colors are more interesting than 2. i am a huge fan of an all black outfit, but i love color and try to wear it as often as i can.
so i am not sure how i am going to keep track of what i have worn other than i will have to write it down. maybe i will post weekly? since i was handed the challenge i have been wondering if it starts today or should i include the whole week? i will include the week, since most of what i have worn this week, i haven't worn in ages.
monday: black, crew neck, pointelle sweater, CAbi applique skirt, slouchy suede black boots and cream and gold fleur de lis trench coat. (this whole outfit is CAbi, the designer i used to work for. her clothes are incredible!)
tuesday: i volunteer at my kids school, not an "office" work day for me
wednesday: navy blue knit dress with 2 different colored purple stripes, dark grey fishnets, purple flannel peep toe pumps and my navy and cream floral trench coat.
today, thursday: camel colored suede skirt (my thrift store find), teal short sleeve cowl neck sweater, cream floral long sleeve tee, brown floral tights, brown leather belt and boots and my brown faux fur coat.
friday: to be decided....
i wonder how long i can do this? my prediction is 3 months.
flo: i want new clothes, i have nothing to wear!!
bbf: you have more clothes than anyone i know.
flo: (sheepish grin) yeah i know, but i am sick of wearing the same thing all the time.
bbf: ha!
flo: i guess i should switch it up, not buy new clothes just mix them up differently.
so today i walk my kiddos into school and stop in at 2nd grade to visit some of my favorite teachers, this is where a challenge was laid down. how long can i go without purchasing a new item of clothing and not wear the same thing twice? i can wear some of the same pieces but they can't mixed together in the same combination. ok, this will be fun. i have tons of work clothes; skirts, dresses, sweaters, blouses some of the items i rarely wear, others i wear too often. alright game on!
this should be an interesting and eye opening challenge for me. as with everyone else, i think that i get stuck in ruts; clothing, food, exercise (or lack there of), music i am listening to, types of books i am reading, interactions with my kids after school. this year i am attempting to do more things that bring joy to my life. fashion is definitely one of those things to brings joy to my day.
for a couple of years i worked for a clothing designer, Carol Anderson. that was a great experience, i learned loads about how to dress myself and others, although i am better at myself. what parts to accentuate, and how to do that in a fashion foward flattering way. i can be very daring with my combinations, but since i work in a professional office, i need to keep it somewhat toned down. when i had television (i have not had cable since June and i don't miss it a bit!), i was a huge fan of "What Not To Wear". there is so much to learn about how to put outfits together. i love fashion magazines, but they are so expensive i don't usually buy them, although i always buy the September Issue of Vogue (it was also a great documentary, if you love fashion check it out). i find that InStyle also has a lot of usuable information for the regular consumer.
i personally don't think that you have to spend lots of money on clothing to look fashion forward and "put together". i have found some of my favorite items of clothing at the goodwill, i am actually wearing one of them today. i NEVER try on clothes at the store. i am pretty familiar with my body and can generally look at the cut of something and know if it will work for me. sometimes it is a huge bust and i can't stand what i've purchased but i hold onto it. i NEVER return things. stupid i know, but usually i can make something work and if i can't, well i pass it on to someone who can.
my personal rules about clothes...
1. you should be comfortable in what you are wearing. if you are tugging and readjusting frequently you just look silly.
2. your outfit should be interesting to look at, hence the title of this post color, pattern, texture, shine. according to Stacy London these four things are essential to an interesting outfit. i don't always get this correct, but i try.
