on monday, i learned i lost a friend. a friend who impacted my life in ways i never expected. this is a tremendous loss in my small little world, but i imagine anyone who knew him is feeling a tremendous loss.
i had put on my facebook status monday: Jason Titmus, you are one of the most influential people i have ever had the pleasure of knowing. although my time with you was short, the footprint you left on my life is huge. you will be missed.
there are people who come in to your life that change you. sometimes those changes are bad, but that wasn't the case with J, he changed my perspective of the world and persistently challenged me to be better. he simply didn't accept that this heather, the heather right here and now, was the best i could be. although that persistence annoyed the hell out of me, i couldn't be more grateful.
the hardest part of learning of J's passing was telling my kids. i have never had to tell them that someone they know and cared about has died. i wasn't sure how to do it and was actually dreading it. do i tell them a story? do i just say, "hey guys i have something to tell you?" or do i simply stop holding back the tears and let them initiate the conversation?
i went to pick up miss p from gymnastics and she was quick to notice something was wrong. at the very moment she asked me what's wrong, the setting sun came streaming through the clouds overhead, tears started rolling down my face and i shared with her the news. normally she doesn't stop talking about her day and gymnastics, but that afternoon she sat quietly in the backseat of our car. i peeked at her in the rear view mirror and she had tears rolling down her face. instinctively i reached back and she grabbed my hand and held it tightly the whole ride home. when we got home, we hugged for a few minutes and she said, "he is in a wonderful place now mom."
ash was harder to tell. ash and J bonded. i'm not sure if it is because they are both males, but they just seemed to understand each other. i asked ash to come into the kitchen. you see hanging up in my kitchen is a picture that J drew one afternoon when he was sitting on my couch with my kids. i asked ash if he remembered J. he immediately perked up and exclaimed, "vapor, liquid, solid". it was one of the many things J taught my kids. then ash asked if he was coming for a visit. i had to tell him that he wasn't going to be coming.
ash's face fell, his shoulders slumped, and he turned away. he tries so hard to be a "man" he doesn't like me to see him vulnerable. i wrapped him up in my arms and ash started sobbing. once he stopped crying, we sat on the couch and ash recalled all the things J had taught him and laughed at the time J wore my pajama bottoms, because i was washing his only set of clothes, and read a skippy john jones book in the craziest voices we had ever heard.
my kids seemed to take the news fairly well. since monday, we've talked about him, sharing our memories and wondering what his new world is like. thank you J for sharing your world with me and my kids. we will miss you immensely.
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