clean & single...

finding the perfect title is difficult.  naming these silly posts is difficult.  just as finding a headline for a dating profile is difficult.  i've done the online dating site thing a few times.  i'm thinking about updating the one i have and thought i would test it out here.

clean & single

clean:
no drug history
no criminal history
no std's
no cavities
no major health problems
no plastic surgeries of any kind

single:
completely over my ex husband
no residual relationships of any kind

* looking for a long term relationship (eventually), for now just someone to share a few laughs with and engage in some interesting conversation.  i am busy during the week, but have flexible time on the weekends.

get a clue...

random man: you owe me a dance
me: what? how do you figure?

random man: you owe me a dance

me: i don't dance 

(i grab my chair in a death grip and wrap my legs around the chair legs)

random man:  let go of the chair
(places his hand on my mine)

me: uh, don't tell me what to do

random man:  let go of the chair
(firmer grip on my hand)

me: you can't tell me what to do

random man gives up and walks away.  

human behavior never ceases to amaze me. in his defense, i never said no.  instead, i chose the classic seattle-passive-aggressive strategy.  obviously he wasn't picking up what i was putting down.  but, seriously if i wanted to dance with this random man, i would have jumped out of my chair to do so. 

this may come as a surprise, since i come across as pretty outgoing, but i don't like making a spectacle of myself.  when i said, "i don't dance" it is pretty accurate.  i dance in my house, in my car, in a chair where there is music, but getting up in front of people to dance, uh no.  it is along the same lines as singing karaoke, it's not happening.  

there have been a handful of times when i have danced with a stranger and i'm telling you it hasn't gone well. several years ago, at the casino, some old man asked me to dance.  he seemed harmless, he was so old.  he turned out to be the handsy-est man i think i have ever come in contact with, not to mention the song was hella long, and he propositioned me half way through.  i did not take him up on his offer to "see" his room. 

there was another time, my friend shreddie and i, got roped in to dancing with two gentleman to yet another looong song.  i swear we swayed back and forth for a good five minutes.  we danced so long, we had picked up the cd the band was selling and read the back.  no we were not interested in the dudes that had asked us to dance, but once you start you are kind of committed to seeing it through. 

anyhow, i've never understood men like the random man above. commanding a strange woman, wouldn't be the tactic i would use if i were a man, but it must work because i have encountered enough men who use this tactic. did he really think that i was going to have a change of heart and say oh my goodness, yes, let's dance!  well i didn't, but i did enjoy the music and did plenty of dancing in my seat. 

who are you...

as most of you know, i am a pinterest junkie.  i love all the home remedies for anything from colds to cleaning your washing machine.  i find inspiration for new ways to wear my tired clothes.  i get hungry looking at all the delicious food.  i pretend that one day i will be crafty and find tons of projects i am "going" to do.  i look at a gazillion different hairstyles in hopes that one day my hands will cooperate and actually make my hair look awesome. i have the most amazing virtual shoe closet with an equally impressive accessories wardrobe. yes, i am a pinterest junkie.

several months ago, it seemed that pinterest was inundated with fitness routine after fitness routine to achieve the elusive thigh gap.  the thigh gap was everywhere, so much so that i had to write about it.  my whole theory on the thigh gap is i can have one with the right amount of spread.  i prefer my slightly curvier build over the emaciated shape with the glorious thigh gap.

recently, i've noticed a plethora of step-by-step instructions for face contouring.  i have even seen the caption contouring the new photoshop.  much like the thigh gap, contouring is everywhere.  i will say that these ladies do look beautiful in their after contoured shots, but wow what a process to get there.  take a look:

as a woman who doesn't wear a ton of make-up, i don't understand why women do this to themselves.  i can't imagine being a dude.  you are out with an unbelievably gorgeous woman, her face is flawless, she has the perkiest tits, a super tight ass, and the most perfect hair.  you take this woman home and she climbs out of her "fake suit" to reveal her true self: after scraping off a pound of contouring make up, removing the cutlets and the lift and separate bra, releasing that perfect ass out of her spanx, and losing that full glorious hair to clip in extensions, you are looking at a person who somewhat resembles the lovely lady you were just with. if i were a dude, i would be saying, "who the f*#k are you?"

whatever happened to being yourself?  i wear make-up, not a lot, but enough to make me feel better. i wear a bra, but if you are a boob guy, i'm not your gal you will be disappointed.  i own spanx, and sometimes i wear them, but they are seriously the most unattractive garment around, they are definitely not date worthy undergarments.  hair extensions, well i could definitely use some, i have the thinnest finest hair around, but that is way too much work and upkeep for this girl.

i don't know about you, but it seems like we women go to the extreme to achieve what we think men want. however, i am inclined to think that although a man may love to look at the perfect woman, there is something to be said for what you see is what you get.  when i peel off my clothes and wipe off my make up at the end of the day, i certainly don't want to be on the receiving end of "who are you?"  i would rather be on the receiving end of "damn girl, you're hot, get over here!"

mom, try this...

last week, my ratchets and i went to an indoor trampoline park.  it is that exhausting, hope i don't pee my pants because i forgot to put my pee pad on, kind of fun.  ladies, you will understand this, men probably not, and children definitely not.  something happens in the aging process after having children, but sneezing, jumping, and any other jolt-y activities are a "do at your own risk" kind of thing. it doesn't really matter if you have recently used the facilities or not, sometimes you just dribble.

anyhow, we bounced around for a long time and then...

mom, try this!

my daughter bends herself in half, wraps her arms around her calves from the back, then jumps forward onto her back and pops up on to her feet.  she proceeded to traverse the entire length of the trampoline track this way.  just watching her made me dizzy.

oh my gosh, are you kidding?!

• how many people are here who will witness me attempting this
• what if i land on my head
• hopefully i don't fart
• i am way too old for this, and
• man it's fun to act like a kid

after a quick scan of the room, i took a shot at it, intent on showing my kids that i can still do things and i'm not the ancient dinosaur they always claim i am.  i bent over, wrapped my arms around my calves from the back, jumped forward onto my back and low and behold i popped right back up on my feet.  the only difference is i sat back down as fast as i popped up.  i was so dizzy i thought i was going to throw up or at the very least fall down.

my kids can twirl, swing, and flip over and over until they are blue in the face and never seem to get really dizzy. this is not the case for me. one flip on that trampoline and i was done.  i can do a regular somersault on the hard ground and i am just fine.  i can even do this twirly, roll-y thing; you sit on your rump, press the bottom of your feet together, let your legs fall apart (get your mind out of the gutter), grab your feet, then roll to one side.  when you have enough momentum you can roll around the room like that for quite some time and i can do this without getting dizzy.  but a somersault type thing on a bouncy surface sent me into the worst spins i've had since my recent bout with tequila.

anyway, the park was super fun.  i love that i am still able to get out there with my kids and more importantly that they still want to play with me.  stay young, play with your kids. 

bang on...

on valentine's day, my dear friend heather spruced up my tired look with a sassy fringe.  

tired old look 

sassy fringe

i have really enjoyed the fringe.  

the problem is my fringe was getting too long and kinda scraggly

i know right, what happened??

so i did what every last minute, spur of the moment, jojo retard-a-mo does

i went to the chop shop on the corner for a quick fix

i'm not really sure when i am going to learn my lesson

quick fixes rarely turn out great

this new set of fringe only looks good if i raise my eyebrows

too short and too thick

never a good combination

essentially i have to walk around looking surprised

 or i have a finger inserted where it shouldn't be 

take a look

ugh...why?

eyebrows are reaching for the sky

 thankfully bangs grow pretty fast

until then i will have the surprised face

sigh