3. 3 colors are more interesting than 2. i am a huge fan of an all black outfit, but i love color and try to wear it as often as i can.
so i am not sure how i am going to keep track of what i have worn other than i will have to write it down. maybe i will post weekly? since i was handed the challenge i have been wondering if it starts today or should i include the whole week? i will include the week, since most of what i have worn this week, i haven't worn in ages.
monday: black, crew neck, pointelle sweater, CAbi applique skirt, slouchy suede black boots and cream and gold fleur de lis trench coat. (this whole outfit is CAbi, the designer i used to work for. her clothes are incredible!)
tuesday: i volunteer at my kids school, not an "office" work day for me
wednesday: navy blue knit dress with 2 different colored purple stripes, dark grey fishnets, purple flannel peep toe pumps and my navy and cream floral trench coat.
today, thursday: camel colored suede skirt (my thrift store find), teal short sleeve cowl neck sweater, cream floral long sleeve tee, brown floral tights, brown leather belt and boots and my brown faux fur coat.
friday: to be decided....
i wonder how long i can do this? my prediction is 3 months.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Meditation, something on my list of things to try for 2011
jan. 18, 2011. this marks day 1 on my attempt to learn how to meditate. the idea of clearing one's mind is intriguing to me. i have no idea how to turn off my head. most of the time it drives me absolutely crazy. to tell you just how much i have struggled with this a short story.
it was the year i turned 13. for most this is a joyous time, the right of passage into being a "Teenager". we all want to get to that point. when im 13 i will get to do this, or will get to wear this, i will get to officially have a boyfriend, whatever it was for you i know it was important. as for me i was thrilled to be turning 13 until the day actually came. in my head i was getting OLD, oh my word, i don't want to grow up, i want to be a kid. growing up is for the birds. why can't i just stay a kid. well this crazy dialogue in my head started causing me to cry, yes cry, all the time. i think i cried every night for at least a month, can't remember the exact length of time, but i know i drove my family (mom and sis) absolutely nuts. i was fine until it came time to go to bed, and then the waterworks started. my mom was beside herself, i remember one night she sat me on the edge of the bathtub and drilled me questions, "is there something happening at school with another kid?" "is there something happening with a teacher?" " are you taking drugs?" "did you have sex with someone?" my answer was NO to all of it. i had good friends, my teachers loved me, drugs...no way are you kidding me, sex, ewww i hadn't even kissed a boy let alone have sex with a boy, gross. i just didn't want to grow up. my mom talked the counselor at school, talked with my teachers, talked to my dad, anyone and everyone she could think of. my sis, well she was done with me and every night would tell me to "shut up, im trying to go to sleep" i think she was irritated with all the attention i was getting from mom and i wasn't trying to get attention i just couldn't turn my head off and stop obsessing about having to grow up. i eventually figured it out after much grief from those around me and stopped crying, but as you can see i have struggled with this affliction for a long LONG time.
so to be able to clear my head would be a dream. i hear that you can do this through meditation, but what in the world does that mean? so off to wikipedia i go, here is the definition: refers to any of a family of practices in which the practitioner trains his or her mind or self-induces a mode of consciousness in order to realize some benefit. what? well what does that mean? so i read on, in Buddhism, Sogyal Ripoche, in the book The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying describes meditation as this: The gift of learning to meditate is the greatest gift you can give yourself in this life. For it is only through meditation that you can undertake the journey to discover your true nature, and so find the stability and confidence you will need to live, and die, well. Meditation is the road to enlightenment. ok, well that sounds fabulous, finding my true nature and jumping on the road to enlightenment. i keep reading, in Hinduism, Sovami Vivekananda describes meditation as follows: meditation has been laid stress upon by all religions. The meditative state of mind is declared by the Yogis to be the highest state in which the mind exists. When the mind is studying the external object, it gets indentified with it, loses itself. To use the simile of the old Indian philosopher: the soul of a man is like a piece of crystal, but it takes the colour of whatever it is near. Whatever the soul touches....it has to take its colour. That is the difficulty. That constitutes the bondage. hmmmm......well i can see that. i have had my soul touched by external things (people, nature, experiences) and i get consumed by it. this makes sense in my crazy whackadoo head.
ok, so now i have a better idea of what the world, different religions, cultures, lifestyles view meditation as, but how do you do it. well i looked at several different websites and from what i can gather it seems simple; sit in a quiet comfortable location void of lots of stimulation (this is difficult i live in a house with two rambuncious kiddos and a crazy cat), sit up straight with your legs crossed (i am a sloucher, i try really hard to sit up straight but usually fail and have to remind myself to sit up, this might be hard), close your eyes (i have troubles closing my eyes to sleep, i like to see what is going on around me, oy) and breath in through your nose out through your mouth. the exhale should be longer than the inhale (okay i can breath this i am good at, and mouth breathing well for a good part of my life i couldn't breath through both sides of my nose and i had to breath through my mouth so i could get my lungs full, this i can do. finally mouth breathing is acceptable!) now clear your mind, block out all other sounds around you and concentrate on your breathing and stop thinking. well sweet jesus, that is a whole lot easier on paper.
here goes nothing....kids are in bed, tv is off, radio is off, i have my candles glowing, the side table lights are turned off. i lay out a blanket on the floor, it seemed cozier, i cross my legs, rest my hands on my knees and close my eyes. first i concentrate on what i can hear...the heater is on and i can hear the fan running, my dishwasher is also on, rinsing and every now and then i hear a car go by outside. i think not too much noise i should be able to block out those sounds. so, i start to concentrate on my breathing, thinking that i will block out one noise at a time. my eyes are closed but i can still the flickering of the candlelight behind my eyelids, but that isn't too bad, not too distracting. i take my first breath in, fill my lungs in a comfortable breath, slacken my jaw and part my lips slightly and exhale. not bad, ive got my first breath down. oh i forgot to mention that most of the websites on meditation for beginners said to limit your sessions to 15 minutes, even if you don't clear your mind in that time, stop. that took all of what a second and half and i have how much longer??? oh my word, i will never be able to do this. focus heather, just breath.
i forge forward. i realize that i am sitting with my shoulders raised, tense so i drop my shoulders and continue to breath listening to myself breathing. i can still hear the dishwasher and the heater and the cars outside and now my son is sitting at the top of the steps saying "mom" every couple of minutes, but i don't open my eyes, i don't readjust my position, i stay cross legged on my cozy blanket in my candlelit living room and breath. during the next few minutes i really concentrate on my breathing, i can feel my lungs fill up, my bra strap tighten around my chest, my ribcage expanding to capacity that it doesn't usually reach, my spine seems to lengthen with the intake of air. air, something my body cannot live without but i breath in and out every day without ever having to think about it. now i am thinking about it, i am concentrating on it, i am feeling what my body does every second of every day all on its own. it is pretty awesome. and then i exhale, my jaw is slackened, my lips are slightly parted and my nightime tea scented breath is slowly exiting my lungs. feeling my body exhale is equally as fascinating to me as inhaling. as my lungs slowly deflate, my bra strap loosens and goes almost slack at the end of my breath, my ribcage contracts around my deflating lungs, my spine seems to shrink back down to its relaxed state, my belly button naturally pulls in towards my spine. i think if this is all i get out of this tonight well then it was pretty awesome, just to feel.
foucs, heather....stop dialoguing, focus. my breathing starts to slow and deepen and my shoulders are still relaxed, but now my right foot which is folded under my left knee starts to fall asleep. crap, i can't seem to stop thinking about my foot, just move it a little, duh! so i adjust my foot, i still haven't peeked (this is a major accomplishment for me, let me tell you) and i am still breathing, it hasn't quickened with the foot set back. ok breathing, i haven't blocked out a single sound yet; fan blowing, water rinsing, my son still saying my name, cars still going by, oh there went a siren....focus.
i sit here for several more minutes, really trying to concentrate on my breathing. still marveling at how it feels to breath, to hear my inhale and exhale, feel my body expand and contract. it is a mesmerizing state, just feeling my breathing. i hear footsteps running down the stairs and my daughter's voice...and then she stops in midrun and is silent. i know that she is looking at me from the steps. i don't open my eyes, i am willing her to just turn around and go back to bed, but i can feel her standing there staring at me. CRAP!!! i guess my session tonight is over. i open my eyes and smile at her, a bunch of random tattle taling comes spewing out of her mouth. i quietly and calmly get up off the ground and tell her to go back to bed. i look at my son and tell him to do the same thing, it is bedtime go back to bed. my daughter stops at the top of the stairs, turns around and asks, "are you doing the clear your mind thing?" "trying...."
they both go to bed and i pick up my blanket off the ground and look at the clock, only about 5 minutes have gone by. instead of feeling completely defeated, i have a slight competitive side to me, i am proud that i stayed seated, kept my eyes closed and enjoyed for just a few moments myself. i never turned off any of the noises outside my body or inside my head. i never got my foot to stop tingling, in fact it is still tingling an hour later. i didn't even make it 15 minutes. but i tried.
it was the year i turned 13. for most this is a joyous time, the right of passage into being a "Teenager". we all want to get to that point. when im 13 i will get to do this, or will get to wear this, i will get to officially have a boyfriend, whatever it was for you i know it was important. as for me i was thrilled to be turning 13 until the day actually came. in my head i was getting OLD, oh my word, i don't want to grow up, i want to be a kid. growing up is for the birds. why can't i just stay a kid. well this crazy dialogue in my head started causing me to cry, yes cry, all the time. i think i cried every night for at least a month, can't remember the exact length of time, but i know i drove my family (mom and sis) absolutely nuts. i was fine until it came time to go to bed, and then the waterworks started. my mom was beside herself, i remember one night she sat me on the edge of the bathtub and drilled me questions, "is there something happening at school with another kid?" "is there something happening with a teacher?" " are you taking drugs?" "did you have sex with someone?" my answer was NO to all of it. i had good friends, my teachers loved me, drugs...no way are you kidding me, sex, ewww i hadn't even kissed a boy let alone have sex with a boy, gross. i just didn't want to grow up. my mom talked the counselor at school, talked with my teachers, talked to my dad, anyone and everyone she could think of. my sis, well she was done with me and every night would tell me to "shut up, im trying to go to sleep" i think she was irritated with all the attention i was getting from mom and i wasn't trying to get attention i just couldn't turn my head off and stop obsessing about having to grow up. i eventually figured it out after much grief from those around me and stopped crying, but as you can see i have struggled with this affliction for a long LONG time.
so to be able to clear my head would be a dream. i hear that you can do this through meditation, but what in the world does that mean? so off to wikipedia i go, here is the definition: refers to any of a family of practices in which the practitioner trains his or her mind or self-induces a mode of consciousness in order to realize some benefit. what? well what does that mean? so i read on, in Buddhism, Sogyal Ripoche, in the book The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying describes meditation as this: The gift of learning to meditate is the greatest gift you can give yourself in this life. For it is only through meditation that you can undertake the journey to discover your true nature, and so find the stability and confidence you will need to live, and die, well. Meditation is the road to enlightenment. ok, well that sounds fabulous, finding my true nature and jumping on the road to enlightenment. i keep reading, in Hinduism, Sovami Vivekananda describes meditation as follows: meditation has been laid stress upon by all religions. The meditative state of mind is declared by the Yogis to be the highest state in which the mind exists. When the mind is studying the external object, it gets indentified with it, loses itself. To use the simile of the old Indian philosopher: the soul of a man is like a piece of crystal, but it takes the colour of whatever it is near. Whatever the soul touches....it has to take its colour. That is the difficulty. That constitutes the bondage. hmmmm......well i can see that. i have had my soul touched by external things (people, nature, experiences) and i get consumed by it. this makes sense in my crazy whackadoo head.
ok, so now i have a better idea of what the world, different religions, cultures, lifestyles view meditation as, but how do you do it. well i looked at several different websites and from what i can gather it seems simple; sit in a quiet comfortable location void of lots of stimulation (this is difficult i live in a house with two rambuncious kiddos and a crazy cat), sit up straight with your legs crossed (i am a sloucher, i try really hard to sit up straight but usually fail and have to remind myself to sit up, this might be hard), close your eyes (i have troubles closing my eyes to sleep, i like to see what is going on around me, oy) and breath in through your nose out through your mouth. the exhale should be longer than the inhale (okay i can breath this i am good at, and mouth breathing well for a good part of my life i couldn't breath through both sides of my nose and i had to breath through my mouth so i could get my lungs full, this i can do. finally mouth breathing is acceptable!) now clear your mind, block out all other sounds around you and concentrate on your breathing and stop thinking. well sweet jesus, that is a whole lot easier on paper.
here goes nothing....kids are in bed, tv is off, radio is off, i have my candles glowing, the side table lights are turned off. i lay out a blanket on the floor, it seemed cozier, i cross my legs, rest my hands on my knees and close my eyes. first i concentrate on what i can hear...the heater is on and i can hear the fan running, my dishwasher is also on, rinsing and every now and then i hear a car go by outside. i think not too much noise i should be able to block out those sounds. so, i start to concentrate on my breathing, thinking that i will block out one noise at a time. my eyes are closed but i can still the flickering of the candlelight behind my eyelids, but that isn't too bad, not too distracting. i take my first breath in, fill my lungs in a comfortable breath, slacken my jaw and part my lips slightly and exhale. not bad, ive got my first breath down. oh i forgot to mention that most of the websites on meditation for beginners said to limit your sessions to 15 minutes, even if you don't clear your mind in that time, stop. that took all of what a second and half and i have how much longer??? oh my word, i will never be able to do this. focus heather, just breath.
i forge forward. i realize that i am sitting with my shoulders raised, tense so i drop my shoulders and continue to breath listening to myself breathing. i can still hear the dishwasher and the heater and the cars outside and now my son is sitting at the top of the steps saying "mom" every couple of minutes, but i don't open my eyes, i don't readjust my position, i stay cross legged on my cozy blanket in my candlelit living room and breath. during the next few minutes i really concentrate on my breathing, i can feel my lungs fill up, my bra strap tighten around my chest, my ribcage expanding to capacity that it doesn't usually reach, my spine seems to lengthen with the intake of air. air, something my body cannot live without but i breath in and out every day without ever having to think about it. now i am thinking about it, i am concentrating on it, i am feeling what my body does every second of every day all on its own. it is pretty awesome. and then i exhale, my jaw is slackened, my lips are slightly parted and my nightime tea scented breath is slowly exiting my lungs. feeling my body exhale is equally as fascinating to me as inhaling. as my lungs slowly deflate, my bra strap loosens and goes almost slack at the end of my breath, my ribcage contracts around my deflating lungs, my spine seems to shrink back down to its relaxed state, my belly button naturally pulls in towards my spine. i think if this is all i get out of this tonight well then it was pretty awesome, just to feel.
foucs, heather....stop dialoguing, focus. my breathing starts to slow and deepen and my shoulders are still relaxed, but now my right foot which is folded under my left knee starts to fall asleep. crap, i can't seem to stop thinking about my foot, just move it a little, duh! so i adjust my foot, i still haven't peeked (this is a major accomplishment for me, let me tell you) and i am still breathing, it hasn't quickened with the foot set back. ok breathing, i haven't blocked out a single sound yet; fan blowing, water rinsing, my son still saying my name, cars still going by, oh there went a siren....focus.
i sit here for several more minutes, really trying to concentrate on my breathing. still marveling at how it feels to breath, to hear my inhale and exhale, feel my body expand and contract. it is a mesmerizing state, just feeling my breathing. i hear footsteps running down the stairs and my daughter's voice...and then she stops in midrun and is silent. i know that she is looking at me from the steps. i don't open my eyes, i am willing her to just turn around and go back to bed, but i can feel her standing there staring at me. CRAP!!! i guess my session tonight is over. i open my eyes and smile at her, a bunch of random tattle taling comes spewing out of her mouth. i quietly and calmly get up off the ground and tell her to go back to bed. i look at my son and tell him to do the same thing, it is bedtime go back to bed. my daughter stops at the top of the stairs, turns around and asks, "are you doing the clear your mind thing?" "trying...."
they both go to bed and i pick up my blanket off the ground and look at the clock, only about 5 minutes have gone by. instead of feeling completely defeated, i have a slight competitive side to me, i am proud that i stayed seated, kept my eyes closed and enjoyed for just a few moments myself. i never turned off any of the noises outside my body or inside my head. i never got my foot to stop tingling, in fact it is still tingling an hour later. i didn't even make it 15 minutes. but i tried.
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